Lead the Way (9 page)

She doesn’t know why she has let Gabriel in or let him get so close to her.  Even before the attack, someone could definitely be her acquaintance, but it took time for her to let him or her into her inner life and thoughts.  She’s let Gabriel walk right past her guards.  She let him get past her concerns, her insecurities, and her boundaries.

She’s not sure how he feels about her, but she thinks of him as a friend now.  She’s told him things that she’s kept secret from her most dearest friends.  Rosa is like a mother to her and she’s told Gabriel more things in three weeks, than she’s told Rosa the entire five years that she’s known her.  She’s been trying to figure out why she trusts Gabriel so much and so quickly, but the reason escapes her.

When the clock turns to nine-thirty, she starts to wonder if Gabriel is going to show up.  Feelings of disappointment start to set it.  She was looking forward to seeing him.  Plus, she had something wonderful she wanted to tell him today.  She’d been looking forward to seeing the look on his face when she told him her good news.

She was waiting for Gabriel’s arrival before she started the coffee machine, but since it doesn’t look like he’s going to turn up, she starts filling the machine with water.  She measures out scoops of coffee and pours them into the machine.  With each step that she takes to get the coffee machine going, the disappointment that she feels grows.  She’s grown really used to Gabriel being around.  She finds that she plans what she’s going to do in the day around what he’s doing.  Now, she will have to rearrange her day and she doesn’t like the idea.  She wants it to be a regular day with Gabriel nearby. 

She is startled when Gabriel rushes into the kitchen.  She almost jumps out of her skin, when she sees him out of the corner of her eye.  She didn’t hear him come in.  “Holy crap, you scared me half to death,” she says, laughing at her reaction.

“Sorry I’m late.  I slept through my alarm.”

“No problem.  I’m glad you’re here.”

“I’m glad I’m here,” he says, locking eyes with her.

They stare at each other.  The look shared between them holds so many things, so many questions.  Eva breaks the stare and out of nervousness speaks. 

“So, how is Rosa doing?”

“She’s hanging in there.  She says that her leg is starting to become less painful, so that’s good.”

“That’s good to hear,” Eva says, putting the coffee can in the cupboard. 

She’s thought about Rosa returning and Gabriel leaving.  She tries not to think

about it too much, but she knows that the day is coming.  She’s going to miss Gabriel’s company when he’s gone.  Once he’s gone, she wonders if she will ever see him again.  She wishes that she knew how he felt about her, but there is no way that she is going to ask him.  It would be too embarrassing if he wasn’t as fond of her as she is of him. 

“So, what’s on the agenda today?” he asks, interrupting her thoughts.

“Well, I’m glad that you showed up today, because I have something I want to tell you.”

“Okay.  What is it?”

“Well, I’ve decided that I’m ready.”

“Ready for what?”

“I’m ready to see if I can walk outside in the hallway.”

“Really?”

“I’m ready.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m very sure.  Trust me, I’ve thought about it long and hard.  I’m ready to give it a try.  Will you help me?”

“Are you kidding?  Of course, I will help you.  When do you want to do it?”

“I was thinking about after breakfast, if that’s okay with you.”

“I’m ready when you are.  If you want to do it after breakfast, that’s when we will do it.”

Eva is too nervous to eat anything heavy, so Gabriel makes her toast with butter and jam.  As she eats the toast and it slowly disappears, the nervousness she feels increases more and more.  She’s scared of what’s going to happen.  She is scared of what her reaction is going to be.  She is scared to be so vulnerable in front of Gabriel.

“Eva?”

“Yeah, sorry.  Did you say something?”

“I was saying that if you’re not ready, you don’t have to do this.  This is not something that you have to rush.”

“I know.  I’m sure that I’m ready.  I feel a bit nervous and scared, but I want to go through with it.”

“Okay.  I’m going to be right there beside you, so whatever happens, I’m there.”

“Thank you.  I appreciate it.  More than you could possibly ever know.”

Eva finishes her toast and takes a deep breath.  Gabriel takes her plate and puts it in the dishwasher. 

“Do you want to finish your coffee before we do anything?” he asks. 

She can sense the concern in his voice.  He is such a sweet guy.  She’s not sure if he has a girlfriend, because she’s never asked, but if he doesn’t, she can’t understand why.  He has been nothing but kind and caring with her.  She imagines that he would treat any woman that he is with like a princess. 

“No, let’s go and do it,” she says, pushing back her chair and standing up.  As soon as she is standing, a little voice inside her head says, “Don’t do it.”  She wants to listen to it, but in an act of defiance, she takes a first step towards the front door. 

She’s been listening to that little voice for long enough.  The little voice inside her head that she thought was her friend and was just trying to protect her, is her biggest enemy.  The little voice inside her head hates her and does so with a passion.  The little voice inside her would like nothing better than to see her dead.  Today, she is going to kill that voice before it kills her.

Eva lets Gabriel lead the way to the front door.  When he opens the door, a breeze of warm air hits her face.  She stares into the hallway.  She lives in the Penthouse and the hallway from her door to the elevator is hers alone.  There is no chance that she will see anyone when she steps out into the hallway.  That makes her feel a little better.

“Are you ready?” Gabriel asks, stepping out into the hallway.

“I think so,” she says, moving herself to the edge, where the door meets the hallway.  She grips the sides of the doorframe and closes her eyes. 

“Okay, take a step, Eva,” Gabriel says, trying to coax her out.

She tries, but she can’t bring herself to move her feet.  “I’m trying, but I can’t move,” she says, panic obvious in her voice.

“What if I take your hand?”

“Okay.”

Gabriel takes her hand, but she still can’t move.  “Gabriel, you’re going to have to pull me out.”

“Are you sure, Eva?  Like I said, you don’t have to rush this.”

“Just do it,” she says, closing her eyes tighter.

Gabriel grabs both of her hands.  She squeezes them tighter than she’s ever squeezed anyone’s hands before.  She feels Gabriel pull her and she takes three steps.  She knows that she is no longer inside her apartment.  She can’t open her eyes. 

“Open your eyes, Eva,” Gabriel says, pulling her a couple of more steps into the hallway.

“I can’t.”

“Yes you can.  Eva, open your eyes.”

She opens her right eye a little bit, letting a little sliver of light in.  She squints for a minute and then she lets both eyes open completely.  She looks at her feet and then she looks behind her.  Gabriel pulls her further down the hallway.  She is a quarter way down the hallway.  The realization of what she has done starts to set in and her breathing starts to become more rapid and heavy.  She’s starting to hyperventilate.

“Eva, look at me,” Gabriel says, shaking her arms to get her full attention.  She looks at him, focusing her attention on to him.  “Think about what’s happening.  You’re standing in your hallway.  Has anything harmful happened to you?”  She shakes her head because she can’t talk.  “Are you dead?” he asks.  She shakes her head no again.    “Okay, I want you to start breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.”

She closes her eyes and starts to do as Gabriel has instructed.  She can hear Gabriel breathing along with her.  With each breath that she takes, she can feel herself calming down and her breathing returning to normal.  It takes a couple of minutes before she is breathing normally again and her body stops shaking.  She opens her eyes.  Gabriel is smiling at her.

“See, you’re okay,” he says, squeezing her hands.  “Do you think that you can make it the rest of the way down the hall to the elevator?”

“Yeah, I think so.  Don’t let go, okay?”

“Don’t worry; I’m not going to let you go.”

Gabriel walks backwards, holding her hands, as they take steps towards the elevator.  As they get closer to the elevator, Eva can feel all the apprehension she was feeling slipping away.  When they reach the elevator, she starts to giggle. 

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she exclaims.

“You’re much tougher than you thought.  I’m so proud of you.”

“None of this would be happening, if it weren’t for you.”

“You’re the one doing all the work.”

“I would have never done any of this on my own.  You’re the reason for all of this. I don’t know how I’m going to repay you.”

“You don’t have to thank me.  It’s my pleasure to help.”

They stop at the elevator and take a quick break.  Eva releases Gabriel’s hands and walks over to the windows that line the hallway.  It’s the first time she has looked out the window in five years.  She watches the people and the cars down below.  She wonders if she will ever be one of those people, just making her way along the street, and living her life.

As if he’s able to read her thoughts, Gabriel says, “If you keep this up, that might be you down there one day.”

              She looks at him and smiles.  “Let’s hope so.  Okay, let’s go back inside.”

              “Let’s,” Gabriel says and grabs her hand.

              She doesn’t think that she needs Gabriel to hold her hand any longer, but she doesn’t say anything.  It feels good to have her hand swallowed up by his.  There was a time that she never thought that she would be this close to a man again.  She’s been so scared to be in a male’s presence, that what is happening is truly a miracle. 

              When they are back inside the apartment and the door is closed, Eva hugs Gabriel.  He holds her and rubs her back.  She feels safe in his arms.  She doesn’t want to him to let her go.  She feels him lay his head down on top of hers and pull her tighter.

              “Thank you so much, Gabriel.  You have no idea what you have done for me today.”

              He chuckles, “I have some idea.”

              “I can’t wait to tell everyone what happened today.  Everyone is going to be in complete shock.  I’m in complete shock myself.  I never thought that what we did would be possible in a million years.”

              “Hopefully, it’s just the beginning.  The ultimate goal should be for you to be able to get back out into the world.  Today was the first step.  You were able to do it.  You were able to overcome your fear.  What happened today is so huge.  I hope you realize just how brave and strong you really are.”

              “I think I’m starting to see.  Since I’ve met you, you have never judged me.  Why are you so kind to me?”

              “Eva, no one is perfect.  We all have our flaws.  I’m no different from you.  You need to start seeing yourself as the amazing woman that you are.  Your illness isn’t the only thing that you are.  You’re so many things.  I’m able to see that better than you because I am standing on the outside, but I hope that one day you will see yourself like I see you.  I’m kind to you because I think that you’re great.”

              “You’re not so bad yourself,” she says, breaking away from their hug.  “I think that we should celebrate.  I have some wine that I’ve been saving.  Let’s crack it open and spend the day getting tipsy and being happy.”

              “Lead the way,” he says, following her into the kitchen.

Chapter 7

              It’s been an amazing day.  Eva sits on her couch after Gabriel has left for the day and thinks about all that has transpired in the last eight or so hours.  One bottle of wine turned into two bottles of wine.  Eva feels tipsy, but most of all she feels brave.  She decides that she wants to push what she’s accomplished with Gabriel in the hallway a little further.  She wants to take another step further.

              She stands outside her balcony door with her cell phone in her hand.  She has never once stepped one foot onto her balcony.  She’s been too afraid.  One, of the height, and two, the thought of the outside air touching her face freaked her out.  She decides that today, she is going to go out onto the balcony for the very first time.

She’s decided that she is going to sit on her balcony for two minutes.  She has the timer on her cell phone set and it’s ready to go.  She closes her eyes and opens the door to the balcony.  She closes her eyes and listens to the noises outside.  She listens as sirens get louder and then fade as they pass by the apartment building.  She listens to the birds chirping and the sounds of the cars driving along the street.

“You can do this,” she says to herself, before taking the first step out onto the balcony.  She opens her eyes, rushes to the patio chair, sits down, and closes her eyes again.  It’s the first time that she’s actually sat in the expensive chairs she bought for the patio.  She sent Rosa to buy them one day and then forgot they even existed.  She bought them so that Rosa could sit on the balcony and eat her lunch when she wanted to.

She hears Gabriel’s voice in her head.  “Eva, open your eyes.”

Like when she was in the hallway, she opens one eye a sliver, peeking through.  Finally, she opens them both and takes in the view from her balcony for the first time.  She looks left and she looks right.  It is an amazing view.  She never knew.  She can see clear across the city.  The realtor wasn’t lying when she said her that the apartment had an amazing views, especially from the balcony.  Eva had just taken her word for it.

The timer on her cell phone goes off.  It’s been two minutes.  Eva extends it to five minutes.  She feels comfortable enough to stay out for a little while longer.  There is definitely much less panic coming out onto the balcony, then stepping into the hallway with Gabriel.  She’s basically doing the exact same thing she did with Gabriel, only this time she is alone.  It’s virtually the same experience, but the second time around feels so much different.  She guesses it’s because no one could possibly get to her on the balcony, unless they can fly, but in the hallway, someone could potentially get off the elevator and get to her.

When the alarm goes off, she goes back into the apartment.  She is incredibly proud of herself.  She sits down on the couch to think.  The dynamics of her situation have shifted.  Her feelings of never getting well have suddenly disappeared.  She wonders if going back to see her psychiatrist might be beneficial now.  As Gabriel has told her over and over, she won’t know until she tries.

She goes into her office to get her telephone book.  She looks up her psychiatrist, Dr. Ike, and dials the number.  The Doctor is going to be surprised to hear from her.  They didn’t exactly part on the greatest of terms.  She left therapy against Dr. Ike’s medical advice and amid much protest from the Doctor.  She thinks that the Doctor will be happy to hear that she will be returning to therapy.  As well as being happy about her return, she’s sure that the Doctor won’t mind the extra padding to her paycheck either.  She’s not sure what she expects to happen at therapy, but she is willing to give it another try to see where it goes.       

She sets up the appointment.  She makes her way back into the living room and sits back down on the couch.  She thinks about what it means to start dealing with her problems.  For the first time in a long time, she is optimistic about her future.  She is hopeful, but she’s trying not to get too excited.  Too much excitement might mean disappointment in the future.  She wants to remain realistic and not put too much pressure on herself, in case she isn’t able to go any further in the process.  She doesn’t want to suffer a hard fall if she can’t follow through in the end or has a setback.

The telephone starts ringing in her hand.  She looks down, thinking that it must be Dr. Ike’s office calling back for some reason, but she doesn’t recognize the number.  She usually lets calls from numbers she doesn’t recognize go to the answering machine, but for some reason she decides to answer it.

“Hello,” she answers, curious for the reply.

“May I please speak with Eva Taylor?”

“This is she.  May I ask who’s calling?”

“Eva, it’s Detective Sims.  Do you remember me?” 

A feeling of dread comes over her.  Of course she remembers Detective Sims.  How could she forget?  He was the one that investigated after her attack. 

“Yes, I remember you,” she replies, nervous about where the conversation is going.  “Is there something wrong?”

“The reason I’m calling is to inform you that Ryan Collins has been released from prison.”

  “What?  Are you sure?”  Eva is shocked.  This is the last thing she expected today.

“Yes ma’am, I’m positive.  He’s a free man.”

“What does that mean for me?”

“Eva, it could mean nothing or it could mean something.  The reason that I’m calling is to advise you to be careful.  Take extra precautions and just keep your eyes open.  Ryan Collins is a dangerous man and when they were cleaning out his prison cell, they found some things that led them to conclude that he might have a vendetta against you.”

“What kinds of things did they find?”

“They found some letters and some writings.  I’m not exactly sure of everything they found, but it was very clear to them that he hasn’t forgotten about you, and that he may harbor ill will towards you.”

“Well, is there anything you can do to protect me?”

“We were tailing him when he was released and we had planned to keep an eye on him, but he was able to duck our surveillance.  We’re trying to find him, but have been unsuccessful so far.  We’ll find him, but in the meantime, I want you to be careful.”

“Okay Detective, I will try my best.” 

“Eva, I’m sorry to have to call you and give this news to you.  I wish that Ryan Collins would’ve spent the rest of his life in jail for what he did to you, but the law doesn’t work that way.”

“I wish the same thing.  Ryan Collins practically ruined my entire life.  All the pain he caused me.  Five years was never enough of a sentence in my mind.”

“It definitely wasn’t.  Listen Eva, I really have to go.  I have case files piled on my desk.”

“Of course Detective, don’t let me keep you.”

“Eva, take care of yourself and if anything happens, you know where to reach me.  You still have my number, right?”

“Yes, I do.  Thank you for calling and letting me know about his release.”

“I felt like you needed to know, especially after what they found in his prison cell.”

“I appreciate your concern.  Thank you.”

“Okay Eva.  Be careful and call me if you need me.”

“I will.  Bye, Detective Sims.”

Eva hangs up the phone.  She is stunned by the conversation she’s had with Detective Sims.  In the back of her mind, she knew that five years had passed and that Ryan Collins would be getting out of jail, but she didn’t think it would be today.  The feeling of safety that she had half an hour ago has vanished.

She jumps up from the couch and runs to the front door to check and make sure that it is locked.  She looks out the peephole.  There is no one out there.  She leans her back against the door.  She can feel a panic attack beginning.  She has become in expert in being able to tell the signs.

She is on her way to the bathroom to get her medication, when she hears a sound at the front door.  She stops dead in her tracks.  She listens, as whoever is on the other side, fiddles with the lock and the doorknob.  Someone is trying to get into her apartment.  Someone is trying to break in.

She runs into the bathroom, grabs her medication out of the medicine cabinet, and runs into her bedroom.  She decides that the only thing she can do is hide in her closet.  She opens the bottle of medication and the pills spill all over the floor because her hands are shaking so badly.  She takes one of the pills, hoping that it will start working fast.  She needs her panic attack to stop now.  She has to be quiet.  She covers her mouth with her hand to muffle the noise that’s coming from her.

She can’t see outside the closet, but she can hear everything that is happening outside in the apartment.  She hears the front door open and then close.  She can hear the person’s footsteps as they move around the apartment.  She can hear movement in the guest bedroom.  It sounds like the closet door in the guest room is being opened and then closed.  Whoever is in the apartment is looking for her.  She listens as something is knocked onto the floor.  She wonders how Ryan Collins found her.  She isn’t listed in any phone book.  She made sure that her whereabouts where completely hidden.  She paid someone specifically to make sure that she could never be found.

How is this happening?
, she thinks to herself, while she rocks back and forth, trying to be quiet.  Is she going to die today?  Tears stream down her face.  She thinks about all the people that she won’t get to say goodbye to.  She thinks about her parents and how devastated they are going to be when they find out that she has been killed.  She thinks about Rosa and Gabriel.  She thinks about her life.  So many things flash through her mind, until nothing is left except complete fear.

She can hear that the footsteps are getting closer to the bedroom.  Whoever is in the apartment is now in the bedroom with her.  She can see their shadow moving underneath the closet door.  She closes her eyes and clasps her hand tighter over her mouth to prevent herself from screaming and giving her location away. 
Please, God,
she begs in her mind. 

She watches as the person’s shadow stops in front of the closet.  Whoever is outside is going to open the door.  Her body tenses up and she prepares to be caught.  There is no way that she is getting out of this situation.  Ryan Collins has found her, and in a few minutes will probably kill her.  The closet door bursts open.  She is so scared, that the fear doesn’t let her properly register what she is seeing.  Her defense mechanisms kick in and she passes out.

Chapter 8

              Eva can hear her name being called in the distance.  She feels herself wanting to move closer to the voice.  Her eyes start to open, but her vision is blurry.  She can see someone leaning over her, but she can’t make out who it is.  Suddenly, everything that was happening before she passed out comes flooding back.  She starts the fight against the figure that is leaning over her.

“Don’t touch me,” she screams at the top of her lungs.

              The figure grabs her by the arms.  “Eva stop, it’s me.”

              It takes a minute before it registers that she recognizes the voice.  Suddenly, her vision clears and she realizes that Gabriel is the figure leaning over her.  She collapses into his arms, shaking.  He picks her up and carries her out of the closet.  He carries her and sits her down on the bed.  He brushes her hair out of her face and wipes away her tears.