Little Conversations (21 page)

“I don’t fuckin’ care what Ronin will or won’t do!” Jake
bellowed.  “I left her, Devin!  We had a fight… about you.  And I left
Melanie.  I left her for you.”

Nobody moved.  Nobody spoke.  Nobody breathed.
 

Devin stood frozen, astonished and rooted to the ground.
 She slowly shook her head from side to side.  “Jake, you left me.  I
loved you.  I would have done anything for you.  God, how could I trust you
again?”  Her eyes flicked back over to Ronin who only watched the exchange
with an unreadable glacial expression in his hazel eyes.  Kim looked
slightly confused, looking from Ronin to Jake and Devin, then back to Ronin.

“Devin,” Jake said, pulling her gaze back to his, taking a
step towards her, holding out his hand beseechingly.  “I never loved her like I
loved you.  She accused me of that today, and she was
right
!  So
I skipped school and drove here.  I had to see you because she was right.  She
was exciting and fun and new, but she was never you.  I want to be with
you.”

The room was silent as everyone watched the drama
playing out. 

Jake took another step towards her, his hands closed over
her shoulders as she looked at him incredulously.  “Devin, you’ve got to know… I
love you.  I never stopped loving you.  I
need
to be with you.”

Devin turned her head to Ronin again.  He looked long and
hard at Kim who stood beside him.  She stood almost as tall as him in her
heels.  She had long, wavy blonde hair and deeply tanned skin.  Her blue eyes gazed
tearfully back at him through her lashes.  Devin’s insecurities amplified,
constricting her throat as Ronin closed his eyes while he took a deep breath.  He
then scanned the faces in the room, stopping to focus on Jake for a moment.  Then
he turned to Devin and spoke in a serious and somber voice.

“He’s free.  The love of your life.  All yours again.”

Astounded, Devin’s mouth fell open.  It felt as though all
the air had suddenly left the room, leaving everyone breathless. 

Devin’s chest tightened.  “What?” she whispered. 

“He’s who you’ve always wanted,” Ronin gestured to Jake.  “He
and Melanie broke up.  That’s what you’ve been waiting for, isn’t it?”

Devin was shocked.  “He only wants me back because he saw me
getting close to you.”

“Whatever the reason, he’s here.  For you.  Your dream come
true.”

Devin’s eyes flicked over the blonde beauty at his side.  “And
Kim’s here…” she murmured.

Ronin nodded.  “Yeah… and Kim’s here.”  Kim eased closer to
Ronin, slipping her arm around his waist as a small tremulous smile lit her
face. 

Devin chewed at her lip and fought to breathe. 

“Sweetheart,” Ronin smiled coolly, “you know you don’t have
to stick around on my account.  We both know exactly what we’ve been doing.  Just
two people fucking around and biding our time because the people we really wanted
to be with didn’t want us back.”  He looked back to Kim and said, “Now they do.”
 

Kim smiled tearfully at him with a slight nod. 

Ronin looked back at Devin and exhaled in a harsh laugh.  “We
were nothing special.  We were never meant to last.  We’re friends, remember? 
Nothing more.”

Devin suddenly felt nauseous.  
The person he really
wants?  Nothing special?
 
Nothing more?
 Once again, she didn’t
measure up.  Once again, tall and blonde won out, was able to sweep away
everything she loved.  Her mind raced blindly, desperately searching his
expression for some hint of sentiment.  His words shredded her to the core. 

Yes, they had been friends.  And they had never said it was
more.  They had never said anything at all, really.  But, somehow, some part of
her had started thinking it might be… wishing it could be.  Looking at
beautiful Kim standing beside him, her ego tumbled into a downward spiral.  Her
self-confidence fled.  Evidently it was just her.  After everything, he still wanted
Kim.

Devin stood frozen in place, stunned and speechless.  She
wanted to scream at him, to demand that there was more to this, more to them.  With
every fiber of her soul, she wanted him to hold her and say that she had come
to mean
something
to him.  She ached to hear him say that maybe they did
have something.  That they were more than friends.  That there was a silver
lining in their fucked-up emotional cloud. 

But Ronin slid his arm around Kim’s shoulders.  The world
seemed to stop as Kim turned her head to smile triumphantly at her.  An icy
shield began to creep up through Devin.  Ronin had loved Kim.  Once upon a
time, he was going to marry her.  They were going to have a family.  He had
never really gotten over her.  And, really… why would he want a mousy little
thing like Devin when he had beautiful, blonde Kim? 

Devin couldn’t fight this battle again.  She had tried to
make something from nothing once before.  She had put her heart and soul into living
off the fantasy in her mind, and it had very nearly annihilated her as the
truth had collided with her again and again. 

Her eyes travelled across the room at the audience of
speechless partiers.  They stopped at Jake, and she remembered how pitiful she’d
been the last few months with him.  Begging.  Pleading.  Beseeching.  Taking
whatever scraps he threw at her.  Shamelessly waiting and hoping, only to be
heartbroken over and over. 

In that moment, the barest sliver of self-respect emerged,
and she furtively resolved not to lose herself again in that horrid codependent
need.  She was determined
not
to hang on until the bitter end, until all
her pride smooshed into a little puddle on the floor full of self-loathing and
shredded ego.  Not this time.  This time she would hold her head up, look Ronin
in the eye… and let him go. 

Even if it ripped her apart inside.

Despite her whisper of bravado, she couldn’t talk.  She
could feel a sob trying to claw its way from her chest, and her strength was
wavering.  Any sound that emerged from her throat was likely to crumble her.  So
she took one last look at Ronin, searching his face for the faintest hint that
this wasn’t all one-sided.  Desperately yearning for some little sign.  But witnessing
his impassive hazel gaze, his hand gently rubbing Kim’s bare shoulder, she took
a deep breath and forced a brittle smile.  With a ghost of a nod, she grabbed
her purse, walked out of the kitchen, and out the front door.

Her heart had completely and totally shattered.

As she quickly fled down the front steps, she realized
someone was behind her.  For a split second, her heart leapt. 
Ronin?
  She
turned and saw Jake instead.  All her emotion exploded.

“What the hell!?  What was that all about!?  You…
you
left
me
!  This was all over so long ago, and I was an idiot to keep on wanting
you.  You don’t get to do this to me anymore, Jake!  We are fucking done!”

“Devin, I—”  He stopped, and started again.  “Let me give
you a ride home.  We need to talk about this…”  

“No!” she screamed at him.  “No!  Fuck you!  I’ll walk!”  Devin
angrily marched down the driveway towards the street, past Jake’s truck.  At
the last second, she turned sharply back to him, pointing her finger in his
direction.  “Breaking up with me… that was the
best
thing you ever did
for me!  I don’t care if you are with Melanie or not!  I don’t want anything to
do with you.  I don’t ever want to see you or hear you, ever again.  JUST. GO.
AWAY!”

Devin walked home.  She unlocked her door and looked around
her little duplex as she dazedly flipped on all the lights.  A month or two ago,
in her melancholy, she saw traces of Jake.  Now she saw ghosts of Ronin. 
Everywhere.
 
The couch.  The kitchen.  The back porch.  The front door.  She stepped into her
bedroom for a moment remembering the last time Ronin had been there.  His fight
with Jake. 

And afterwards, their frantic kissing and touching and loving. 
Loving?
 
Not so much,
Devin supposed.

She couldn’t think about Ronin.  She had to figure out where
she went from here. 

Digging her phone out of her purse, she noticed a text from
Amy asking if she was okay.  She texted back quickly, knowing Amy would show up
before long if she didn’t.

Fine.  Home.  Going to head to bed.  Don’t worry. 

And then she sent a text to her cousin, Sorcha, after which she
grabbed her suitcase and began to pack.  Clothes.  Makeup.  Shoes.  Hair
products.  A few accessories.  A little of everything she’d need to get by for
a while.  Grabbing a few garbage bags from under her sink, she began bagging things
in her linen closet, all her blankets and towels.  She started a load of
laundry and piled the rest of her dirty clothes and linens in front of the
washing machine.  She began to take things off her walls, off her shelves.  She’d
get some boxes in the morning for the items she wanted to keep. 

Long into the night Devin worked.  Mechanically.  Somberly. 
Not crying, though.  She
would not
cry. 

When the sun rose, she drove her little Jetta to the grocery
store and picked up some boxes and newspapers.  Straight back home where she
packed any remaining items she wanted to keep.  She tossed a great deal and put
the other things in boxes to donate. 

At about eight-thirty, she received a text back from Sorcha.

Check your email.  Ticket info in there.  Monday it is.

Devin sighed thankfully and sent a reply.

Thanks.

She spent the rest of the day hauling the boxes containing
her few meager possessions to a storage unit, packing everything tightly into the
small space.  Her place began to empty out.  Nothing but the furniture
remained.  None of it was hers, as her duplex had been furnished when she moved
in.  She didn’t think she’d want it anyway, even if it were her own.  Ronin had
snuggled up with her on the couch.  He had held her and touched her and loved
her in the bed. 
No, not loved…
He still loved Kim.

We both know exactly what we are…

At around noon, she stopped by her landlord’s place and gave
him the next month’s rent, but also written notice that she’d be out at the
beginning of the week if he wanted to rent her duplex out right away.  She
called a cleaning lady to come in Monday afternoon to make sure she was leaving
the place cleaner than she found it.  Devin told her where the extra key was
hidden above the back door.  There would be a payment on the kitchen table, and
she could leave the key on the counter when she was done with the place. 

She called the utility companies and told them everything
would go back to the landlord after Monday.  She’d pay the bills online as soon
as they were available.

Taking a deep breath, she stopped in at the Sundowner,
feeling bad about not giving more notice.  But Margaret, her boss who had
become a motherly figure over the last few years, seemed to understand how
close she was to breaking.  In spite of the copious amounts of Visine that Devin
had poured into her bloodshot eyes.  In spite of the layered-on makeup to
detract from the gaunt appearance of her over-tired features.  In spite of the
extra time Devin had taken to carefully fix her hair.  Once again, she was
playing the role of someone who had their shit together.  But clearly, Margaret
saw through her polished exterior to see the anguish that churned inside.  Not
only had she been okay with the lack of notice, she gave her a parting gift of
$500.  “To help you get settled, sweetie.  Wherever you end up.”

When it was all said and done at the end of the day, Devin
spent her first Saturday night in weeks completely alone sitting in her bare
little duplex.  Everything had been packed away.  Only a sleeping bag and one
pillow on the bed.  No dishes in the cupboards.  No linens in the hall closet. 
No clothes in her bedroom with the exception of one comfortable, casual knit dress
hanging by a hook on the bedroom door.  She would wear it Monday with the pair
of comfortable sandals below it.  Her suitcase sat on the floor, full to the
gills for her trip to California. 

For a few moments, she imagined the wild bash that was
probably, at this very minute, filling Ronin’s little bachelor pad.  This time,
she couldn’t stop the tears that pricked at her eyes.  She could picture Joe’s eighties
and nineties eclectic mixture of music echoing through the house.  She wondered
if he was playing Van Halen or ACDC right now.  She could see people perched on
the couches and chairs, quarters dancing around the kitchen.  She could imagine
the party skanks looking for someone to latch onto.  She wondered if one of
them would latch onto Ronin, then morosely remembered. 

Kim was back. 

The house bunnies would be out of luck.  She forced herself
to stop thinking about it when she began to imagine him and Kim.  His
flirtatious smile.  His strong arms curving around her waist.  His firm and
gentle lips on Kim’s neck. 

Him leading Kim to his bedroom.

Devin turned off her light and lay down in the sleeping bag
on her bed.  Almost twenty-four hours to the minute after Ronin had set her
straight, exhausted by the physical strain of the day, the emotional havoc of
last night, and an overall lack of sleep, Devin finally allowed herself to cry. 
Wretched sobs and a flood of tears.  Her heart felt shriveled in her chest.  Her
whole body ached.  She let it all out, conceded to her hurt, and wept for what
seemed like forever.  As her tears began to subside, her exhausted body slipped
into unconsciousness. 

Tomorrow, she’d call Joanie at school and let her know.  She’d
call Amy to see if she could drive her to Bozeman to catch her flight the next
morning. 

Monday… she’d be gone.