Authors: Catherine Palmer
“He fit,” she said at last. “He and I fit together. We both wanted the same things in life. You, for starters. John knew I was pregnant, and he never once held it against me. I was having another man’s baby, and that was that. No big deal.”
“Why didn’t it bother him?”
“John was quite a bit older, you know, and I think he had almost given up finding the right person to marry. He had wanted a family so much. His own home life was…difficult.” She lowered her head, remembering the few times she had been over to visit her in-laws. Such disarray and confusion. Such shouting.
“We didn’t talk about it much, but it was the alcoholism,” Jan said softly. “John had been raised with it, but he was smart enough to see it and avoid it. He knew exactly what he wanted, but he couldn’t figure out how to get it. That’s how it can be for people who grow up in families with so many problems. They don’t know what normal is, you know? And then John heard about me in the Sunday School prayer group. There I was, already halfway to being a little family of my own. So he wanted to become part of it immediately. He said to me…and I’ll never forget this…he said, ‘Let’s turn one plus one-and-a-half into three.’ Isn’t that sweet? Marriage would create an instant family for both of us, and we decided very quickly that we liked the idea a lot.”
Beth ran her finger down the side of her glass, gathering droplets that fell through the top of the wrought-iron table onto the deck. Jan could see that her daughter was struggling. Had something happened on the overseas trip? Was she still upset about the conflict that had arisen during their last visit? Had Beth discovered information that had brought these questions about her father into her mind?
“We didn’t have a fairy-tale beginning,” Jan admitted, “but that doesn’t change how good our marriage was. Your daddy loved you—”
“Yes, I know,” Beth cut in. “I know that, Mom. You keep reminding me, but you don’t need to. I have no doubt he loved me. I felt it. He took care of me, and he never treated me any different from Bill and Bob except that I was a girl.”
“That part was my fault. He would have taken you fishing and camping more, but I was afraid you’d turn into a bigger tomboy than you already were. All the same, you spent most of your time up in that oak tree in the backyard.”
Jan could feel her daughter’s eyes regarding her in the darkness. Around them, cicadas buzzed, crickets chirped and bug zappers sent sparks into the night sky. Someone had lit a citronella candle nearby. The scent drifted through the screen, and Jan considered getting up to light a candle of her own. Vanilla maybe, or magnolia. But she didn’t want to break the spell of tentative peace that she and her daughter had managed to achieve.
“I’m sorry about not being all sugar and spice and pink ruffles,” Beth mumbled, her head down. “Am I a huge disappointment to you?”
“Honey, of course not! How could you even think such a thing? I’m so proud of all you’ve accomplished. Look at you—a college graduate living in New York and working at a job that takes you all over the world.”
“But you don’t like those things. You’ve never understood me.”
“Well, we’re different, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you and enjoy being with you. I think you’ve turned out so well.”
“I’m not like you or Dad, am I? You married each other because you both wanted security. You wanted stability.”
“That’s not the only reason. I thought he was as cute as a bug’s ear. That round little tummy and all that blond hair. John was just as jolly as he could be, and so much fun! But you know the main thing? He believed in me. He knew I wanted to get my college degree, and he made sure I had the chance, even with you, and then the boys coming along so quickly. He supported my desire to teach English, he didn’t mind my quotations on the walls and he never said a word about all the roses I painted through the years. There were so many things he could have resented, but he never did. He loved our home, and he loved you kids, and most of all…he loved me.”
“Did you love him, Mom? Really love Dad?”
“Of course I did. Beth, there are all sorts of love in this world. Your daddy didn’t sweep me off my feet like a knight in shining armor. He wasn’t the hero in some epic romance. But I didn’t need that. I needed a man who would take care of me and my child. I needed someone who could accept me for who I was. A husband who would protect me. John did all that and more. True love goes far beyond the silly, dizzy feeling that makes you act without thinking. It’s a real commitment to another person. Love is a promise to stick together through thick and thin.”
“So, it can’t just happen all at once? You don’t believe in love at first sight?”
“Not real love. Attraction. Passion, maybe. Affection. Fascination. But deep, abiding love is much more than that. It can’t happen until you really know someone fully. Warts and all.”
Beth swirled the ice around in her lemonade glass. Then she took a sip. After she swallowed, she let out a deep breath.
“I just don’t know,” she said, as if pronouncing the end of a conversation that she’d been having with someone other than Jan.
“What don’t you know, sweetie?”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Something is bothering you. Why don’t you tell me about it, Beth? I may not have answers, but I’m a good listener.”
“It’s this man I met.”
A thrill of hope shot up Jan’s spine. A man! Well, now, this was unexpected news! Beth had dated in high school and college, but she never got serious with any of her boyfriends. In fact, that’s all they really were. Male friends. Jan had begun to wonder if any of her children would find mates. She worried that three years of watching their father’s health decline might have erased all the good memories of their happy, busy, active family. Maybe they only saw marriage as a burden, a duty, one person taking care of another as everything went slowly right down the drain.
“Tell me about the man,” Jan said, hoping she sounded relaxed and indifferent. “Did you meet in New York?”
“No, in Africa.”
Oh, dear! That sounded like a recipe for problems. Where would he and Beth choose to live? Did they even speak the same language? Was the man a Christian? How could they ever agree on the right way to raise a child? And would they expect Jan to go to Africa to see her grandchildren?
She took too big a mouthful of lemonade and nearly choked getting it down. This was not a happy announcement. No matter how much Jan wanted Beth to find love and joy in a marriage, this sort of situation simply could not be good. But how could a mother ward it off? What could even be said in such a case?
“You met in Africa?” she managed to blurt out.
“He was the guy who kept putting his feet on my luggage while I was talking with you on the phone in the Nairobi airport. He’s president of a tea company in London. Miles is his name. He gave me his business card, and then I went to his office, and then we went to lunch, and then he told me he was falling in love with me. Just like that. I don’t think it’s possible at all, for him or for me, except that I can’t stop remembering the things he said to me. He asked me some questions, you know? And he told me what he’d been thinking about. Anyway, I left my Bible on the table in the pub, and he found my business address in New York, and he sent it to me. He had written me a note, and he wants to see me again. But I’m just not sure that’s a good idea. What do you think?”
Jan sat stock-still, as though she’d been pegged right down the spine by a steel bar. Information overload.
A man with his feet on Beth’s luggage—Jan remembered that, and she hadn’t wanted such a person anywhere near her daughter. This was bad.
But he was president of a tea company. This was good.
Beth had gone to his office when they’d only just met? Bad.
He had told her he was falling in love with her on the first date. Very bad.
Beth had her Bible out on the table—now, that was good.
But they had been in a pub at the time—oh, bad, bad, bad.
Jan raked her fingers through her hair. She hadn’t remembered to put in gel. Forget gentle curls. Her hair would be standing straight out from her head by morning. But who could think of hair care when a daughter came along asking strange questions and then making indecipherable announcements?
“Now, let me get this right,” Jan said, laying her hands flat on the table. “This man is an African.”
“No, he’s British. Some kind of an aristocrat. He has a brother, and the two of them reminded me so much of…well, they were like Bob and Bill. Goofy. Bugging each other. I felt comfortable with them. Comfortable with Miles.”
“But he had been very rude and obnoxious at the airport, hadn’t he?”
“He calls himself boorish. I don’t think it’s necessarily bad, though. He inserts himself wherever he wants—as though he has total confidence in his ability to fit in. Except with me. He said he couldn’t peg me.”
“Who can?” Jan chuckled, though she didn’t think it was all that funny. “Oh, Beth, this fellow has fallen for your enigmatic charms, just like all the other boys! I’m sure he was enraptured. But I don’t believe he could have been serious when he said he was in love with you. He doesn’t know you.”
“But…we sort of do. We know each other.” She shook her head. “I can’t explain it. What I’m thinking sounds too ridiculous to even put into words. It’s like…it feels as though God put Miles into my life. Maybe the way He put Dad into your life.”
“But your father came along to rescue me. You don’t need rescuing, Beth.”
“I don’t need anything. Or anyone. I’m happy. I
was
happy. Now, I just keep thinking about him. Miles, Miles, Miles. He pops into my mind when I least expect it. It’s like he stormed in and took over. But he isn’t right, Mom. He’s not a Christian, for one thing. I mean, that’s the main issue. He doesn’t even own a Bible. How could God have put Miles into my life if he’s not a believer? And of course, there’s the fact that he lives in London. That would make dating difficult. It’s impossible to think we could work anything out.”
“But you like him.”
Beth’s dark eyes focused on her mother. “I do. I want to see him again. I keep almost picking up the phone and calling him. But I’m so afraid it’s wrong. I’ve tried hard to be true to my faith, and I can’t bear to think that I’d do something stupid and mess up my life. Miles can’t be from God, can he? This must be some kind of temptation I’m supposed to withstand. Right?”
Jan sank back in her chair, recalling with some chagrin the fact that she had no idea where her own Bible was stashed. No doubt it was inside one of the cardboard boxes she hadn’t yet brought herself to open. She hadn’t felt any need for it, not even the couple of times she’d been to church recently. After all, they had Bibles in the pews if a person wanted to look something up.
As a young woman, Jan had been nothing like Beth. Worrying about being true to her faith? Rejecting a man because he wasn’t a Christian? Her main focus in those days had been how tight she could wear her jeans without making her father mad. How to control her coarse red hair. How to pass math.
And Thomas. Jan definitely had been all wrapped up in Thomas Wood.
S
he did not like his feet, and she was thankful he never wore sandals. In fact, Jan rarely saw Thomas in anything but his leather, steel-toed work boots. Winter, spring, summer and fall, the man kept his great big clodhopper feet tucked inside a pair of bleached white socks and those well-worn boots.
But Jan knew Thomas’s feet. They were like his hands to her now, so familiar she could draw a perfect picture of them from memory. During two years together, Thomas and Jan had bit by bit uncovered every private, intimate part of each other’s bodies.
At first they had done nothing but hold hands. Jan adored Thomas’s big, callused fingers and thick palms. They made her feel small and fragile. A man with hands like that could take care of a girl. And Thomas had.
But he wasn’t satisfied with just threading his fingers through Jan’s. Neither was she. Pretty soon, they were kissing. And then holding each other close. And finally came the day he took off his boots.
“Good gravy!” she exclaimed as he peeled off a sweaty white sock. “Thomas, that is the most enormous foot I’ve ever seen!”
He grinned, his thick brown hair hanging down over his collar and his dark eyes sparkling. “Wood feet,” he said. “We’ve all got ’em.”
Thomas wiggled his toes, cartoon toes with white nails like fish scales. He stuck his foot down into the water of the stream, where he always took Jan to be alone with her. Then he unlaced his other boot, pulled off his sock and put that foot into the stream.
“Wood feet, Wood hands, that’s me.” He looked at her sideways, a crooked grin on his mouth. “I’m Wood all the way. What do your feet look like?”
“Normal, thank goodness.” She kicked off her sneakers and set her bare feet beside his legs. “These are what normal toes look like.”
“Mmm.” He picked up her foot in both his hands, bent over and kissed it.
“Thomas Wood!” Jerking away, she let out a squeal. “That is gross. My feet are sweaty!”
“I love your feet.” He grabbed it again and spoke in a West Texas drawl. “Gimme them purty little feet, girl.”
Before she could stop him, he was cradling both her feet, rubbing them up and down with his thumbs and kissing her toes. His lips on her soles sent a fire roaring up through her chest. She gasped and flopped back onto the green, green grass.
And that was how it went. Day after day. Night after night. They had been like two firecrackers, fuses lit up and ready to pop. Did they do a thing to prevent it? On the contrary. They just stoked the fire.
By the first semester of Thomas’s senior year at the university, Jan was so mad for him that she could hardly make it through her classes. She was a sophomore, but just barely. Telling her parents she had been too young to start college at seventeen anyway, she managed to talk them into letting her take just a few courses that fall. She spent the rest of her time improving her tan, fixing her hair and working at the ice cream shop enough hours to pay for the constant stream of new clothes she felt sure she needed.
Not that she had any trouble keeping Thomas’s eyes fixed squarely on her. The man made a beeline to her house after his last class every day. They hopped into his car and drove somewhere. By that time they had several favorite places to be alone, and Jan had long ago gotten past the surprise of bare feet.
“I’ve got to tell you something, and I’m not sure how,” Thomas had said one afternoon as they sat together on a blanket by the stream. “I don’t want you to get upset.”
Jan had realized he wasn’t himself the minute she climbed into his big blue Mercury and scooted over beside him. He was holding on to the steering wheel as though the car might suddenly decide to take them off on a joyride. Eyes on the road, he had driven out to the stream, helped her spread the blanket and unloaded the picnic she’d packed for them. Instead of his usual talk about what he was learning in his college classes—Thomas loved his agriculture major and couldn’t think of much else besides school and hanging out with Jan—he had been silent.
They ate sandwiches, and she told him about a dress she had her eye on in one of the department stores. It was a pink-and-orange sundress with little strings that tied at the shoulders. She didn’t think her dad would let her keep it if she brought it home, even though she would pay for it with her own money that she’d worked hard to earn. Her parents were so conservative. They had no idea what the real world was all about.
Jan had chatted on and on, and the whole time, Thomas kept picking up pebbles and shooting them like marbles into the stream. Finally, she’d had enough of his preoccupation and asked him what was going on.
“Well, just go ahead and say what you have to tell me,” she said, “and then you’ll know whether it’s going to upset me or not.”
“You’ll be mad. I know you will.”
She stared at him, her mouth going dry. “You want to go out with someone else?”
“No!” He swung around, clamping his hands on her shoulders. “No, Jan. Never. You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved this way. You’re all I want. All I’ll ever want. You have to believe that.”
“Okay.” Her voice was hushed. “Then what is it? What can be so bad?”
He dropped his hands and looked away. “I got my internship assignment.”
“Well…we knew that was coming. You’ll be out of town for a semester. But we can call and write. And you can come home on weekends. It won’t be fun, but we can make it, Thomas.”
“Jan, I wasn’t placed near Tyler.”
“Where, then? You told me you thought you might get the internship in Shreveport. That was the one you wanted, wasn’t it?”
“They didn’t give me Shreveport.” He flipped another pebble. “I decided not to tell you this, because I figured it would never happen…but there were two openings overseas. I went ahead and applied for them, because you know how I’ve always wanted to travel. And I got one. It’s in Sri Lanka. A tea estate up in the highlands. The tea company will pay for my flight and my room and board and everything. This afternoon, I went over to the Ag building and talked to Dr. Heffert about whether I should do it. He thinks it’s a great opportunity, and he says I should go. So I accepted.”
He reached for a pebble, and Jan grabbed his hand. “Wait a minute—you’re leaving America? You’re going overseas?”
“Sri Lanka. It’s an island near India. It used to be called Ceylon, and they grow amazing tea there.”
“I don’t care what it’s called or what they grow! Thomas, how can you abandon me for an entire semester? We won’t see each other that whole time!”
“Jan, listen, it’s not that bad.” He turned and cupped the side of her face with his hand. “Please don’t worry. We can write letters every day. I’ll be back in time for my graduation in May.”
“May! But that’s forever!”
“Five months from the day I leave Tyler. It’ll go fast, I promise. I’ll be working hard to learn everything I can. And you’ll be busy with your classes and your friends. Look at it this way—you’ll be free to do whatever you want. You can go to girl movies and the mall and stuff. And Jan, you can spend more time on your paintings. I really want you to go somewhere with your art. This way, you won’t have me around bugging you all the time.”
“You don’t bug me! I love you, Thomas. I want to be with you. I don’t care about movies or the mall. And my paintings are stupid. I wish I’d never even shown them to you.”
Tears began to well, and she battled to keep them back. The few times she had cried, Thomas fell apart. He couldn’t stand to see a single tear, and he just went all to pieces. She had to speak firmly and make him understand that this simply was not possible! Five months on some foreign island growing tea? Absolutely not. He belonged in Tyler, Texas, and she was going to be strong enough to force him to see that.
“You don’t want to learn how to grow tea,” she informed him. Swallowing at the lump in her throat, she squared her shoulders and continued with her argument. “You’re Thomas Wood. Why would a Wood want to know about tea? Woods grow roses. Woods have grown roses for generations. You should be doing your internship with your father at his nursery like I told you.”
“Jan, the college won’t let me do that, and besides…I’m not sure I want to grow roses for a living.”
“What? You never said anything to me about that.”
“I know everything there is to know about roses. There’s no challenge to it. I want change. I want adventure. I want to go different places and try new things.”
With every sentence, Jan felt as though Thomas had punched her in the stomach. She blinked, but the tears welled up anyway. How could this be happening? It was far worse than just going overseas for five months. Thomas was telling her he was choosing a whole different life from the one she wanted.
“But you’re a
Wood,
” she managed to choke out, as if repeating it would somehow make him change his mind. “You can’t grow tea.”
“I can grow anything I want.” He leaned back on his arms and lifted his face to the sky. “I bet I can grow tea better than they ever imagined. I bet I can streamline their production process and identify diseases and keep their trees healthier than anyone they ever hired. The whole idea of stepping into something new really appeals to me. It’s change, you know. I want to change. I’m sick of being a Wood who can only grow roses. People hear my name, and that’s the first thing they think. But I want out. Out of roses, out of Tyler, even out of the States. Tea could take me all over the world. They grow it in lots of places, and there’d be no stopping me once I learned the basics.”
By now, Jan could hardly see through the blur of tears streaming out of her eyes, down her cheeks and onto her blue-jean-covered knees. She couldn’t believe he was saying these things. What about all her hopes of getting married and buying a white clapboard house and raising kids and dogs and growing old together on the front porch in their rockers? How could this be happening? It was a nightmare beyond her worst imaginings.
Pushing back her hair, she sniffled, and he turned his head as if surprised to find her still sitting there. “Jan?” he said. “Oh, no. Oh, baby, please don’t cry. It’s all right. I’m just talking, okay? Just dreaming big dreams. Don’t get all upset.”
“What about me?” she blubbered. “What about my dreams? What about us?”
“I see us together always, babe. I mean that. But you’re young, and so am I. We don’t have to settle down right away.”
He tried to pull her into his arms, but she pushed him away. “How can we be together always if you’re on some island and I’m in Texas? Huh? Did you think of that when you started dreaming big dreams?”
“It’s not any old island, it’s Sri Lanka. And it’s just for five months. We’ll be fine. I love you, and nothing can change that. I promise. Please believe me, Jan, and stop crying. I promise I won’t leave you alone. I’ll be with you for the rest of our lives, okay? Okay?”
She allowed him to draw her close, and she buried her head in his shoulder. Tears of hurt and frustration surged out as though she hadn’t cried in years. Was he promising marriage? Or threatening to discard her in favor of change and tea and seeing the world?
“What if you find another girlfriend?” she wept.
“I won’t. Nobody on an island off the coast of India could interest me.”
“You mean there might be a girl somewhere
else
who could interest you?”
“No, of course not!” He began kissing her wet cheeks. “Jan, please believe me. You’re everything. Everything I ever wanted.”
“I’m not tea!”
“But you’re you. You’re the woman I love.” Threading his fingers through Jan’s thick hair, he pressed her against his chest. “Come on, baby, you know how much I love you. We’re perfect together. We match. We fit.”
She sighed and closed her eyes. Maybe things weren’t so bleak. At least her reaction proved to her how much she wanted him—and proved it to Thomas, too. And they always got exactly what they wanted.