Authors: Kathy Reinhart
I let out a half-laugh, and teased, “You’re kidding… right?”
“Some things a man never kids about, Sugar. Feuding is one of them.”
Resting back in my chair, I studied my grandfather’s features. His carefree personality showed in the soft lines on his face, but life’s tragedies showed in his eyes. He was serious about this man and their ongoing feud, and I found myself intrigued by his story.
“So… Gayle married Joker to keep you from going to prison?”
He nodded.
I asked, “Then what?”
As he stood, his eyes darted around the room several times. He checked out the window as if he were expecting something, then turned to me and said, “Then nothing, Sugar. I met your grandmother… had my family… you know the rest.”
Something told me there was a lot more to his story, but I also sensed that he had grown uncomfortable talking about it. This had been the most he had ever shared with me and I didn’t want to run the risk of alienating him by asking more questions than he was comfortable answering.
Holding the pitcher of tea, he turned toward me, a serious expression filling the lines on his face.
“You know, Sugar, I never claimed to be the smartest man in the world, but life has taught me a thing or two.” He set the pitcher down and said, “First, if you’re going to do anything important, do it for love. There is no other reason. Second, never ignore your gut. Your head will over-think, your heart is too emotional but your gut will give it to you straight ninety-nine percent of the time. Don’t waste the sense the good Lord gave you.”
My nod was slight and maybe undetected by Gramp, but I paid close attention to what he said and found myself in deep thought. Few words and a simple philosophy had affected me in a way I hadn’t expected. I’d been doing things all wrong. I’d been trying to ignore what my gut was telling me, believing my head was the smarter of the two, while my heart buoyed in confusion.
I got up from the table and walked to where he was now bent over, putting our dishes in the dishwasher. I rested a hand on his back and said, “Thank you. I enjoyed our talk today and I wouldn’t mind doing it more often.”
Straightening to face me, he wrapped his arms around me, rubbed my back with one hand and said, “Door’s always open, Sugar. You know that.”
A secure but unexpected feeling passed through me. I nodded into his chest and replied, “I don’t feel as though I know much these days, but I do know that.”
~ ~ ~
I slouched in my chair, tossing my hair back, trying my best to avoid Brian’s attempts at conversation.
“Did you enjoy your visit with your aunt today?”
I lied and answered, “Yes,” as I thought how ironic his question was. Today, the first time in ages that I didn’t make my usual visit to the nursing home, he finally remembered that’s where I usually go on Saturdays.
Glancing up from his newspaper, he said, “I had a pretty busy day myself.”
Certainly, he’ll have to fill me in on the details,
I thought. He continued to read his paper quietly, stealing quick looks in my direction as if waiting for me to ask him about his day. I could have let him simmer in his news but decided it would be over sooner if I patronized him.
My voice lacked any real interest when I asked, “So what did you do today?”
He stared into his paper for a few more seconds before casually laying it on the table and giving me his full attention.
“I went shopping.”
The room grew silent and it became apparent that in this game, he expected me to drag each word from him in order to build suspense.
“Shopping… for…” Throwing my hands in the air and shaking my head, I added, “…golf clubs?”
Either my attempt at sarcasm went unnoticed or his mood was too good for me to ruin.
“I got you a little present—call it my wedding gift to you.”
I smiled and wondered if my smile looked as phony as it felt. I should have been beside myself with happiness but instead, I was mad at Brian for ruining the opportunity to end the relationship tonight.
“You didn’t have to do that… I didn’t even get you anything yet.”
His degree of excitement was something I usually only witnessed when he won a big case. He would brag about how he worked the jury and what strategies he used until long after I stopped listening.
“Don’t worry about that, you can pick something up later. C’mon, I want to give you yours now.”
As he jerked me up by the hand, I said, “Shouldn’t you wait until the wedding to give it to me?”
“No, I want you to have it now. I can’t wait for you to see it!”
He led me through the house and out the front door quickly. I couldn’t help but think that his actions were unbearable. Definitely the
able
word of the day. Just when I decide that his insensitivity is more than I can handle and think I deserve better for the rest of my life, he finds kindness. When I work up the courage to tell him what I’m feeling, he gives me a present. I feel like I’m standing with a full score card and still don’t know who’s winning.
We walked down the front steps and made a left on the sidewalk. His steps were brisk as he stared straight ahead.
As we rounded the corner at the end of the block, I said, “Brian, where are you taking…” Following the invisible line between his finger and the object it pointed to, I could hardly speak.
“That… that’s my present?”
His gaze fixed on the object sitting in front of us, he said, “She’s a beauty, isn’t she?”
I stood paralyzed. I was emotionless and momentarily speechless. When words finally came, I knew they weren’t the ones he wanted to hear.
“Brian, that must have cost you a fortune… you really shouldn’t have.”
Directing his attention toward me for the first time since turning the corner, he tightened the grip on my hand and looked genuinely confused when he said, “How about, ‘It’s beautiful’, or ‘Thank you’, or ‘I really like it’… Meg, forgive me for assuming, but I thought you’d be just a little happy when you saw it? What’s up?”
His words reprimanded the spoiled brat that lived inside of me. I hung my head, ashamed of my own selfish behavior. I thanked him for an expensive and thoughtful gift with indifference and a lack of enthusiasm. His gift only helped to confuse me further in my quandary over our relationship and I found myself upset with him for his lousy sense of timing.
Rubbing his arm with my free hand, I tried to sound sincere as I spoke, “I’m sorry, Brian. You just caught me off guard… I wasn’t expecting anything like this.” Looking toward the car, I added, “It is beautiful… thank you.”
His eyes were questioning mine, undecided whether I was telling the truth or if there was more to my lack of enthusiasm.
Trying to add a little bounce to the steps I took in the direction of the car, I eagerly asked, “Can I take it for a drive?” in an attempt to put his doubts to rest.
Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out two keys hanging from a shiny ring. Dangling them between his fingers, he winked and said, “Drive on!”
I drove from Upper Darby, through Unionville and Ransom, on to Vandling and back, all the while listening to Brian lecture me on the specifics of my new Mustang. Although I found his incessant rambling boring rather than informative, I found the hour and a half ride exhilarating. After years of walking and commuting by taxi, sixty miles an hour behind the wheel of my own car was an adrenaline-pumping thrill.
As I pulled along the sidewalk in front of the house, I felt the rush of the drive draining from my body. Confusion began to fill every recess of my mind. Each time I thought I was sure how I felt, something would happen to make me second-guess my decision and today was no exception. It was almost as if Brian had access to my innermost thoughts, using them to manipulate my emotions. Although he was very clever and could be sneaky when need be, I had to believe that the timing of his generosity was nothing more than coincidence. If not, that would mean he was mollifying me with no regard for my feelings as long as it brought him the result he wanted. I found it impossible to believe that I could have been that wrong about him for so many years. Could I have?
Throughout the rest of the evening, I fought to put myself in new-relationship mode. When it came time for bed, I tried to experience his lovemaking as if it were the first time, a time when I found it easy and exciting to be swept away by emotions and lost in a moment.
As he reached a rapid climax, I felt myself go limp. I wasn’t limp with ecstatic exhaustion, but limp with sad acceptance. My head could not talk my heart into feeling or believing something that wasn’t real just because it was easier.
Our relationship had ended long before either of us had realized it. Gone was the upcoming promise to love, honor and obey. Until-death-do-us-part meant a future filled with dread and regrets. All that remained between us was the admittance of failure and the formality of a spoken goodbye.
Brian rolled over at once, foregoing his usual after-sex commentary. There was an ominous tension in the room with us. Not only could I feel the pressure of it, but I knew that Brian could feel it too.
Nine
...I was able to keep the tears that dampened my lashes from spilling over, but the crack in my voice was more than I could help...
I turned in every direction, in search of buildings, people or any sign as to where I was. There was nothing for the heavy wind to blow through, yet somehow, it made a howling sound that raised goose bumps across my skin. Clouds raced across the sky, leaving long, dark streaks behind them.
Was I imagining the vibration in the ground beneath my feet? No, I wasn’t. In the far distance, something approached me, kicking up a cloud of dust that kept its identity hidden from my view. As it drew closer, I could hear the whine of an engine floored wide open. My apprehension became unnerving.
Squinting, I saw the object as it first came into view. Brian! It was Brian in my new Mustang. I stood paralyzed as he rapidly closed the gap between us. My mind was pulling me in one direction and then the other, but my feet refused to move from where they were frozen to the ground.
I closed my eyes tightly and screamed, “
Brian!
” as he turned the wheel sharply and began to circle around me.
He was driving too fast to keep up with him visually, so I turned my head quickly, right to left, as he made pass after pass around me. He wore a vicious smile, one that sent chills from my head to my toes, snapping at every nerve ending throughout my body.
“What do you have to say in your own defense, Meg?” He sneered as he spoke.
“Defense for what? Brian, you’re scaring me, why are you doing this?”
“Let the record show that the defendant refused to answer the question.”
Confusion throbbed in my head. His sadistic smile broadened as his circles grew smaller.
“Brian, this isn’t funny... I’m scared! Please stop.”
All of a sudden, his eyes seemed to bulge along with the veins in his neck.
“Please stop. Please stop.” He mimicked me. “I gave you everything, bitch. I gave you a life of leisure, I gave you the freedom to do as you pleased without having to answer to me, I gave you an expensive ring... I even gave you a car. But did you appreciate any of it?” He raised one brow as he stared at me through cold, unfeeling eyes.
I was able to keep the tears that dampened my lashes from spilling over, but the crack in my voice was more than I could help. “I’m sorry, Brian. I never meant to hurt you... I thought...”
His voice sounded synthesized, as he cut me off sharply. “And let the record show the defendant
claims
to be sorry?” Glaring at me, he continued, “You may be many things, Meg, but I don’t believe sorry is one of them. Let’s see, you’re the illegitimate daughter of the touched one, but not sorry. You’re deformed from the neck to the waist, but not sorry. You’re the offspring of a modern day Jesse James, but not sorry. And you’re a spoiled little brat who isn’t happy unless the world is spinning only for you—but not sorry.”
No longer able to contain my tears, I buried my head in my hands. Between Brian’s taunts, the loud drone of the engine and my growing fear, I felt as though my legs were buckling beneath me.
Suddenly, I heard my cell phone ring. I reached into my purse, but it wasn’t there. It rang and it rang, but I couldn’t find it. The car moved closer, the phone rang again. I needed help. Goddamit, what happened to my phone? I felt the car brush against my leg while the phone continued to ring.
I realized I was going to die! Brian was going to kill me and out here, there was no one to know. As the car grazed my leg again, I closed my eyes and lost myself in the sound of the ringing phone...
“...Meg. Meg, wake up. I need to talk to you.”
After one flutter, my eyes snapped open as I raised my head from the pillow. Uncertain as to where I was, I trembled, trying to shake off the confusion that clouded my mind. “What... what’s the matter?” I subconsciously searched Brian for signs of bulging eyes and sadistic sneers.