Lighting Candles in the Snow (12 page)

Lower Calorie, less decadent, Pear and Bleu Cheese Soup

2 teaspoons vegetable oil

1 medium onion, chopped

3 pears, peeled, cored and chopped

14 oz. vegetable stock

½ teaspoon paprika

Juice of ½ a lemon

4 oz. bleu cheese, crumbled

Salt and ground pepper to taste

Heat oil in pan. Add chopped onion and sauté until soft. Add pears and stock. Bring to a boil for about 10 minutes. Stir in paprika, lemon juice and cheese. Stir until cheese is melted. Allow soup to cool slightly. Puree until smooth. Strain through fine mesh strainer. Pour back in pan and heat gently. Ladle into small bowls. Garnish with sprigs of watercress.

Chapter Fourteen

S
uzie called me early the next morning, as I knew she would. “So tell me! How’d you like Zac?”

“I liked him fine. He’s a nice guy and attractive, as you said.” I poured a fourth of a cup of Grape Nuts into a small bowl.

“Isn’t he though? Very athletic. You two should get along great. He could take you skiing.”

I sighed. “I suppose. I haven’t been for a while. Skiing is fun.”

I added two packets of sugar substitute and a half cup of skim milk. I stirred it as we chatted. I liked my Grape Nuts more soggy than crunchy.

Suzie continued, “You sound kind of down. What’s wrong?”

“Oh, nothing really, it’s just that we came back to my place after dinner and things didn’t go well.”

I wasn’t sure I wanted to go into details with Suzie. She had been married since the age of nineteen, and Rob was her first. As cute and boy crazy as teenage Suzie had been, and despite frequent dating, she had managed to keep the boys at bay and their hands off her. At least that’s what she had always told me. Not sure I believed her, then or now. Although she had stuck to her story through the years, often saying, most likely as an object lesson for me: “I wouldn’t have what I have now if I’d given it away back then.”

“What do you mean?” Suzie queried. “You didn’t sleep with him, did you?”

I was offended. What kind of question was that anyway? “Suzie! Do you think I’m some kind of slut or something? Desperate to jump into bed with the first guy who presents himself at my door?”

“Of course not, sweetie,” she replied in a reassuring tone. “I didn’t mean it like that. But, well, the two of you are single, and I know it’s been awhile for you, and Zac is, um, he’s a single guy in his thirties, who I’m sure takes whatever chances he can get.”

I laughed at her awkwardness. I knew what she was trying to say.

“That old ski bum, surfer dude reputation, huh? Then why did you want to hook us up? Like I told you, I’m looking for friendship right now, Suz, not a one night stand. I’m not ready for a relationship. Still, a few dates would be nice, without it getting physical.”

“Did he get physical?” She seemed too eager for details.

“What could I expect? I invited him up to my apartment and gave him wine. He probably figured I was after him. You know—the lonely divorced woman cliché.”

I poured out a glass of tomato juice to drink while on the phone. I felt hungrier than I should after that big dinner last night. There’s nothing like dieting to give you a huge appetite.

“Karoline, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize Zac was that kind of guy. Of course, I don’t know him very well. He’s Rob’s friend. They went to high school together. Um . . . what happened?”

“It doesn’t matter. He may call or he may not. Truthfully, I don’t care, and if he did, I’m not sure I’d go out with him. I wasn’t impressed with him as the night wore on. I think he was annoyed that I didn’t have sex with him.”

There, I said it. Welcome to the 21st century, Suzie. Single people having safe sex and all that.

“What a jerk,” she responded.

“Don’t tell Rob though. I don’t want to ruin his lifelong friendship with Zac,” I said, while harboring other reasons for hoping she wouldn’t share with Rob.

I wasn’t crazy about the idea of my sister and brother-in-law discussing my sex life. Agreeing to let them set Zac and me up opened the door to questions and suppositions, where the involved parties assume they have a right to details since they got the ball rolling.

“Don’t worry about that. Rob can handle it. I don’t think he’s under any illusions about Zac. It was simply our attempt to set you two up and see if anything came of it.”

“I know, and I appreciate your efforts.” It was my own fault that I agreed.

We left it at that. I didn’t think I’d hear from Zac again, and I might or might not end up with another blind date from one of Rob’s friends or associates or whatever. I decided to stop worrying about Zac and last night.

I had a job interview to get ready for.

I carried breakfast into the living room to eat on the couch. I liked to look out the east-facing windows and watch the sun rise above the mountains.

My interview was at Southtowne Mall at the south end of the valley, near where Suzie and Rob lived. If I hadn’t been desperate I wouldn’t have applied that far south, dreading a thirty minute daily commute to work and back for retail. I had applied at both Macy’s and JC Penney, and JC Penney called for the interview. It was the desperate boredom of unemployment that had driven me to retail.

I was all right financially. I still had unemployment, money in savings and the occasional temp job. But mentally, some days I felt like I might be losing it. Sitting around the house staring through my magnificent windows at the clouds in the sky was a peaceful activity as a backdrop to a work-filled routine; but when cloud-gazing became my major daily focus, I had a problem.

I felt disappointed in how things had gone with Zac, I had to admit as I chewed my cereal and stared at the morning sky. It would be nice to have a guy to hang out with, share dinner and the movies. And yes, I could have used a friend who enjoyed running, skiing and hiking in the mountains.

Maybe I could meet someone at work, once I got a job. That might be a hidden advantage to retail. There were plenty of good-looking men at the mall, usually with their wives or girlfriends but occasionally you’d spot one browsing the men’s department by himself. Who but a single, heterosexual guy would go shopping alone for his own clothes? Add to that the single dads who brought their kids clothes-shopping on the weekends. Being at the mall daily might not be a bad way to meet single men. No way could I shop that much—hanging out at the mall wasn’t my style unless I was there for work.

I set my empty bowl on the coffee table and pulled my knees up to my chin. It was a gray day and looked like snow. In Utah snow comes at any time. One year it snowed in July. Snow in March was certainly not unexpected. A chill came through my tall windows, and I got up to pull the blinds.

Although I despised retail, it could serve until something better came along. Besides, I might get lucky and find the man of my dreams browsing alone one day at the department store.

Or maybe I wouldn’t. Who needed a man anyway? I had one for most of my twenties and look where it got me. Forget Jeremy, forget Zac, forget that imaginary cute guy shopping for socks.

I
would
find a job, and if need be I’d keep doing temp work until I had something permanent. I’d go back to the gym, another great place to meet men I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, and tomorrow I’d drive up to Cottonwood Canyon and spend the day hiking, at least as far as the trails were clear and dry. I’d take one path after another until I was spent and then I’d come home and sleep like a baby.

As I thought about working out, going to the gym, hiking in the mountains, I felt a positivity flowing through my veins that surprised me. What in heaven’s name had I been moping around for? It had been nearly a year since Jeremy walked out on our anniversary, over six months since our divorce, and last night a hot guy had called me sexy and tried to make out with me. What the hell was I waiting for? I didn’t want Jeremy so what was my deal? Suzie was right. I needed to put the past where it belonged and get back to the world of the living. The world of attractive single people in their thirties who were out there looking for love. Or not. Finding a job was my first priority. After that, well then, we would just see.

My new attitude excited and invigorated me. I had to tell someone. I called Suzie, knowing she’d appreciate it more than anyone. “Guess what, Suz? I’m free! I’m free of Jeremy!”

At first she didn’t understand. “What do you mean? You’ve been free of him ever since your divorce. It’s been awhile.”

“Well, yes, but get this. I’m done analyzing the past and worrying about what went wrong and how he treated me. His problems were his problems. I don’t care anymore! Really. I don’t, and that’s the sincere truth.”

“Karoline, that is such good news. I’ve been waiting for you to get to this point. I knew you would, it just took some time. Is it because of Zac?”

“Not really. I was sitting here thinking, Suz, and staring at the sky when it hit me. I don’t need to stress over Jeremy or Zac or anyone. I won’t go looking. The one for me will appear when the time is right, like the sun rising over the mountains. I can be patient and not worry about the past or the future. From now on, I’m going to live in the present and enjoy the moment.”

“Good idea, Karoline. That’s a healthy attitude.”

“I’ve got to run because I have a job interview at Southtowne Mall. Bye!”

“Bye, sweetie. I love you, and good luck with your interview.”

Driving south on I-15 I felt better than I had in months, in years. It bubbled up, this Wasatch Mountain High, as I looked out toward the stunning, ragged, snow-capped peaks silhouetting the east side of the valley. Not sure where my new and improved attitude came from, or why, but I would go with it and be glad. I felt happiness and hope emanating from my fingertips. I pulled down the visor to see if my face reflected this new attitude. Surely it must.

“Hi, gorgeous,” I said out loud to the mirror and laughed at how strange my voice sounded alone in the car. I kept talking.

“Karoline London, you are a lovely person inside and out, so there. You deserve the best life has to offer. You are
not
a desperate, sex-starved woman, despite what Zac said. That was him being a jerk and justifying his own behavior.”

Zac was the one who had wanted it. He had lusted after me and then pretended like it was the other way around. His ego, the sensitive male ego that couldn’t handle rejection by a woman, told him what he wanted to hear. Still, it had been nice to feel desirable again.

I felt stronger and more powerful as I filled the void with encouraging words.

“You
will
get a job that you enjoy, you
will
build a new career, you
will
be happy, and you
will
stop blaming Jeremy for everything that went wrong. No, scratch that. You have
already
stopped blaming Jeremy. Smile, Karoline. Be grateful for what you have—and greet every new day with your Wasatch Mountain High.”

I talked to myself the entire way to Southtowne Mall. It felt wonderful. I parked and checked the clock; still forty minutes before my interview at JC Penney. I’d have time to stop at Macy’s and check on the status of my application.

At the Macy’s business office I asked to speak to Cathy.

“She’s in back, I’ll go get her,” said the girl at the desk.

What? Just like that? This was my lucky day. Something good was bound to happen.

Cathy followed the girl out, gave me an inquisitive glance and said, “How can I help you?”

“My name is Karoline London and I’m checking on the application I left here last week. Would you have time to give me an interview by any chance?”

Cathy’s eyes flickered over to the girl who ducked her head. Clearly there had been a misunderstanding about the supposed importance of whoever they thought I was.

Cathy checked her watch. I could see indecision on her face. “What’s your name again?”

“Karoline London. I’m applying for the sales position in children’s wear.” I tried not to groan and roll my eyes as I said it.

She hesitated before responding. “Okay, I have a minute. Come on back.”

I followed her to her office, and she motioned for me to sit while she went to her desk and pulled up my application on the computer.

Uh oh, I thought. With the trouble she’s going to for my impromptu interview, I’ll feel obligated to take the job. That’s okay, I decided. I need a job, and I better take the first real one that comes along. I can always keep looking if I don’t like it.

Cathy interviewed me briefly. She took a few notes and said she would let me know. I thanked her and headed to JC Penney for interview #2, still whirling from my Wasatch Mountain High.

This would be a fabulous day.

Chapter Fifteen

I
 left Southtowne Mall at two-thirty, after interviewing at both JC Penney and Macy’s. Not bad for a day in the life of the unemployed. Neither one had offered me a job but nothing could quell my happy mood.

I didn’t feel like returning to my apartment. Suz lived up the hill a ways from Southtowne. I considered stopping in to see her. But I’d already shared my news on the phone and what I really wanted was to go up to the mountains and hike.

On the drive down, with the Wasatch mountain range shining to the left of me, I’d decided to explore trails in the canyon tomorrow. Now I thought maybe I’d drive up and walk around a little, to gear up for a day hiking, something I hadn’t done in a long time. Wearing my dress slacks and high heels, I couldn’t do much, but still I turned my car east toward Little Cottonwood Canyon as I exited the parking lot.

As I headed up the twisting road of the canyon, I opened my windows to smell spring. I didn’t mind the cold air wafting into the heated car. Nothing is fresher than mountain air, and the thin atmosphere at the high altitude had a cleansing feel to it. Breathing it in would clarify my system and clear my thoughts.

I pulled in at one of the Alta parking lots. Ski season was winding down although the slopes were white. The spring melt could cause deception. Underneath the layer of snow that appeared stable and ideal for skiing, it might be slippery and dangerous as the snow melted close to the warming earth.

I got out of the car to stretch my legs and take in the purifying freshness. The scent of spring and new hope accompanied the cool, thin air as a subtle undercurrent. It cheered me. I would be fine, I knew it. I would find a job and return to the nine to five routine I thrived on, and tomorrow I’d come here and hike while I could still do so on a weekday, avoiding the weekend crowds who swarmed the roads and trails.

A couple of ski bums drove up next to me in a Datsun and parked. They got out and checked the bindings on the skis on top of the car. Glancing over, they checked me out, too—their eyes flicking up and down my body.

I thought of Zac, wondering if I had handled it right. He was cute for sure, and I’d been attracted to him. Going to bed with him would have been easy, careless, thrilling. I didn’t do it on a first date, I reminded myself. I never did have Suzie’s strict morals, but at least I had stuck to that particular standard.

In hindsight, it was good I’d said no, although I was flattered by how he came on to me. It had been long time since a man called me beautiful and sexy.

The two ski dudes nodded at me.

“Hey,” one said. “How’s it going?”

“Fine, thanks,” I replied with a smile.

“Cool,” he said, and turned back to the ski racks on his car.

When they were satisfied that their equipment was in order, they climbed back in the Datsun and drove off down the mountain.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Zac again. If he wanted to call, he could get my number from Rob. I hoped he would. I wanted to try this again. Maybe I’d call him to prove I had no hard feelings. As long as he didn’t assume I was sending out more signals.

I’d ask Suz for his number.

I was ready to head home. There should be a Netflix in my mailbox. Dinner and a movie sounded good.

Fortunately I stayed ahead of the rush hour traffic on I-15 and made good time. At last things were going my way. I had expected to be offered one of those jobs, since today I walked in magic land. Working retail wasn’t my first choice, unless it was books. Too bad Books and More had closed. I would have gone back and begged for a job, even if it were stocking shelves.

I found a parking spot across the street from my apartment and plodded upstairs. Ugh, this weight gain was killing me. Who would’ve thought a mere twelve, now down to five, pounds would make such a difference. I couldn’t wait to get back to the mountains tomorrow for a real work-out. From now on, things were going to be a lot different around here. I was back!

I am back.

Karoline London is back
. Just saying it put energy into my steps as I bounded up the remaining stairs.

I unbuttoned the top button of my dress pants—my go out and find a job slacks—before I reached the top floor, eager to get into my pajamas and relax in front of the TV. My new Netflix delivery was in hand along with random bills.

I had taken care of financial matters when we were married. It wasn’t entirely Jeremy poaching off me, as Suzie had suggested. We simply divided our money in a certain way, allocating my paychecks for the necessities and Jeremy’s for the frivolities.

“He wasn’t all bad, Suz,” I said out loud as I unlocked the door.
Just a little bad.
I smiled to myself, remembering Jeremy and what we had together, once upon a time. For a fleeting second I wondered if I had some kind of sick attraction to the bad boy in society. If Zac were only a website designer
without
the passion for snowboarding, I wasn’t sure I’d have found him as attractive.

Wait, what was this?
The door was already unlocked.
Had I forgotten to lock up today?

I slowly pushed it open, half expecting to get hit over the head by a crazed intruder.

I heard someone inside. Footsteps. A door clicked shut. Or was that a gun? I carefully took a step backward toward the hall. I reached for the door handle. I would pull it shut then run like hell toward the street, where I’d call 911 on my cell phone.

Why had I unbuttoned my slacks in advance of reaching my apartment? One does not want to face a burglar or rapist with one’s pants undone. Nor would it be helpful to have them dropping to my ankles as I ran like a deer away from this place. I juggled my bag, thinking maybe I could quickly do up my pants but already the zipper was sliding down.
Damn!

Thinking about my zipper and my cell phone was bad karma, because just then it rang—Regina Spector singing
All of My Mind
. Suzie’s ring tone. Regina would keep on singing until I pushed a button to stop her.

Fumble around for the phone or pull the door shut? Or maybe I should start running?

“Karoline? Is that you?”

Jeremy’s voice.
Jeremy
was the intruder?

He came out of the bedroom carrying two shirts on hangers—the blue silk Perry Ellis with thin beige stripes and the oversized, crinkly white linen that made him look like one of those guys on the cover of a sexy romance novel. Okay, I admit I had held on to them in the back of the closet, next to my favorite blouses, letting the smells mingle. Silly, I know, but it made me feel less alone seeing them there. And I did like those two shirts. Sometimes I wore them around the house. I might have slept in them once or twice, especially the white linen.

“Jeremy? What are you doing here?” I tried to sound authoritative and demanding, quite properly annoyed, but I’m afraid a tiny winsome tone crept into my voice.

He wore faded torn jeans, a form-fitting black turtleneck, and his brown leather jacket, unzipped. He looked too damn good.

I should have put more thought into making sure I sounded demanding, shocked, insulted and infuriated, instead of letting my voice break like it did at the end, because Jeremy seemed to catch it.

He stopped and stared at me, right into my eyes. He must have seen something there, and wouldn’t you know it, he dropped the shirts right there on the floor and came to me.

He never once took his eyes off mine as he moved toward me like a hungry tiger. There’s no denying that Jeremy is one hot guy, and this particular day was no different. He smelled as good as he looked. Soap, aftershave, whatever, he smelled clean, and manly and sexy. He was fanatical about keeping his long brown hair washed and combed. It came down past his shoulders in a smooth wave, adding to the erotic guy on the romance novel look, especially when I noticed it shining with gold highlights as the overhead light caught it just right. Visualizing him as the male model posing for a book cover, and smiling at the cheesiness of it, I watched him approach, my heart pounding and a hot flush creeping up my face.

Oh, God, how I wanted him. I couldn’t believe it. The craving for him hit me like a hurricane. I shook my head to clear out the picture of imaginary, erotic novel guy. This was Jeremy, ex-husband, who I had been intently despising for the past six months, and longer.

I stood before him, trying not to quiver as he reached out and touched my arm. After all that big talk this morning about how I was over him, over everyone, and how the newly independent Karoline London would carry on firm as the mountains around her. My resolve evaporated when he said my name.

“Karoline.”

His voice, his gorgeous deep voice that was like butter and chocolate and everything I had craved since he left. That was it, a soft touch on my arm, and then he dug his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Hi, Jeremy,” I said softly. I leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to support myself and keep from falling at his feet. “You shouldn’t be here. You really shouldn’t be here.”

“Probably not. But these shirts. . . .” He gestured toward the dropped items on the floor.

Silence. Both of us gazing at the shirts as though any minute they would get up and start crawling away, or perhaps add to the conversation. “What are you two staring at anyway?” they would say. “Don’t blame us for this mess.”

I glanced up at him.

He broke the silence. “You look fantastic, by the way. You, you’ve, you’re . . . I don’t know.” He made a curvy motion with his hands. “Luscious. Curviliscious. You look good and . . . and . . . sexy.” He stepped in and pulled me toward him. “I have missed you, Karoline.”

Our bodies melted together, like they had been waiting for this moment, like they were mad at us for parting them those many months ago. They didn’t care if we were divorced, trying to get over the past, hating each other. Our bodies didn’t give a rat’s ass about that. They were magnets coming together with a powerful force.

I swallowed hard. The scent of him was literally sending me over the edge. I glanced at the bedroom door.

“I want you, Karoline,” Jeremy breathed. “Oh my God, what am I doing? I shouldn’t be pushing myself onto you. We’re divorced, goddammit.”

I shook my head and managed to say, “You aren’t pushing yourself, Jeremy. You’re responding and me, too. I am, too. I don’t like it, but there it is.”

He kissed me long and hard and I kissed him back. I couldn’t bear for it to end. I felt consumed, swallowed up by this man who had recently been the object of my intense dislike. Hating Jeremy London had been my obsession since the night he walked out the door on our anniversary.

Our kiss felt good and real and exactly what I needed.

He said, “Karoline, I was a jerk, an asshole. I can’t believe how bad I treated you.”

He caressed my neck with his lips, stroked up and down my arms. Everywhere his hands touched, my skin felt hot and responsive, tingling. It was horrible and wonderful. I should have gone on that hike today. I should have stayed longer up in the canyon. I should have started a conversation with ski bum dudes in the Datsun. Anything to kill enough time to keep me from coming home with Jeremy here picking up those shirts. Why was there no traffic? There was always traffic going north on I-15. I couldn’t believe I had hit no traffic. It was like the freeway had become a clear open pathway leading me to him.

“I know, Jeremy, I know. I was mad at you. I am still mad at you. I shouldn’t want you like this. You should go.”

He stopped. “Do you want me to go?”

“No. Don’t go. Don’t go. Please, please.”

My whole being cried out for him.

His hands groped for my clothing. He pulled the jacket back, lifted up my sweater. I moaned and sank into him. When he saw that the top button of my pants was undone, and my pants halfway unzipped, he gave me an amused but questioning glance.

“Never mind about that,” I said.

He shook his head and laughed, a beautiful sound. I had missed hearing his laugh.

We couldn’t get out of our clothes fast enough.

We never did make it to the bedroom.
Oh God
, thank you, thank you, I thought in ecstasy and agony, and I know that phrase is already taken as the title of a book but too bad, I’m stealing it. Because the agony and the ecstasy too perfectly portrays what happened between Jeremy and me that afternoon and in fact capsulizes the essence of our relationship.

What am I going to tell Suzie?