My mom had called shortly after my friends left. We hadn’t said much. She just asked how I was feeling and I asked about her and my grandma and then we’d said goodbye. It was strange
talking to her. I knew she was still hurt that I’d left and was doing her best not to make me feel guilty, even though I already did.
I’d said goodnight to my dad and Robin and then I went to bed. As I drifted off to sleep, I told myself it was good to be back with my friends where I belonged. I told myself it was like I’d never left and that I would be able to forget about everything
that had brought me back. I told myself all of this, but for some reason, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t convince myself to truly believe it.
Chapter Thirty
I’d spent the next day with Natasha and Courtney as well, but on Monday, they had to return to school, so hanging out with them again, was obviously out of the picture. It was okay though. I spent the day trying to make the drab guestroom more livable and then vegging out in front of the TV. Occasionally, my phone would ring or I’d get a text from one of my Kansas friends. Each time I’d stare at the phone, wanting to pick up, but deciding against it. I couldn’t talk to them. I was trying to forget them. I figured if I just ignored them, they’d eventually get the hint and stop calling and texting altogether. It didn’t make sense, but it was easier that way. It was best to just put everything from that chapter in my life behind me.
My dad and Robin ha
d a business dinner to go to and due to my spontaneous return, they couldn’t cancel. I could tell they felt badly about leaving me home alone so soon, but I assured them it was alright and I’d be okay. They’d said goodbye around six o’clock to head downtown and I’d settled in on the couch with leftover Chinese food for a night of crappy TV.
An hour into my mind-numbing TV marathon, I heard the loud chime of the doorbell echo through the house and the remote control nearly flew out of my hands. The house and the neighborh
ood were still unfamiliar and the doorbell startled me. My heart started pounding and I was frozen like a character in a horror film, too terrified to move, as I waited for the psycho outside to break in and chop me to pieces. The doorbell rang again, but I still couldn’t move. I took a deep breath and tried to force myself to relax. It was probably just Natasha or Courtney feeling badly we hadn’t hung out. I sighed as I threw off the afghan I’d been using and walked to the front door. The bell rang once more as I approached and I jumped again. I walked slowly, still anxious.
“Who is it?” I called out nervously.
“It’s me, Jesse.”
It took a second for his muffled words to sink in. The voice sounded like Jesse’s, but Jesse was in
Carver and I was in Boston. It couldn’t be him.
“Open up
, Riley,” he called again and I knew it was, in fact, him.
I quickly undid the lock and deadbolt and when I opened the door I was shocked to see Jesse standing on the doorstep with a duffle bag flung over his shoulder. I was frozen again, but not from terror this time, but from disbelief. We stared uneasily at each other for a while and I
didn’t know what to say or do. Part of me wanted to slam the door in his face because I had been trying to forget everything about Kansas and part of me wanted to run into his arms because I realized how much I’d missed him.
“Hey,” he finally said, almost as if it was a natural thing to have him on the front stoop of my house in Boston…1,600 miles away from where our lives together had been intertwined.
“What are you doing here?” I asked quietly. “You’re not supposed to be here.”
“
Well, that’s not exactly the reception I was hoping for.”
“It’s just…I mean…you’re supposed to be in Kansas. Why are you here?” I stammered. I still couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that Jesse Baylor, my best friend from Carver
, was standing at my doorstep in Boston.
“I’ll explain if you’ll let me in. May I
?” he asked, his eyes gesturing inside.
I nodded and he
walked in. I shut the door behind him and we stood awkwardly in the entryway. It seemed like an eternity passed before we spoke.
“What are you doing here
, Jesse?” I asked him again.
He seemed to hesitate, almost as if he wasn’t sure if he should’ve come or not.
“I had to make sure you were okay.”
“So you came all the way
to Boston?”
“Yeah, I did,” he said
, staring at me seriously as he set the duffle bag down on the tile.
Again, we stood just feet apart, staring at each other, not quite knowing what to say or do.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving?” he finally asked and I cringed as I saw the hurt in his eyes.
“I couldn’t tell you,” I said quietly, tearing my gaze from his and staring down at the floor.
“How could you
not
tell me?” He didn’t sound angry. He sounded hurt and I hated knowing I’d been the one to cause him that hurt.
“Because I couldn’t let you try and convince me to stay. I knew if I told you, you’d try and stop me and I couldn’t let you do that.”
“You’re right,” he responded. “I would’ve tried to get you to stay, but I also could’ve said good-bye if you’d still insisted on leaving. How could you think you could just leave like that without telling anyone? Do you know how upset everyone is that you just left without saying goodbye?”
I could tell just by looking at him how upset everyone must’ve been and I knew they all probably hated me now, especially with how welcoming they’d been to me when I moved to
Carver. I was now just the conceited snob from the East Coast who’d used them when it benefited me and cast them aside when I no longer needed them. I thought I’d been doing the right thing by just leaving without telling my friends. I knew it would be easier that way for me, but I’d given no consideration to how they’d feel when they discovered I’d just vanished. I felt my eyes grow warm and I quickly dabbed the tears away with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
“Everyone must hate me,” I mumbled.
“No one hates you,” he said as he stepped towards me and gently touched my arm reassuringly. “They do wish they could’ve said good-bye though.” His hand left my arm and fell back to his side and the silence settled between us again. “Everyone told me to tell you hi,” he said when I didn’t say anything. “They’re worried about you.”
“Did you tell them what happened?” I asked nervously and he shook his head.
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t think it was my place.”
“What’d you tel
l them then?”
“I just said Ale
x had been a dick, but you wouldn’t tell me what happened.”
“Thank you,” I said
, genuinely grateful he hadn’t told my friends. It grew quiet again and then I asked, “Do you wanna go sit down?”
I gestured towards the living room. Jesse nodded and followed me to the couch. We both sat down and he began looking around. I knew the sleek, modern condo was not what he was accustomed to back in Kansas.
“That fight between you guys was pretty crazy,” I said quietly, thinking back to Jesse and Alex brawling in the hallway. “What’s everyone saying about it at school? I mean, what’s being said about me?”
“I don’t know,” he said
. “I haven’t been there and if stuff is being said, no one’s telling me.” I could tell he wished he could tell me nothing was being said about me, but we both knew that probably wasn’t true. I told myself it didn’t matter though. I’d never see any of them again anyway.
“How’d you even know where I wa
s?” I asked a few moments later, changing the subject.
“Well, when you wouldn’t answer your phone or any of my texts, I decided to go by your house. I started talking to
your mom and she told me where you were. She gave me the address. I told her I wanted to come see you,” he said quietly, as if he was almost embarrassed.
“How was she?”
I asked him, knowing my leaving had hurt her. “She’s pretty mad, huh?”
“I don’t think she’s mad at you at all.
She seemed really sad,” he said quietly. “I just think she feels really badly about what happened, almost like it’s her fault or something.”
As he said this, I felt my face turn red. It was so embarrassing that he knew what had happened and that he knew what I’d done with Alex. He must have lost all respect for me.
“I’m just in shock that you’re here,” I said a moment later and I couldn’t help but think how Jesse seemed out of place here. It was as if my two worlds had collided.
“I had to come,” he replied softly.
“But why? Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone? Why couldn’t you just let me go and try and forget about everything?” I said, almost in a whisper.
“Like I said, I had to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine, Jesse.”
“You’re not fooling anyone. You’re not okay.” His voice was low and soft and full of concern. What had I ever done
to deserve a friend like him?
“That’s not your business though,” I said. My voice was serious, yet soft.
“It is my business. You’re one of my best friends. I couldn’t just let you walk out of my life.”
We were quiet again and I could not believe he’d come all this way just to make sure I was alright. It was all very overwhelming and I didn’t feel deserving of his kindness. I felt myself getting teary-eyed and I looked away.
“So, when’d you get here?” I asked.
“I landed a couple of hours ago.”
“You flew?” I asked in surprise.
“Yeah.
I would’ve been here sooner, but there were thunderstorms in Dallas that delayed my flight.”
“I just…I just can’t believe you’re here. You scared the crap outta me, you know that?”
“I’m sorry I scared you, but I had to see you.”
We were quiet again. I still couldn’t believe Jesse was sitting here with me, just inches away, in Boston. We’d joked about him coming someday, but I never thought it would happen and definitely not like this.
“I’m sorry for ignoring your calls,” I said and then added, “And everyone else’s.”
He just nodded and a
gain, silence fell over us. It was just too surreal that he was here with me.
“So, was your dad super mad about your suspension?” I asked
to fill the silence.
“Surprisingly, no.
I explained what happened and he was actually pretty supportive. I mean, he wasn’t thrilled, but he understood why it happened.”
“How’d you convince him to let you come here then?”
“It didn’t take much. I had some money saved up, that’s all he really cared about. I still can’t believe you left,” he said, shaking his head and when I chose to ignore his comment, I noticed his eyes wandering around the room again. “You’ve got a nice place here. I can see why you were so upset to leave.”
“Yeah, it’s alright. It’s weird being here though,” I continued quietly. “I thought it would solve everything by coming back.”
“It didn’t?”
“Doesn’t feel like it. I guess it’s true that you can’t run from your problems.”
“Do you regret coming back then?”
“I’m not sure yet,” I said truthfully. “It hasn’t helped me forget about everything, if that’s what you’re asking. I mean, it’s helped in a way. Hanging out with my old friends has been great, but I can’t forget.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to forget,” he said and he scooted a little closer to me on the couch. “How are you though?”
I just shook my head and shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know how to explain how I was feeling. Part of me felt dead inside whenever I thought about Alex and what he’d done to me. Part of me felt so angry I just wanted to beat the crap out of someone. And part of me was
just so happy to be sitting here next to Jesse, whose presence seemed to make things better.
“I don’t know how I am
, Jesse.”
“I wish you hadn’t left,” he said softly.
“I had to.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I didn’t? What else could I do?” I asked, cringing at the memories.
“You could’ve stayed.”
“No, I couldn’t. I was humiliated. You have no clue how I felt…what I went through.”
“I know I d
on’t, but we…your friends…we could’ve helped you.”
“How?
How could you’ve helped?” I snapped at him, knowing he didn’t have the answer. “Could you take me back to that night…the night I made the biggest mistake of my life? Could you make me not believe his lies? Could you make me listen to everyone’s warnings about him? Could you do that, Jesse?” I taunted.
“No, of course not.
I’m not saying that. But, I would’ve been there. You know I would’ve been there.”
“It doesn’t matter.
I don’t belong there. Ever since I got to Carver, I’ve thought how backwards you people are and then Alex goes and does this to me and just proves it. How could I stay? Why would I stay?”
“Because we’re not all like him,” he said quickly, taking my arm and turning me towards him. “And we all make mistakes. You’ve
gotta forgive yourself.”
“This wasn’t just a mistake!” I exclaimed as my voice cracked. “This wasn’t just something I can shake my head at and forget. I slept with him! I let him be my first! I believed his lies. I believed he loved me
and then he just dumped me. He used me. I was a bet and then he tossed me aside when he got what he wanted. How sick is that? I’m such a cliché,” I said, shaking my head in disgust at myself. “And I thought I was smarter than that. Do you know how it feels to give yourself completely to someone and think they feel the same way only to realize they never meant a word of it…to be completely blindsided…to feel so betrayed and humiliated…so publicly,” I said, cringing before continuing. “To give something to someone that you can
never
get back?” I seethed at him and then covered my face with my hands as I tried to hide the tears that had formed as I thought back to the lies I’d fallen for. Everything I’d worked so hard to repress since landing in Boston was making its way back to the surface and I started to cry. Jesse moved closer to me and I felt his arms around me as I sobbed. As he held me, everything started pouring out of me. Every emotion I’d been feeling left my body with the tears. I hadn’t allowed myself to truly deal with what had happened. I hadn’t really talked about how I was feeling. I’d been so concerned with leaving Carver and running from everything, I’d shut it all down. But now, I couldn’t stop. Everything with Alex and my parents and the move was just flowing out of me and Jesse didn’t say a word. He just let me cry.