Little Darlings (27 page)

I don't tell anyone at school. I wear my black T-shirt and jeans and mittens day after day. I wash them out at night and hang them over the towel
rail in my bathroom. I don't concentrate in class. I compose new songs instead. I am especially pleased with
In My Black Clothes
.

I am in my black clothes,
I wear the colour of death.
I sob, I sigh, I wonder why
I go on drawing breath.
Nobody loves me, nobody cares,
I wander the world alone.
I cannot eat, I cannot drink,
Cannot talk on the phone.
I hold my tongue and close my eyes,
I shut my mouth up tight.
I am in my black clothes –
Won't someone see my plight?

I write it down in my school jotter and then tear it out, ready to stick in my blue velvet notebook tonight. But the song flutters out as I trudge to the classroom door when the lunch-time bell goes, and my teacher, Lucy, picks it up. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

She glances at it and then stares at me. She's looking anxious. ‘What's this, Sunset?'

‘Nothing, Lucy,' I say stupidly.

‘Did
you
write this? It's very disturbing.'

I see Sheba nudge Lila.

‘Wonky Gob's written a dirty poem!' she says delightedly.

‘Read it out, Lucy!' Sheba begs.

‘Go on, give us a treat,' says Lilac.

Lucy holds my page up.
Oh God, please don't let her read it aloud. They will all laugh at me and I will die
.

‘I can't read it out, it's too private,' says Lucy

This makes them giggle even more.

‘Lucy means it's too rude.'

‘Get old Wonky Gob! I didn't think she had it in her.'

‘I think it would be a good idea if you both went and had your lunch,' says Lucy.

The teachers don't believe in direct commands, but Lucy gets her point across and they drift off. I try to go too, but she calls me back.

‘Sunset, I think we need a little talk. Come and sit down, dear.'

‘Please could I have my song back?' I mumble.

‘Yes. Yes, of course. So it's a song, is it? How does the tune go?'

I shrug my shoulders, though I've worked it out in my head. It's very high and insistently rhythmic, a bit like a religious chant.

‘It's very
good
,' Lucy says.

I can't help feeling pleased, even though this is so humiliating.

‘But it's very, very sad. Do you
feel
very, very sad, Sunset?'

‘No, I'm fine,' I say.

She's still looking worried. ‘I know you haven't got many friends at school just yet,' she says tentatively.

‘I don't
want
friends,' I lie. ‘I like to be by myself.'

‘But it can be very lonely sometimes. And I know you say you're fine, but you
seem
sad. I could suggest to a couple of girls that they be specially kind to you for a few days—'

‘Not Sheba and Lilac!'

‘No, I don't think that would be a good idea,' Lucy concedes. ‘But two of the others, maybe?'

‘No. Please. I'm totally fine,' I say, agonized.

‘How are things at home?' Lucy asks, trying another tack.

‘They're fine too,' I lie. ‘Please can I go and have my lunch now, Lucy?'

I get away from her, unable to bear the thought of telling her that my dad's walked out and my mum keeps crying and I don't know what to do. She finds out anyway, because the head of the Infants has a word with Claudia. Poor Sweetie has wet herself in class and is terribly upset about it. They've put her in dry knickers and given her a
little plastic carrier bag containing the wet ones. It's like Sweetie's banner of shame and she's scarlet in the face. Ace is hot and flustered too – he's been in a fight.

‘So I had to tell the teacher that things were . . . very disturbed . . . at home. I didn't want Ace to get into trouble when it isn't really his fault,' says Claudia. ‘He's just upset. I'm sure he didn't really mean to bite that other little boy.'

‘Yes I did,' says Ace. ‘I'm Tigerman and I go round biting all the bad people.'

He roars and pretends to bite Sweetie. She'd normally simply give him a shove, but she shrinks away from him now, looking woebegone. I try to give her a cuddle, but she hunches up, thumb in her mouth. She kicks the bag with her wet knickers to the other side of the car.

‘Not near me! I don't like smelly wet knickers!' Ace yells meanly, because they're inside the bag and don't smell at all.

Sweetie bursts into tears.

‘Don't cry, Sweetie,' I say. ‘Anyone can have an accident. Ace wets himself heaps of times, you know that.'

‘No I don't!' Ace roars.

‘He's only little so it doesn't count,' Sweetie sobs mournfully.

‘Darling, it truly doesn't matter,' says Claudia. ‘Goodness, I've wet my wretched knickers in my time.'

‘But not in front of everyone,' says Sweetie. ‘I didn't even know it was going to happen. I was feeling sad because we were all talking about our daddies, and then
whoosh
, it just came out! They all saw because it made a puddle and they
laughed
at me. You won't tell Mummy, will you, Claudia?'

‘Well, perhaps Mummy needs to know you've had an unhappy day, darling,' says Claudia uneasily.

We drive along the road towards our house. There are a couple of photographers waiting as Claudia struggles to get the car through the security gates. They click and flash at us through the windows, though Claudia shouts at them angrily. Ace pulls faces at them through the window but Sweetie shrinks away in terror.

‘They'll see I've got the wrong knickers on! They'll guess I've wet myself! Oh help me, help me, they're
looking
!' she whimpers.

‘Don't be silly, Sweetie, they can't possibly tell,' I say, wondering what the paps are doing back outside our house. They haven't waited there for years. Perhaps Dad's come back and Mum was waiting on the doorstep with open arms, and
they've photographed the reunion, and now Mum and Dad have fallen in love all over again and are already planning to renew their wedding vows?

I don't think so. There's no sign of Dad indoors. Mum is up now, stamping around the house, closing all the curtains so the photographers can't get any pictures with long-range cameras.

‘They know already,' she says, calling them very rude names. She's got a glass of wine in her hand, carrying it wherever she goes. She keeps spilling it and then refilling it. She gives Sweetie a kiss and ruffles Ace's hair distractedly but barely listens when Claudia tells her about school.

‘Never mind, never mind. I've got more important things to worry about now,' says Mum. ‘Take the children off for their tea, Claudia, for God's sake. I've got a splitting headache.'

‘If you keep on drinking like that you'll only make it worse,' Claudia mutters as she drags Sweetie and Ace away upstairs for a wash.

I go over to Mum, who's now lying on the sofa, her hand over her eyes. I sit down on the sofa beside her.

‘Sunset! You're pulling the cushion lopsided. Please go and have your tea.'

‘I could massage your poor head, Mum, and try to make it better. Look, like this.' I touch her
gently on the temple but she swats my hand away.

‘I know you mean well, Sunset, but for pity's sake,
leave me alone
.'

So I stand up and slope off. I notice a little torn-up scattering of newspaper in the corner. It's just little bits so it's impossible to piece together, but I know what to do now. Up in my room I google Dad's name and the tabloid on my computer, and a photo of Dad flashes onto the screen – Dad and Big Mouth.

Dad is wearing a ridiculous cowboy hat tipped at a silly angle. He's got one hand up making a peace sign. His other arm is round Big Mouth's shoulders. She's staring up at him, her mouth very big and black in the photo. She's wearing tiny shorts that wouldn't even fit Sweetie, and very high heels. The caption reads:
Danny Kilman and his new friend Lizzi Shaw leaving Beaches nightclub at 2 a.m. Danny and Lizzi met on the set of their new film
Milky Star.
Danny insists they're just good mates – but they were seen getting very close and personal in the VIP section of Beaches earlier in the evening. Tut tut, Danny! Up to your old ways?

I put my hand over Lizzi Big Mouth, blotting her out. I stare hard at Dad.

‘You
can't
just go off with her, Dad,' I whisper.
‘What about Mum and Sweetie and Ace and me?'

Dad stares back, making his silly sign, tipping his hat, not caring. Is this it? Isn't he
ever
coming back?

It doesn't look like it. He stays away all week. Every day when I Google the tabloids there are new pictures of Dad and Lizzi reeling out of different clubs and restaurants, climbing into cars, even buying bags of sweets and chocolates in a late-night shop like a pair of greedy children.

Dear Destiny,
I wonder if you've seen the photos of our father in the papers? It is so awful. He has gone off with this horrible actress, Lizzi. She is only eight years older than me. She is young enough to be Dad's daughter too. No, she could be his GRAND-daughter. You should be glad Dad's not part of your life. I hate him. But I also miss him. It's so awful that he seems to have forgotten us altogether. Mum keeps crying, and don't tell anyone but she's drinking all the time too, and last night she was sick on the stairs. She told our housekeeper, Margaret, that it was Ace who'd been sick, which was really mean, but Margaret didn't believe her and they had a big row.

It is so horrible here now. Everyone is so cross and unhappy. Sweetie has all these wonderful new toys – a doll as big as herself and a shop with real sweets, but she doesn't play with them much – and Ace keeps breaking all HIS toys.

I'm too old for toys of course. Well, I did try to play with my doll's house – you know, the one I keep in my wardrobe. I rearranged all the furniture and tried making new clothes for all the little teddies and people, but then I got fed up. What I mostly do now is write songs. They're not very good – in fact they're total rubbish, but I like doing it. There's one sad one I think you might like. It's called ‘In My Black Clothes'. I've written it out for you on a separate sheet. I copied you. I wear black clothes now. I hope you don't mind.

I do hope your concert went well. I wish I could have been there too. I am so glad you're my sister.
Love from Sunset

Destiny wrote back to me immediately.

Dear Sunset,
I can't believe Danny could do this. Mum says she's sure it's just a temporary mad fling and
he'll soon see he's made a BIG mistake and come running back. Yes, we've seen the photos in the paper and can't understand it. This Lizzi isn't even very pretty. Your mum is heaps prettier (and if I'm saying this it must be true, because I've no reason to like your mum seeing as she was so rude to me and MY mum.)

Mum says Danny is a family man at heart and wouldn't ever walk out on you permanently. I said he didn't mind walking out on US, but Mum says that's not fair, he didn't even know I existed until that day at the premiere of Milky Star. Well, he does now, and yet he still doesn't seem at ALL interested – quite the opposite in fact, so I hate him too sometimes. I think he's MAD. Mum bought Hi! Magazine this week, and we've pored over it for hours. Danny and your mum look so HAPPY together. We can't believe they can have split up so soon. We've worked it out – it must have been that very night. What a terrible thing to have happened on Sweetie's birthday! We couldn't believe the photos of all the presents, the huge doll and the shop, and Sweetie looked so lovely in her posh party dress. I wish there'd been more photos of YOU. You're just on the edge in the family picture and I can't spot you at all in the rest of
the party photos. I'll tell you something silly my mum did. She cut out a photo of me and stuck it beside you in the little gap on the sofa, like I was really part of the family too.

I have been soooo worried about my mum. She got so thin and ill and was acting a bit crazy at times, but we've found out she's got HYPERTHYROIDISM (I looked it up in a medical book in the library) and she's been to the hospital to get her blood tested and now she's on a special medication called THIONAMIDE and it's going to make her better.

I dedicated my song to her when I sang at the talent contest. The afternoon concert was a bit rubbish because the kids on the panel didn't reckon me, but I WON the evening contest. And I don't want to boast but I got four tens, the top mark!!!

I'm enclosing a DVD of the concert. I'm right at the end. You might want to fast-forward lots of it, but the leader in the first act, the dark good-looking boy, he's called Jack and he's started to hang out with me. He comes calling for me in the morning and walks me through the estate to school, and then sometimes he comes back with me after school and I make
him some tea and stuff. He's not like a BOYFRIEND, just a friend. If you want to check out my worst enemy, watch out for the girl in shiny white leggings (yuck!) in the middle of the DVD, doing this weird acrobatic dance.

I think you're amazing writing your own songs!!! ‘In My Black Clothes' is soooo good. I've learned all the words. Maybe I could sing it some day?!? I wouldn't have the first idea how to write a song. You've obviously inherited Danny's talent, though you probably won't like me saying that just at the moment. I do hope things are back to normal when you get this letter. Mum sends her love to you, and like I said before, she says she's sure Danny will come back soon.
Love from Destiny xxx

Dad comes back on Saturday afternoon, when he's been gone exactly a week and we've broken up from school. Claudia's out buying stuff at the offlicence for Mum. Sweetie hears his car outside and goes running to the door.