Authors: Dee Ellis
Even though I was a stranger to Regan and Tegan, somehow they had done well. Perfect, really. It
felt
like mine. Like how I would want my home to feel. Standing there in the beautiful living room of this perfect cottage in the center of Chicago, I broke down.
I sat on the fluffy ottoman, mindful of the pretty candle display, and cried. Bringing my knees to my chest, I buried my face in my thighs and wept; it started out sad, scared tears.
Tears because I wasn’t sure what the hell I was doing here. If I could make it here. Also, over the sadness of all I had lost. I had cried before over this, of course. This cry felt final; like I was letting it all go at last.
I would always mourn my mama, Tucker, the breakdown of my family. But I couldn’t let it destroy me or dictate what chances I took or losses I was willing to chance. Not again.
My tears soon changed and I was smiling into my jeans, soon laughing. All alone in this perfect place I was laughing. There were so many things for me to experience, for me to see and touch and taste and feel. I wanted it all. I wasn’t going to hold back and I wasn’t going to be cautious.
I would make friends and try new things and laugh and cry and get hurt. Without people telling me it was wrong or too soon or too much. I was done living my life the way everyone else said I should. Expected me to. Screw that. I had done that for long enough. So I laughed and cried for the loss of that too. Then I picked myself up and made this perfect place into my perfect home.
I thought of how proud Mama would be of me for taking a chance. Even if I failed and ran back home. Where it was safe and familiar. I was trying and she would be proud of that. My phone rang before I could find more tears and I frowned at it as it lay on the marble island.
“Hello?” Only a handful of people ever called me, and besides Maisie and Sadie, most those people were pissed at me still.
“Settling in, my dear?” Sara’s thick brogue sounded slightly thicker and I figured she had a few of her favorite beers in her by now.
“Sara. Yes, unpacking as we speak, actually. Sorry I didn’t see you after the program let out today,”
I had been running from my possible future,
I reasoned, “it went really well though. The kids seem excited. I have some progress notes for you.” I wasn’t sure why I was bothering with the notes; midway through I had just begun writing questions about Cage.
What exactly would you call that eye color? Does he have tattoos where I can’t see them? What is that delicious cologne he’s wearing? Jeez he’s huge everywhere. Is he...huge...everywhere? Jesus I bet he is
. These notes scribbled all along the margins of my notes. Clearly my head had not been in the game with Cage so close to me all day.
I would need to redo my notes for Sara. Then keep my distance from Cage tomorrow so I could keep proper notes. No more wondering about his pretty eyes or his sexy tattoos or how huge his cock was.
Huge, I was sure.
“Oh I figured Cage might have run you off,” Sara was always blunt and usually, I appreciated that, “that boy has a way about him. With the ladies. Or he did, once upon a time. Before yesterday.” Yes, she was definitely drinking.
“Sara I don’t know exactly what you mean. Cage was perfectly polite.” Well, except when he was calling me on my shit.
“Cage was once a ladies’ man. At least we thought he was. He let us think he was. Now...I think we were all following the wrong signs. Wrong facts. Even so, whatever he was or wasn’t, he’s not anymore. Not since yesterday.” There she went again, not making any sense.
“Sara, I think maybe you and Jim, or Jack or whoever has kept you company should call it tonight.”
“Yesterday, Charli,” She let out a sigh and then laughed like she was sharing a secret, “he met you. That’s why yesterday. You didn’t ask why, though. I’m still telling you. You remind me of me, Charli. A me from a long, long time ago,” The more she talked the soberer she sounded, “Loss and pain darkened my door step for a long time. So I ran from it until it was nothing but shadows. I want you to run too. Like the wind, lass. Like the fucking wind. Until you look at him and the shadows are gone and all you see is light.”
“Wait a second.... Sara what the hell are you talking about?” Cold washed over me because I thought somehow she knew about his claims today.
“Cage, pet. Took a liking to you, he did. Obviously. All the Coopers did, in fact. Told him you reminded me of myself when I was still in Ireland, waiting for my life to start. Before it all got bloody ripped away. That kind of loss,
our kind
of loss, needs time to mourn. Then time to heal. Then something to chase the darkness away.” I actually took my phone away from my ear and looked at it.
How could she know? Before setting up the interview with Sara, we had talked via some long and involved emails and a few Skype chats. I had shared a lot about myself but had done my best not to share the big stuff.
Sara knew about my family, my mama and daddy, and even the boys and their wives. I had mentioned a fiancé, but hadn’t been ready to tell anyone about him. Not anyone who didn’t know him, who didn’t know the story.
Because Tucker’s story and the truth of it, wasn’t just my story to tell. Somehow she knew and fresh tears flooded my eyes. This time from relief. It seemed she not only knew, but understood, without pity or sympathy. Just compassion and empathy. Which was a hell of a lot better than the sorry looks and whispered nonsense I got back home.
Seems Sara was a fuck of a lot more perceptive than I realized. Because she also knew about Cage. Somehow I knew she didn’t just know because maybe he had talked to her. She knew because she saw it. Which meant my attempts to run and feebly pretend it was anything other than my fighting this thing, were a moot point.
Cage knew I was running, he said as much. Sara’s call, which had sobered us both it seemed, said she knew it too. So it seems I was a lot more transparent about my immediate attraction than I realized. Well. Shit.
“Sara...I don’t think I have ever been as terrified as I am of Cage Cooper.” A nervous laugh bubbled up and she laughed too.
“Oh pet, you should be. Get over it quick. You came here for this; not for him precisely, although,” She let out a dreamy sigh and if I didn’t know better, I could swear she had a cougar-crush on Cage, “that boy is likely to be life changing enough. Damn good looking fellas those Coopers.” We laughed together again and then I gave in.
Sinking back into the plush sectional, I spilled it all. How I had run from him yesterday, then again today. What he had made me feel and how badly it had rocked me. To. My. Core.
The speech he had given me today. How I thought, despite myself, somehow I knew he meant what he said. Every word. The more she sobered, and the drunker I got as I talked about him, I wondered why I was scared.
Ticking them off in my head, I was a big fan of lists, I stated to her and myself exactly why. Cage was cocky and full of swagger and so fucking beautiful it should be illegal. This led me to believe he wasn’t exactly a virgin saint. Sara confirmed.
Secondly, he was intense and maybe even had a need for control. I was looking for less control for once in my life. Lastly, I had so much loss, so much gut wrenching, life altering loss that I couldn’t stand more.
“Loss is a risk every single day for Cage. The man is a fire fighter. One wrong mistake could end it. I just don’t know....” Sara let out another laugh and I frowned before she cut me off.
“Crossing the street is a risk every single day. Eating sushi. Taking the L. Tangling with Gwen Cooper. All risks to your life. Sitting at home waiting for something to happen while life happens without you is a risk, pet.” Well. Shit.
Sara was right and her deep, warm laugh punctuated it for me. Cage and his intensity and solemn, promising words were scary. So was waking up every day to open a bakery I loved only for the memories of my mother. And so was listening to the town talk about how miserable my life had to be because all I knew was loss.
I knew other shit, too. I knew laughter with my family and friends once. I knew the hungry, achy feeling bad boys like Ryder, and Cage left me with. I knew hope for something bigger. Something that was mine. That’s why I’m here.
After Sara insisted she was safe at home, nursing a bottle of Jim Beam because it was the anniversary of something tragic, I let her go. I liked Sara. Really she was the first honest person I had known in a long time. Back home I had friends, but our lives had taken different paths.
I had been planning a wedding I had never felt excited about while they headed off to college. Now they were planning their own weddings and making homes for their families. It was my turn to try the world on. See how it fit me.
1
A bright, cheery sun cut through the high windows of my new bedroom and I snuggled into my new bed. It was still early, plenty of time before I had to be at the library. My first night in my new place had felt amazing. I still had unpacking to do, I hadn’t done much after my talk with Sara, but I had gotten the necessities taken care of.
Climbing from the huge bed, stumbling a little in fact, I made my way to the master bathroom. The motel I had been staying in had only a shower and the huge, claw foot tub looked amazing. No time for such luxuries now, though.
I took a quick shower, scrubbed my face and spent way too much time on my hair. There was a lot of it, thick and wavy when I didn’t want it to be. Often I piled it in a bun and called it good.
Today, I left it down after blow drying it. I even got my bangs to cooperate and hang just above my brow. My work appropriate wardrobe was limited just yet. Back home I was always in jeans, t-shirt and an apron. I had just a handful of skirts and blouses that were fitting of my new role. Enough to make do if I was smart with how I paired them and added scarves or sweaters.
Now I wore a new skirt, which is to say I had yet to wear it for work. Bright turquoise and blush pink Aztec print wove through the pale sand colored fabric. It was shorter than I usually wore. It paired perfectly with a beige boat necked top and a bright pink scarf. Slipping on some matching pink ballet flats, I hooked diamond studs, the last gift from my daddy, in my ears and headed out.
Besides the cottage being perfect inside and out, I loved how close it was to the library. I was seriously considering selling my truck, but it had sentimental value. It was big and obnoxious and not something a girl like me might be expected to drive.
My daddy was a country boy through and through and so he didn’t see anything wrong with the gift for my sixteenth birthday. It was old now but I had taken care of it and it was the last significant thing from him. Maybe someday I would part with it. Of course it was also my only way to run home if I gave up here. Another reason I wasn’t quite ready to let it go.
It was cool out today, but bright and cloudless overhead. The city was busy even this early and I was still growing used to that. The streets were filled with commuters and students, all of it assaults to my senses.
The air smelled crisp and like rain, although the skies said that was impossible. It also smelled like gas and trash and the food cooking on the various street vendors’ carts I passed. Back home the leaves would be littering the streets, while here I kicked aside trash and squealed when I saw a mouse skittering by a store front.
The closer I got to the library, the more nervous I got. My hands smoothed over my clothes, pulling at my messenger bag. I knew why I was nervous. Knew why I had taken more time on my appearance today. Today my day would be spent with Cage.
We were to meet with the kids in the atrium at eleven before heading over to his station. They would learn about his daily life there, and so I would I. We would meet his house captain, Hunter Byrne, take a tour and meet the rest of the fire men.
It meant an awful lot of quality time with Cage. After yesterday, and my talk with Sara last night, I was anxious. That I was looking forward to seeing him was ridiculous but it was still the truth. Truth that I wasn’t ready to reveal to Sara if she asked and she would. And certainly not to Cage.
“Morning sunshine.” I greeted her as she stood at the first level reference desk.
“Morning, pet,” Despite the drunken stooper she seemed to be in last night, she was bright and cheery as ever, “you look stunning, lass. Pink is your color, sis.” I knew right away she knew just why I looked so different today and I scowled.
“Hush. What’s the business today?” This had become our morning routine in the two weeks I had been here.
The staff at the library was small but close and I was growing to love them all. Besides Sara and myself, there were five other librarians and three student assistants. Sara was our fair leader, seeing to staffing, creating the programs and taking care of most the finances. My role was directly under her; I helped with the programs and inventory purchases.
I hadn’t learned much about the rest of the staff just yet, but had chatted with Lola Von, almost every day. Besides Sara, Lola was my go to; just a few years older than me; we had already discussed starting a book club with some of the others. Just a tiny thing, she was always lively and talkative with bright blue eyes and dark short hair that often had a different sweep of color through it. Reminded me of a fairy in a way.