Little Conversations (22 page)

The plane touched down in San Diego.  Devin watched out
the window as they taxied in.  She smelled the salty sea air the minute the
door opened.  She followed the trail of passengers as they disembarked and
wound their way to the baggage claim.   An email from Sorcha had indicated she
would be able to pick up the keys to the beach house from a neighbor.  Sorcha
had flown out earlier this morning.  She was sad to have missed her, but Devin
had actually planned it this way.  Her initial email, knowing Sorcha had to
leave Monday morning, simply said:

I can leave Monday.

She didn’t want Sorcha to see her so beaten down. 

The days faded into one another.  Sunrises and sunsets.  Watching
the waves roll in. 

Devin replayed the past few weeks in her mind, over and
over.  The sweetness of those little conversations late at night in Ronin’s
room.  And the agony when it all came crashing down around her. 

Ronin. 

The people we really want to be with…

Jake had tried to call a few times, leaving voicemails
pleading to talk.  Devin didn’t answer or respond.  All the love she once felt
for Jake was now reduced to annoyance, practically revulsion.  Anger with the
way he so easily fucked things up all over again.  But maybe he had actually
done her a favor.  Ronin had all too quickly become so vital to her.  His warm smile. 
His joking nature.  His sweet protectiveness.  But she hadn’t been so important
to him.  And then?  Kim.

Just friends, remember?  Nothing more.

She could still see the shock on Ronin’s face when he realized
Kim was standing in his kitchen with tears in her beautiful eyes.  The turbulent
emotion that had radiated from him still rocked her senses. 

Joanie and Amy had called a few times.  Checking to make
sure she had made it okay.  Wanting to know if she needed anything.  Wondering
when she was coming back.

Maybe never. 

She had no path, no plan.  Sorcha’s for a couple weeks, and
then?  Who knew.

Joanie was doing well at school.  Devin heard all about
Joanie’s new roomie, who was no way near as fun as Devin.  Joanie talked about the
classes and the parties and the hot guys on campus.  She avoided discussing
Jake and Melanie.  She avoided discussing Ronin even more.  Joanie could
evidently hear the sadness reverberate through the phone, though.  Every so
often, she’d ask, “So, are you okay?”  

“I’m fine,” Devin reassured her.  “Really, I am.  I just… I
can’t be there anymore.”

Then she called Amy, who was terrified that she was going to
be terribly lonely and bored now that both her best friends were gone.  She
missed Devin fiercely and made her promise repetitively that she’d stay in
close touch.  Amy was planning to visit Joanie at school during the upcoming
weekend.  She chattered on about the plans they had before asking Devin the
dreaded question.  “How are you doing, really?”

Devin took a deep breath, steeling herself to answer.  “I’ll
be okay, Amy.  This isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever been through.”

Liar,
she thought to herself.  Even with Jake, as
much as it had hurt to see things ending, she had never felt worthy of him.  She
had never really felt as though he was tied to her, only that she wanted him. 
And his continued emotional abuse throughout the years had left her just
slightly relieved to finally see things really truly end.  Finally, she was
free of the mind games and the feeling of walking on pins and needles.

But Ronin?

Ronin had made her feel loved.  Cherished.  Worshipped. 

Just two people fucking around, biding our time because the
people we really wanted to be with didn’t want us back…

In his mind, they’d been ‘fucking around,’ but in hers, he’d
been her solid ground.  In the short few weeks they’d spent together, he’d
become the star on the horizon that had gently kept her centered.  The warm
comfort in a storm.  The fragment of kindness in what had been for so long an
unkind world. 

Devin drove Sorcha’s car to the beach every evening, to the
bluff where she used to go with her parents as a kid.  Families would be
playing in the sand below her, slowly starting to clear out as the sun began to
dip into the ocean.  She missed her Montana sunsets, as there was something
about the mountain air that made them so incredibly spectacular, but this was a
close second.  The scattered clouds and haze from the smog cast a warm glow
across the sky.  For a few moments, she was able to catch just a small taste of
peace. 

She also had Sorcha’s little black Pom-Chi for company. 
Lancôme.  Leave it to a model to name a dog after makeup.  She once had a cat
named Estée Lauder. 

Lancôme liked to snuggle, which was nice.  She barked at
everything, which was not.  Every seagull that landed near the deck, every
jogger running along the beach made her bark.  But, she was a living soul that
tempered Devin’s loneliness.  It gave her a focus, aside from Sorcha’s
houseplants that Devin was trying desperately
not
to kill. 

They walked on the beach, they hiked in the hills—small hikes
for a small dog.  Devin’s energy was diminished and physical strain was not
appealing, so this worked well for her.  She spent darkened evenings in the hot
tub sunken into Sorcha’s deck, watching the moonlit waves roll onto the beach
as the stars did their best to peek through the clouds and the smog.  Lancôme
would stand guard beside her head, occasionally turning to affectionately lick random
tears that spilled down Devin’s face. 

Devin still had no idea what was next.  When Sorcha came
back in another week or so, if she hadn’t decided, she’d throw a dart at a
map.  She still had the money she’d been saving for school.  Maybe she should
apply somewhere else.  Look into starting someplace in the spring.  She still
had no idea what she wanted to do, but she could start with general education courses
until something sparked her interest. 

And so, this became Devin’s life for a short time.  The
world continued to turn.  Life went on around her. 

The bar was packed, as usual on a Friday night.  Ronin sat
nursing his beer, also very much the norm these days.  Joe and Shane mingled
with the other patrons of the bar.  Matt and Amy danced out on the floor.  Ronin
had managed to avoid contact with Shane’s little sister since that awful
night.  It felt strange seeing Amy without Joanie and Devin. 

Devin.  

He had to stop thinking about her.

He had to stop remembering the salty taste of her tears when
they last kissed.  Right after he had held her and loved her.  He had to
forget the excruciating torment that had radiated from her while she lay there
in his arms. 

Had she been crying for Jake?  Still? 

His gut twisted as he recalled pulling her closer to him,
wanting to reassure her.  Wanting to love her, to tell her he loved her, to
spill out his heart… but afraid of her response.  Afraid of her feelings for
Jake.

Apparently, his doubts were well-founded.  After all, she
had left with Jake that night. 

Seeing Kim had been shocking to him.  The disbelief shook
him when he walked out of his room and saw her standing there.  A moment of
anger that she would just show up like that.  Then the panic struck.  His
anxious mind raced desperately, wondering how she would try and fuck things up
for him and Devin.  Kim was heartless.  Cold.  Calculating.  She had used her
looks and her innocent blue eyes to sway him before, but, in hindsight, she had
always been so manipulative.

And then, like a perfect storm, Jake had shown up.  Wanting
Devin back, just like she’d always dreamed.  She’d always told him this would
happen.  Her love for Jake was so strong that it had brought him back to her.  Ronin’s
chest ached as he closed his eyes, still seeing the distressed expression on
her face.  Still feeling the turmoil emanating from her.  He knew she didn’t
want to hurt him.  He knew she cared for him to a certain extent.  Devin wasn’t
the type to do what she’d done with him if she didn’t. 

But they had only ever said they were friends. 

With a cold emptiness, Ronin had stood there watching as
tears had filled Devin’s eyes when Jake appeared before her.  In that moment,
he had realized there was no choice.  His soul cried out to beg her to stay
with him, to
not
leave with Jake.  But their riveted audience and his fragment
of pride kept him rigid.  His heart squeezed as he thought of her making a conscious
decision to run back to Jake yet again.  To choose Jake over him. 

So he’d taken the choice away from her.  He had given her an
out.  His had slipped his arm around Kim’s shoulders, and that was all Devin
had needed.  A cold smile and a nod, and she was out the door.  Jake had
followed her outside, and a few moments Ronin had heard Jake’s pickup pull
away.  He hadn’t seen her since. 

Her little duplex was empty when he’d driven past a few days
later.  She must have moved to be with him at school. 

Just like that… she was really, truly gone. 

As soon as Devin had walked out his door, he’d brushed off
Kim and went into his room, locking the world away.  He didn’t want to see
anyone.  He certainly didn’t want to see Kim.  He’d lain down on his bed where he
could still smell Devin in his blankets.  Only a few moments before, she had
been there.  She had been holding him, touching him, kissing him… thinking of
Jake.

Kim stayed in town for a few days, calling a few times to
ask if she could see him.  She’d said she had missed him on the messages she
left.  Ronin answered once to tell her not to call again.  Then he’d hung up. 
He didn’t want to talk to her.  He didn’t want to see her.  For all he’d
thought he’d felt for her so long ago, it hadn’t been a hair’s breadth of what
he’d felt with Devin. 

The night Devin left was rough.  Saturday was excruciating. 
Party skanks took full advantage of Devin’s absence to smother him with
affection.  They lowered their necklines and shortened their skirts.  Their
heels got sluttier, as did their behavior.  Again, he’d barricaded himself in
his room, alone.  A couple weeks later, and things were still exactly the
same.  Ronin dreaded the weekends these days.  Life was so much easier on the
job site.  He could occupy his mind and keep busy. 

Unlike now, watching Amy and Matt dancing in the crowd as
Shane kept a close eye on his little sister.  Joe and Shane had cajoled him
into coming out after they got back from the mountains today.  Obviously
concerned for his sanity, they thought maybe stopping at the bar would help
break his pathetic melancholy.  But the band was the same that had been here a
few weeks before, and their sound brought back the feeling of Devin in his
arms.  The taste of Devin on his lips.  The smell of her in his nostrils and
the sound of her voice softly telling him the stories about the stars.

He had to get out of here.

He sucked down the rest of his beer and stood, turning to
Joe.  “I’m heading home.”

Joe nodded in understanding. 

Ronin stepped outside and rounded the corner to his truck
parked along the side street next to the bar.  A couple was deeply enthralled
in some serious mashing out up against the building, and Ronin averted his
eyes, trying to un-see what he’d just seen. 
But, wait…
 Ronin froze.

Jake? 

And that leggy blonde trampy thing he was with was certainly
not
Devin.

Ronin stormed over and pulled Jake away from the girl.  “You
fucking ass!” he bellowed.  “What the fuck is wrong with you?  Where the fuck
is Devin!?”

“Jesus, Ronin!  Calm down,” Jake said, taking a few steps
back.  “Don’t fucking hit me again.  I’m not doing anything wrong.”

“What the hell do you call this!?” Ronin yelled, pointing
his thumb over his shoulder at the Barbie girl who was pulling her skirt back
down to a semi-respectable length.  He grabbed Jake by the shoulders and pushed
him up against the brick wall of the building.  “You won’t ever fuckin’ learn,
will you!?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jake sputtered.  “What,
do you want this one too?  Because she’s still in high school.  I think she’s a
little young for you, Ronin!”

Ronin stared at Jake, his chest heaving with anger and
frustration as he grabbed Jake’s shirt in clenched fists.  “No, you little
fucker.  WHERE. THE. FUCK. IS. DEVIN!?”  With each word, he pulled Jake forward
and slammed him back against the wall.

“Hell if I know!” Jake threw back at him, his brave words
belying the fear in his eyes.  “I haven’t seen her in weeks.  Not since the
night you threw her out of your house.”

The words took a second to permeate Ronin’s brain.  His
heart literally stopped beating, and his breath caught in his throat. 

“What?” he croaked as he lifted Jake by the front of his
shirt, pushing him even harder into the wall.