Last Night I Sang to the Monster (26 page)

I felt so calm. The anxiety had left. I knew it had only left for a little while, but it had made a home inside me for so long that I’d gotten used to it. But right then, as I sat in front of the words that I’d written, I felt a new word rising up inside me. Only I couldn’t make out that word yet. I don’t know why, but I decided I wanted to walk the labyrinth. I had this urge, this feeling inside, and I decided to trust the feeling.

I headed toward the labyrinth.

The nice day was turning cold and the wind was starting to come alive again.

As I stood at the entrance of the labyrinth, I thought of Rafael and Adam. I pictured both of them walking the labyrinth quietly. I pictured the stillness in them. I pictured their eyes. I pictured them seeing me as I watched them. I pictured me waving at them
Hi Rafael Hi Adam.
I was happy that Adam and Rafael were there with me. Even though they were only there in my head.

The wind was picking up, getting angry. I zipped up my leather jacket. I thought of my dad. It had been his when he was younger. I could almost smell him. I placed my hands in the warm pockets.
Summer.
That’s the word that came to my lips.
Summer.
That was my intent—even though I didn’t know exactly what that meant or why that word had come up.
Summer.
I began walking slowly toward the center of the labyrinth.

I tried to clear my head of all thoughts. At first, my mind was free of all those pieces of paper that were lying on its floor. My ears and face were getting cold and the wind seemed like it was my enemy now but I didn’t care. I just kept walking and repeating the word
summer.
All I had to do was put one foot in front of the other and follow the path. I could trust the labyrinth. It would lead me to the center. I could hear the wind blowing through all the trees and the earth was moving and I knew that it would be smarter for me to stop and go back to Cabin 9 where I would be warm and safe but I didn’t want to be warm and safe. I wanted to go to the center of the labyrinth. I knew I had to go. I don’t know how I knew that I had to go there,
but I had to go there.

The wind grew colder and colder.

I kept walking. I made myself stay calm.

I closed my eyes. It seemed that I could see the path, even with my eyes closed. I kept them closed and kept walking. Step by step, I walked, eyes closed.
I’ll get there I’ll get there I’ll get there.
I pictured the large stone in the center of the labyrinth. I pictured me standing on the stone, my arms stretched out toward the storm.

Then the images started entering my head like some kind of disconnected movie. Mr. Garcia’s hands on the valves of his trumpet, Sam’s face as he watched me in a movie theater, Rafael’s voice as he sang
Summertime,
Adam’s eyes as he said
I see you, Zach
and then I saw my mother’s eyes again, sightless and gray, and my father’s motionless body and Lilly, the dog I loved lying dead on the ground, and Santiago whispering
eenie, meenie, miney, moe
and laughing, a gun in his hand, the gun pointing at me, then the gun aimed at his own temple and then
eenie, meenie, miney, moe
and then the sound of the gun. There was an explosion in my head as I reached the center of the labyrinth. I opened my eyes. They were there, my brother, my mother, my father. They were lying there, blood spilling on the ground.

And then they were gone.

I sat on the stone.

The snow started falling. Not a kind snow, not a lovely snow. But a harsh, cold snow that felt like pebbles flinging themselves at me.

I sat there with my brother and mother and father.

I sat with them. And then I screamed. Sometimes when I screamed or cried, it was as if it was someone else doing it, as if I were only watching me doing something from the outside. But this time I was inside of myself. I screamed. I screamed. And then I knew why I had come. I knew what I was doing. I was singing.

It was night now.

I was singing.

I was in the middle of a storm.

I screamed.

I howled.

And then I sang. I sang to the monster.

When I got back to Cabin 9, Amit asked me if there was something wrong. I didn’t like the way he was looking at me. “You don’t look good, dude.”

“I’m tired.” I was wincing. My head was throbbing.

“Where’d your color go, dude?”

I gave him a crooked smile.

He looked a little worried.

I fell into bed. I know I was trembling and my teeth were chattering. I was cold and it felt as though the storm outside was living in my body. Everything hurt and my head felt as if it were on fire.

I sensed Amit standing over me. I felt his hand on my forehead. “Dude, you’re really sick.”

The world I’d carried around inside me had left me. Everything was far away and I wanted to keep my eyes open because if I shut them then maybe I’d never see the light again. But then I was so tired that I just didn’t care. I wanted to let the storm or the sickness or whatever just take over.

Before I fell asleep, I kept seeing my mother’s gray eyes. They had always been as gray as a cloudy day. There had never been any sun in them.
I called her name. If I called her name, maybe she would come to me and sing all my sadness away. I fell asleep calling her name.
Sarah.

My dreams went on forever. There were oceans and my father and mother and brother were swimming there. I watched them and they seemed happy and then things turned bad, my brother trying to drown my father, my mother just watching. Then the dreamed changed and Mr. Garcia was playing his trumpet and the whole world was dark and he was crying. I could see his tears and I wanted to say
don’t cry don’t cry
and then the dream changed again and I was alone in a place that had no sky and I knew I would never find a way to get out of that dark and skyless place. I woke up soaked in sweat. I was shivering in the cold. I dried myself off with a towel and changed into a clean t-shirt. I stumbled around and somehow managed to change the sheets. I fell into bed again.

I slept. I slept and slept and slept.

I was aware that people came and went. I heard voices. I was confused and thought I was in that hospital where everything had been white. Once, I found myself sitting in the chair next to my bed as Michael, one of the counseling assistants, changed my sheets. I watched and watched him as if he was a movie. I remember him handing me a clean t-shirt and clean underwear and asking me if I could make my way to the bathroom and change into them. I remember staring at my pale and colorless face in the bathroom and thinking that maybe I was going to die and wondering why Michael was being so kind to me.

I remember asking Amit, “Am I going to die?” He handed me a glass of water. “Drink it,” he said. “Pretend it’s bourbon, dude.”

I drank the water.

I kept whispering my mother’s name. If she would only have sung
Summertime
to me.
Sarah, Sarah,
who never had a song inside her. My dreams were heavy and I thought they’d never cease. I dreamed Sharkey, I dreamed his voice, I dreamed I found him and took him home with me. I dreamed Amit’s arms. His scars were the same as Sharkey’s. I dreamed I was trying to rub the scars out of their arms, trying to erase the tracks from all the needles. I dreamed I was sitting next to Sam at a movie theatre and I let him hold my hand and I whispered to him not to let go.
Don’t ever let go.
I
dreamed I was a boy and I was in a park and I was crying and Rafael picked me up and held me in his arms and he whispered,
Don’t cry, sweet boy.
And I took my little hands and ran them across his face and he smiled at me. I dreamed my father and I were walking through the desert and I leaned into him and said
I love you, love you, Dad. I love you, love you, love you
. I dreamed Adam. He was standing at the entrance of the labyrinth and he was smiling and I wasn’t afraid of his eyes and I said
Adam, I’m having a good day.

The room was quiet and full of light. I wondered if I had died. But then I laughed. Heaven wouldn’t look like Cabin 9. I sat up in bed. I felt weak but I couldn’t help but smile. I felt the tears falling down my face and I wasn’t ashamed of them anymore.
Look at me, I’m feeling.

I took a shower and studied my face in the mirror. I was a little washed out. As I looked at the rest of me, I decided I was getting a little too skinny. I checked to see what color my eyes were today. They looked more green than dark. Maybe it was the way the morning sun was coming through the bathroom window. “Hi, Zach,” I whispered. “I see you.” And then the idea entered into my head to read something in Rafael’s journal. I sat on the floor and leaned against the bed.

I flipped through the journal but then I decided to read the letter instead. I don’t know why but I just needed to read it again. I kept thinking about Rafael. And I wanted to tell him that I had survived the last storm of winter.
Rafael, I sang. I sang to the monster.

I looked up and saw Amit walking through the door. “Hey, you’re alive.”

“Yeah, I’m alive.”

“You were down for a few days, dude.”

“What’s today?”

“Sunday.”

“I guess I was really sick.”

“Yeah, dude, you got a home visit from a doctor and everything. They almost put you in the hospital. You know, you said a lot of things in your sleep. I mean you were talking to everybody in the book—Rafael, Adam, me, Sharkey, Santiago, your mom, your dad. You were even talking to your dead dog, Lilly.”

A part of me wanted to ask him what I said, but a part of me already knew. A part of me was embarrassed. And a part of me wasn’t. I shot Amit a snarky smile. “So what did I say to you?”

“It was nice what you said. You kept telling me that maybe you could rub out all the tracks on my arms. I thought that was a really great thing to say.”

I laughed. It was good to laugh. “I’m screwy,” I said. I was tired, but I felt clean after my shower and I changed the sheets again and I spent the afternoon reading sections of Rafael’s journal to Amit. I didn’t think Rafael would mind. Amit was like a kid. He really liked being read to.

So that’s the way we spent Sunday afternoon, listening to Rafael’s words.

What a strange thing—to fall in love with Rafael’s words. To fall in love with storms. To fall in love with your own life.

On Monday morning, I missed group. I had an appointment with the doctor. I hated that. I really wanted to go to group—which was strange and great all at the same time. And going to the doctor’s office was a pain because I had to be taken in one of the vans by one of the counseling assistants. But it was Steve who was taking me to the doctor’s office and Steve was okay. Yeah, he was a pretty good guy, I think. On the way to the doctor’s office, he smiled at me and said: “Hey Zach, you’re singing.”

“Am I?”

“Yeah. You’re singing.”

“I guess I am.”

“I never took a guy like you for a singer.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Well, I guess people change.” That’s what I said. People change. If Adam had been in the van, he would have given me a snarky smile and said, “People?”

And I would have returned his snarky smile and said, “Me, Zach. Zach changed.”

And then we both would have given each other a real smile.

See, I hadn’t changed that much. There I was in the van, exchanging a real conversation with Steve for an imaginary conversation with Adam.

“Zach?”

Adam looked a little confused when he saw me standing in front of his office.

“You were maybe expecting to see Amit?”

“That’s exactly who I was expecting to see.”

“We traded.”

“You traded?”

“We switched appointments.”

“Your idea or his?”

“Mine.”

Adam had this very quiet smile on his face.

“What’s that smile, Adam?”

“It’s just that I’m surprised.”

“Why are you surprised?”

“In the past, you’ve skipped two sessions with me.”

“No, no, that’s not true. I just didn’t show up. I was sick one of those times.”

He sort of grinned at me. “I always made up that you came to our sessions under duress.”

“Not everything you make up about me is true.”

He nodded but I could tell he was still smiling on the inside. “So, you’re alive?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I gotta say that you’re looking pretty good for someone who’s spent the last four days in bed.”

He motioned for me to come into his office. I sat in
my
usual chair and he sat in
his
usual chair. Everything was the same but
everything felt so new and so strange.

“How do you feel?”

“Is this a Check-in?”

“Yeah, it’s a Check-in.”

“I feel spiritually connected.”

“You’re a wiseass, you know that?”

“Yeah.” I smiled. I just kept smiling. I don’t know. I was happy. “I feel good, Adam.”

“I was worried about you.”