Letters to Matt (14 page)

“First off,” I began, “you’re amazing. And I suck. I’m so sorry. We fell asleep at Cole’s.”

She laughs. “It’s no biggie, Jaden. You deserve some time away every now and then. So, how was it? What did you guys do? He’s pretty cool, huh?”

I laugh at her rambling. “He’s a good guy.” I purposely avoid the first two questions. That’s a conversation for when we are face to face and Cole isn’t sitting right next to me in his boxers. “He’s actually taking me to breakfast. If you want, we can swing by and pick up you and Sophie.”

“You two go ahead,” Mandy insists. “I just put her back down with a bottle about an hour ago. I don’t think she’ll be getting up for another couple of hours.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” she says. “I’ll see you when you get home.”

“Okay. I’ll come right after we get done with breakfast. You work at noon, right?”

“Yup. So no hurries.”

“Okay. Thanks again. Love you, Mandy.”

“Love ya. Bye.” I start to pull the phone away, but not before hearing, “Bring it, you fuckers,” before the line goes dead. I let out a laugh before turning to Cole.

“Well, I guess it’s just going to be the two of us.”

He smiles at me. “That’s fine, too! The bathroom is right outside the door if you want to go freshen up.”

Cole climbs out of bed so I can get out after him. I smile as I take in his body. He’s not built like Matt was, but he has a wiry frame. He pushes his glasses back onto his face. He really is cute. I climb out of bed and start gathering my clothes from the night before.

“There might be an extra toothbrush in the right-hand drawer. I bought a two pack.”

“I have a toothbrush in my purse. I had horrible sickness all through my pregnancy and after that it just became habit to keep a toothbrush and toothpaste with me.” I grab my bag off the floor and head to the bathroom.

After I’m done, Cole uses the bathroom. I look around the rest of the house while I wait. It’s a single story and ridiculously neat. The living room has a flat screen TV and a dark blue sofa. There’s a glass coffee table with some magazines and remotes on it. I notice a couple of cat toys scattered around the floor, but that’s the extent of anything out of place. I can’t help but notice the differences between Cole and Matt. Matt was a bit of a slob at times.

As I’m lost in my thoughts, I hear a meow. I look down to see a cute orange cat at my feet. I squat down to pet her.

“You must be Pumpkin.” She lets me pet her as I hear the bathroom door open.

“Let me just feed her and we’ll head out,” Cole says.

I watch him as he gets the cat some food and water. He leans down to pet her before turning to me.

“Ready?”

I nod my head. “Yup.”

“Do you want to follow me? I know a diner that has the best breakfast around.”

“I can just ride with you, if that’s okay.”

“That’s perfect,” he says. He grabs his keys and we walk out the door together.

The ride to the diner is quiet. I have this nagging feeling that I should say something, but nothing comes to mind. Cole seems to be lost in thought as well, so I just figure it’s best to keep my mouth shut. When we pull in, it’s packed. I guess a lot of people had the same idea. Cole and I climb out of the car. We walk up to the door and he puts his hand on the middle of my back as we walk in. It was something Matt used to do. It makes me realize just how much I missed being a part of a couple.

A girl a few years older than me greets us.

“Seating for two?”

Cole nods his head. “Yes, please.”

She smiles at us and leads us to a small table in the corner. She sets down the menu and tells us our server will be with us shortly.

I flip open the menu and my stomach grumbles again. I blush a little, but Cole just chuckles.

“So, what do you want me to order?”

Cole looks at me with raised eyebrows. “I’m sorry?”

“Well, I can pretend to be on a diet to appear ladylike and dainty and order the oatmeal with the fruit cup. Or I can look like a total pig and get the Breakfast Platter that looks amazing.” I realize how ridiculous that sounded and redden even more. “Sorry. That sounded a little less silly in my head. I’ve never really done this dating thing.”

Cole laughs. “Don’t starve yourself on my account. Get the Breakfast Platter. Hell, get two if you really want.”

I smile at his response. “Well, I think I’ll just stick with one. Two might put me in a permanent food coma.”

“I think I’ll get the same thing.”

Just then, a guy in his mid-thirties walks up. “Hello, I’m Steven and I’ll be your server this morning. Can I start you off with drinks?”

“I’ll take a coffee,” I say through a yawn. I was never the type to drink coffee, but after Sophie was born, it had become my personal savior.

“I’ll have an orange juice,” Cole says. “And I think we’re ready to order. We’ll both take the breakfast platter. I’ll have it with bacon and my eggs scrambled.”

Steven looks to me. “And for you?”

“Bacon sounds good. And eggs over easy, please.”

Steven nods as he writes everything down. “I’ll go ahead and take those menus. Your food will be out in just a bit, and I’ll be right over with your drinks.”

Cole and I thank him as he walks off.

“So, tell me about yourself. I know you have a daughter and work at the bar, but that’s all I really know.”

I shrug. “That’s really all there is to know,” I tell him. “My life is basically taking care of Sophie and working.”

“That can’t be true. Tell me your favorite color, your favorite food, any random information you can think of.”

I laugh. All the guys I had talked to in the past year had only been interested in getting in my pants. It’s nice to have someone who genuinely cares about me again. “My favorite color is orange. And I’d have to say my favorite food is ice cream, though it took me until just recently to start eating it again.”

“Why’s that?” Cole asks, looking into my eyes.

The words sound silly before I even say them. “Ice cream is the reason Matt’s not here anymore. When I was pregnant, I had the biggest craving for chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. We were on our way to get some when we were in the accident. For the longest time, just the thought of ice cream made me sick to my stomach. I’m slowly getting over that.”

Cole nods. To my surprise, he doesn’t look at me like I’m crazy. He looks sympathetic.

“How long were you two together, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I don’t,” I tell him. “We were together for four years. We got together almost immediately after he moved here in the 9
th
grade. We were inseparable. He was The One. I have no doubts that we would have lived a long, happy life if he hadn’t passed away.”

“I know what you mean. How do you move on from that, though? How do you convince yourself to try again?” I know he’s asking for himself as much as he’s asking for me.

“I don’t know, but it seems like we’re both doing it.”

He nods thoughtfully as Steven walks up with our drinks.

“Do you need cream or sugar?” he asks me.

I shake my head. “No, thank you.”

“Okay, well, your food is being made, so it won’t be much longer.”

“Thank you.”

Steven walks off. I blow on my coffee before taking a sip.

Cole blanches. “I don’t know how you drink straight coffee. I can barely even drink it with tons of creamer, because I can still taste the coffee.”

I shrug. “I used to be the same way, but I learned to love it after Sophie was born and I was barely getting any sleep.”

“Amber and I talked about having kids, but the time never seemed right. Now I’m glad we never had any. I couldn’t imagine having a child here to witness all of this. It was a pretty ugly break up. Now we don’t even speak to each other.”

“That really sucks,” I tell him. “I can’t imagine such a long relationship breaking up like that.”

He shrugs. “I was a mess in the beginning, but I’m slowly moving on. Some things just aren’t meant to be.”

The rest of breakfast goes smoothly as we move on from the subject of Matt and Amber. We talk about each other’s likes and dislikes. We drive back to the house and Cole gives me a sweet kiss on the lips before I climb into my car. My head fills with the night before and the morning we had. A small smile plants on my lips as I drive home to my daughter and best friend.

Mandy bombards me with questions as soon as I walk in the door. I barely have time to set down my purse before she hounds me.

“Well, what did you guys do? Did you have fun?”

“We went to his place last night…and, uh…we kind of fell into bed together.” I know Mandy won’t judge me, but I still feel apprehensive about the whole thing.

“You slept with him?” Judging by her tone, she knows how huge this is. I nod my head. “Well, how was it? How do you feel?”

I let out a sigh. “Well, I woke up crying, but I feel a lot better now.” She frowns at me, sadness filling her eyes. “I just…I felt like some sort of tramp. I felt like I had betrayed Matt somehow. Sleeping with Cole made it all so…final. Cole was amazing, though. He said he was having similar thoughts in regards to Amber. He let me cry and he just held me. I’m still kind of torn, but if I had to do it again, I would definitely make sure that Cole was my second first.”

Mandy grins. “I knew I made the right choice in setting you two up!” she gloats. “Are you guys going to keep dating?”

I shrug. “I don’t know about him, but personally, I think it would be best to start out as friends and kind of see how it goes from there.”

She nods in understanding. I stand from the couch.

“Now, where is that beautiful baby of mine? I missed her.”

Mandy laughs as I take off down the hall. Sophie is still sleeping, but I lean down and scoop her up in my arms. She doesn’t open her eyes, but a small grin forms on her lips as she snuggles closer to me. It warms my heart and I feel my own smile grow.  It’s a slow going process, but I’m feeling myself more attached with Sophie with each passing day. I embrace all the little things she does that remind me of Matt. I know I’m lucky to have a little piece of him. Most days, it makes me happy instead of saddening me.

I tell Sophie good morning and walk with her out of the room. When I walk back into the living room, Mandy is putting her shoes on.

“I’m going to head out. I need to go home and get ready for work.”

“Thanks again for staying last night,” I tell her, stepping closer to give her a hug.

“It was no problem. Sophie and I had fun.” She presses a kiss to Sophie’s forehead. “Love you two,” she calls before walking out the door.

I lay Sophie on the floor to change her dirty diaper. Today is one of the rare days that we will have the apartment to ourselves. Everyone is busy, so no one will be stopping by. My hands are itching to write Matt a letter, but I want to spend some time with my baby girl before I start that.

We spend the rest of the morning playing with blocks on the floor. Sophie gets excited at a new game that involves me building up the blocks and her knocking them down. We do it about ten times before she starts to get fussy. Deciding it’s her nap time, I give her a bottle and lay her down. She’ll be down for a few hours and then probably wake up wanting lunch.

It’s only about ten. Sophie has been sleeping a lot lately. I think she’s getting more teeth in and it’s physically draining her. I don’t mind the quiet, though. I flip on some
Lifetime
movie and grab my notebook and pen. I have half a cup of coffee that I have been sipping on. I set that on the table beside the baby monitor and start writing.

I start off by telling Matt about Cole and how he came to my rescue at the bar. I accounted the rest of the night all the way to the sweet kiss we shared at my car. I feel a little skanky telling Matt about all of this, but I know he would want to know. Matt was always interested in every aspect of my life. I like to think that if he was here now, watching over me, he wouldn’t judge my choices.

I go on to tell him how things are getting better with Sophie. I tell him that I can’t be happier to have our little miracle. I tell him that I’m slowly starting to feel like a mother to her and not a caretaker. It doesn’t seem like it would be a long letter, but the accounts of the night before took longer to write than I realized it would.

I’m finishing up the letter when I hear my phone buzz beside me. I write the last couple of lines, finishing with how much I love and miss Matt. I let out a sigh of relief and let the feeling wash over me before folding the letter and glancing at my phone. I have a text from Cole. I smile as I open the message.

Hope the rest of your morning is going well
, it reads.
Thanks for an amazing night last night.

My grin grows as I type out my own thank you. His next text comes quickly.

What are you doing Saturday? I’d love to take you out to go do something.

My face drops slightly.
Oh, Connie, Matt’s mom, is taking me out to lunch. Doug is keeping the girls and Sophie since Connie and I don’t get to spend much time alone. What about Sunday?

I get up and wash out my coffee cup while I wait for his reply. Finally, my phone vibrates in my pocket.

Can’t Sunday. I’m going to my mom’s house, and she’ll want me to be there all day.

We’ll find some time together. No worries.
I can already tell this is going to be hectic trying to work around our schedules. I’m realizing how different dating as an adult is from dating in high school. Matt and I saw each other every day at school, and he had most of his weekend nights free, as did I. We never had a problem getting together.

Sure thing
,
he types back.
Well, I’m meeting up with some friends. I’ll text you later.

I watch a sappy romance movie while I wait for Sophie to wake up from her nap. She gets up and I feed her lunch. She plays in her bouncer while I decide to clean the kitchen, struck by inspiration at how spotless Cole’s house was. Then, Sophie and I cuddle on the couch.

As I lay her down for bed, I realize what a nice day it was. I used to dread those days when I would be stuck in the apartment alone with only my daughter as company. Today, I cherished it, though. I give her an extra tight hug and kiss her on the forehead. I tell her I love her as I lay her back in bed.

I go back to the couch and have a text from Cole. We talk about how our day went and text until my eyes start getting heavy and I tell him I’m going to bed.

The rest of the week has passed, and it’s been pretty uneventful. Work has been fun and the days have been filled with spending time with Sophie or Mandy when she comes over. I text Mom every single day. Mitch even stopped by on Thursday for a few hours before I left for work. He spent most of his time gushing about Sydney. He thinks she might be The One. I have never seen Mitch in love and I have to admit, it looks good on him. He hasn’t smiled this much since Matt passed. I love Mitch like a brother, and I’m so glad to see him happy.

Sophie and I are in the car headed to Connie and Doug’s. Sophie is babbling in her car seat as I sing along to the radio. The weather is beautiful outside. I’m excited to spend time with Connie. I have always loved her as a second mother and a friend.

Connie has her front door open because of the nice weather, and I can see the girls watching for us at the screen door. They jump up and down when they spot my car. A smile forms on my face. I climb out of the car and start getting Sophie from her carrier. As I’m walking to the house, I’m reminded of the first time I walked to that door.

I was sitting in Spanish class, waiting for Matt to come in. We had been boyfriend and girlfriend for almost a month at that time. We spent most of our time together at school since neither of us had transportation to see each other outside of school. He walked in and took his seat next to mine.

“Hey,” I greeted him.

“Hi,” he replied shortly.

I glanced over at him, wondering if I had somehow upset him. I thought back to the day before. Everything had been perfect. We hadn’t had any sort of fight. Matt was always happy to see me. I didn’t understand his indifference.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

He let out a sigh. “Yes. It’s just…” He paused, trying to gather his words. “Okay, I know this is lame and you can totally say no if you want to, but Mom wants to have you over for dinner tonight. She said she wants to meet you because I talk about you all the time.”

My heart swelled with happiness. His family wanted to meet me. I mean, of course my family had been hinting around about bringing him by, but I didn’t know how he felt about that so I kept making excuses.

“You can totally say no if you want to. I just promised her I would at least ask.”

“I would love to!” I told him, failing to fight the excitement from my voice. “I mean, that is, if you want me to.”

He smiled, visibly relaxing. “Of course I want you to. I just didn’t know if you would want to. Everyone always acts like it’s some big deal to meet the parents.”

“Well, I can’t wait,” I told him, meaning it.

He smiled at me and we spent the next hour smiling at each other.

I hopped off the bus and ran inside. Mom was off that day so I knew she would be home. I was suddenly nervous about asking her.

I found her in the kitchen making chili.

I set down my book bag and turned to her.

“Hey, sweetie. Dad and I are going out tonight. I’m making chili for you and Mel to have for dinner tonight.”

I wrung my hands in front of my stomach.

“Actually, um, Matt invited me over to have dinner with him and his family tonight. They want to meet me.”

“Oh,” she said, abandoning the stove. “So, I guess it’s getting pretty serious between you two.”

I shrugged. “Well, I mean, I guess. I like him a lot. So, can I go?”

“Your dad and I are leaving here in an hour. We won’t be home to drop you off.”

My face dropped. “Can’t Mel drop me off?”

Mom smiled. “That might work. She was saying something about going out tonight. I’ll tell her she has to drop you off on the way.”

I felt like my face might crack from grinning. I ran up and hugged my mom. “You’re the best. Thank you!”

“Make sure you take your cell phone. Call me if you need anything.”

“I will.” I turned from the room. “I gotta go get ready.” I stopped off in Melanie’s room. “Mom says you have to drop me off at Matt’s house when you leave. I’m having dinner at his parents’ house tonight.”

“That’s fine,” Mel replied. “But I’m leaving in two hours so you better be ready.”