Authors: David Lee
when you first noticed it you were quoted as saying
it was the ugliest thing you'd ever seen
Changed my mind
Why? Isn't that a rarity?
Cause there aint another one around
I'd like for it to belong to me
I'd just like to say it was mine
Like about everything else in Garza County
Pretty much
Being your own man
is a good thing, Willy
it's a first step
towards economic
independence
which is an oxymoron
and self-reliance
which may be a status
more attainable
at this juncture
but you need to understand
being your own self-reliant man
means one thing:
making a map ahead of time
to find your way out of Hell
which is damned close
to the sum total
of everything on earth I've learned
up to this particular juncture
in the process
1
Monroe Newberry
coming down the street pushing his bicycle
front tire flopping like a wet flag
into Johnny Bert Ezell's filling station
What you got there, Monroe? he said
Monroe pointed at his bicycle, then at the tire, nodded
I can see that
it's a green one that uster be a Western Flyer
by its looks
before it got to be a personal modified
version of something else
you want to use the bay
yougn go back and patch that tire
Monroe shook his head
You don't know how to fix a flat tire?
Monroe shook his head
Your daddy he never shown you how to?
again
Well
Come on back then
it aint too busy this morning
I'll give you a lesson in how to do it
brang that back here
Okay lay it on its side and turn it upside down
standing up so wegn get to the wheel
now you take a pair of pliars and a monkeyranch
you just uncrack that nut like this
loosen it up to where the wheel comes off
you don't have to take the nut all the way off
it's a little harder on a back tire
you'll have to work it around the chain
you just aloosen it right here and slip it off the cog wheel
then it'll be pretty much the same thing with it, too
Okay you take and bring the wheel
over here on the bench and get you a flat head screwdriver
put it right here under the tire edge
prize it up like this over the rim
so now work that screwdriver down
lifting the whole tire edge over the rim, see?
if it's giving resistance and closing back up behind as you go
take and put the pliars handle up here
holt it open and now work that tire
all the way around until it's off the rim all over
Okay
you reach in underneath
get this inner tube out from under the tire
being careful not to jerk out the valve stem
push it through its hole like this
and take that inner tube off the wheel
bring it over to the air hose and fill it up
now put it in a bucket of water or run a waterhose over it like this
you'll see and mebbe hear the air hole
right there you see it? mark it with your finger
bring it back over to the bench and get your tire patching kit
I suppose you don't have one here's what it looks like
you can get you one at Bill Edwards Hardware and Appliance
it'll last you almost a lifetime
take this lid off the can you see the rough edge part on it?
scrape that air hole with it like this
rough it up so the suption will hold
now get out the glue, see?
squirt a little over that roughed part and the hole
spread it out and blown on it a little
next shake the rubber patches out of the can
find you one that will cover the hole
yours is a little one so I'd use a small patch
if they all gone cut a big one down to size
now pull off the hesive cover on the back of the patch
so the sticky side's out
just put that sonofagun right over that air hole
press down and smoothen it out
to where it's neatened and flat, you see?
before you put it back in the tire eyeball measure
from the valve stem to the patch where the hole was
take and run your finger on the inside of the tire to where that is
so yougn find out what made the flat tire
there it is, see? that's a goathead you runned over
so turn the tire over on the outside of where your finger is
see, it's right there
you'll need to get that sticker out with your fingers
or some pliars if you can't get purchase on it
it'd pay you in the long run to sweep your fingers all down
the inside of your tire to see if it's any other stickers poking through
yougn bust off the sharpies mebbe pick the stems out from the tread
save yourself doing it all over again before too long
if yougn get your daddy to give you a quarter
go down to Bill Edwards and buy you a tube of neverleak
and put it in, that'll stop most goathead flats
now we put that inner tube back
on the wheel getting the valve stem in straight
work that tire back around the rim over the inner tube like this
take your screwdriver and put it under the tire
lift it up and see, it just pops back on
so we'll air it up to 30
now we put this wheel back on the forks
tighten the nut up with the monkeyranch
and there you go. Done.
You think you can do it now?
Do what? said Monroe Newberry
Well I'll swan said Johnny Bert Ezell
I thought you might speak one day
and here it is
2
Did you hear a word I said, boy?
I was ashowing you how to do it and telling you
all the way
Didn't you hear?
Monroe nodded
But you can't do it yourself now
after watching me and telling you what to do?
Monroe scrunched his shoulders
Well then, that'll be a quarter, son
What for? said Monroe
That's good said Johnny Bert Ezell
For fixing your flat tire
it costes a quarter
Monroe held out his empty hands
What you got then?
Monroe shook his head
then put his hand in his pocket
pulled out a pocket knife
Give it here
Monroe shook his head
Why not? said Johnny Bert Ezell
shook his head again
Tell me said Johnny Bert Ezell
Daddy's said Monroe
Hegn get it back
I'll have it right here
hegn come for it
Johnny Bert Ezell held out his hand
Monroe scrunched his shoulders again
It'll be all right said Johnny Bert Ezell
I'm not gone keep it
Monroe put the knife in his hand
then pointed to the bicycle
Yep, she's ready to go
Monroe swung his leg over the bike
looked at Johnny Bert Ezell and said
See you
I'll hope it'll be sooner than later
said Johnny Bert Ezell
3
You took my pocketknife
away from my boy Monroe
said D'Wayne Newberry
That's not ezactly right said Johnny Bert Ezell
he owed me a quarter and he didn't have one
he give me that knife as collateral
What'd he own you a quarter for?
said D'Wayne Newberry
Fixing a flat tire
You charge a quarter for that?
it uster be a dime
Inflation said Johnny Bert Ezell
like the livestock man says on the radio
higher higher higher that's the way it goes
That wadn't his pocketknife
it's mine
he didn't have no right to give it to you
Yougn have it back
said Johnny Bert Ezell
I can?
Yessir
Give it here then
Nope, you've got to redeem it
A quarter?
No, I'll need a bit more seeing as it's purloined
it has sentimental value to me now
How much?
About a dollar's worth
A dollar said D'Wayne Newberry
that's almost as much as it costed new
Oh I imagine it cost moren that
Billy Klogphorne he collects pocketknives
I'll bet you he would give me upward
of a dollar for it used
You'd sell my pocketknife to Billy Klogphorne?
I don't have upwards of a dollar on me
Then it's a bargain for you said Johnny Bert Ezell
a dollar and six bits new at least
yougn have this one for a dollar even
and I sharpened the blades
You did?
Yougn shave the hair off your arm with it now
give you something to do at church during the sermon
How'd you know that? said D'Wayne Newberry
I'm not blind I seen you trying
now yougn get it accomplished
impress your girlfriend and boys
I haven't got no dollar on me
How much you got?
I don't know
let me see
quarter thirty five forty fifty five fifty seven cents
Tell you what
just today I'll give you a special deal
I'll redeem this here sharpened pocket knife to you
for fifty seven cents and to ease my conscience over the usury
I'll put that money in the collection plate this Sunday
as long as you'll make me a promise
What?
You'll buy your boy Monroe a patch kit
and teach him how to fix his own flat tire
from now on and if he doesn't learn it
next time it'll be a dollar fifty so that makes it a even better deal
you'll be saving yourself a whole dollar and four bits then
you think you can do that?
I dunno
maybe
he don't learn things too quick
Well, neither do you
but I hope so anyways now give me fifty seven cents
and yougn have this two dollar sharpened knife
we'll call it even
I suppose
somehow this don't seem right
I think you're taking a vantage of me
I'll have to thank about it but I might need that pocketknife
I guessed I don't have no choice
Nope, not today but you do for next time
I do?
Yep
you teach that boy how to take care of his equipment
it's gone save you a whole lot of money
time and trouble in the long run
I guarantee you that for a fact
so in that light you actually got a real bargain
you can be proud of negotiating
I hope the rest of your day goes real good for you
and that sharpened pocket knife makes you a good one
and for that boy of yours Monroe who incidentally
needs to be coming to my Sunday School class
at ten o'clock sharp this weekend
I hope you catch my drift
Bye now
say hey to that boy Monroe
Jerry Ray Newman on family vacation
ran half a block down the street
to the closest public pay phone
when the Operator said Number please
he said Can yall send a amblance
down here real quick
my mama she's hurt purdy good?
Can you tell me how she's hurt?
Walking down the street
here come this big goddam sowbitch
jalapeno pig with babies
her being a fleshy woman
she couldn't run as fast as the rest of us
it caught her and mault her real bad
she's a bleeding like a sieve
on that one leg
What is the location?
Right down the street from the motel
where we're staying at
Can you give me an address?
What's the address, Daddy?
he says it's 4th street and Rhododendron
Could you please spell that?
Wait. Hey Daddy
Okay, we'll carry her piggyback
up a block to 4th street and Fir
that's F, I, R
she's a hollering in a embarrassing manner
Daddy said could you ask that amblance
to get here in a hurry?
I am but mad north-northwest: when the wind is southerly I know a hawk from a handsaw
âShakespeare,
Hamlet
1
Good windy day morning ladies and all you
notsowannabe gentlemen buckaroos
for the Pulitzer-level literati
it's going to be a Captain Call's half-broke wild mare romp
a genuine frost breath horrible tempered mean rodeo bucker
you'd rather milk than ride day
swirling winds out of the south 30 to 35 upwards
gusts running right up to the 60's, cloudy with highs in the low 40's
dropping
you stay inside right here with KJZZ
we'll play you some windy day jazz tunes
stay saddled up right here to get you through the soaring sand dunes
we'll buck you right to the moon
the man in his own words said at six o'clock this very morning
and I'm driving alone without Jan down the slurry seal into Jackpot,
Nevada
listening to jazz, the morning sage and Raft River bank brush
bent frostquivering willowwhite
and the road kill breakfast club buzzards
flap flapping across my window like sleetwind