“There you are! I’ll make you a double. You’ll need it if we’re shopping for your ESPN dress today.” I groaned at the glint of excitement in her eyes. I hadn’t even thought about it, but the reality of not going, not being with Will for the night only sent a fresh wave of pain through me.
“Have a few too many drinks last night, did we?” Julia bounced over with my much needed caffeine hit.
I sipped slowly, relishing the almost immediate energy jolt my body felt as the first drops made their way into my system.
“Julia?”
“Hmmm?”
“I need to ask you something.” Among the horrors of last night that had been on replay in my head, one thought kept popping up.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Sarah and Will?”
Julia turned, a frown marring her forehead. “What do you mean?”
I sighed. “You know what I mean. I…I know you two are best friends but I just thought with everything going on, well, couldn’t you have at least warned me?”
I looked up, meeting Julia’s confused eyes. “Are you still drunk? I’m really not following this conversation.”
“Sarah and Will? Hooking up?” I knew I hadn’t been here for long, that Sarah and Julia’s bond went way beyond the friendship she and I had formed. But still, didn’t I deserve at least a heads-up?
Julia leaned over the counter, coffee in hand. “I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”
I stared at her a beat before the whole story came tumbling from my mouth.
“That mother fucker,” she whispered.
“So you seriously didn’t know? Sarah didn’t tell you?”
Julia shook her head slowly. “Nope. Nothing. I mean, she always had a thing for him but it was never anything serious. And besides, who doesn’t?” She cocked her head toward me.
“Huh. I just thought you guys shared everything.” I took another sip of my coffee, disheartened that Julia couldn’t fill in any of the morbid details I was strangely desperate for.
“So did I.” She shook her head, seeming to snap out of her trance. “God, Em, I’m so sorry. Last night must have been awful.”
I shrugged, unsure of how to sum up the horrors of the evening. “Yeah, it wasn’t great, but at least things didn’t go any further.” I shuddered, imagining how much worse this all could have been.
I thought of Sarah, how she must have felt waking up the morning after being with Will and finding out that she was nothing but another conquest to him. My heart ached for her, but it ached for me more. I hated that I’d thought I was different, that something was genuinely there between us. Over and above the humiliation I felt at falling for his charms so much that I had been willing to risk my reputation, was the dull ache in my chest, the one that couldn’t be tamped out overnight no matter what I’d learned. Even though I would tell myself differently, deep down I knew I had been falling for Will, and now I could do nothing but pick up the pieces and move on.
#
I didn’t dare look at my phone all day, petrified of what I might find from Will—still worse was the fear that I might find nothing. Julia had been amazing, cancelling her date with Leo in favor of movies and ice cream on the couch. I hoped that after a day of wallowing in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, I’d wake the next morning with the realization that Will was just a tiny blip on the radar, nothing more than a silly crush.
Sadly I was wrong.
On Sunday I felt worse. The pit that had formed in my stomach had grown until I was convinced it was a physical
thing
. The truth was, I hadn’t realized how much Will and the possibility of
us
had created such a happy place in my mind, one that occupied so much space and time that the void left behind was large and gaping, and not even the wonders and endless possibilities of New York City could pull me from my slumber. That’s not to say I didn’t try, with persistent pushing from my somewhat bossy housemate.
With caffeine in hand, Julia woke me at seven on Sunday, demanding we hit an early yoga class, followed by a late brunch. If I was honest, the distractions helped, as did the endless analyzing of the
whys
and
hows
that we went over and over until we were both completely out of theories.
“I just don’t understand how I didn’t know about them.” Julia nodded absentmindedly as the waiter put down her smoked salmon bagel. “Although, I will say this. Sarah wasn’t herself the last couple of months before going away.”
I frowned over my coffee mug. “What do you mean…not herself?”
Julia shrugged. “I don’t know exactly. She was just kind of quiet or something. I asked her about it a few times but she dismissed me, said she was fine.”
“Do you think that has something to do with what happened between them?” I hadn’t been able to say his name since first telling Julia what happened.
“I don’t know, maybe, but it could have been anything. Or nothing, if she was telling the truth.”
“I wonder when it happened.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I wished they hadn’t. “No, scrap that. I really don’t want to know the answer. Or any of the specifics, come to think of it.”
But the morbid thing was I absolutely
did
want to know what had happened. I wanted to know every last detail. Did he flirt with her endlessly in the lead up? Did they know it was going to happen before it did? And where did it happen? Did they spend the night together? Had they been drinking?
The list of questions ran through my head like an on-going nightmare, each one conjuring up images worse than the one before. The silly thing was, I knew Will had probably slept with hundreds of women. And while the thought of him with anyone else wasn’t something I was keen to dwell on, there was something about thinking of him with Sarah that was particularly upsetting.
Julia exhaled absentmindedly, reaching out to rub my arm. “You know you didn’t imagine it all, don’t you? I mean, from everything you’ve told me, I don’t think he was just in it for a one-night stand. Men like that don’t have to work so hard.”
I laughed, although the sound was empty. “I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. I mean, if you had asked me that last week I would have totally agreed, but now, after knowing what he said to the team about me, I just wonder if I haven’t been this conquest all along, thrill of the chase and all that.” I shoved another handful of fries into my mouth. “Even if he was genuine, I still think I was kidding myself…believing we could have gone on seeing each other for any decent amount of time. Putting all the work issues aside, I think once the shine had worn off, he would have lost interest.”
And the only silver lining, as far as I could see, was knowing that even though inside I might be crushed, things hadn’t gotten so far that work had been impacted as well. No one knew about our plans for the following weekend, about the hotel room in Florida, and the few that did witness our dancefloor antics in Texas weren’t going to say anything. At least I didn’t have to show up to work known as the girl who’d slept with the quarterback.
Is that how Sarah felt? Clearly some of the playing team knew, Buck and Bobbie included, but did any of my team know? Surely Carrie wouldn’t have encouraged me so much if she had. And I didn’t feel like I could talk to any of them about it without revealing her secret. I had no idea what I would say to Dana if she wanted to know why I had been so upset when she’d found me.
#
On Monday morning I was met by a wall of warmth as I stepped outside the apartment. Summer had well and truly reached the city and at 8 a.m. there was already a dry heat that took my breath away a little. I marched to the subway, determined to approach the week with the same enthusiasm I had the week prior. Will or no Will, I was still living in New York City, had a great job that I loved and happened to be doing well at. And thanks to a very determined housemate, I also had a week of dinner plans to look forward to, which left very little time to sit around feeling sorry for myself.
I squeezed into the packed elevator at the office, pulling out my phone to power it up for the first time since Friday. I was both dreading and longing to know what was on there, and I’d put off finding out for as long as possible. I waited, staring aimlessly as the doors opened and shut to let people out while it loaded. As I stepped out at my floor, it beeped.
One message. I clicked on the unopened mail icon.
Saturday, 11.31am
Dana Martin: Hey Em, not sure what happened last night but I hope you’re okay. Here to talk if you need xoxo
My heart immediately fell to the pit of my stomach when Dana’s name appeared. Nothing from Will.
I hated myself for how much I wanted it to be from him. I should have been grateful. Surely having to hear from him in any form would just be torture at this stage. Maybe he’d listened when I told him to stay away from me. I’d certainly meant it at the time.
Our staff meeting was a fresh burst of torture, with everyone reliving the party that I so desperately wanted to forget, so I was grateful when Mark put the gossip on hold in favor of getting on with other things. Like work.
“Emma, Jensen has a last-minute interview slot on ESPN tonight. I know its late notice, but can you go?”
No. No, not in any way can I go. Absolutely not.
“Oh, I ahh, I would…but I have um, I have plans…a dinner.” My voice trailed off as I realized how lame my excuse had sounded. Damn it, why was my family all the way over on the other side of the world? Family birthdays were always the best excuses.
Mark nodded. “Very well, I’ll try to shuffle a few things around, see if I can get out there myself.”
“Sorry,” I squeaked. Great, now my boss was doing my job for me, all thanks to boy problems. Way to go, Emma.
#
By sheer force of will and having every waking second outside of work managed by Julia, I somehow got through the week. I wouldn’t say I was particularly bubbly to be around, but I was fairly certain people didn’t have me on suicide watch. Only Dana and Carrie gave me the odd sideways glance. Both had seen me upset at different times at the party and knew something was up, but I must have been giving off a serious don’t-ask vibe because neither of them said anything.
On Thursday night, Julia dragged me along to a homewares showing she’d been invited to, where the who’s who of the interior design world
ooh
’d and
ahh
’d over ceramic bowls and vases that cost more than our weekly rent, while sipping champagne and eating mini squid ink tarts. I was doing my best to be a good plus-one, trying to stay involved with conversations about the latest interior paint color trends, but the truth was…I was exhausted. There are few things more tiring than forced activity to avoid spending nights sobbing into your pillow over a man. In a sea of fabulous people, I felt both invisible and on show, sure that they must be able to read the tale of my fractured heart just by looking at my face. And what was worse…I really didn’t have anything to complain about. It wasn’t like Will and I had been dating, living together or madly in love. I’d simply been falling for a man who had courted me for the better part of two months for the purposes of his own selfish needs.
I moved away from the group, signalling to Julia that I was heading outside to make a call when my phone vibrated in my hands.
One new message: Will Jensen
My breath caught as I looked around at the crowd, feeling as though everyone must be able to sense the significance of what had just happened to me. Which of course they hadn’t.
I pushed through the sea of people, eager to get some space. When I got outside, I plonked myself down on a park bench opposite the door, turning away from a group who had spilled onto the sidewalk.
Taking a deep breath, I opened the message.
I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I just want a chance to explain. I hate this. I hate that I hurt you. Can we meet?
I stared at the message, re-reading it over and over.
I hate that I hurt you.
I hate that you hurt me too, Will.
#
A rough hand on my shoulder pulled me from my slumber. “Emma.
Emma
. Wake up.”
“Huh?”
“Not cool lady.”
I sat up, glancing around and realized I must have fallen asleep on the couch. “What? What is it?”
“You just disappeared tonight. Where did you go?”
“Oh, sorry. I just wasn’t feeling well, so I left.”
“What, and you didn’t think to tell me?” I finally looked at Julia. She wasn’t happy.
“Shit, I really am sorry, I wasn’t thinking…I…I got a text from Will.”
Julia’s eyes narrowed. “Show me.”
I watched as she read the text, her eyes widening. “How do you feel about it?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m glad I’ve heard from him I guess, and at least he’s acknowledged what happened.”
“Maybe you should talk to him.”
I shrugged. “What’s the point? It’s all fairly straight forward from my point of view.”
Julia raised an eyebrow at me. “Is it though? I mean, maybe you should hear what he has to say.”
I let out a sigh. “No, I’ve made up my mind. I just need to get over him and move on. It was stupid to ever think about getting involved with him in the first place. It’s better this way.”
I morphed my face into something I hoped made me look surer than I felt.
Julia nodded. “Well, if you’re sure. But if you don’t want to speak to him, I think we need to move to phase two of recovery.”
“Phase two?”
“Yes. I think it’s time we get you back out and dating.”
“Oh…but I’m not sure I want to meet someone new.”
Julia looked at me like I was stupid. “I’m not saying date to meet your next man…I just mean date for the fun of it. Get out and have a good time with people of the opposite sex.” Her face lit up. “Call Nick! I know he’s still interested.”