Authors: Dee Ellis
Damn, that one hurt and it took me too long to recover because the van rolled to a stop. Then the doors were flying open and the kids were climbing in and not another word was spoken between us. I knew she was lying. Pissed off at me for being so forward, for pushing her too hard. Upset that her friend made eyes at me and tried to flirt.
God knows what that friend, or even Sara had told her about me. Not to mention that bullshit Finn was talking yesterday about O’Malley’s. Even as she was cold and harsh to me, I could feel the surge between us. I could sense her pulse speeding up when I was close. Yes, Charli wanted me and maybe she did need me. She just wasn’t ready to let herself, let alone me, know that.
Two hours later, Charli had completely drawn into herself. We had run about ten drills, starting a contained fire on a school bus, inside the tower and a brush fire. The kids kept a safe distance as we put each one out, then slowly demonstrated the different ways we had squelched each fire. I tried to stick close to her.
When I came close to her after the tower fire, covered in soot and smelling of smoke, she winced. Fuck if that look in her eyes didn’t make me ache. Her ghosts had a firm grip on her today and they weren’t letting go anytime soon. I wanted to battle them but I couldn’t till she let me in enough to find out who, or what, they were.
Devon was super into the session today and his look when they got to do some hose and extinguisher work was priceless. I had talked to him in between each drill and ironed out the plans for him to stop by the station house next week.
It hadn’t exactly been a lie, what I told Charli earlier. But I hadn’t exactly offered him the opportunity until today. Not the one I told Charli I had lined up. I never intended to lie to her. Although she clearly had no fucking issue lying to me. By the end of the session I was pissed.
I wanted to talk to her, to tell her whatever she needed to hear to bring her back to me. Yesterday she had been so open, so warm and she all but begged me to take her after that kiss. I promised her I would fight her ghosts and that meant not giving up the first time she turned me away.
As we rode down the busy streets of Chicago, heading to a large, noisy pizza place the kids had picked, I was aware of her reading beside me. The bus jostled and bounced, but she kept her book propped in her hands, eyes never lifting. There were buds in her ears and I could faintly make out some Carrie Underwood when I listened close.
I suddenly got an idea as I watched her reading. My plan to use my book as an excuse to chat her up would get me nowhere with her today. Charli was trying to convince us both she didn’t want me bad enough to want more than my cock. Whatever ghosts that plagued her kept her from believing in something more.
I knew she had lost someone but I didn’t know how big of a loss that was. I needed to know but there’s no way she’d tell me after I fucked things up by being so god damned pushy.
I couldn’t help it; I saw what I wanted and I went for it. That’s just how I was. I didn’t half ass shit. I wanted Charli. Fuck yes I wanted her for her pussy but I wanted her for a fuckova lot more.
Sitting at lunch with the kids loud and Charli still quiet, I made a point of trying to ignore her. It was bullshit because I saw every time she laughed, every move of her hair over her shoulders. Still, I had pretended before in my life once or twice. After Ariel and Finn fucked me over, I pretended to want the next bitch who wanted to ride my dick.
Ariel believed it. The bitch riding my dick sure as shit believed it. After Krista dumped me and started fucking half my friends, I pretended it didn’t bother me one bit. I could pretend for Charli’s sake that I could handle her empty attempts at rejection.
“Cage,” Sara was talking gently which caught my attention because she was never gentle, “are you keeping your promise?” Her red curls tilted towards Charli discreetly and I gave a jerk of my head.
“Yeah, Sweet Sara. I always keep my promises.” I said this just loud enough for Charli to hear.
If looks could kill. Well...you know the rest. Charli narrowed those dark eyes at me and cleared her throat. When I winked at her, I felt a sharp pain in my leg and realized she had kicked me with her high heeled boots. The sharky smile she shot me went straight to my dick. Damn, I liked this girl. We both went back to our lunch as if the moment hadn’t happened.
Sara had caught on to something, I was positive, though she didn’t bring it up again. Instead we talked with Devon about his carrying on with studies and other programs he had enrolled in at the library.
I found out he signed up for some interview and resume programs, as well as some precollege finance classes. I really liked Devon. He spoke little of his home life but I gathered it wasn’t great and part of his reason for wanting to better himself.
“Was it your family that made you want to do it, Cage?” I cut that Mr. Cooper shit out right away; that’s Pop, not me.
“Yeah, I think so. I mean my pop is a lifetime fire fighter. My uncles are both in the life. An uncle on my Mom’s side.... he was an EMT.” It had been a long time since I had talked about that uncle and I had a hard time with it.
My uncle, my mom’s brother, had been an EMT all my life. During a routine call four years ago, he was struck by a car on the freeway. It was sadly ironic to me that he lost his life while saving someone else. We had been close and he had mentored me when I started out as an EMT. He was a hulk of a man but as gentle as they come, always with a smile and a moment.
Talking about him, even briefly was my least favorite topic despite how much he meant to me. I could feel Sara’s eyes on me and I shared a long look with her, clearing my throat as Devon continued asking questions. Her hand came out to tug at my ear, something he had done when he wanted to cheer someone up. My eyes flew to Charli, embarrassed by my emotional reaction in front of her.
When my eyes met hers though, I felt my breathing stutter at the look on her beautiful face. It was pain and fear but mostly longing. Charli’s gray eyes glittered with tears and her bottom lip was nipped into her mouth. Now I knew that trick was her fighting her emotions.
Either her smiles when I shamelessly flirted with her, or her desire when I touched her. Now her sadness when I brought up pain and loss. This was my pain and loss though. For a long moment the air between us grew thick and I felt her empathy; felt the connection of two souls who had lost something that altered them after.
Even though I was the one struggling with my loss right then, I wanted to comfort her. I ached to see her hurting and know I might have caused it. When her chin tilted, shoulders squaring I knew that’s the exact opposite of what she wanted. The others were talking and laughing, completely oblivious.
Sara’s eyes darted between the two of us, but we were silent. I knew right then one of the reasons she was here. Why she had run away. Her loss had not ruined her, though it indeed altered her. The pity and remorse heaped on her by others is what was threatened to ruin her.
“Sorry man,” Devon said softly, seeming uncomfortable, “I didn’t know.”
“No worries, Devon. No way you could know. He was a great man, like a father to me and he got me through EMT training. I miss him a lot. Just try to make him proud, you know?” Though I was talking to Devon, I kind of felt like I was admitting this to Charli.
When she looked away, a hand swiping over her face, I saw her biting back a smile. Fuck I wanted to reach out and touch her. I felt like right then, I needed her. I didn’t risk it, didn’t want to push her again. Instead I went back to struggling to ignore her. Sara reached out, tugging my earlobe again as we exchanged a sad look.
Sara had been close to my uncle too; I thought once maybe they had a thing going on. It had always been the four of them; my parents, Sara and my uncle Griffin. The two of us became close after he passed.
I focused my energy on her, letting her mouthy Irish humor keep me from feeling down. My eyes often found their way back to Charli. Each time, hers were watching me, the softness in them making me ache.
The kids were excited and loud and I was glad to see my first attempts at mentoring were having some positive effects. If they continued the program, I thought I just might enjoy doing this again. Devon seemed on a good path, and was welcoming positive reinforcement from all of us.
Focusing on Devon and Sara kept me from making a fool of myself with Charli again. That is, until we all boarded the bus again, heading back to the library. I’d given her some space during the training and lunch. I was about done with it by then. So when we climbed on, I slid close to her, struggling to rein in my reactions to her.
We had gone just a few blocks when I felt a weight at my thigh. My eyes fluttered closed because it was so welcome but so unexpected. Charli pressed a soothing touch into my thigh and I covered her hand with mine. I chanced a look her way and saw her nose deep in her book again. Still, I was smiling like a fucking idiot when she lifted her fingers, letting mine weave within them.
Charli never looked up from her book but she was smiling too as she gave my hand a squeeze. Just like that I felt okay again. I let go of the breath I had been holding since talking about my uncle. Charli had her legs crossed, one knee bouncing and then she shoved at the floor gently. Bringing her snug against my side. All while reading her book and never acknowledge the intimacy between us.
The feel of our hands woven together was more intimate than I could have imagined. I felt so wired and alive at the same time it felt natural. Like it was exactly how we belonged. Together. Sara glanced back once, saw our hands tightly clutched at my thigh and her eyes went wide as saucers. Even though I smiled at her, her brow furrowed before she leveled a look I couldn’t decipher at me.
Then she spun away, chatting up the bus driver and ignoring us the rest of the day. Even when we all filed out and headed inside. Sara made up an excuse to leave, which Charli didn’t even question. I knew she was lying; knew she was going into mom mode because she cared so much about Charli.
We gathered in the atrium again, once again in the circle of couches and low club chairs. Again Charli sat beside me, though we kept a safe distance this time. We talked awhile with the kids about tomorrow, which was my final day with them. I would be bringing in some EMT trainers and some Volunteer fire fighters so they could speak one on one.
At the end of the day, they would each work one on one with whoever they chose. If they wanted to. Whether it was just hearing the speakers talk or lining up volunteer options, it was up to them.
“Awe we’re going to miss you, Cage.” Britney pouted, tossing her long blonde hair at the same moment Jade did.
“I’ll be around,” I promised, leveling a pointed look at Charli, “hopefully the mentoring program continues and I get to work with more kids like you. If just one of you decides to join the life, man, that’s a big deal to me. If any of you have questions or need some guidance, I’m always here.” This was said with a pointed look at Marcus, who though he was the class clown, had seemed to take some interest in the EMT role we talked about.
We spent some more time chatting about the job, what I called the life. The girls had signed up for all the wrong reasons, meaning because of a silly crush on me. By now I figured they’d have lost focus entirely. Jade didn’t seem thrilled about it all, but Britney seemed much more invested than she had been at the start.
My focus after tomorrow would be Devon, without a doubt. But I wanted to take Marcus aside if I got the chance and see where his head was at. Charli was talking with the kids, jotting down notes in her always present notebook. The air between us was charged, but more pleasant than before.
After the ride here, I felt much calmer. Her presence, the pressure of her fingers in mine had soothed me. Still I knew she was grasping at those lies about wanting me for all she was worth. To protect herself. I refused to give her the chance to run so far away I couldn’t catch her. I had warned her as much.
So after we broke for the day, the kids saying goodbye and breaking into the little clusters that had formed, I excused myself. Digging the book I planned to use as a tool to get her talking out of my bag, I ripped out a sheet of paper from a pad in my bag. I scribbled a quick note on it and headed downstairs, never uttering another word to Charli.
It might seem like a dick move to her, but she’d forgive me soon enough. Once I convinced Lola that her flirtations were wasted, I bribed her for a favor. A hook up with Finn or someone as comparably hot, her words not mine, and she was down.
Smirking as I slid the book across the counter, just as Charli stepped into the circular reference desk, I turned to head out. Thinking twice, I turned back, took a few steps towards her and reached out to take her hand.
“Later, Sugar. Thank you for...thank you.” Giving her hand a squeeze, I watched her flush before I spun on my sneakers and headed for the doors.
“B... bye Cage.” As I pushed through the wide, tall oak doors, I glanced back once.
Charli was watching me go and Lola was giving me thumbs up. Let her lie to me after she opened that book.
I never realized how calculating I can be. Robotic even. For most my life, I fit into whatever mold everyone else thought I should. Baby sister to my brothers, to be protected and walked all over.
Doting daughter to a father who had one foot out the door for years. Devoted to a mama who thought lies were the best way to protect me.
Smiling, lovesick bride to be to the boy who never wanted to come home for the wedding. Who never would.
Broken, grief stricken nothing to everyone in my home town who used my life and its tragedies as a conversation piece. I just went along with it, never fighting back or calling out my frustration.
Apparently along the way, the only thing I had learned was to shutter myself. Close myself off to people I wasn’t willing to deal with. When the whispers about my mourning not lasting long enough, not seeming genuine enough started, I shut people out.
When people asked too many questions about Tucker before I was ready, I responded with silence. I shielded the bullshit like a fucking warrior. Now I was so good at it, I did it even when I didn’t know it. When I didn’t even mean to, or really even want to. Lately though...at least for the last few days, I hadn’t been so good at shielding.
Cage had left me hungry for him, stung by his rejection when I wanted more. Livid that he thought he got to decide for me. I was fucking sick to death of people deciding for me. Of feeling bad when they already made choices I had no part in.
After leaving me on my doorstep all but pleading for him to take me, I was hurt and angry. That anger shifted focus once I heard Lola talking about him like it was common knowledge he otherwise had no issues taking what he was offered.
When I saw him this morning, looking amazing and excited, I kind of forgot I was mad at all.
Sweet Jesus
, Cage is gorgeous when he smiles; all bright, perfect teeth and that fucking dimple. Then Lola made a point of being flirtatious and I remembered my anger.
If he noticed my anger, it seemed to only make him sweeter. As if he not only noticed it, but had every idea just what it was about. Then he made with the touching me and coming so close I could see the flecks of yellow in his eyes. Absolutely unfair to use his charms on me that way. I almost told him as such, but thought he already knew that.
When we headed out to pick up the kids, he followed close behind, intoxicating me with his musky, leathery scent. Then just when I was ready to give him a piece of my mind, he took my hand. It was the way he did it that didn’t have me snatching it away.
Cage touched me like he owned me, but needed the touch to confirm it. Every. Single. Time. Like he was reaching out to remind himself I was real, and he was so overwhelmed when he found I was. So I let him hold my hand. The squeeze he gave at my fingers shot right between my legs and I clutched my thighs tight. I’d had enough orgasms with his name on them for one day.
My skin flushed as I thought of calling out his name last night as I came. Wondered what Cage would think of that if he knew. Part of me wanted to tease him with that truth. A part of me I never knew existed because I wasn’t sexy or wanton. At least I never was before Cage.
The confidence that he held in his promise to me, that there was some future for us, made me want to believe him. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. Didn’t know all the luggage that traveled with me. Besides that, I didn’t doubt he bedded women at random. I couldn’t live up to the type of women he’d buried himself in. I didn’t even want to try.
What’s more, if I was foolish enough to let him convince me, it would break my heart to let him into it. Because sooner or later, I would lose him too. I couldn’t handle that again. That meant there was no future there, not for me and Cage. Not for me and anyone.
Sara was pointedly ignoring the conversation we were having about just that fact, but I knew she heard every word. Once or twice our eyes met and she seemed cautious and worried. Which meant we would be talking later because I wanted to know what was behind that. Right now I was struggling to think at all because Cage was close to me, saying shit I never thought I might want to hear.
Turns out, if he was the one saying it, apparently I did. Not only was my body a traitor, letting him touch me, wanting it, leaning into it when he did. Apparently, my heart was too because I wanted whatever he offered. My mind, however, was there to save me because his sweet talk had to be stopped.
“From what I hear whispers of, Cage,” His eyes flashed when I said his name but I pressed on, ice in my words, “That must be new territory for you.”
“Abso-fucking-lutely. Charli Dixon,” Cage’s voice held such conviction, I searched his face for a hint it was nothing but lies, “you are an entirely new world to me. I may hide it better but I’m likely a fuck of a lot more scared than you are right now.”
“You don’t know shit about me! You assume those sweet promises you made within hours of meeting me were what I needed? What I came here for? Wrong, baby. I came here, left my family and my home and...my life, for me. Just because I think you’re attractive, because I may want to fuck you,”
Sweet Jesus
it felt good to say, to see the way his light eyes darkened and hooded, “doesn’t mean I need you Cage.” I nearly winced at how bitchy I sounded but it was my only weapon against him.
Cage flinched and a nerve twitched in his jaw before he turned away. I wanted to take it all back the minute he shut himself down. I hated that he was so open and honest and I was lying and closed off. I wanted him. More than I could handle right now and definitely for more than just sex. Somehow I knew it could never be just that with Cage.
That he absolutely believed his words and if I ever let him fuck me, because we both wanted it, he’d never stop. I’d never shake him if I didn’t lie and push him away now. I couldn’t let him touch me or kiss me and I couldn’t let him fuck me. Neither one of us would turn away after and that’s why he wanted me to ask him for it. Because if I did, it was my accepting that I believed his promises.
Before I could confuse him and fuck things up more, the kids were there and then we were headed towards the training tower. I had spoken to Sara at length about the training tower, so I knew what I was about to witness.
Then again, that was before I was so twisted up over Cage. Now, I had to sit and watch my fears become reality. I had almost backed out of it this morning. Which is why Sara was with us; in case I couldn’t handle it. I hadn’t told her everything about Cage but she didn’t need details. Sara knew he was playfully pursuing me and that I was running hard and fast in the opposite direction.
For two agonizing hours, I watched Cage battle the fires and fight through roiling clouds of smoke. If I had been closed off to him before watching him risk his life, I was shuttered to the entire world now.
Cage didn’t give up though. In between each contained fire, which they quickly and efficiently put out, he came to me. As if to reassure me he was in one piece.
His hands would come out, marred in soot and sweat and I wanted the touch. Needed it to confirm he was okay. Yet each time, I winced to the touch and he backed away. It was eating at him, to see me so upset and I knew that meant something. Knew that it mattered.
I couldn’t focus though; could only think of the horror stories his friends at the station had told us. Could only see him banged up and changed forever after losing a battle with a fire. I thought of Tucker and the fiery, painful death he had endured. I knew too many details because his friends too, had liked to share.
I often dreamt of him, or I had until recently; burning and crying in pain as the Humvee he was in exploded into bits. Saw his face as it was before he left for another country, to fight a war that shouldn’t have been waged. Handsome and full of hope and life before it twisted into a flaming, fleshy figure I couldn’t recognize. The loss I could suffer because of Cage was too similar to the wounds that hadn’t yet scarred over.
We were all quiet, except the kids, as we headed for lunch. Cage kept close to me and I wanted to thank him, to tell him how badly I needed his presence. Then I realized that I did need it. Wanted it so badly and yet I was pushing him away. I was more confused than ever when we sat through lunch and he carried on with the others, ignoring me completely.
I deserved it, had all but asked for it with my harsh lies earlier. It stung though; made me ache in places I hadn’t hurt before. I watched him as he laughed and joked with the kids, so charming and beautiful. Whenever his eyes found me watching him, I couldn’t hold his gaze. I was confused and ashamed and hated how quickly I was ready to give in to him.
I did my best to pretend that all the mean, nasty things I said earlier were true. I laughed with the kids as they talked about Cage and the others impressive work today. Devon seemed so taken with Cage; he truly thought he was a hero.
With Devon he really kind of was; he paid attention to him and talked to him with respect. Cage was offering Devon a real chance at something concrete and from what I knew of Devon’s past, there wasn’t much of that.
I watched them talk quietly, Cage always listening openly and seeming truly invested. It was a turn on, as if he needed more ways to turn me on. I imagined him with kids, with little ones that had his dimples and my gray eyes and my thighs trembled and I had to cross my legs.
“Was it your family that made you want to do it, Cage?” Devon asked around a bite of the huge slice of pepperoni pizza he was working on.
“Yeah, I think so. I mean my pop is a lifetime fire fighter. My uncles are both in the life. An uncle on my Mom’s side,” Cage’s voice was thick with sadness and I watched him struggle, “he was an EMT.”
For a long moment the table was quiet, except Jade who was flirting with the waiter. Sara reached out and tugged at his ear and something passed between the two. As if they both struggled with the same loss. Any walls I might be trying to build to keep him out, crumbled. I wanted to take his hand and feel his pain instead of making him endure it.
As if he could transfer the pain of losing someone that clearly meant so much to him, to me. So I could bear it with my own losses. I knew then that no matter what fight I would put up, because I knew my fight wasn’t done just yet, it was too late. When his eyes found mine, their honey hazel depths watery and pained, I knew.
Did not matter if I had been prepared for Cage to come into my life or not. Didn’t matter how terrified I was of letting someone in just to lose them. It didn’t even matter that he scared me because I felt like I was already his. Just like he wanted me to believe he was already mine.
Sitting there, watching him fight his sadness and win, I knew none of that mattered. I knew that my struggle to protect myself wasn’t over and yet he understood that. Cage had promised to fight my ghosts and now I wanted to slaughter his. I knew as we sat in that pizza joint, the air thick with loss it was too late.
I was already a little bit in love with Cage Cooper.
1
Cage had amazing hands. They had touched me so often already but not quite the way I wanted. Holding my hand once. Slipping up my thighs, his calloused fingers burning my skin. Just before his thumbs pressed against my wet, aching pussy. Again, not quite the way I wanted because we hadn’t been alone.
Even gentle touches still they burned me as if he were branding me. Which I kind of think he was, even if he didn’t know it. Branding me as his because we both knew I already was. No matter the cold words I had flung at him like weapons to keep him away. They hadn’t harmed him enough to work and I was thankful.
Now we sat riding back to the library and our hands were laced together. I loved the weight of his palm pressing atop mine. The feel of his strong, thick fingers clutching mine tightly. I touched him because he needed it. Maybe I needed it too. Then I couldn’t let go and I was glad he didn’t either. Sliding close to his side, feeling his strong shoulder against my bare one, I felt light. Airy like the crisp breeze swirling fallen leaves through the air around us.
Being close to him both calmed and excited me in ways I had never known possible. The more I got of feeling his warmth and hardness against my softness, the more I craved.
When we reached the library, I wanted to yank him into my office and tell him the words he knew I’d say. That I wanted him and I wouldn’t lie about it again. I didn’t get the chance because Sara told me to meet her in her office once I was done with the kids. Instead of having my way with Cage, as the pulsing between my thighs and the painful ache of my tits wanted, I had a bad feeling she had bad news for me.
I caught her worried glances between the two of us. So I figured it might be wise to wait. So when I went to find Cage, and found him whispering with Lola, my heart sank.
However, when I stepped behind the reference desk, he dismissed Lola completely, coming to slide a book between us. I frowned, eyes darting between the two, finding Lola beaming at me before Cage startled me.
“Later, Sugar,” Leaning over the mahogany desk top, he took my hand and held my gaze, “Thank you for...thank you.” Cage’s voice was low and sexy and my lady bits reacted accordingly.
“B... bye Cage.” I watched him until he was gone, confused by his quiet departure.