Letters To My Little Brother: Misadventures In Growing Older (5 page)

My point is that you shouldn’t be a worrywart like me. Try not to overanalyze your friendships. Instead, remain in the present. Enjoy your friends while you have their company. You’re an incredibly kind and sensitive kid, both of which are good things, so you should have nothing to be nervous about. (Unlike me and my big mouth and my snobbish taste in toilet paper.)

Peace, love, and all that jazz,

-Big Boy

CHAPTER Five:

How I approach alcohol & drugs

Dear Squirrel,

I bought my first alcoholic beverage last July. No — don't worry! — it wasn't for me. I am 24-years sober and I'm planning on making it at least another 24 more. Nonetheless, you probably don't understand the massive implications of this purchase since you are a) 18, b) as naive and sheltered as I was/am, and c) not a drinker either. So let me explain.

My then-girlfriend came to visit me and I felt like it was my duty to provide her as much comfort as possible after her 3000-mile expedition. A wise and sagacious man, my father, suggested that I buy her a bottle of white wine to calm her nerves after she lands. After a brief battle with my personal morality, I showed up at my local supermarket in search of "white wine." I literally wandered the wine aisle for a solid 10 minutes before calling him in a state of severe confusion.

"Where on Earth," I asked, "is the white wine? All I see are bottles of 'chardonnay' and 'sauvignon blanc.'"

Needless to say, he laughed at me. Apparently, Squirrel, there are different types of white wine (I'm trying to think of a valid orange soda analogy, but I can't off the top of my head) and there is no label advertising straight-up "white wine." Even when he clarified that chardonnay was a safe bet, I didn't know which bottle to buy. They all seemed so arbitrary. I didn't know which year or which location was best. I didn't know which was the Fanta, the Sunkist, and the store-brand, urine-flavored stuff. He directed me to stay in the $15 range, or at least buy one with a cork. It was then that I noticed that some wine comes with a screw-on/-off top, which seems like it's specifically geared towards my grandfather, cheap alcoholics, and college students. Either way, I purchased a bottle of $15 chardonnay with a French name (putting that linguistics major to use!). I was awkward at the checkout, but the cashier barely glanced at my ID.

My girlfriend felt awkward, she said, drinking in front of me. She broke up with me a week later for unrelated reasons.

I'm wondering how my readers reacted to the above paragraphs. Are they laughing at my naïveté? Are they still as shocked as my BFF that I actually had a one-month girlfriend? Is it worse knowing that I’m not in high school and yet I still had a one-month girlfriend? Or are my readers wondering why I had a moral argument with myself over buying a bottle of alcohol?

I do not drink. I have had alcohol, but I have never been drunk. The most alcohol that I've ever had at once is a half-shot of pear vodka (not pear-flavored, but rather vodka made from pear). It tasted like Mecha-Godzilla's piss. Except when I am extremely depressed, I have no interest in drinking. 

I haven’t used drugs. (Obviously.) A few people have offered me drugs, and a few have even offered to do them with me, but I’ve never partaken. I’m sort of like the Snow White from a parallel dimension who never took the bite from the witch’s apple and therefore kept on living a bizarre, semi-perverted life with a bunch of short, hairy dudes. Either that or I’m Rufio from
Hook
but minus the cool hair, the cool leather outfits, the sword skills, the gruffness, the leadership, and the skateboarding. Basically that just means I’m the tallest kid around and I love imaginary food fights. And I’ve never done drugs because I’m a lost boy that’s never grown up.

If I go on a first date with a beautiful lady, how do I respond when the waiter hands us a wine list? Do I tell her I'm not drinking that night (it’s my usual excuse since I am not drinking on any night)? Do I admit the truth and say I don't drink? Do I let her order a glass before telling her, or do I wait? If I tell her, will that ruin the date? Will that make her feel uncomfortable, especially given the already-heightened anxiety of any first-date situation? Will it make her modify her behavior in front of me? And, if it does, then doesn't that mean that I am not seeing her in her natural, honest state?

Can I ever date or marry a woman who drinks? One of my old crushes apparently thought we couldn’t be together because of such “social differences.” Was she right? She’s been right about everything else she told me, so…

Why is it that people always want to do drugs with you once they know you’ve never done drugs? If you told someone that you’ve never played tennis, you can be damn sure they wouldn’t want to be the one standing on the other side of the net while you whiff on the little green ball. If you told someone that you’ve never had sex, they wouldn’t jump on the opportunity to introduce you into the club (at least that’s what most of my exes told me…). But drugs seem to be a whole different kind of game. People really act like they’re walking you to the Promised Land. The thing is that I can’t help but imagining them as Emperor Palpatine saying, “Yeeeeees, yeeeeees. Come to the Dark Side, my young apprentice.”

Here’s how those conversations usually go:

Me:
…and that’s how I got 6
th
place in the middle school GeoBee!

Dude:
You’ve never smoked, have you?

Me:
Cigarettes or pot?

Dude:
Either.

Me:
No.

Dude:
You wanna get high?

Me:
Not really. You wanna play Mario Party? My N64 controllers still work.

Dude:
No. But I might after I smoke. That ground-pound game is dope.

Me:
Ha! Dope! I see what you did there.

Dude:
…God you’re boring.

Or:

Dude:
…and that’s how I dropped acid and got totally wasted on my trip to Bolivia/Australia/Kansas/Jupiter. So rad, dude.

Me:
That sounds hilarious.

Dude:
I’m really glad I finally tried it. Totally changed my life. You should do it with me next time!

Me:
Yeah…I’m not really sure about that.

Dude:
It’s no wonder why the government bans acid. It breaks down all those mental barriers we have. It necessarily destroys the structure of the capitalist system.

Me:
It’s been a while since 10
th
grade European history, but I’m pretty sure the Bolsheviks weren’t tripping on acid.

Dude:
That’s what The System wants you to believe.

Me:
Yeeeeah. I think I’m gonna go grab some chicken tenders and a milkshake before I go back to finishing this episode of House of Mouse. Does acid give you the munchies? I could pick something up for you if you want.

(By the way, I’ve actually had those conversations before, minus the parts about Mario Party and
House of Mouse
. People have genuinely told me about the relationships between acid and Marxism, and mushrooms and Narnia. Not. Even. Kidding.)

I struggle to be around alcohol in any form. I intentionally avoid bars and parties because I become physically nauseous at its sight, smell, and stickiness. I get headaches watching people consume it. I feel that it is a highly-abused substance which most people drastically underestimate. I think that many people — as Jamie Foxx would say — blame their a-a-a-a-actions on it as if inebriation is legitimate excuse for foolish, dangerous, or otherwise unsuitable behavior. (It isn't, btw.) To quote Elizabeth Swan, alcohol is "a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels." I think that it can be safely and wisely consumed in meager amounts but, more often than not, it isn't.

Alcoholism is a genetic disease (as in some people have a genetic pre-disposition to alcoholism). In my own experiences, almost all of the people I know with directly-related alcoholic relatives drink. After I ask how/why they drink with such a prominent image of alcoholism in their lives, most of them respond by saying, “I am not my [mother/father/relative].”

I've often wondered what will happen if I ever get married. Will I serve alcohol at my wedding? Apparently weddings without open bars are really boring, but how can I possibly justify serving my greatest enemy to my greatest friends? Should I think of them, allow them to make their own choices, and serve alcohol so they can enjoy themselves? Or do I put my foot down, say that it's my wedding, and force everyone to make me feel comfortable on my big day?

I will do my damndest to never ask you to abstain. I used to be very militant against alcohol. I probably would’ve volunteered to help re-implement the Volstead Act. (I would probably still vote to re-implement it today, just FYI.) I used to judge people and their actions by their consumption of alcohol. Painfully, I have realized the error of these ways.

It’s not like I haven’t thought about using/drinking. Sometimes I like to imagine what I’d be like if I were someone who did drugs. I’m not saying that people automatically become different once they’ve tried drugs, but I just define myself so strongly by my abstinence from drugs that I feel I’d be very different if I were willing to try them. Would I wear fewer
Star Wars
t-shirts or more? Would I finally gain weight with the help of the munchies? Would I zone out more or less than I currently do at large social gatherings? Would I be funnier? Less self-deprecating?

I honestly just don’t get the appeal. I understand the need to feel a loss of control sometimes, but I usually scratch that itch by impulsively booty-calling one of my exes or skipping meals and re-watching all of
Beaver Falls
. Like, why would someone who hates being touched (me) want to try a drug that makes them want to touch a lot of things (ecstasy)? My lungs are already sad and weak enough as it is, so why would I want to inhale smoke and debilitate them further? I won’t even try to make a joke about myself and cocaine…Just kidding. (I’d never miss the opportunity to laugh at myself.) I seriously doubt that those powder crystals could make it all the way up my beaky schnoz.

People often ask(ed) me why I don’t drink. That’s understandable. I won’t go into my reasons here, but I can tell you they do not involve religion (but I often feel like I relate well with Mormons and Muslims and others who don’t drink) or the law (I didn’t abstain before turning I turned 21 in order to support the drinking age).

There are three ways people can react to folks like me (these are not exactly clear-cut lines, but I feel like they encompass most of the reactions I've ever seen):

1) The Arguers

These are the people who downright disagree with you. They often try to use logic in order to circumvent your choices. They’ll ask if you smoke or do drugs or have sex and then try to use analogy to point out your arbitrary moral borders. They continually offer you drinks and tell you to stop being so uptight. They often laugh as they sell you their (alcoholic) snake oil.

2) The Polite Nags

As aggravating as The Arguers can be, the Polite Nags might be even worse because they don’t believe they are doing anything rude/impolite/confrontational. They often use passive-aggressive techniques or quiet questions to get you to imbibe. It’s almost as if they are curious little cats, itching to push you a little bit. They often ask, “Just try a little bit. Don't you want to try it? Don't you want to know what it tastes like?” They also use hints and sideways remarks to sway you. A girl at a party once asked me if I wanted a drink and, once I said no, sardonically asked if I wanted, “Water? Juice? Milk?” as if I was a child unfit for adult beverages.

3) The Few and Far Between

These are the rarest of rare. While I believe that many people in my life changed from Arguers or Polite Naggers into The Few and Far Between, it is exceedingly difficult to find someone who genuinely accepts you right off the bat. (I think that last statement applies to more than just drinking, btw.) These are the people who like you for your friendship, your humor, your thoughts, and your values. Yes, your values. They appreciate your values and like you even more because you have them.

Whenever I need good reminders for why I don’t drink, I think about how I’ve saved so much money by never purchasing alcohol. My tee-totaling has paid for a lot of extra guac at Chipotle.

I can’t even imagine the expense of it. I’m barely affording the rent in my parents’ house [btw I’m not paying any], so how the hell could I scrounge up enough change to buy a baggie of weed or a bottle of Firefly? I can’t even afford a proper piggy bank for all my coins! I have to store them in a shoebox from 2006. Do you think drug dealers would take $20 or $40 in nickels?

And then there’d be so many terms for me to learn! All the words I know come from 5
th
grade D.A.R.E. class. Do people still call pot ‘Mary Jane’? What does PCP stand for? Is there a drug called ‘Scruff McGruff’ simply because it’s ironic? If I tried it, would I want to take a bite out of crime or a bite out of some cookies? And, on a tangent, why do people in movies dip their fingers in drugs and then taste them? Is that actually a thing? I imagine they’d taste something like flour mixed with Mountain Dew.