Letters Home (11 page)

So while I walked back to my car, alone, I did my best to hold my head up and think about how much worse this could be. Nate could be getting deployed for a year or more. Really, three months was no time. I could do this. I had to. But the minute the car door closed, I lost it. Huge sobs racked my body and I let them go, knowing that the harder I tried to keep them bottled up the worst I’d feel. After a few minutes I was able to calm down enough to drive myself home, and by the time I pulled into the driveway I’d stopped crying.

After about an hour at home by myself I decided to head into the office. Even though they had given me the day off, there had to be something I could work on. It would keep me busy and give me something else to focus on, besides counting the days on the calendar. The idea wasn’t as ridiculous as I’d originally thought because when I got there, Tina was not surprised to see me.

“I should tell you to go home but I know that’s pointless, so here’s some more information on the mother,” she said, handing me a thick folder.

“Thanks, Tina,” I said, and taking the folder back to my office, I went to work.

I kept myself buried under paperwork for the next week. It was late when I’d get home at night, leaving me just enough time to eat dinner and check my email before going to bed. Nate always emailed me once he got settled. That first email would usually let me know when he would have a chance to call too. When I hadn’t heard anything by Tuesday of the next week, I started to get frustrated. It was rare to go this long without hearing from him. Each day when I got home from work, I hoped to find a message in my inbox and when I finally received a message from Nate saying that he’d be calling the next night around eleven, the butterflies in my stomach went crazy. It seemed like forever since I’d heard his voice and the idea that I’d get to see him on Skype too…that was
everything
.

That night I went to bed and tossed and turned for most of the night. My whole body was full of jitters. The next day I went to the office and threw myself into my work just like I’d done every day since Nate left, but it was harder than I thought it would be to keep focused. I had so much on my plate yet my eyes continued to stray to the clock, willing it to move faster. Unfortunately, it didn’t want to cooperate. Since Nate wasn’t calling until late, I decided to stay at work late. No need to go home and sit in an empty house and stare at the clock.

Reaching a good point to take a break I put away the files and headed home. There were still a few hours until Nate called so I tried to keep busy. With adrenaline coursing through me I cleaned the bathroom, living room, and scrubbed the kitchen floors to a shine. Feeling pretty dirty after all of that, I looked at the clock for probably the twentieth time since I got home and realized that I had enough time for a shower—although I still raced through it in case Nate called early. I rushed to get dressed and get comfortable on the couch with my laptop open. The length of time we could spend talking was never set in stone, always varying. Usually at the beginning of the deployment time was shorter because everyone wanted to call their families. As the deployment continued the calls were spaced out so each soldier could spend more time on the phone.

About fifteen minutes later the call came through. When the call connected, I breathed a sigh of relief. It felt like the weight on my chest had been lifted a bit. I knew that feeling would end when the call was disconnected, but I was going to bask in it while I could.

“Hey, sweetheart, what have you been up to?” Nate smiled. It gave me a sense of peace to be able to see him again, even if I couldn’t touch him.

“Working.”

“Dani, don’t tell me that you’re spending all your time working again?”

I fidgeted in my seat. Nate hated it when I used work to cope with stressful situations. “Maybe,” I said in a small voice.

“Dani,” he warned.

“All right, all right. I’ll call Marissa and Liam and see if they want to have lunch or something.”

“You better, or I’ll call Liam myself.”

I raised my right hand. “I promise. How are things over there?

“Hot, but quiet.”

“Well, quiet’s a good thing, right?”

“Absolutely, but we still have to put up with Colin. He says ‘hi,’ by the way.”

“Tell him I said ‘hi’ back. It feels weird sleeping here all alone. Every other time you were overseas, I had my own place so it wasn’t strange to be sleeping there by myself, but here…”

“You have no idea how much I wish I was there, sleeping next to you.”

“Me too.”

We spent the next twenty minutes just talking as if we were in the same room, but all too soon his time was up. “Dani, promise you are going to at least attempt to have a social life while I’m gone? You can’t just hide away until I get back.”

“I know, and I promise to call them tomorrow.”

“It makes me feel better knowing that you are spending time with your family and friends.” Nate turned his head and yelled to someone behind him. “All right, sweetheart, I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call again soon.

“I love you, Nate,” I said blowing a kiss at the screen.

“Love you too.” He caught the kiss and blew me one of his own.

“Sweet dreams.”

And just like that our call was disconnected. The lightness that I’d felt talking to Nate instantly disappeared, but I took solace in the fact that I was feeling much better than I had in the last week. Just hearing his voice had soothed me somewhat, and that night I went to bed and dreamed of Nate and his homecoming.

The next day I made sure to call both my brother and Marissa. Liam and I decided to have dinner that weekend. Since Nate and I got married, my parents had decided to keep traveling—at least until it was closer to when Nate would return and we could finish planning the second wedding. When I talked to Marissa she already had plans, but suggested that we have lunch the following weekend.

After that, time moved back into its pattern: work, dinner, and sleep. By the weekend, though, I was ready to relax. Liam and I had a wonderful time, spending most of the night joking about all of the stupid things we did as kids. By the next week I was pulling back my hours slightly at work. I re-enrolled in my yoga class. It had been too long.

The following weekend came pretty quick and I was finding that, as time went on, I was more relaxed than I had been since Nate left. There was something about multiple messages from Nate in a week that made me feel like the time would pass more quickly than I’d originally thought. I ended up meeting Marissa in town for a bite to eat and, wanting to spend some more time together, we decided to head back to my place to have coffee and chat. In the middle of our conversation about the guy she was currently dating—who, for once, didn’t sound like a complete loser—there was a knock on the door.

For some inexplicable reason the hairs on the back of my neck stood up straight. I made my way over to the door. The last thing I remembered before blacking out was seeing two men in uniform standing on my doorstep.

That defining moment in your life. The one that changes your entire world.

“Danielle?”

I heard a voice call from what sounded like a distance. “Danielle?” There was a soft touch yet for some reason my body fought back as I tried to open my eyes. They felt so heavy, but the more I listened to the voice the lighter they became. Slowly, my lids lifted and I took in the scene before me. The room came into focus and I recognized my furniture. I let my eyes wander to the hand on my arm and up to Marissa’s face. Her eyes were red and puffy. Things started to slide into place and I turned to face the two men sat across from me. Their uniforms and Marissa’s face said it all.

Nate was dead.

If I hadn’t already been lying down I would have crashed to the floor with the violent sobs that shook my body. Somewhere in the midst of my grief I heard the words that every army wife fears, and Marissa’s arms wrapped around me, squeezing as if she was trying to keep me from breaking apart. Pain radiated through my chest, as if there was a hole in my heart. At that moment I wasn’t sure that was impossible. The soldiers, one I subsequently recognized as Chaplain Hayes, tried to comfort me but their words held empty platitudes. The idea that my husband was a hero who died defending his country meant nothing to me when my life as I knew it had just shattered around me.

An all-consuming weight pressed me down, kept me on the floor, my body convulsing as I cried, unable to pick myself up. Did it really matter? Did anything matter anymore? Eventually, the three of them helped me to the couch, Marissa taking a moment to call my family. What were they going to do?

The soldiers stayed for a bit. Even though I stopped crying, all I could do was shut down and ignore the comfort they attempted to offer me. Zoning out I stared at the white wall, hoping that this was all a really terrible nightmare and I’d eventually wake up. I prayed that they’d made a mistake and that Nate was alive, that he’d call at any moment and save me from this torment.

I wasn’t that lucky.

Wanting to be alone for a while, I got up and made my way to our bedroom. Without a second thought I picked up our picture from the nightstand and I went to Nate’s side of the bed to lie down. Needing to be as close to him as possible I buried my face in his pillow, weeping once again for all that I lost. Nate was my one and only…but now I was just alone.

Time held no meaning anymore so I wasn’t sure how much passed when I felt him slip onto the bed behind me and wrap his arm around my waist.

“Danielle?” Liam whispered into the back of my neck. “Please talk to me. Marissa said you haven’t spoken a word.”

My throat burned from the tears I shed. Liam’s gripped on me tightened. “Danielle, don’t shut me out now. You never have before. Let me help you.”

Turning to face him, I locked my gaze onto my brother’s. My lip quivering, my voice cracking I asked, “What am I supposed to do now? Nate wouldn’t leave me alone.”

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” he said as he pulled me into his arms, his voice thick with his own unshed tears. Liam let me cry into his arms, soaking his shirt with my grief.

When my tears slowed he tried to coax me out of bed to eat, but I just didn’t want to go anywhere. Cocooned in our bedroom, it was like he was still alive. His clothes hanging in the closet, the book he had been reading for months lying, dog-eared, on the bedside table, his cufflinks from our wedding on the dresser where he’d left them. If I left here, what did that mean? This was the place he’d brought me after our wedding vows, the place where he had promised me he’d be home soon. Now he was never coming home again. Our last conversation had been over the Internet—that was my last goodbye to him. Had I known that, there was so much more I would have said. Words that let him know how much he meant to me, how I didn’t want to live without him. Now, I’d never get that chance. I’d never hear his voice again, or see his face. Nate was gone and I was supposed to find a way to navigate life without him.

But
how?

Over the next few days I alternated between crying, sleeping, and staring into nothingness. The thought of food made my stomach churn, and the pain in my chest became almost unbearable at times. My parents returned and did their best to comfort me but nothing helped. I wasn’t even sure that time was the answer. It felt as if the hole in my heart would always be there, making it hard to breathe. The partners in the office told me to take as much time as I needed—my job would be there waiting for me when I was ready to come back. Liam saw my inability to function and met with Chaplain Hayes himself to arrange the funeral. What twenty-five year old should have to arrange their husband’s funeral? I didn’t know what I’d have done if it weren’t for Liam. I just didn’t have it in me.

I knew the details only because Liam made sure I did, saying that I’d regret it if I wasn’t there to say my good-byes. The plane carrying Nate’s body was arriving Wednesday morning. Once the plane landed, his body would be escorted to base and the casket would be set up for the service the following day. Although I could recite the details, I couldn’t absorb them. All I could concentrate on was the very next moment: little things like getting up, showering, brushing my teeth. Basic tasks. That was the description of my life. Monotonous, familiar routines that didn’t require me to think. Thinking only led to more heartache.

Both Liam and Marissa stayed at my place, sometimes taking turns, and sometimes they were both there. It was probably hard for them but it was what I needed. They made sure I got up and got dressed. That I ate. Even more importantly, they got me into the car to show up at the chapel when Nate arrived.