Learning to Live (The Infinite Love Series Book 1) (11 page)

I can feel a change coming. I feel anxious and terrified all at the same time. The only thing I can really hope is that I’m recognizable at the end of it all.

* * *

Ever since her seizure, Ciera has been on my mind. I feel on edge and anxious wondering how she is doing, how she is feeling.

I arrive at school early the next morning in hopes that I will be able to see her before anyone else arrives. To make sure she is okay. When I reach my locker, I’m surprised she is nowhere in sight. I wait for nearly twenty minutes, before there is only a couple of minutes to make it to class. I didn’t want to miss her, so I didn’t move an inch. Even when Joe and Sophia showed up, my feet stayed planted firmly.

I didn’t even bother acknowledging their existence. Joe’s glare went straight through me. I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of stooping down to his level.

Ciera doesn’t show. I end up having to abandon my post and attend the first class of my day. Her normal desk remains empty the entire period, and before I know it, the bell has rung to signal the end of class. I continue through the rest of my day, but still no sign of her. By lunchtime it’s apparent she isn’t coming in. I guess I can’t blame her.
Maybe she just needed a day to rest?

The anxious feeling in my chest only seems to intensify as she is yet again absent the next day as well.

During English, I can’t help but stare directly at the empty chair where Ciera should be. I notice Mack eyeing it as well, with a sullen look on his face
. I wonder if he knows what happened the other night.
After the bell rings to announce the end of class, I rush to the front of the classroom to catch him.

“Hey,” I say softly, hoping I don’t attract any unnecessary attention our way.

His eyes grow wide with surprise. “Hi?” he says, more of a question. He pushes his glasses further up his face, adjusting his backpack.

“Have you heard from Ciera?” I ask. He’s the only person I’ve ever noticed interact with her, he has to know something.

Again he doesn’t bother hiding the shock spreading across his face. “Ciera?”

I nod. “Yeah, Ciera Nelson…the girl you sit right next to?”

He seems hesitant to say anything. He probably doesn’t trust me and honestly, I don’t blame him.

“Look,” I say, attempting to relieve some of the tension in the air. “We had detention together Monday after school, and she had a seizure. I just want to make sure she is okay.”

His eyes grow wider than before. This is news to him. “She what?”

“She had a seizure. Have you not spoken with her?”

He shakes his head. “Ciera isn’t exactly easy to get ahold of.”

Peers from the class after us are beginning to pile into the classroom, so we slowly make our way out into the hall.

“What do you mean by that?” I press.

“She doesn’t have a cell phone.”

I snort unintentionally. “Who doesn’t have a cell phone these days? I see toddlers every day with iPad’s.”

He looks at me with an expression that is difficult for me to read. “I know who you are, and I know what you’ve done to Ciera. Even if she did have a cell phone, do you really think I’d ever give up her number?”

I feel like he’s just punched me in the gut. I know Ciera and I don’t run within the same circles, but I never feel like I go out of my way to be an asshole to her…or do I?

“Look man, I’m just wanting to make sure she is okay. If you know how to get ahold of her, maybe you can find out for me.”

He nods slightly. “I’ll see what I can do.” He begins to walk away, but stops and turns back to me. “Can I just ask you something?”

I nod, not bothering to respond verbally.

“Ciera has never been on your radar before. What changed?”

I’m not even sure I have an answer for him. He’s completely right. I shrug. “I guess we’ve just been in the same places at the same times recently.”

He takes a hesitant step toward me. “I know your type. You get off from hurting someone like her. You feed off her misery. I’ll look into this for you, but after I do, I want you to stay the hell away from Ciera, do you hear me?”

I’m surprised that he even has the balls to talk to me like he does. And normally, I wouldn’t accept it. I’d have him laid out in a heartbeat. But I can tell in his eyes how much he cares about her. He’s in love with her. I wonder if she even knows. I put my arms up in surrender. “Just find out if she’s okay, and you have my word, I’ll keep my distance.”

He nods, his lips in a tight line. “Good.” He spins on his heel, and scurries off.

I feel sick to my stomach. It can’t possibly be because of the agreement I just made…can it?

Chapter Twelve

Ciera

So much for avoiding unnecessary costs. After Topher brought me home, my migraine returned two-fold. I couldn’t even get out of bed the following day, I was so weak. By the time today rolled around, my mother insisted we had to go see a doctor. I know she wants me to follow through with the procedure. I know she has faith that it will make a difference, but I’ve seen the doctor’s eyes. I know I’m past the point of no return. There are no guarantees, and they make that painfully obvious every time we meet with them.

Life can change at the drop of a dime. Everything you think you know, suddenly changes. It’s unfair. I worry about her all the time. I want to be as optimistic as she is, but it’s my body, and I can feel it changing.

I know she thinks I’m giving up. I know she wants me to fight. But what I really want is to be able to spend the rest of the time surrounded by people I care about. I’ve done so much research, and I’ve come to the conclusion that when it’s all said and done, at least I will still be me.

We are at Doctor Brown’s office, a place we’ve become all too familiar with the past couple of months. He’s a gentle soul. I see the way he handles my mother, and I appreciate it. He takes care in every statement he makes, in every piece of information he shares. I think he has a soft spot for my mother. She’d never notice it, with everything going on. But, I know he will help her after I am gone.

Dr. Brown enters the exam room, and his face is downcast as usual. I know his news won’t be favorable. His brown eyes dart between my mother and me, before he sighs, exhaling deeply.

“It’s getting worse…isn’t it?” I ask.

I am thankful he never sugarcoats anything. He always tells me like it is. It’s been an unspoken agreement we made after the first episode I had.

He nods his head, frowning. “Ciera, it’s too dangerous to try to remove it now. It’s growing too rapidly. Unfortunately, it’s only going to get harder from here.”

My mother stifles a sob, and I feel my heart tense up. She needs me, and I want to be there for her more than anything.

“How much time do we have?” I ask the question that is more than likely on both of our minds.

He looks up at me through lowered lashes. “It won’t be much longer before the tumor begins to affect your motor functions. Before headaches and seizures become more frequent, more unstable.”

I look at my mother, and her shoulders are heaving up and down viciously. I blink rapidly, my cheeks growing hot. I need to stay strong for her.

“Can we order the medicine?”

When we first found out about the tumor, I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t understand how I could look so healthy on the outside, but be slowly withering away on the inside. For weeks, I battled with accepting the truth. In the beginning, the migraines were the only reminder that my time was numbered. And then the fatigue started, and soon after, the seizures. Little by little, my body began giving up. Dr. Brown wanted to try and remove as much of the tumor as possible, but even then, it would only stunt the growth, not stop the inevitable. He insisted radiation, but I read about the repercussions, the physical and emotional changes, and I knew right away it wasn’t the right path for me.

Living in Oregon, I felt as though everything happened for a reason. I didn’t have to deteriorate into someone or something I couldn’t even recognize. I had a choice. It was one of the easiest decisions for me to make, but hard for my mother to accept. I don’t blame her. I understand that she wants as much time with me as possible, no matter what state I am in. But, I would rather pass on surrounded by the people I love and care about while still being the same person they remember. I don’t want them to remember me as the broken, bruised, and battered girl I know I would become with radiation. I want to die while the light inside me still burns bright.

Dr. Brown’s eyes begin to look a bit misty. All of us know that once the medication is ordered, that everything becomes painstakingly real. Not that it hasn’t been up until this point, but under the Death with Dignity act, the medication can only be prescribed to a patient who has six months or less to live. I’m still in the beginning of my senior year. I won’t make it to the summer. Soon I will be merely a memory.

* * *

When we make it home, I notice a familiar face sitting on the curb outside of our apartment.

“Is that Mack?” My mother asks, as she pulls into her parking space. Her face is still reddened from her tears.

I squint my eyes, attempting to get a better look.
Yep. Most definitely is
. “Yeah.” I climb out of the car and make my way toward him.

“Hey,” he says when I approach. He stands up quickly, dusting his jeans off.

“Hey,” I reply. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi Mack,” my mother greets him quickly, then rushes upstairs.

“Sorry,” I apologize for her rudeness. “She has to get some sleep in before work today.” He doesn’t need to know any other details.

He nods, his eyes darting around the parking lot.

Although we’ve been friends for a long time, Mack has never been to our apartment before. Any time we have ever hung out before has always been done inside school or at his house. I know I should probably invite him up, especially because I have no idea how long he’s been waiting…but it’s embarrassing that we have such a small place. I’d rather deal with him outside.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his brown eyes appearing concerned.

No.
I nod anyways. “I’m fine, why?”

He looks back at me like I’m stupid. “Well, you haven’t been in school the past couple of days. It’s unlike you…so I was worried. I tried calling your home phone a couple of times before I just dropped by, but no one picked up.”

“Yeah, sorry, my mom and I had to run an errand,” I lie.

He pushes a rock around with his shoe before replying. “I heard about what happened after school on Monday.”

He heard about my seizure? Who could have told him about that?