“It’s all right.” Mamm pressed her hand. “I don’t mean to embarrass you, daughter. But think about it. Listen for God’s guidance.”
“I will.” That she could promise, and it seemed to content her mother. She turned back to the sandwiches with a satisfied look.
How could her mother know what had nearly happened between her and Daniel that night? She couldn’t, that was all. But Mamm seemed to have an extra sense where her daughters were concerned.
It was fairly obvious what her mother thought she should do. She herself wasn’t so sure.
She’d gone over and over every word, every gesture. Sometimes she’d almost convince herself that she was imagining things, but then she’d remember the warmth of Daniel’s gaze, the strength of his hands, and she’d be convinced again that she’d been right.
Daniel Glick would propose to her if she gave him the slightest encouragement. And she didn’t have the faintest idea what she should do.
She’d decided, after Johnny left, that marriage wasn’t for her, and she’d been content with that decision all these years. She hadn’t been able to love Johnny enough to have the courage to leave or the strength to convince him to stay. How could she think she could love Daniel enough to be a mother to his children and a wife to him?
“Here is Daniel, come for his order,” Mamm said. “You fix it for him, Leah. I’m ready for some coffee.” She flitted away.
Mamm wasn’t exactly being subtle. Leah could only hope Daniel would attribute her flushed cheeks to the warmth of the kitchen.
Daniel stepped aside to let the Klopp boys hurry past him with the boxes of orders for the men who worked at Bishop Mose’s harness shop. Nodding and smiling to those he passed, he came straight to her table.
“Rachel said you’d fill my order.” His smile grew warmer when he looked at her.
“Ja, I have it here.” She pulled his slip from the pile and began to stack hoagies in a paper bag, trying to find something light to say to him. “You’re surely not going to eat all these yourself.”
He shook his head, leaning against the table so that he was close to her. “Some of the brothers have come to help with the first cutting of hay today. Mamm wanted to cook for them, but she has enough to do with the children. And they’ll enjoy the sandwiches fine.”
Since he didn’t have a wife to make the lunch. Was that a reminder of his need? He was watching her with such warmth in the deep blue of his eyes that she lost count of how many sandwiches she’d put in the bag and had to start again.
“They’ll like these,” she said, rallying. “And the money goes to a good cause.”
He nodded. “It’s a joy to help.”
“Ja.” It was, wasn’t it? That was woven deeply into their way of life, the joy and satisfaction that came from helping your brothers and sisters whenever they had need. And knowing that, in turn, if you needed, they would be there.
It was part of what she loved about being Amish, part of what made them belong to each other.
Maybe, if she were Daniel’s wife, she’d lose this disturbing sense she had of never quite fitting. But was it fair to him to marry for a selfish reason?
She glanced at Daniel, and their gazes met. Tangled.
She took a strangled breath. The attraction was there, certain sure, even in the midst of a crowd. That was important to a marriage.
But love?
Daniel had given her the impression, through everything he said about his wife, that if he offered his hand, that didn’t mean he was offering his heart.
Still, maybe that was for the best. Maybe, as Mamm had hinted, it was possible to build a good marriage anyway.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Leah
had gone to her room after supper, saying she had to work on her reports. That was true, but a stronger reason was to get away from the tension she seemed to feel everywhere she went lately.
The door opened before she had so much as looked at the first page. Anna stepped into the room, closing the door behind her.
The wave of gladness that swept through Leah was startling in its strength. Anna was ready to talk at last, and for a moment she dared hope that the old, easy relationship between them could be restored.
Anna took an impetuous step toward her. “How can you possibly be friendly with that man?”
It looked as if her hope had been a little premature. She tried to swallow her disappointment. “Come, sit down. If you’re talking about John Kile, I’ve told you already—”
“Not John.” Anna dismissed him with a wave of her hand. “Daniel Glick. I saw how you two were talking this morning.”
“Daniel.” She readjusted her thinking. “Why would you care if I’m friends with Daniel? I should think you’d be happy about it. Everyone else is busy trying to match us up.”
“He fits right in with all the rest of the interfering busybodies.” Anna’s hands clenched against her skirt.
“If you’re embarrassed because Daniel saw you . . .” She hesitated, not wanting to say the word. “. . . saw you the other night, you shouldn’t blame him.”
“I’m not embarrassed.” But Anna’s cheeks flushed slightly.
Leah longed to grasp the clenching hands in hers, wanted to smooth away the hurt and shame that her little sister surely was feeling. But Anna wouldn’t accept comfort from her now, and maybe she needed plain talking more than she needed comfort.
“I would say you owe Daniel your thanks. He found you, he helped you, and more than that, he kept silent about it.”
“And now he can look down on me. I hate that he’s involved.”
When she was six, Anna would have sat in the corner for talking that way. Leah felt her exasperation rising. It was a pity that wouldn’t work now.
“You were the one who involved him,” she said flatly. “You got drunk, you drove into the wrong lane, you nearly ended up in the ditch. You should be on your knees thanking the Lord that it was Daniel who found you and not someone who’d be quick to spread the news all over the valley.”
At last Anna’s gaze evaded hers. Her cheeks flushed. “Maybe,” she muttered. “But I still don’t see why you’re so close with him.”
“I’ve helped with the children, as any neighbor would when there are motherless children.”
Anna stared at her, eyes widening. “You’re not thinking— Leah, you can’t be thinking about marrying him just because his children need a mother!”
Now it was her turn to glance away. “He hasn’t asked me,” she said, knowing she was equivocating.
“How could you think of it? To marry a man you don’t love—sometimes I think you don’t even know what love is.”
The control Leah had been exercising suddenly slipped away from her. She clenched her hands to keep from grabbing her sister and shaking her.
“And I suppose you know all about love at eighteen.”
“More than you,” Anna snapped back. “I said it before, and it’s true. You don’t have any feelings at all.”
Leah did grab her then, startling herself as much as she did Anna. Grasping her sister’s arms, she held her fast.
“How would you know what feelings I have? You don’t spare a thought for anyone’s feelings but your own. I know what it is to love and to lose and to spend your days trying to hide the pain. I don’t need a child like you trying to give me lessons in what it is to love.”
Anna stared at her for a moment, eyes wide in a white face. Then she jerked free and ran out of the room.
She
might not feel at ease at the clinic, Leah decided, but at the moment, being here was better than being at home. She settled on a bench in the hallway, planning to go through her list of potential interviewees until her driver returned for her.
But her hands lay idle on the sheet. The days since that dreadful scene with Anna had been so strained that even Barbara, occupied as she was with her pregnancy, the house, and the children, had noticed it. Unfortunately her well-meant attempts to interfere had only made things worse.
Forgive me, Father. I sinned. I expressed anger with my sister instead of trying harder to help her. Now she won’t even speak to me, and I fear I’ve driven her away. Please, forgive me and show me how to help Anna.
“Leah? Is something wrong?”
It was a measure of her distraction that she hadn’t even heard Johnny approach. She shook her head, but the lump in her throat kept her from speech.
“I can see—” He stopped when a woman came out of the waiting room, leading a small boy by the hand. He waited until they’d left, then held out his hand to Leah. “We can’t talk here. Come out to the back porch.”
There wasn’t anything Johnny could do. There wasn’t anything anyone could do, but Leah couldn’t resist the concern in his face. Avoiding his hand, she rose and walked down the hallway with him.
A couple of rocking chairs had been added to the back porch furniture. She sat down, pleating her skirt with her fingers.
“So tell me.” Johnny sat down opposite, reaching out to still the nervous movement of her hand. “It must be something bad for you to look that way.”
“It’s Anna.” It was a relief just to say the words. “I’m worried about Anna.”
“What has Anna been up to that causes you this much distress?” His voice, warm and gentle, was the voice of her friend, of the person she’d known and cared about her whole life. “Running around too much with her friends? Trying to land you with her chores?”
That coaxed a reluctant smile from her, but almost immediately it trembled from her lips. “If only it were that.” She shook her head. “I know I can’t expect her to have so tame a rumspringa as I did . . .”
He patted her hand. “No, I’m sure not.” There was amusement in the tone.
She pulled her hand away, straightening. “Don’t laugh. It’s not funny.” She looked at him, her eyes welling with tears. “Johnny, she came home so drunk that she was within inches of wrecking the buggy. Only the grace of God kept her from injury.”
She was relieved to see that her words wiped the amusement from his face.
“I’m sorry, Leah. She wasn’t hurt, though?”
“No. Oh, I suppose my brothers probably did as bad, but this is my baby sister.”
“You’ve tried to talk to her?”
She felt the flood of sympathy, and it warmed her. “Tried and tried again. Daad has talked to her, too, with no results either. I’m afraid she’s—”
She stopped, unable to put her fear into words.
“What?” His voice was gently insistent. “What do you think is going to happen to her?”
Her breath caught in her throat, and she had to force the words out. “I think she might leave.”
He didn’t immediately respond, giving her time to think that maybe Johnny wasn’t the best person to talk to about this. After all, that was just what he’d done.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last. “I know how scared that must make you.”
“It does.” The tightness in her throat eased just a little. “I don’t begrudge her running-around time. I even understand it. And she’s the baby, so maybe she’s had her own way a little too much. But this—”
She stopped, shook her head. “I’m sorry. This is probably hard for you to talk about. I shouldn’t burden you with it.”
“You’re not.” He smiled slightly. “We’re friends. Old friends, no matter what else happened. You can say anything to me, and I promise it won’t go any further. You don’t have to worry about that.”
“I don’t.” She managed to return the smile. “I know I can trust you.” Johnny wouldn’t talk. And he wouldn’t condemn, either.
“You’ve been keeping this to yourself. That only increases the worry.” He shook his head. “Leah, you’re always trying to take care of everyone. Look, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“I could lose her.” She looked at him steadily.
The way Rachel lost you. The way I lost you.
She wouldn’t say it, but he must know she was thinking it.
“If she left . . .” He paused. “Maybe I’m not completely impartial, Leah. But would it be such a terrible thing? You could still have a relationship with her. Maybe that’s what she needs to do.”
“No!” She rejected that with every fiber of her being. “Anna is too young. She’s rebellious, and she doesn’t really understand what it would be like. Or what she’d be giving up.”
He leaned back in the rocker, his gaze intent on her face. “Maybe so. But sometimes, for some people, it’s the right thing to do.”
“No. Not Anna.” She had to cling to that, because the alternative was too frightening.
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe Anna is too young, or thinking about it for the wrong reasons. But you’re not too young, Leah. Is it possible you’re so worried about Anna because you’re thinking about it, too?”
She jerked back as if he’d hit her. “No. I’m not.”
He brushed that aside with his hand. “Well, maybe you should be.”
She started to rise. She didn’t want to hear this, and all the comfort she’d felt from Johnny was gone in an instant.
He grabbed her hand. “Wait. Just let me say this one thing. Can’t you do that?”
She sat, perched on the edge of the chair, ready to flee. “Go on.”
“You’re a good teacher, Leah.” He leaned toward her, hands braced on his knees. “I know that. But think how much more you could do if you were able to develop your teaching gifts to the fullest. You could get a degree, you could learn all the latest methods, you could—”
She stood, shaking her head. “No. Don’t. You have no right to say that to me, John.”
“Why not?” He stood, too, and passion filled his voice. “I’m the person you said you loved once. Doesn’t that give me a right to be concerned about you?”
Still shaking her head, she hurried to the door. “That was a lifetime ago.”
“It’s still true.” His voice roughened. “Leah, let yourself think about it. Don’t you fear that you aren’t preparing your scholars for the world they have to live in? Haven’t you thought that maybe the right place for you isn’t here?”