Elizabeth was shaking her head, her face contorted. Leah longed to put her arms around the child, to comfort her and tell her she didn’t have to talk about it. But talking about it might be the very thing that would help her heal.
“It’s all right, Elizabeth,” she said softly. “You can tell me anything you want. I won’t tell anyone.”
“I prayed to go home again.” She seemed to force the words out. “All the time after Mamm took us away, I prayed to go home. But I didn’t mean for her to die. I didn’t!” Elizabeth burst into tears.
Now Leah did have to hold her. She scooped the child into her arms and settled in the rocking chair, holding her close.
“Hush, hush, now. It’s all right. Really, it’s all right.” She smoothed her hair and stroked her back. “Elizabeth, your prayers didn’t bring about your mamm’s accident.”
“But I prayed to go home.” A choked sob punctuated the words. “And after Mammi died, Daadi came to take us home.”
Leah rocked back and forth, patting her, trying to find the right words to comfort her. The poor child, carrying a burden like this for months and not telling anyone.
“I know it seems that way,” Leah said carefully. “But your mamm was in an accident because she drove a car when she’d been drinking. God didn’t make her do that. She decided to do that on her own.”
Leah couldn’t guess what had led Ruth to the choices she’d made. She could only do her best to deal with the results.
“Her accident was a terrible thing, but you weren’t to blame. It’s all right to be thankful that you were able to come home.”
She felt some of the tension ease out of Elizabeth’s body. She seemed to relax against Leah’s shoulder, much as she’d done the night she’d burned her hand.
But this was a much deeper, more painful hurt. A professional would know how to deal with it so much better than she did.
Please, Lord. Help this dear child to understand. Take away her burden.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Leah said again, her words soft. “You weren’t to blame.”
Elizabeth sighed, hiccoughing a little. “I didn’t want her to die. I just wanted to go home again.”
“I know. I know. It’s all right. God has brought you home, where you belong.” She took a deep breath, praying she was saying the right thing. “Maybe you should tell your daadi what you told me. I know he’d want to help you feel better about it.”
She shook her head. “I can’t. I don’t want to say it again.”
“Would it be okay with you if I told him?”
At least Elizabeth didn’t refuse that entirely. “I . . . I don’t know. What if it makes him think I wanted Mammi to die?”
“I promise you he wouldn’t think that.” She smoothed Elizabeth’s hair. “But I won’t say anything to him unless you tell me to. All right?”
Elizabeth looked at her for a long moment, as if weighing her trustworthiness. Finally she nodded. “All right,” she said.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Leah
was up before the sun the following day. She may as well be—she’d spent a mostly sleepless night with her mind bouncing between the revelation of Elizabeth’s feelings about her mother and the visit from Paula Schatz, with her concerns for Anna.
She’d prayed, caught herself worrying, and prayed again.
Why can’t I be confident in Your answers to my prayers, Father? I feel so torn. For years I felt so sure that I knew the right thing to do, and now everything seems to be a challenge.
Maybe that was the point. Maybe God was reminding her that only through relying on Him would she find the right path.
I can rely on You for myself, I think. It’s so much more difficult to relinquish control when it’s a child I love.
Daniel had to know the anguish of guilt that had Elizabeth tied up in knots, but how could she break the child’s confidence? If she did, that could destroy any hope of a further relationship between them.
And if she didn’t—she didn’t want to think about his reaction if she kept this from him.
She couldn’t discuss this with anyone else, but she could talk to Lydia. If God had brought Lydia into her life for a reason, this might be it.
And as for Anna—
Sometime in the long night, she had come to a decision. She couldn’t deal with this situation on her own any longer. Trying to protect Mammi’s feelings was a good thing, but not at the cost of Anna’s future.
She would talk to Daad about it. She went softly down the stairs, feeling her familiar way in the predawn darkness. Perhaps Mamm would never need to know how worrying Anna’s behavior had been. And if she did, Daadi would know the best way to bring it up.
She went quietly out the back door and across the lawn toward the stable, the dew-wet grass dampening her sneakers. The eastern sky brightened already, and the world seemed hushed, as if it held its breath, waiting for the sun’s appearance.
Daadi would be in the stable, feeding the horses, talking to them as he always did. She could have a few quiet moments alone with him before the rest of the house was up and busy.
The stable door stood open, letting out a shaft of yellow light from Daad’s lantern. She went in, pausing a moment on the threshold, appreciating the fact that all was just as she’d imagined it.
Daad leaned on Betty’s stall door, pouring oats into her feed bucket, talking to her in that same gentle tone that he’d always used with his children as well. He looked up at her step, smiling in welcome.
“You’re up early, daughter.”
“Not so early as you.”
Her father never changed, it seemed to her. His beard might be more white than brown these days, but he still moved with the same quick, wiry strength he always had. His hazel eyes watched her with love and maybe a little question.
She leaned against the stall door next to him, patting Betty’s neck. The mare, nose deep in her oats, flickered her ears in greeting.
“Greedy girl,” she said, stroking her.
In the next stall Dick, one of the big Percherons, pawed and snorted impatiently. Daad chuckled.
“We’d best get the rest of them fed, if we don’t want to hear about it.” He handed her a feed pail. “While we’re doing it, you can tell me what has you so worried already.”
“You noticed that.” She took the pail, going to fill it at the barrel that held the oats.
“Ja, I noticed.” Daadi poured oats into Dick’s feeding pail, glancing at her with a faint trace of a frown between his brows. “Is it Johnny’s coming back that has you upset?”
She blinked in surprise. Other people might be talking, but—
“You know me better than that, don’t you, Daad?”
“I know you’re a levelheaded, responsible girl. But I also know that once you loved him with all your heart.”
“That was a long time ago. I don’t have feelings for him now.”
Do I?
She hoped that was true.
“Are you sure you’re not gettin’ involved with him again, seeing him as you do?”
“No, Daad.” Unless she considered setting up a meeting between Johnny and Rachel getting involved.
He looked at her searchingly for a moment, as if he sensed that she was hiding something. “Ser gut,” he said at last. “So what is it then that has you worried?”
“Anna.” It was a relief to say it. “I know she has to have her rumspringa, just as the rest of us did, but I’m concerned about what she’s doing.”
He nodded, leaning his elbow on the top of the last stall. The sound of contented munching filled the stable.
“I know. She’s been running with English friends, maybe even a boy, hasn’t she?”
She studied his weatherworn face. “Daadi, if you know, why haven’t you talked to her about it?”
He smiled a little. “Five times we’ve gone through this, your mamm and me. Five times we’ve worried and prayed.”
“The rest of us didn’t go so close to the line, did we?”
“Well, you were the one we didn’t think we needed to worry about, settled as you were on Johnny so early. But when he left, it seemed we should have been more careful with you.”
“No one could have predicted that.” Not even her, apparently.
“And you don’t know what foolishness your brothers got up to.” His eyes twinkled a little. “Them I understood a little better than you girls. Your mamm knows you and Anna best.”
Maybe that was part of the problem. With Mamm’s illness, perhaps they hadn’t concentrated on Anna enough.
“I haven’t wanted to upset Mamm. But I think you should talk to Anna.”
He folded his hands, almost as if in prayer. “We’ve always believed rumspringa to be a useful time. We give our young people a taste of what life is like on the other side, and then they can make a decision of commitment without regrets.”
She didn’t have regrets, at least not about that. But still, sometimes she wondered. What would her life have been if she’d gone with Johnny? Could she have thrived, as he apparently had, without family and church?
“You’re still worried.” He patted her shoulder. “Try to have trust that Anna will sow her wild oats and then come out the other side, just as the rest of you did.”
She wished she had his faith. “It’s not just the English friends,” she said. “Paula Schatz stopped by yesterday to talk to me. She didn’t want to upset Mamm, but she says Anna has been coming late, leaving early, sometimes not showing up at all. You know Paula. She wouldn’t come to us without cause.”
Her father straightened. “That’s so?” At her nod, he frowned. “This will not do. It is not right for Anna to be taking her wages without putting in an honest day’s work. I’ll talk to her.”
Leah gave a rueful smile. “I feel as if I’ve shifted my worries to your shoulders.”
He patted her hand. “That is where they belong. I’m glad you care about your sister, but you shouldn’t carry the burden for her. It’s enough for you to deal with your own concerns.” His fingers tightened on hers. “I’m always here for you, Leah.”
She nodded, her throat tightening. “I know you are, Daadi.”
He was still worrying about her, she could see that. But she couldn’t reassure him that everything was all right with her. She didn’t know that herself.
“What
if he doesn’t come? Or what if we’re late?” Rachel twisted her hands in her lap, peering out the window of Ben Morgan’s car. Leah had arranged for Ben to drive them to this meeting with Johnny.
“Calm down already.” Leah patted her hand, trying to ignore the fact that her own stomach was tied in knots. “I’ve never seen you so ferhoodled.”
“I haven’t seen my own twin in ten years.” Rachel transferred her grip to Leah’s hand. “Is it any wonder? What if he doesn’t come?”
“Johnny wouldn’t let you down that way.” She glanced toward the driver, but Ben could be trusted to keep quiet about this trip. That was why she’d asked him to bring them.
“I hope not. But ten years with hardly a word . . . I know I’m being foolish, but I can’t decide whether I want to hug him or box his ears for him.”
“Maybe both,” Leah suggested.
Ben slowed the car, peering out at the houses they passed, obviously looking for the number she’d given him. They must be nearly at Lydia’s now.
Setting up this meeting had been so difficult that she’d felt at times as if she were negotiating a peace treaty. Rachel didn’t want to go anyplace where she might be seen by someone who’d relay the news to her parents, and Johnny had shown signs of getting prideful again about the whole thing.
Finally Lydia had stepped into the breach, offering her home in Mifflinburg, and the time was set.
Leah and Rachel had come early, giving themselves plenty of time to do the fabric shopping that was the stated reason for their trip.
Leah hadn’t expected to enjoy the shopping part of the day, but as it turned out, Rachel had found fabric for new dresses for Becky and shirts for the boys, while Leah had bought the lining and backing material for her and Elizabeth’s quilts. They’d taken their time, weighing the merits of one bolt against another, but even so, they were arriving at Lydia’s place a little early.
“Here we are, ladies.” Ben pulled into the driveway of a small white cottage, his gaze meeting Leah’s in the rearview mirror with a look of encouragement. “You can leave your bundles in the car. I’ll just sit and read the paper.”
He slid his seat back a bit and unfurled the newspaper from the seat beside him.
“Ser gut.” She opened her door, but Rachel was already out ahead of her.
The yard was tiny but beautifully kept, and several varieties of roses bloomed in a bed across the front of the house. They followed a flagstone path that led to the front door. If it were not for the electric lines running to the house from the street, this might be an Amish home.
“All right?” Leah glanced at Rachel when they reached the stoop.
Rachel nodded, her face pale but determined.
Almost before she could knock, Lydia opened the door. “Welcome to my home. Please, come in. This must be your friend Rachel.”
Rachel gave a quick nod, looking around with a certain amount of apprehension in her blue eyes. “It’s kind of you to have us.”
“My pleasure.” Lydia led the way into a small living room, gesturing to the sofa. “John called a while ago to doublecheck the address, so I imagine he’ll be along soon.” She glanced at Leah. “Perhaps when he comes, you’ll join me in the kitchen for a cup of tea.”
Leah nodded.
“Maybe you should stay—” Rachel began.
Leah grasped her hands firmly. “You’ll be fine. John is still your brother.”
“But he’s different now. A fence-jumper. Englischer.” She glanced at Lydia.
Lydia smiled. “Like me, yes. There’s no need for you to feel uncomfortable about it. My situation and John’s are similar.”
Similar, but not entirely alike. Lydia had already gone over the difficult bridge to establishing a relationship with her family. John had yet to do that, but Leah hoped and prayed that today would be a first step.