[Lanen Kaelar 01] - Song in the Silence (8 page)

“Fine, it’s coming, now would you get on
with it?” I said.

He sighed. “Lanen, must we finish this
now?”

“Jamie, I’ve waited twenty-three years to
hear all of this. I think now is as good a time as any.”

“Very well.” He sighed. “You see,
Lanen, the men of Illsa have odd ideas about women. They are very possessive,
and Lady rest his soul, as dense as Hadron was even he could count. The old
wives in the village simply leered at him, assuming that he and Maran had been
lovers from the day they met, but he well knew they had not. She had denied him
until they were wed, as would any good, quiet Illsan maid. He thought his life
long that you were my daughter, but when Maran left, he made me swear never to
speak of her, and for the sake of his good name I must always refer to you as
his child.”

“Jamie, why did you stay? You knew the
truth, such as it was. Why did you cleave to Maran when she had denied you not
once but twice?”

He turned his quiet countenance to me and smiled
gently. “I stayed because I loved her, Lanen. And because as long as there
was every a slim chance that you were mine, I would stay at your side to
protect you.”

“And Maran?” I asked, my voice tinged
with the bitterness I could not hide. “I have asked you all my life why
she left, and you never answered. Tell me now.”

“She left because she had to,” answered
Jamie, sitting back in his chair with his mug of chélan hugged to his chest.
“Not for herself, though she was miserable with Hadron. she unbound him
when she left, did you know that? Their joining was dissolved in the eyes of
the Lady. I have since come to believe that she wed him because she needed
somewhere safe for you to grow up, and knew she could not provide it.” He
was staring into the depths of his mug; for all the world like a village wiccan
preparing to read the future in chélan stains. “When you were six months
old, she looked in the Farseer. Berys and Marik had recovered, more’s the pity,
and were preparing to hunt for her. Seems we were lucky in one thing from what
she could gather, the Farseer itself protected her from their sight. But she
was convinced in her bones that they would find her, and she didn’t want them
to find you.” He looked up at me,” Just in case.”

I had finally heard all that my heart could bear.
I felt dizzy and had to brace myself on the table.

“She left right then, dissolving her ties
with Hadron but leaving you in the only place she could think of where you
would be safe. I begged her to let me come with her, bringing you, but she
refused to take either of us into danger. She seemed to believe that somehow
Hadronsstead would keep you safe. I was angry with her for years, hurt and
miserable,’ but for whatever reason you are still alive. I have not heard from
her since that day. And that is the end of it.

“And so, my lass,” he said to me
quietly, “that is why I have never spoken. I had to keep my word to
Hadron, and since his death I have been waiting for the right time. That is who
you are, to the limit of my knowledge, and that is the Jamie you saw last
night. I feared I could not call on him, he has been so long silent; but when I
saw you threatened I welcomed him and his skills.” He coughed, then drank
his mug dry. I was not surprised. I had not heard as much speech from Jamie in
all the years I had known him.

Then he said quietly, one corner of his mouth
lifted, “‘you know, that big bastard is still wondering how he happened to
die last night. He never felt a thing.”

And all was right between us. I found myself
answering , Jamie’s grin, proud now of the skill that had saved our lives. How
could I be angry at him who had been father to me when there was no other—who
might be my father in very truth? And if death had been his trade he had
changed it for another and better, and for my mother’s sake. There had always
been great love between Jamie and me; now it was closer and stronger than ever,
and included my lost mother as well. I felt years older and shamed at my harsh
child’s judgement of him.

“Jamie, I—”

“Now, then, my little Lanen. All’s
well.” He smiled, the smile he kept for me alone. “I’m the better for
having told you. I should have done it ages ago.”

‘I haven’t been anyone’s little Lanen for ten
years,” I said, returning his smile. I had been well taller than Jamie since
I was twelve.

“Ah, my girl, now there you’re wrong. My
little Lanen you’ll always be.” He took my hand for a moment across the
table. “And now, my little one, it is your turn.”

“For what?” I asked, genuinely
confused. “You’ve known me forever, what could I possibly tell you?”

“I can’t imagine,” he said lightly.
“You woke me the day we left to sign a contract it wasn’t light enough to
read, you’re carrying silver enough for two months, and all this journey long
you’ve said not a word about it. What could I possibly be wondering
about?”

I grinned at him. “I can’t imagine. Now I’m
concerned about that little bay mare, she seems to be limping on the near
fore—”

He leaned over and swiped at the top of my head.
“Terrible child” he said affectionately. “Your turn. I’m dry as
the Southern Desert. Enough of chélan, I want ale. Ale!” he yelled, and
the girl scurried over with a jug. “Now,” he said, “talk to me
while I drink, my girl: Since you turned five I’ve known you would give your right
arm to leave Hadronsstead—why now, so long after Hadron’s death? Why did you
not leave at once? What has brought you to it at last?”

I told him of Walther’ s absurd proposal in as
few words as I could, but even so we were laughing heartily by the time I was
done. “Ah, young Walther, he’s not so bad a fellow, just a bit slow in
everything bar horses.” .

“I wish the horses joy of him. I swear,
Jamie, if you had seen his face—well, I hope he and Alisonde are happy and have
the decency to keep out of your way.”

“I won’t mind them. I shall see her and
think of you well away with a calm heart. But I must know for my own peace
where it is you are going.”

“I’m not sure myself. Away, mostly. There is
a lot of Kolmar to see.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t try that with
me, Lanen Maransdatter, I know you too well. Come tell me, where are you going
and what do you seek? You and I are all the family we have left now, unless it
be Maran’s mother or her brothers and sisters. I will follow behind you the
rest of your days rather than let you go with no idea of where you are bound,
or why.”

Maran’s mother, or her brothers and sisters. My
grandmother, my aunts and uncles. I swore rapidly to myself in the silence of
my soul that I would go one day to the village of Beskin and find that family I
had never seen.

I liked the sound of “Maransdatter.”

But for now—I took a deep breath and told Jamie
the deep desire of my heart, speaking it aloud for the first time.

“I seek the Dragons, Jamie. True Dragons, on
the Dragon Isle itself. I have dreamt of them since I was a child, since I
heard that bard sing the Song of the Winged Ones, and I have longed for them
beyond all reason. I heard them in the silence that night, you know, heard
their wings and a melody beyond hearing; and I have heard them in my dreams all
these years since.”

“And what makes you think there will be a
ship sailing, when so many have been lost? And what makes you think that you
will survive where so many have died?” he asked solemnly. He shook his
head, sadness in his eyes, but smiling at me as he always did when he knew I
would have my will no matter what. “And what will you do when you find
them, Lanen Kaelar?” he asked in a low voice.

“What? What did you call me?” I asked,
shocked. How should he know that name I had chosen for myself?

He smiled, speaking very softly. “That was
the true name your mother gave you. Lanen Kaelar, Lanen the Wanderer. I often
wonder if she had the Clear-sight to go with the Farseer. It would explain a
lot. I would swear she knew you would go adventuring as she did. Certainly she
knew you would be a dauntless soul, you had no fear even as a tiny child. But
come, answer me. What will you do when you find these Dragons that call to you
so?”

“Talk with them, Jamie. Talk with them,
learn the thoughts of those great minds that live, a thousand years and more.
Surely that is not impossible.” I let him see my excitement, strong now
with knowledge of my past, creating my future as I spoke. I had never dared say
these things aloud, and the very sound of the words fired my heart. “I
cannot believe that we two races should never meet. Why then can we both speak
and reason? If there were but two people in all the world, would they not seek
each other out? For companionship if naught else. I will find them, Jamie.
Somehow, I will find them, and I will speak with them if I must risk my life to
do so.”

He was silent. I found I feared his disapproval
as I had never feared anything else.

“I am not mad, Jamie, unless I have been mad
my life long.”

“I do not fear for your mind, my girl.”
He gazed into my eyes, the love of long years clear and strong. “But I
wish with all my soul you did not have to risk your life on anything. Still,
you are your mother’s daughter. If you have this dream before your eyes, I know
well that no power in the world may stop it.” He smiled. “Just
remember that Walther is not all that remains in Hadronsstead. I will be there
still, waiting to hear the tales of your adventures.”

He yawned, stretched and stood. “But for now
I’m off to bed. We’ll have a long day of it, tomorrow. We’re still three days
away from Illara.”

It was still early evening, but I too was
exhausted. I wanted to say something to Jamie, but I had no words. What could I
have said? I embraced him, bussed him on the cheek and bade him sleep well. I
glanced at the couple in the corner, who had long ago stopped talking and now
lay with their heads on their table, snoring gently. I smiled and went to my
bed. I slept like a rock.

We set off early the next morning. The rain was
still dropping showers on us as, it passed, but at last we managed to dry out a
little in between. By late afternoon the sky had cleared for good, and by the
time we stopped—we rode only until sundown—the ground was mercifully dry. We
camped at the border between a wheat field and a small wood.

The next morning I woke to a clear, crisp autumn
dawn. Around me the kingdom of Ilsa gleamed, cold, rainwashed and wondrous with
the dance of red and yellow leaves left on the tree boughs and the soft murmur
of the late, deep golden wheat swaying in the wind. I stood still and let the
land fill my senses, birdsong and leaf-whisper, sharp scent of tire and spicy
smell of dying leaves, touch of wind on my face and taste of autumn on my
tongue.

I shall never forget that morning. I woke for the
first time with knowledge of my mother, with a sense of my own past and my own
self; and with the knowledge that Jamie, friend and more than father, who had
always been for me the love of family, bore within him the life and soul of a
paid killer. I also knew what it had cost him and that both sides together made
the truth of him. It was frightening, this new clarity of vision: but I felt
free at last to know darkness as the other side of light, and that both were
needed for sight.

And with that thought—it was almost as though I
felt it in truth—the shackles of my old imprisoned self fell away at last. No
more did I long for a warm bed behind safe walls. My heart drank in the beauty
and wonder and danger of the world, and I saw for the first time that life was
not something to survive, but something—the only thing—to be savoured in all
its diversity. Light and dark together, mingled in all things, giving depth and
substance where either alone was a pale shadow. I felt from that moment I might
begin to find all things new.

I never lived in Ilsa again, but I never forgot
that journey, the first of my long life of wandering. Forever after, the
kingdom of Ilsa was to me the colours of autumn bright as sun after rain, and
the sound of wind in the grass.

IV

THE GREAT FAIR AT ILLARA

“That’s the one, the White Horse Inn,”
said Jamie. “Hadron always liked it. And keep to your plan! Believe me,
during the fair the hostellers in Illara see single women as a losing
proposition. He’ll give you the worst hole in the place if he thinks you’re
alone. I’ll get the lads and the horses settled at the fairground and arrange a
cot for myself out there.”