Life in Fusion (33 page)

me, because he didn’t even know who I was.

I turned onto Central Avenue, my tires squealing as my beat

up, piece of shit, decade old Beamer strained under the force.

“How can you love someone if you don’t know them?”

It was over, I thought, feeling my eyes begin to well up.

Helplessness spread over me like a flesh eating bacteria as I

pushed down harder on the gas pedal. My chest tightened and I

felt dizzy. I’d lost him, and I hadn’t even seen it coming.

I glanced down at the phone sitting on the passenger seat after

it started ringing again. I picked it up, poking different buttons,

trying to figure out how to turn the damn ringer off. I didn’t even

know how the hell to power it down.

“Fuck!” I tossed the phone onto the passenger side floorboard

and it finally stopped ringing. “Read the goddamn manual—you

idiot!
”

I peered out the windshield as Gabe came out of store with

Tommy, who was locking it behind them.

Gabe and I had met up about a week after I returned to

Albuquerque. At the time, we hadn’t spoken since the night of

the party in Summit City, when he’d vanished with Chip. He

still hadn’t told me exactly what had happened between the two

of them. I had a pretty good idea of course, thanks to Chip’s

insinuations, but it was as if we’d been observing some unspoken

new rule over the past month not to talk about boys. It had thus

far kept the peace between us, but I hated that we were now

friends with conditions.

I watched as they slowly crossed the parking lot, laughing

and talking while they headed in my direction. I’d parked next to

Gabe’s black Honda and opened my car door after they spotted

me.

“Hey Boone,” Gabe said, forming a smile that quickly

dissolved once he was close enough to see my face. “What’s

wrong?”

I pushed the car door shut. “I need to talk to you. I really need

my best friend right now, Gabe. And that’s supposed to be you.”

“It is me,” Gabe said, dropping his leather book bag to the

pavement.

He looked guilty, feeling the accusation I’d leveled. He

grabbed at my arm and lifted my hand to his face, examining it.

242 Ethan Day

“What the hell did you do to your hand?”

I shrugged, shaking my head to let him know it was nothing.

“I should…” Tommy pointed toward his car with his thumb.

“You know.”

Gabe rolled his eyes at Tommy but neither of us asked him to

stay. I watched as he got into his small pickup.

“I need for you to hear me out, Gabe. And I need for you

listen carefully, thinking about things from my point of view

here, not yours.”

“You two are fighting aren’t you?” he asked, dropping my

hand as Tommy pulled out of the parking space and crossed the

lot toward the street.

I shot him a look to let him know he was correct.

“I knew it! I told you he was an asshole!”

I resisted the urge to slap the shit out him—mainly because

I figured he’d be less likely to help me if I did. I took a deep

breath and started from the beginning, going though the entire

story. Gabe sneered, shaking his head the instant he heard

Phillip’s name. I recalled that Gabe had always hated him as well.

A fact I’d forgotten until that very moment. That same sickening

notion that perhaps Gabe had been in love with me for all these

years snuck back in. Was he really such a prude, or had his

condemnation of my sex life been something more?

He listened dutifully, not interrupting and even reached over

to take my hand again, gently squeezing it when he saw how

upset I was getting.

I cursed, hearing my phone ring again. Gabe moved toward

the car door like he was going to grab it for me.

“It’s him, don’t bother. He’s been calling incessantly since I

stormed out of the house.”

Gabe sighed and leaned back against my car next to me.

“I’m scared.” I turned to Gabe. “Do you really not like Wade,

or are all your objections simply about my moving away?”

Life in fusion
243

He was frowning as he stared down at his shoes. “I think

you’re probably allowing your fears to create problems where

there are none.”

“Damn that fucking phone,” I said as it started going off

again.

“And maybe some of those problems are there, but I don’t

think they’re the kind that warrant walking away. Obviously you

guys have some trust issues. You are still new. That combined

with the back and forth of the whole long distance thing.”

“So you do like him?”

“Please,” Gabe scoffed. “Let’s not go overboard. I think he’s

pushy and kind of a bully. But in all fairness,
you
probably need

that—someone who’s strong enough to stand up to you and your

big mouth.”

“So my fears about it all going to shit—”

“Is your self defense mechanism kicking in, thanks in large

part because you spent your formative years being relentlessly

teased about your appearance, creating feelings of unworthiness

that taught you to expect little and to covet even less.” Gabe

finally took a breath, then added, “Which only became further

cemented into your psyche due to the untimely death of your

uncle and his lover.”

“You are so good at this shit,” I said, constantly amazed by his

ability to cut through everyone else’s bullshit.

“I know.” Gabe shrugged.

I sighed, relieved and feeling kinda stupid while already

laying all the blame for my current situation on my high school

classmates, as opposed to shouldering any of the responsibility

myself.

Hello…old dog…new trick? I’m thinking no.

“So that means all his jealousy was—”

“A knee-jerk reaction to seeing another man fondling what he

perceives as his goodies.” Gabe sighed.

244 Ethan Day

“I don’t get that,” I said. “Surely he has to know I’d never—”

“His goodies—another man fondling,” Gabe blurted out.

“Strip away all of Wade’s save the planet, healthy lifestyle, and

man of the people crap and underneath you’ll find,” Gabe

lowered his voice to sound all brutish, “Me, Tarzan! You Johnny-

suck-my-cock!”

I laughed, realizing I liked being Johnny-suck-his-cock. “So,

love the sinner, hate the sin?”

“Very funny.” He smirked, not appreciating my dig at the

Catholic Church. “They’ll get it right someday.”

“Not as long as they keep hiring grandpa-Popes.” I said,

winking at him. “Old people are mean! They can’t have fun

anymore so they wanna ruin shit for the rest of us.”

Gabe’s eyes went all squinty, looking evil. “You are wrong and

low, blasphemer.”

I clenched my fists and sighed, the throbbing in my hand

returning. I hoped I hadn’t broken anything. “Shit…I’m fucking

things up aren’t I?”

“Probably.”

“Damn it!” I shot my fists through the air having a hissy. “I

hate it when I do that!”

“Add in you’re likely freaked about moving away to a place

where everyone
loves
him and you have next to no built-in support

system of your own. It’s only natural you’d be looking for any

excuse to bail, because you secretly fear it’s all going to fall apart.”

“That sounds like me,” I said, cringing. “It hurts that he’s felt

that from me this entire time.”

“Everybody loves you, Boone.” Gabe moved so we were

standing face to face. “You’re fun and funny and hot. You always

were fun and funny, but you only
really
trust me and your parents,

because we’re the only ones who loved you before you got hot.”

I was practically frozen to the ground, because I never realized

anyone but me knew that about myself.

Life in fusion
245

“Looks will fade—” I started, wondering if I was enough for

Wade without them.

“But love shouldn’t,” Gabe interjected, pulling me out of my

inner-ravings. “Not if it’s real.”

I was staring into his big brown eyes and felt like I might get

sick, so I knew he was right about everything. The thought that I

might never see Wade again made me sicker, desperately so. I was

still terrified that everything might fall to pieces around me, but

not as much as I now was, thinking I might lose him before ever

having given us a chance. I turned my head, hearing the phone

begin to ring again.

“Do you believe what you have with Wade is real?” Gabe

asked, placing his hands on my arms to draw my attention back

to him. “It’s as simple as that.”

I felt the corners of my lips begin to curl up and Gabe smiled

back at me.

“I gotta go.” I threw my arms around Gabe and laughed as I

started to kiss him all over his face.

“Cut it out, you freak,” Gabe laughed. “I know where those

lips have been.”

I slapped him on the ass before pushing him away and

jumping back in my car.

“I do love you the most, you know,” I called out to him.

Gabe nodded as he picked up his book bag off the asphalt.

“Love you too.”

I shut the door and started my car. I rolled down my window,

which squeaked in vehement protest as I pulled out of the

parking spot. “To the moon and back again, baby!”

I heard him laughing and glanced in my rearview to see him

waving before turning to get into his car. I waited before pulling

onto the street to make sure he got into his car okay. I yanked on

my seat belt, hearing it click. The instant his head lights fired up

I peeled out.

I was practically giddy all of a sudden, laughing like an idiot

246 Ethan Day

as I sped down the street.

“Please let him forgive me for being such a butt munch.”

I made two turns and noticed the next light was red. My

phone started to ring again and I cursed myself for not rescuing

it from the floor board before driving off. I slowed to a stop

when I came to the light and leaned over, now thankful for my

long limbs as I was able to grab hold of the phone with my

fingers.

I hit the green button. “I’m on way back to the house.”

I noticed the car pulling up behind me, flashing its head lights

as Wade was yelling at me for not answering my phone.

“Well I’m not coming home until you calm the fuck down and

stop yelling.”

I rolled my window down as the car started flashing his lights

again.

“It’s green asshole!” I heard him screaming before glancing

up at the traffic light.

I flipped the jerk off, even though I was at fault. He whipped

his car out and squealed his tires as he drove around me.

“Get off your phone and drive your car,” he yelled as he

passed me.

“Who the hell is that?” Wade asked.

I rolled up my window. “Some asshole.” I took my foot off

the brake and the phone slipped out of my hand, hitting me in

the nuts.

“Ouch…mother fuck that smarts…damn it,” I cursed under

my breath as I hit the gas, and scrambled to pick up the phone.

I was shaking my head as I pulled the phone up to my ear. I

squinted, noticing the headlights coming toward me as a horn

went off.

Shit.

I slammed on my brakes and heard a loud pop, followed by

metal scraping. Sparks shot up into the air as my car spun around,

Life in fusion
247

the tires squealing in protest. I felt a sharp pain in the side of

my head as crumbles of glass rained down upon me. My vision

blurred momentarily and it was almost as if they twinkled—the

tiny edges of glass reflecting light as they fell.

I was dazed when everything finally came to a stop, and my

vision blurred again while I blinked.

“Wade?” I asked, hearing him like he was somewhere far

away calling my name. I felt something warm running down the

back of my neck. Wade’s voice was still calling out to me and I

could tell he was screaming, but he sounded so tiny. I opened my

mouth to answer him and everything went black.

It was pitch black and I could hear whispering coming from

all around me. Then from out of nowhere I’d get these flashes

of lights, in beautiful reds, blues and whites. I could hear voices

screaming at me, loud cracks and pops along with the screeching

alarms. It seemed to build into this fever pitch and I became

more and more terrified. Then just like that, it would once again

go dark…becoming quiet, like I was disappearing into someplace

else—someplace safe.

Strange faces passed before me and flickers of light came and

went, providing these brief glimpses. Then someone familiar

would show up only to fade away—Mom and Dad along with

Gabe and the twins—then Wade. They kept disappearing before

I had the chance to call out to them. It was now so dark I couldn’t

see my hand in front of me. The whispers had come back, but I