Authors: Kathy Reinhart
“Can I ask you something... something personal?”
A short nod caused his jet-black hair to fall into his eyes.
“What is it about Nelda? I mean, what’s the one thing that stands out above everything else?”
He looked to the floor, seemingly embarrassed by my question. He nodded and a smile stretched across his face before he looked up at me.
“She speaks to me with her eyes.”
His answer was a little vague, but having seen that look pass between them on occasion, I knew exactly what he meant and offered a knowing smile.
I nodded. “Thank you.”
“And she can’t keep her hands off me.”
“Go ahead, get out of here.” I shooed him toward the door and playfully added, “See you guys tomorrow.”
With another wave, he was gone.
I put my envy aside long enough to be genuinely happy for them. They live week to week, struggling for everything they have and yet not one of their dreams takes them past the edge of town. They find that to be enough and I find myself envying the simplicity of their lives.
I spent the rest of the day wandering. The habit of drifting aimlessly around the city was something Brian never understood and something that helped me to understand everything so much better. Gazing into store windows, listening to the sounds of busy people and traffic, and losing myself in the commotion made me realize that the world kept turning. It didn’t care about my problems and would throw me off before it would stop spinning.
It all seemed so simple and an outsider might think I was being overly dramatic in my attempt to do what I felt was right, but my insecure side always tugged the hardest. What if I’m making a mistake? Will this come to be one of my life’s biggest regrets? I’m closing in on another decade, what if I never find my ‘better half’; could I find happiness in a lifetime of loneliness? So many questions and only so many hours to stroll.
As always, I found myself wondering what Cory and Charlotte would do. Charlotte would have spent even more time than I had weighing the pros and cons, ultimately dumping Brian, content with her decision. Cory, on the other hand, would have had fun with him until he wasn’t fun anymore, ultimately replacing him before he even realized he’d been replaced.
I didn’t have Charlotte’s rigid discipline or Cory’s blithe approach toward life, making my decisions seemingly harder. I knew I had to face Brian when he returned, I knew it would be emotionally challenging and I knew I was going to obsess over it and question my decision until it was behind me. Knowing all of this, how could I possibly enjoy the party Cory and Charlotte had worked so hard to prepare? The idea of blinking my eyes and finding my self in another place when I opened them brought a smile to my face, if only for a fleeting moment.
~ ~ ~
It wasn’t often that the girls and I met at our café on a weekday, but today, I almost expected Cory’s early morning invitation. They knew the issues concerning Brian had been weighing heavily on my mind and in true friend fashion; they were there to ease my burden.
“So, are you getting excited?”
I wished I could force even a small amount of the excitement that radiated from Cory.
“I’m trying but I’m a little preoccupied with Brian coming home and what that implies.” Not wanting her to think I had no interest in the party, I added, “But, don’t worry, I’ll kick into fun mode once I’m there.”
“I hope so because right now you’re, like... a real downer, Meg. I think you’ve made the right decision though. I mean, if he’s got you this bummed before the ‘I do’s’...” Thinking better of continuing, Cory let her sentence dangle.
“I know you’re right. It’s just that even though in my heart I know I’m making the right decision, I get these stupid, nagging doubts that maybe I’m making a huge mistake.” I shrugged. “Overly cautious I guess—it’ll pass.”
A scheming look passed between Cory and Charlotte, before Charlotte said, “Yes it will. I predict that by seven o’clock tomorrow evening, Brain will be the last thing on your mind,
and...
” Raising an eyebrow, she continued, “And... I also predict that after tomorrow night, Brian will be no more than a chalk mark on the blackboard of life.”
I smiled in spite of myself. I didn’t ask what she meant partly because I knew she wouldn’t tell me anyway and partly because at this point, I wasn’t interested enough to ask. As removed as I felt from the thoughts of a party, I knew that once it started, I wouldn’t have to force a smile.
Charlotte reached over and took hold of my hand, biting down on her lower lip for several seconds before speaking.
“Meg, would you like us to be there tomorrow... when Brian gets back?”
I gave her hand a squeeze. “For moral support?”
“Of course.”
“And seeing him squirm would be the icing on the cake, right?”
“Of course.” She tried to hide her pleasure. “Actually, that would be my main reason for being there with moral support coming in a close second.”
“Ahh... brutal candor with a side of compassion...” I balled up my napkin, leaving it on my empty plate. “I think I’m going to have to do this alone.”
“Well, don’t let him put you in slumper before the party.” Cory insisted.
“Not a chance.” I laid my hand gently on her shoulder as I rounded the table. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow at... what? Four?”
“Wearing party smiles and carrying umbrellas!” Cory laughed.
I offered an apprehensive smile as I waved a last goodbye.
I spent the twenty-minute ride to Willoughby rehearsing what I would say when Gram asked me about Brian. I thought it might be a good idea to test her reaction before I made my announcement to everyone we knew. Of course, Brian would make me out to be the villain in front of our mutual friends and a part of me feels as though I deserve that. As badly as I feel for him, I know that sympathy isn’t enough to sustain a lasting relationship and I would be doing him a greater injustice to go ahead with our plans. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make it any easier and won’t justify my decision in his mind.
As I put the car in park, I smiled through my envy. I watched as my grandparents slowly swayed back and forth on a glider, hand in hand, the picture of contentment. Like Nelda and Marco, not a word had to pass between them for their hearts to communicate. Why couldn’t I find that?
“Hey you two, just taking it easy today?”
Gram offered a slight wave with her free hand.
“Just a breather between chores, Sugar,” Gramp said. “But, this is a nice surprise. Thought you’d be too busy with your party and all to make it out here anytime soon.”
My voice took on a defensive tone even though I knew he wasn’t being sarcastic. “I’m never too busy for you.”
Gramp slowly stood. “Nothing wrong with keeping busy.”
He straightened himself with the help of a nearby railing and I instinctively grimaced as a jolt of pain contorted his face. Gram motioned me into the house as Gramp leaned in to place a kiss on my cheek.
“I’ll leave you ladies to your gossip and Cybil... you mind your tongue.”
She shooed him with her hand, and mumbled, “Oh, you mind your manners.”
Offering him a look of mock annoyance, she pressed a hand against my back, aiding me through the open door.
Once in the kitchen, she put away several dishes that had been sitting on the counter and poured us each a glass of ginger ale before finally joining me at the table. She sat staring at the glass she clutched with both hands, as her fingernail slowly tapped a rhythmic beat on its edge.
“Gram, is something wrong?”
She stood and took several small steps to the door. Seemingly assured that we would not be disturbed, she hurried back to her chair and held my attention with her eyes for several seconds before speaking.
“Gayle died.”
I knew that my next words were a mistake as I said them, but it wasn’t enough to stop them from making their way out.
“Gramp’s Gayle?”
“Sweet bejesus child, what’s that old fool been filling your head with? I told you before, she was never his...” Her words trailed off and she suddenly grew pensive. “Oh, I do wonder what Joker will do now.”
Her concern for a man my grandfather hated seemed a little unusual, but I didn’t have the nerve to ask about something that didn’t concern me directly.
“Is there anything I can do for either of you?”
She gave my question brief thought. “No child, let the chips fall where they may.” She took a sip of her soda, and said, “Speaking of Karen, I hear she entertained you during your last visit.”
I looked at her curiously. It was obvious she was too preoccupied to focus on the conversation we were having, her mind running off in another direction.
Ignoring her error, I answered, “Uh... I did... she did entertain me, but I have to tell you, I wasn’t expecting it and it scared me.”
“Yes, Norma said. I was elated to hear of her progress, but then we got the news...” She stood and headed toward the window. “Oh, would you look at me, dwelling on the negative.” She turned to face me and offered one, confident nod of her head. “I’m delighted for my little girl and I’m not going to let anything or anyone ruin that.”
Gram was obviously preoccupied but did no more than skirt around it. I sensed that she didn’t want to go into detail and I didn’t ask. I was grasping for something to talk about that she could focus on, when my cell phone began to ring. Thankful for the interruption, I answered.
“Hello.”
“Hey babe. I’ve got a surprise for you.”
I cringed at the thought of Brian giving me another gift in light of my upcoming news.
“Really... wow... that’s great.” Glancing at Gram to find her listening intently, I asked, “I’m visiting with Gram now, can I call you later?”
“I can do better than that. We wrapped up early so I’ll be coming home tonight.”
Avoiding Gram’s curious stare, I turned my back to her and almost whispered, “Hey, that’s terrific... I guess I’ll see you then.”
I watched her eyebrows rise as I put the phone in my purse. Without hearing a single word, I knew what she was going to ask.
“No, I haven’t.” I stammered.
“Did I say anything?” As she poured her soda into the sink, she continued. “I’ve been wondering exactly when you plan on telling your fellow that you don’t want to marry him, but it’s none of my business. Who am I to tell you how you should do things...”
“Gram, I appreciate your concern but this time, well, it’s complicated.”
As Gram replaced the soda with an equal amount of vodka, she said, “Life is as complicated as we make it, dear.” She took a drink, holding it in her mouth for several seconds before swallowing. “You’re very much like your grandfather, you know. He’d rather answer maybe to every question rather than get one wrong. Meg, you can’t always drive the middle of the road.”
Gram had always spoken in riddles and on occasions like this, I found myself doing the same thing.
“I’m not looking to drive the middle of the road but I don’t want to make a wrong turn either.”
“A wrong turn can lead you to someplace wonderful.”
“Or to the gates of hell.” I lowered my head, embarrassed that Brian’s call had affected my mood.
Gram smiled sympathetically, which made me feel worse. “Child, look at what he’s doing to you. If you can fix it, fix it. And if you can’t fix it...” she threw a hand in the air, “...hell then, throw it away, it ain’t worth having.”
After several minutes of drawing invisible circles with my index finger, I said, “You’re right... I know you’re right. Gram, I know I have to tell him but I think it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“Child, I hate to tell you this,” She tipped back the remainder of vodka in her glass. “But it only gets harder.”
Twelve
...He whispered ‘I’m sorry’ into my ear before he began to weep into my hair. We sat for several minutes and tearfully shared the closest moments we would ever share again...
It was well past the stroke of midnight when Brian arrived home. I lay rigid in bed, pretending to be asleep and praying he wouldn’t try to wake me. He hummed loudly while he undressed, letting his clothes fall haphazardly to the floor. I monitored my breathing and bit down on the inside of my cheek, all the while keeping my eyes closed tightly. My heart hammered out of rhythm when his warm breath settled into my hair.
“You awake?”
My heart began to race but I silently counted seconds between each breath, hoping he gave up before he noticed my forced breathing. I could paint from memory the image of Brian anxiously waiting for me to offer as much as a encouraging flinch to his invitation. When he didn’t get the anticipated response, he fell into the bed, jerking the blanket to cover himself and I continued to lie quietly until I drifted off, uncovered and undisturbed.