Authors: David Lee
as their inheritance
by then I realized
between sitting on the hardwood floor
and the impossibility of ever doing even Onesies'
Pigs in the Pen much less Double Bouncies
I conceded the match when she passed into Foursies
called Daniel and the Angel to come down
and claim all the credit and glory
to which she said Now, Grandpa,
we have to go double or nothing for keeps
and I said I didn't know we were betting
she said You weren't but I was
I told you my personal championship strategy
and if I win this round
you will have to swear tick a lock secrecy
to never tell it to anybody you can't trust
for the rest of your life
until I get old and graduate from high school
get married and have a baby
when it comes time
to learn Queenship Mastery
you can share it only with her
there are some things a mother
just can't tell a daughter
that's what Grandpa's are for
So get ready Buster
now I'm going to show you
once and for all, no holds barred
how Jacks are played
Brother Parker
the Only time in my life
I ever got anything taught
to anybody was when
my boy Charles was six
and on that day I taught him
in one lesson why it's best
not to pick up a cat
by the tail
I've thought hard
and even prayed about it
but I just can't find any way
to bring scripture up or down
to a practical level
There are a couple of things
about this moving into the golden years
that fall into the category of pesteration
Being?
I can't hear anymore
can't see anymore
can't remember a damn thing anymore
and those are the things that still work
I heard a bad rumor there comes a time
when you give up on the usefulness of memory
but you can designate friends to remember things for you
and when you outlive your friends you'll have your children
but most of all you'll have your wife
to correct and amend all those things you misremembered
I still like it when I can fall
into one of my unadulterated remembrances
and never worry one bit about drowning
or being rescued
Sorta like throwing a rock
through the plate glass window
of your current perception
What's the other botheration?
The fact that on our 50th
the wife asked me if I'd like to come upstairs
we'd try a poke
I had to tell her
anymore I had just enough energy
to do only one chore on a day
Is that a swear-to-god true story?
That question makes me wonder
if I'm the kind of fool you might think I am
and I'm wondering if you've considered
whether or not
you might have misunderestimated me
And I can't remember
far enough back to answer that one
Like another one of my heroes said
Drive for Christ's sake
look out where yr going
Are we there yet?
Nope
but we're gaining
Score: South Plains Monument 1: Tornado 0
âPhoto caption:
Avalanche Journal
All night the huge twisters
played hop Scotch and
wreaked mayhem
across the Caprock rim
2:12 a.m.
Willy John snapped the photograph
that graced the Avalanche Journal's
Sunday front page
the sculpture draped
with St. Elmo's fire
around its suppliant base
the cattle's great horns ablaze
from a lightning ravaged sky
like the finger of God
stretched toward the obelisk:
a tornado funnel floating in abeyance
Monroe Newberry's life turned on a pivot
the first day of class his fifth grade year
when he met Mr. Byron Edgers
the first male elementary school teacher
in the history of our town
who in order to get to know his class
began the day calling roll backwards
to let them know his class was going to be different
which resulted in him calling Troy Newberry before Monroe
asked him all the appropriate questions
then Monroe next and said
Are yall you and Troy twin brothers then?
Monroe said No
which was about the length of most sentences he spoke
Troy he's almost two years oldern Monroe is, said Butch Bowen
I asked Monroe, not you said Mr. Byron Edgers
let him speak for hisself
how come you're in the same fifth grade class?
Monroe didn't say anything
looked across the room at Troy
who was busy staring out the window
I asked you a question Monroe Newberry
now you have to answer it said Mr. Byron Edgers
Monroe only scrunched his shoulders
Monroe Newberry I axed you a question
he said turning red in the face
Because I failt fifth grade said Troy Newberry
I have to do it over again
which would have been fine except
the whole fifth grade class excepting Monroe
laughed
That's all right hollered Troy
least I'm not a dummy and I've got a man's name Troy
not some movie star womern's name Monroe
Shut up Troy said Monroe
Oh tell everbody how Mama
wanted you to be her purdy little girl
grow up to be all beautiful in the picture shows
had the name Marilyn Monroe Newberry picked out for you
how she'd say You're my purdy little boy
purdy enough to be my purdy girl Marilyn Monroe
Shut up Troy said Monroe
How she brought you a yellar dress
for your third birthday put it on you
Monroe Newberry jumped up
ran over and pulled his brother Troy out of his chair
on the floor his arms swinging like a tilterwhirl
screaming Shut up Shut up
before Mr. Byron Edgers could pull him away
Troy had a bloody nose and a piece of his ear bitten off
then at recess hit him on the side of the head
with Janette Hutto's roller skate
they had to take him to the school Nurse
Mr. Byron Edgers transferred Monroe Newberry
To Gordon Hamilton's wife
Mrs. Johnnie Hamilton's fifth grade section
for the good of the school
Principal Ellis Mills called the daddy
D'Wayne Newberry in to settle it down
Mrs. Newberry already gone
some said dead some said
living with kin in Arkansas some
said in an insane asylum
he said he didn't know what to do
with them boys they was always
at one another one way or the othern
this was the first time he known
Monroe to get the best of old Troy
for the next two years
no one heard a sound from Monroe Newberry's lips
his teachers said he was tongue tied
school Nurse said he was born defected
Principal Mills who was a church Deacon said
It might be the Lord's touch
students and friends knew Monroe was in there
he just wasn't riding the escalator
until the day in seventh grade
when he discovered Hooter Hagin's genuine birth defect
said out loud Jesust Hooter
you only got one tiddy
and the little Dutch boy named Jan
took his finger out of the dike
language began to trickle syllables then words first
few sentences longer than three words
then five
bursts of sudden shyness and reversion
disorientation and confusion
slowly he rejoined us
word by word by sentence by month by day
and then the Saturday
Troy Newberry and his chosen friends and disciples
captured Monroe in his bedroom
told him they were going to find out
if Marilyn Monroe Newberry had a pecker or not
and then maybe cut it off
to see if he'd holler about that at least
screams so loud calls went to the station
and the fire alarm sounded
Deputy Sheriff Junior Shepherd from one side of town
Sheriff Red Floyd from the other
raced the fire truck to the Newberry residence
found four pubescent
hoodlum-in-training eighth grade boys bloody
bruised and battered
scratch and teeth marks asunder
like red silk ribbons flowing in abundance
mauled and abandoned wailing aftermath hog hounds
Troy Newberry nowhere to be found
Monroe in the front yard
holding a broken bed slat in one hand
a ball peen hammer in the other
crowing like a bantum rooster
for the good of the School Board
Troy Newberry was allowed to
drop out of junior high school early
and at the same time take Driver's Training
to get his license on his fourteenth birthday
moved in with his uncle Cephas Bilberry
and took up immediately with his obese Scotch-eyed daughter
Monroe finished the year
graduated from junior high the next
then went off radar
disappearing into the realm of myth and legend
for seven years until someone saw the advertisement
in the Dispatch and elevated it to first page rumor mill status
Notice to all Men 17 or older:
You are invited by your Uncle Sam
to come to the U S Army Recruitment Office
3006 24th Street Lubbock, Texas
see Staff Sergeant Monroe Newberry
to inquire regarding Career Opportunity
under the Guaranteed Europe Enlistment Policy
and even Mr. Byron Edgers
who was by then the Grade School Principal said
at the monthly Board meeting
Well maybe there is a God after all
and a happy ending besides in fairy tales
but who'd a thunk it?
Johnny Bert Ezell
Head of the School Board that night
whispered Good boy
I knew you could do it
Look at that cow groom her calf
that there is a lady of elegance if I ever saw one
and by god knows exactly
what I'm saying about it
don't you, you persnickety senorita bonita
I'd appreciate the hell out of it
you being a man of letters
if you wouldn't repeat the following
until I'm gone
but her name is Juliet
I won't insult you
by mentioning the bull's name
just that this time they made it
unstrangled by their tethers
so what do you have to say about that?
When Larry Joe Williams invoked them
that evening at Adolph's Bar and Cafe
Billy Klogphorne rose like Lazarus from his stool
to begin walking with a purpose away somewhere else
to which Larry Joe said Whar you going
I aint finished yet?
so that Billy said to Larry Joe
That's what I feared
but you gave me prologue excuse
I sincerely desired to the point of prayer
Which is what? said Larry Joe
The invocation of an element of imagined society
named They
which does not, has not, and will never exist
but whose ultimate authority referenced gives imprimatur
to proceedence from nonsense through hyperbole
to authentication by summons
of the universal arbiter who will allow the invoker
to propound ideology he does not comprehend
and thereby create pretence of knowledge
emanating from the invented sources
he actually on this earth never encountered
nonetheless feels perfectly qualified
to repeat verbatim those elements these ethereal geniuses
of his imagination who incidentally
always happen to agree exactly with him
think, believe, and say to an audience of one
and Billy rising sauntered in search of elsewhere libation
to which Larry Joe Williams opined
What did he say just then
does any of yall known what that was about?
so that Ollie McDougald summarized
To the best of my knowledge
he said They say
you are full of shit
and if that's what they say
I believe it has to be a fact
and that, Larry Joe, is, exactly as they say,
all they are to it
This is everywhere I've ever been
âJohn Sims
Do you like being drunk?
Well hell no
where'd you get such of a stupid idea?
I like getting drunk
being drunk isn't much special
getting over being drunk
makes you wonder
why the hell you did that again
but when you start all over
well that's where the difference is
* * *
Heard Jane Lynn she's mad at you
Where'd you hear that at?
Mary Ann
Yeah I trucked in mud
all over the living room floor
She thrown a fit?
She's quiet for a minute
then the lid kindly blew off to hell and back
What'd you do?
Told her I'd get it cleant up torektly
she said Whyn't you try to be honest