Letters to Matt (13 page)

“Who the fuck are you?”

“No one you need to concern yourself with. But I suggest you just go back to your buddies.”

I spot a group of guys off to the side, laughing and elbowing each other. Apparently, they have been enjoying the show. I then notice Susie walking back behind the bar. She has her eye on the two guys and looks at me, narrowing her eyes as if to ask if I need any help. I give a slight shake of my head. I feel better knowing that the scene has caught Susie’s attention, though. She doesn’t look like it, but the girl can fight. I have seen her lay a guy flat on his back for grabbing her ass.

When I first started here, I wondered why Marty let two girls run the bar without any sort of bouncer or male bartender for protection. After that night, I knew why.

I turn back to the exchange between Glasses and Mr. Obnoxious.

“This doesn’t concern you. The lady and I are having a chat.” Mr. Obnoxious steps toward Glasses. I draw in a breath as Glasses doesn’t back down and, instead, moves the slightest bit so he’s nearly nose to nose with the other guy. I would hate for this to end in a blood bath, but I know Susie is watching and it comforts me.

“Unless it involves whether you want your martini shaken or stirred,” Glasses growls in an even tone, “you should probably just get going.”

I bite back a snort, momentarily forgetting about my fear of a fight. So Glasses has a sense of humor. Mr. Obnoxious narrows his eyes. There’s a few moments of nail-biting silence as they stare each other down. I see Mr. Obnoxious ball up his fist and I mentally prepare myself to grab for the bat if he takes a swing. Finally, thankfully, he steps back. 

“What the fuck ever,” he says. “She’s not worth it. She’s a stuck up prude, anyway. Your girl needs to loosen up and learn how to have fun.”

Neither of us speaks as he sulks back to his friends.

“Thank you,” I say, looking back at Glasses.

“No problem.” He reaches up and rubs the back of his neck. “So, um, I have a confession to make. I’ve been watching you since I got here.” I give a small smile. He knows I know he’s been watching me. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to come over and say something, but I figured it’s kind of unavoidable now.”

“Well, I’m Jaden. It’s nice to meet you.”

He takes my offered hand. “I’m Cole.”

I reel back slightly. “Cole. As in Mandy’s coworker?” I’m torn between being peeved and amused. No doubt, Mandy was on her phone the second I left the house.

“Yeah. That one,” he confirms. “Mandy told me to stop by because you were working tonight. She, uh, said something about this way you wouldn’t be able to make up an excuse and ditch our date.”

This time I laugh. Curse Mandy and her intuition. I think I might need a new best friend who can’t read me like a book. I might get some privacy that way.

“I felt weird about cornering you like this, but was curious. So I stopped by. And then that asshole came up and I couldn’t let him keep harassing you.”

I smile, despite myself. “Well, I appreciate the help.”

He gives a small nod. “I guess now that I’ve successfully made myself out to be some creepy stalker, I’m gonna head out.”

I don’t know what possesses me to stop him, but the words are coming out of my mouth before I can overthink it. “Wait. My shift ends in a few hours. Do you want to hang out here or come back by later? We can hang out and chat for a while or something?” I suddenly feel foolish. “That’s a dumb idea, sorry. You probably have to get up early for work.”

Cole shakes his head. “I’m off tomorrow. I’d love to stick around and hang out when you’re done.”

I feel a blush creep up my cheeks. “Okay. Well, have a seat. It should start dying down here in a little bit. I can have Sandy make us some burgers.”

“Dinner with a beautiful woman? How can I say no to that?”

I grin.

“Excuse me!” I hear from down the bar. I look over to see an impatient looking woman waving money. “Can I get some service over here?”

Cole bows his head, looking sheepish. “Oops, got you in trouble.”

I give him my biggest smile. “I don’t think she’s going to die if she doesn’t get her alcohol in the next ten seconds. But I really do need to get back to the customers.”

“Of course. I’ll just go have a seat. See you in a little while for that burger.”

I walk over to the lady.

“What can I get for you?” I ask sweetly.

“God, service in bars is terrible. Back in my day…” I tune her out as I glance over and catch Cole’s eye. He grins at me, and I bow my head to hide my own smile. The woman is done with her little tirade and I look back at her.

“I’m really sorry about that, ma’am.”

She scoffs. “Yeah, I can tell. I’ll take cranberry juice with vodka.”

I rush over to mix the drink. Susie is at my side in a flash.

“
Cono, chica,
” she says in my ear. “Thought you said you didn’t know that dude.”

“I don’t,” I reply as I mix the drink. “It’s someone my friend is trying to set me up with.”

“Damn,” she replies. “And she sent him here to just ambush you?”

I laugh. “Basically.”

Susie grins. “I like her style.”

I shake my head as I walk back to give the woman her drink and get the money for it. She scowls at me as I hand her the change.

“Have a nice night,” I call to her back as she stalks off.

A little while later, it slows down and I ask Susie if she can handle it while Cole and I sit down and have dinner.

“Absolutely,” she says. “Go eat.”

I stop back by the kitchen. Sandy is sitting on his stool, reading a paperback. The cover suggests it’s some sort of Western. He reads those, war stories, and murder mysteries. Once or twice I have seen him tearing up over a romance novel.

“Hey, Sandy, do you think you can whip up a couple of your famous burgers?”

He sets down the book and his reading glasses on the stool. “Of course, Miss Jaden.”

I walk over to where Cole is sitting. He looks up from his phone and smiles at me.

“You hungry?”

“Just a little,” he answers. His stomach growls and betrays him. A blush reddens his cheeks.

I bite back my laugh and suggest that we go find a table to sit at. He agrees and I lead the way to a small table in the corner after we grab drinks. It’s the closest thing we will get to privacy in the bar.

He sips on his water and I can tell he’s nervous and doesn’t know what to say. I’m feeling the same way, but decide to wing it.

“So, you work at the insurance agency with Mandy?”

He nods his head as he swallows his drink of water. “Yup. I know it’s kind of lame, but I like it.”

“Mandy does, too. She just started there because she needed a job in high school, but she loves it. I think it surprised even her that she liked it so much. She wants to take the test or whatever it is that you have to do to become an agent. Sorry, I don’t know much about insurance except that I pay entirely too much on it every month.”

He laughs. “Yeah, I get that complaint a lot. So, do you like working here? How long have you been here?”

“About six months,” I answer. “It’s a job, but I like it.”

“Are you in school or anything?”

I shake my head. “I have been toying with the idea of going to nursing school, but I don’t know how I could balance that with working and raising Sophie.” I’m surprised that the words left my mouth. I hadn’t admitted that aloud to anyone since I got the idea back in high school. With Matt passing, things have been so crazy that I’ve barely had time to even consider the idea. 

“I think you could do it,” he assures me. “Mandy told me all about Matt. I’m really sorry to hear that.”

I have heard similar things for the past year. I search his eyes for any hint that he’s only saying it out of obligation. I see nothing but sincerity and kindness.

“Thank you. It’s hard, but I’m managing. I’m really sorry to hear about your girlfriend.”

He shrugs. “It sucks, but like you, I’m managing. It just hurts to know that she was able to throw away seven years like that.”

“What happened?” I immediately regret the words. “I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”

“It’s okay,” he says. “She cheated on me. Apparently, she hadn’t been happy for a while. The part that hurts the most is she didn’t feel like she could come to me and just say it. I thought we could talk about anything. I know we’re young, but we were together for a long time. She told me she wasn’t ready to be tied to someone so young.”

I nod my head and take a sip of my own drink. The conversation continues from there until Susie brings us our food. We eat in silence. When we’re about done, Susie walks back over.

“Do you want more water?” she asks Cole.

“Yes, please,” he says. “And can I get the check for my burger?”

Susie shakes her head. “Burgers are free here to heroes who rescue our pretty waitresses from drunk
pendejos
.”

“It’s fine, really,” he insists, reaching in his back pocket for his wallet. “I was just doing what any decent person would.”

She shakes her head forcefully. “It’s on the house.” Before he can argue further, she starts to turn. “I’ll go get that water.”

“You guys really don’t have to do this,” he tells me.

“It’s our pleasure.”

“If you’re sure…” A look of confusion crosses his face. “What’s a
pendejo?”

I laugh. “It’s Spanish. It means like idiot or jerk. Susie’s husband is Cuban, so sometimes she mixes her Spanish with her English. And when she gets mad, it’s all Spanish. She came in one night and was arguing with her husband over the phone. It was scary. I didn’t understand a word of what she was saying, and I didn’t want to.”

Cole laughs. “Well, remind me not to piss her off.”

I smile at him. “Will do. As much as I hate to say it, I need to get back to work. We’re closing in an hour and a half, though. Are you sure you don’t need to get going?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. I’m fine waiting here. Nothing waiting for me at home except Pumpkin.”

I cock my head to the side. “Pumpkin?”

“My cat. After Amber left, I couldn’t stand the apartment being empty. I went to the shelter and picked out the cutest little orange kitten. And since I lack creativity, I named her Pumpkin.”

I smiled. “Okay, well, if you’re sure Pumpkin will be okay without you, I look forward to hanging out with you tonight.”

He smiles at me as I walk back to the bar.

The rest of the night is pretty uneventful. Susie and I keep bartending. Sandy sits in the kitchen, reading or making orders. Cole sits at the bar talking to me when I’m not busy. I take a free moment to grab my phone and send a text.

Cole is cute and really nice. And I’m going to murder you.

My phone goes off a minute later.

I told you so! And you’re welcome. Bring it on!

I laugh out loud.
How’s Sophie doing? Was she good tonight?

A perfect angel. She went down with a bottle a few hours ago.

I glance at the clock. It’s 12:30. Another hour
.
Thanks again. For everything. Love you.

I put my phone in my back pocket and feel it go off again. I don’t read it, because I know it’s just Mandy telling me she loves me. The next hour is spent cleaning the bar and putting everything back in place. There are only a few people left in the bar. To my dismay, Mr. Obnoxious and his crew are still here. They’re playing pool, and their drunken laughter fills the bar. I roll my eyes as one of them falls against the rack of sticks.

“Hey!” Susie calls. “You break it, you buy it!”

They ignore her, and she shakes her head before grabbing a beer for another customer.

“That’ll be two dollars, hon.” The girl hands her three dollars and tells her to keep the change.

Susie smiles and thanks her. She walks around and starts emptying ashtrays from the tables. Cole stands up and starts grabbing empty beer bottles and cups from the tables.

“You don’t have to do that,” I call to him from behind the bar.

“I don’t mind,” he says back. “I get it from my mom. She can’t go anywhere without helping clean up. Whenever we go out to eat, she always stacks up the plates and trash for the servers.”

I smile to myself. This guy is truly amazing. I give him my warmest smile when he sets the trash on the bar.

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

The rest of the night passes quickly with us cleaning. Mr. Obnoxious and his group leaves, and I call to them. “Have a good night. Come back again.” When they are out the door, I add, “Or don’t. Please don’t,” quietly.

Susie hears me and laughs. One thirty comes and I look at Cole.

“I really hate to be rude—“

“But you need me to wait outside while you close up?” he finishes for me. “I kind of figured you would.” He stands from the bar.

“Sorry, bar policy.”

“No biggie. I understand.”

“I’ll be out in a few minutes,” I tell him.

Sandy, Susie, and I rush to finish with the last minute things that we can only do once the doors are closed. Finally, the three of us are heading toward the door. Susie has her keys out. Even though there’s two of us, Sandy still stands with us.

We all say goodbye to each other.

“Have fun!” Susie yells to me with a shake of her hips.

I laugh and shake my head. Cole is standing outside of his car. I don’t know anything about cars, but I know this one is nice. It’s some newer
Ford
model. It’s a gray color and looks like Cole works to keep it looking nice. I can’t keep the smile off my face as I walk toward him, remembering our encounters from earlier in the evening. Cole makes me feel special in a way that only someone of the opposite sex can. He seems genuinely interested, and it warms my heart. I might just enjoy getting to know him, even if I have to fight my hardest to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of my mind.  He grins back at me.

“So, did you have anything in mind for what you want to do?”

I shrug. “Well, it’s almost two in the morning so our options are kind of limited.”

He thought for a moment. “We could go back to my place and watch a movie.”

I nod my head.

“Do you want to ride with me or follow so you’ll have your car?”

“I’ll follow you.”

“Okay. See you at the house.”

I smile to myself as I head to my car when I see that Sandy is still sitting in his car, watching us. The three of us pull out of the parking lot. It turns out that Cole only lives about five minutes from the bar. I pull into his driveway and park beside his car. He has a really nice house. It’s small but quaint. I get out of my car and meet him at his.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” he says with a smile. “Shall we?” He offers me his elbow and I link my arm through his.

I stand beside him as he unlocks the door, and then we step inside to a spotless kitchen.

“It’s so clean,” I tell him. “My kitchen looks like a tornado hit it.”

He laughs. “Since Amber left, I have a lot more time on my hands to clean.” He tries to make it a joke, but I can hear the hurt in his voice. He notices my own frown and smiles at me. “You’re really pretty, Jaden.”

I know he only means it to ease the tension in the room, but it lights a fire in my belly that I haven’t felt in a while. I lean up and kiss him. He kisses me back tentatively at first, but soon he’s gripping my hips and pushing me against the wall while his lips fight mine for dominance. . He grabs my hand and leads me back to his room.

It all happens so quickly. Our clothes fall off and we stumble onto the bed. We’re driven by two a.m. delirium and a need I don’t think either of us anticipated. He slips on a condom and looks into my eyes as he enters me. There’s a dull pain since it’s been so long, but soon it’s replaced by pleasure and I’m urging him to go faster.

We find a quick release and I cry out. It’s on the tip of my tongue to cry out for Matt, but I know it’s not Matt. Even in the rush and fog of pleasure, I know it’s not Matt inside of me. Cole rolls off me, and I lay there with a satisfied smile on my face.

Then the guilt hits. I sit up. I feel rude, but I have the sudden urge to leave as quickly as possible. I don’t want to stew in my own self-hatred with Cole next to me.

“I, um…I should get going. Mandy is at home with the baby.” As if on cue, my phone vibrates in the pocket of my jeans on the floor. I fish it out and frown at the screen.

Cole told me you two were hanging out. Please don’t worry about rushing home. Sophie and I are fine.
Damn, she’s good.

Cole notices my frown and asks if everything is okay. I show him the message. He laughs.

“Well, that’s a little scary.”

I laugh, despite myself. “Yeah, Mandy has like a sixth sense when it comes to me.”

Cole snakes his hand around my waist. “You don’t really have to go, do you?” he asks. “Please sleep here for just a little bit. I miss sleeping next to someone.” He sounds so sincere that I don’t think I can deny him.

“Okay, a few hours won’t hurt anything,” I admit, pushing my guilt away.

He looks at me and rubs the back of his neck. “Do you mind trading me spots? I have this thing about sleeping next to the wall.”

I laugh and scoot over.

“Sorry,” he says. “I know it’s weird.”

I shake my head. “No problem.”

I’m still sitting up with the sheets pulled up to my chest. Now that I’m not preoccupied, I can take a look around the room. It’s pretty empty. He has a TV on top of his dresser with a DVD player next to it and he has a small, round table next to his bed, and that’s about it. I see a closet door that’s slightly ajar.

The room is dark with only light from the moon spilling into the room. I let out a yawn. I’m more tired than I realized. I lay down and cuddle up next to Cole. Before drifting off to sleep, I let myself admit that it’s nice to be in someone’s arms again, to feel the heat of someone else’s body warming me.

I stay more than a few hours.

I wake up to the sun shining into the room. In the light of the day, I realize what I did last night. I panic as I see Cole lying next to me, sound asleep.

Suddenly, tears are running down my face. I feel terrible. I feel like I betrayed Matt. I feel like a slut. I don’t sleep with guys I just met at the bar, even if it was basically a blind date.

Cole was the first person to sleep with me after Matt and I don’t even know his last name. And, I know it’s silly, I know that there’s no way that Matt can magically come back to life, but sleeping with Cole truly means that I can never make love to Matt again.

Sobs wrack my body as I curl up, facing the wall. I don’t realize that I’ve woken Cole up until I hear him ask what’s wrong and hug me from behind. I recoil away from him.

“Jaden?” he asks. “Are you okay?”

“I just…sorry, I didn’t mean to pull away. It’s not you. It’s just…we’re both naked…and…” I don’t even know how to process what I’m feeling, let alone put it into words.

Cole seems to understand, though. I hear him rustling around in the bed and within a few moments, he holds my panties and his shirt out to me. I slip into the clothing, trying to stay covered, as he puts on his boxers. We are both more decent, but I still feel terrible with tears streaming down my face.

“Did I do something wrong?”

I shake my head. “It’s not you. It’s just…” I don’t know how else to say it, so I just let the words come. “I miss Matt and this…I don’t know how I feel about what I—what we—did last night.”

“I get it,” he says. “You’re the first person I’ve slept with after Amber. It’s…odd, not in a bad way, but just…”

I nod my head. I know what he means. Knowing that he gets it, that in some small way he understands, makes me cry even harder. 

“Shhh, c’mere.” He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around me.

“Are we terrible people?” I ask.

I feel Cole shake his head. “We didn’t do anything wrong, Jaden. It’s just…complicated.”

I snort. “Complicated is one hell of a word. I feel like I cheated on my fiancé that’s been dead for a year.” I didn’t mean to say the words. But now they are out there. To my surprise, Cole just hugs me harder.

“It’s okay to feel upset and torn, but just know that even if it was a little sudden, I wouldn’t take it back.” I nod my head. “And this wasn’t my intention. I didn’t plan to lure you back here for sex.”

I nod again. “I know. Besides, I’m the one who started it.”

Cole doesn’t respond, and we lay there for a couple of minutes. My growling stomach breaks through the silence.

“Sorry. Guess I’m a little hungry.”

“Let me take you to breakfast,” he suggests. I feel torn. I like Cole and want to spend time with him, but I’m also pretty ashamed of what I did. I feel like the sooner I get away from him, the sooner I can pretend none of this happened. He must sense my hesitation. “It’s not a date,” he tells me. “You can even call Mandy to see if she wants to bring Sophie. We can swing by on the way there.”

I nod and grab my phone. It’s not until I see the clock reading 7:05 that I realize I had no clue what time it was. I dial Mandy’s number. Guilt hits me again as I realize that I stayed out all night, leaving Mandy to take care of my kid.

It takes a few rings before she answers. “Hang on, Jaden,” she requests. “Fucking die, you bastard! Ugh. Asshole.” I wait patiently, stifling my laugh as she grunts and swears. Matt had an
Xbox
. We kept it out when we went through his stuff. I knew I wouldn’t play it much, but I figured it would be nice to have around for my friends. “Finally!” she says triumphantly. “Sorry, that dude was a pain in the ass. Sophie got up a little bit ago and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I decided to play some War. Anyway, good morning!”