Shay
Crossroads
Bebe and I don’t talk about what happened with Creepy Spencer. We’re both thinking about it though. He reminded us how easily our lives can be ruined. We won, mostly because he didn’t intend to kill me while I was perfectly okay with killing him. I guess we won because I was colder than a pervert. Ford proved to be the coldest of all.
“I think I might go back to Hawthorne and see my brothers.”
Bebe and I sit on the front porch watching Lula chase autumn leaves swirling around the yard. The sun feels good today as the season grows colder. I know the weather won’t be so chilly in Georgia.
“Are you coming back?” she asks.
Wrapping my arms around me, I shrug. “I don’t know. I love Ford, but I don’t think he can love me. There’s stuff I like about Little Memphis, but other things that I don’t think I can handle. I’m confused about the right answer. I came here because of a moment of weakness. Choosing to leave isn’t as easy.”
Bebe leans her head against my shoulder. “What’s so great about Hawthorne that you can’t find here?”
Smiling slightly, I take her hand. “When I’m here with you and Darby or out with the girls, I feel like this place is a paradise I never knew before. It’s much better than Hawthorne. Then I think about my brothers and feel like I need to return to that life.”
“What about Ford?”
Sighing, I imagine his handsome face. “I love him so much, but he won’t let me say the words. He’s everything I want and I know I could learn to be strong for him. Ford cares about me, but I don’t if he’ll ever let himself feel more. Ford can’t have that kind of weakness in his life.”
Pausing, I smile at Lula’s laughter as she catches a leaf. “Jenn says she can find me another guy. Says I could date dozens and find someone new. I know logically what Ford and I share is only a few weeks out of my life. My heart doesn’t give a shit. Ford made me his. I belong to him. I don’t know what the hell to do.”
“Leaving makes sense. Logic doesn’t mean S H I T. I used logic with Howie, thinking I was special because of he bought me stuff and said nice things. My heart felt nothing for him and my gut sensed he was a nasty F U C K E R. My head talked me into trusting him. That’s why dumb girls shouldn’t listen to their heads.”
We share a smile and I know she’s right. I’m the kind of girl who can talk herself into anything. Logic says my home is in Hawthorne. Logic says Little Memphis offers me more. Logic isn’t my friend, but my heart isn’t much help either.
My brothers or Ford. Who do I choose and who do I abandon?
Later, Ford picks me up from the house. We ride in the dark towards his house and I think about how much this man means to me. The feel of Ford’s leather jacket against my cheek is perfection. His strong heart beating is the sound of home. Yet I can see myself returning to Hawthorne.
“Close your eyes,” Ford says over his shoulder while we’re at a light, “and keep them closed until I tell you otherwise.”
This bizarre request from anyone else would make me hesitate. With Ford, I close my eyes and trust in him.
We ride for a short while more then the Harley does circles in a small area. I don’t open my eyes even though I’m nervous now. Inhaling Ford’s spicy scent, I think about how much I’ll miss him. I also wonder how long it’ll be before he no longer misses me.
Ford stops the Harley and the engine cuts off. I wait for him to tell me I can open my eyes. A moment passes where the only sounds are strangled cricket chirps. The cold keeps them from singing. I’m not enjoying the chill either.
“Open your eyes.”
Ford climbs off the Harley and I follow him. We’re parked in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. The night is pitch dark except for the Harley’s headlight.
“Do you know where we are?”
“My resting place?”
Ford cups my cheek and smiles. “This is a crossroads, darling. It’s called an analogy. I learned about it in high school.”
“What’s the point though?”
Ford shoves his hands into his pockets and loses his smile.
“One road will take you back to town and the other direction will take you to the next town. The other road will take you to two versions of nowhere. Out here, you can’t see which way is which. In fact, you’ll ride for a while before you know if you’ve taken the right road.”
“Continue,” I say, imitating him by shoving my cold hands into my pockets.
“You’re at a crossroads. You can go back to Hawthorne. You can probably get your job back and support your family again. You can make things the way they were with your mom and brothers. Maybe you’ll be happy. Maybe you won’t. No way to be sure.”
Ford glances up at the starless night. “Or you can stay here where you made friends and have a decent job. You can move your brothers to Little Memphis and build something here, but there are no guarantees things won’t turn to shit.”
Ford focuses his gaze on me. “I know from what you’ve told me that you lost nothing coming here besides your brothers. You didn’t have any friends worth mentioning. You said you didn’t like stripping except for the money. What are you really running back for besides your brothers who you can move here?”
“My mom won’t leave her man. Even if I promised she could sit on her ass all day and I’d take care of everything, she won’t come.”
“I’m not talking about bringing her, just your brothers.”
Ford walks around behind me and presses his body against mine.
“You tell Mom that you know she needs a break,” he says in a soft, seductive voice. “She was so young when she had you. The boys need so much attention. She never has any time for her man, so why not let you take the boys for a while. Tell her the schools where you live are nice. They can finish out the year then stay the summer. Let her have a break and get her life together. She can enjoy being without kids for the first time in twenty years.”
I lean back at him and imagine saying the words to my mother.
“What about when she wants them back?”
“I bet you anything she never does. Oh, she’ll keep saying how in a few months she’ll send for them, but the time will never come. You just tell your brothers the truth and tell your mom what she wants to hear. It’s what I did with my mom.”
Resting against him, I’m too confused to decide. Hawthorne feels safe, but Ford feels like mine.
“You have real friends here,” he murmurs in my ear. “Darby, Jenn, Lucky, Bebe, these people care about you. They see you as irreplaceable. You think anyone besides your little brothers feels that way about you in Hawthorne?”
“I’m scared here.”
“Because you see the evil here like you didn’t in Hawthorne. I know stuff about your hometown and it wasn’t safe either. I won’t lie and say you won’t run into another Creepy Spencer or that this place isn’t fucking nuts at times. I will say here you matter to people and I don’t think you do in Hawthorne.”
Turning around to face him, I frown. “When you said all the reasons to stay, you didn’t say anything about you.”
Ford sighs and steps back. “I don’t want you to think this talk is all about me getting what I want. We both know I don’t want you to leave. There’s more in Little Memphis than me.”
Studying him, I drop the walls and put my heart on the line.
“I’m in love with you,” I say and his expression hardens. “There’s a million reasons why I shouldn’t love you and I know your life is dangerous. I love you anyway.”
“You want me to say the words now, right?”
“Only if they’re real for you. Not if you’re just looking for me to stay. If you say them and don’t mean them, it’ll break my heart and I’ll hate you. So don’t say anything you don’t really feel. I’d rather you hurt me now when I have a tiny bit of protection than lying and making me believe a lie.”
Ford scratches at his beard and gives me a look like I’m busting his balls.
“What if I put my shit on the line and you bail?” he asks. “You’ve been ready to bolt to Hawthorne since we met. Every time shit goes wrong, you want to leave.”
“Don’t make me the asshole here, just because you’re scared to trust someone who isn’t Pax.”
Ford gives me a little grin. “If I trust you like I do him and you ditch me, I’ll hunt you down. I know that’s fucking psycho, but that’s what you’re unleashing if we drop the fantasy and make this real.”
“If you ever cheat on me, I’m trashing your precious Harley. Sure, that’s psycho, but I’ll do it.”
Ford caresses my cold cheek. “I always figured I’d cheat if I had a girlfriend, but you’re the only pussy I want.”
Rolling my eyes, I walk to the Harley. “Your crossroads analogy was entertaining and I know you’re right that running back to Hawthorne is a chickenshit move. The plan with my mom will work, so thank you for that. With that said, I admitted I love you and you’re talking about my pussy. I’d rather you just say nothing.”
Ford exhales hard, again pretending he’s the victim of my woman’s drama. He joins me at the Harley and strokes my lower lip.
“I love you. You know I do,” he says softly. “Everyone fucking knows. It’s one of those poorly kept secrets in Little Memphis that everyone is whispering about.”
Ford shoves his hands into his hair and glances down one of the empty roads. “I don’t know when it happened. I can’t even remember not feeling this way, so maybe I loved you right away or maybe I just can’t think of you without feeling that way. I don’t know. Love isn’t my deal. I don’t even know if I love my mom. There’s just you, Pax, and the damn dog.”
Smiling, I grip at his jacket. “I’m in good company.”
“The fantasy felt good, Shay,” he says, looking me in the eyes. “I don’t know why we have to let go of it.”
“Because it’s a lie. When I was fighting that asshole, I didn’t think of my brothers. The only person I wanted to see was you. The fantasy was bullshit after that and I want real. Loving you is real.”
Ford gives me a little smile. “I’m keeping you then?”
“Is that really a question?”
“I’ve been chasing you or waiting for you to run since the beginning. I want to know you’re mine.”
“If I run, what will you do?”
“Chase you,” he says, leaning his forehead against mine. “Catch you and make you stay. I guess, I answered my question.”
“I’m still afraid,” I whisper. “That’s normal, right?”
“Afraid of what happened with Creepy or afraid of what’s happening with me?”
“I’ve never been even a tiny bit afraid of you,” I lie.
Ford grins. “Do you have ice in your veins, darling?”
“Please, kiss me before I start crying.”
His lips on mine immediately, I breathe him in. My arms wrap around Ford, his arms around me. We go from two people to a single person, existing as one.
Ford ends the kiss before returning for another. After a few false starts, he pulls away just enough to stare into my eyes. He wants to say something, but holds back.
“It’s getting cold,” he mutters instead. “Fortunately, I know which road takes us back to Little Memphis.”
I climb on behind Ford and rest my cheek against his back. The ride back feels shorter, but I pay no attention to where he’s taking me. I am replaying Ford’s sexy lips saying he loves me. By the time we arrive at his house, I’m wearing a big dopey grin.
I struggle to control it while climbing off the bike. Ford stops me before we get inside. His gaze shifts from me to the street to the front porch then back to me. I sense he’s nervous, making me nervous.
“This is real now, right?” he says, frowning.
Staring up at him, I nod. Ford glances around again, definitely nervous.
“You get your brothers out here and I’ll help you raise them. Help keep them out of trouble and pay for crap.”
“Are you sure? I only ask because you don’t look sure.”
“It’s a lot of responsibility and I’m lazy.”
Knowing he’s lying, I grin. “You don’t have to do anything for them.”
“I do love you. You’re an extension of me now.” Ford grins when I frown at his wording. “I just mean if I want to be happy that I need you to be happy. We’re a package deal. Your brothers are my problem now too. I just don’t really trust my skills when it comes to keeping people out of trouble. I mean I didn’t do it with Pax.”
“You kept him out of jail and the morgue. That’s something,” I say, placing my hand on his chest. “My brothers never had a man in their life. Their dad doesn’t care about them. He has kids with his wife and those are the ones he cares about. Any attention you give my brothers will more than they’ve ever known.”
“I’ll try to do right by them.”
“They’ve never been to a batting cage. Maybe you can teach them about baseball and they can join a team,” I say, excited by how my brothers will be with me soon. “They’re not spoiled brats. They get excited about little things. I hope you like them.”
“I like everyone. I’m easygoing like that,” he teases while unlocking the door.
Hearing Pax inside, I stop Ford at the doorway.
“I love you and I’m not leaving Little Memphis.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
Ford studies me then smiles. “I do now,” he says then leans down and whispers, “If you run, I will catch you. Have no doubt about that.”
“My life is here with you.”
Ford kisses me tenderly and I see how the realness of this moment scares him. He’s only had one person to worry over for all these years. No doubt losing Pax would kill him. Loving me is opening up the possibility of more pain. The world just got a helluva lot scarier for Crawford Reed.
Ford
She’s My Home Now
Shay frowns when I park the Harley in front of a house three doors down from my place. She says nothing, but follows me up the steps to the green and brick tri-level, not so different than mine. I wave at a man working in the yard then open the door and guide Shay inside.
“The guy who owns this place can’t take care of himself anymore,” I explain while we walk into the living room. “He’s moving to an assisted living place, but he’s not ready to sell the house. So his family is renting it out.”
Shay looks down at the green shag carpet then back at me. She has no clue why we’re here. What I love is how she doesn’t really care. Shay is cool as long as I’m with her.
“They’re updating all this,” I say, waving around. “New floors, kitchen, making it livable again. The guy lived here alone for a long time and went to shit.”
I take her hand and walk to the stairs. We sit on them then I sigh.
“Your brothers will be moving out here soon and we can’t all fit in my house. They can stay in the little bedroom next to mine at first, but it’s not really big enough for two kids and their crap.”
“You want them to live with you?”
Two days after I tell her I love her and Shay still seems surprised by the reality of our new situation. “You do get how you’re not living with Darby anymore, right?”
“No, I didn’t get that.”
Grinning, I wrap an arm around her shoulders. “Did you really think I was letting you sleep without me? I said the words and that means you’re mine. Deal with it.”
When Shay laughs, I see her woman’s mind working. I’ll be lying to say where her brain might be heading didn’t scare the living shit out of me.
“We can move in here in a month or two. I already talked to the guy’s son. He knows I’ll keep the house safe. No punk kids will fuck with an enforcer’s house. So he’s fixing it up and we can move into the house with your brothers.”
I gesture to the bottom floor. “It’s like my place where Pax has a floor to himself. There’s two bedrooms here too and each boy can have his own. We can have the room upstairs. I know that’s important since you get loud.”
Shay rolls her eyes, but she’s grinning like crazy. “You want me to live with you.”
“Are you still stuck on that?”
“It’s a big deal.”
“You were talking kids in church that day.”
“Yeah, but that was way in the future. This is now.”
I kiss her forehead and she gets a look that makes me hard.
“Stop,” I warn her. “I’m not done with my speech.”
“Continue then.”
“I want you to quit your job.”
“Why?”
“Isn’t that obvious? The hours suck. I can’t have my woman working in the middle of the night. If I bully the manager into giving you a better shift, some schmuck will end up with your shit shift. Do you really want that just so you can make minimum wage?”
“What will I do for money?”
“Take care of the house and your brothers. Make me happy. Look pretty. Oh, and a striptease a few times a week would be nice.”
Even smiling, Shay looks nervous. “I don’t want to be a mooch like my mom.”
“You’re my woman, not my burden,” I say then soften my tone. “I hate waiting for you at night. It drives me crazy and a million fucked up thoughts go through my head about what can happen to you. If you really want to get a shitty daytime job, have at it. I can support us and your brothers though.”
Shay lets this idea settle in and I’m surprised she’s so overwhelmed. I guess I expected after saying the words that she would have our lives planned out. Instead, Shay seems happy just to know I love her.
“I’ll quit, so you won’t have to worry. After the boys are settled in, I can think about finding a job with better hours.”
“Good girl,” I say, kissing the top of her head. “One last thing before we celebrate with you naked on my bed.”
“Our bed,” she reminds me.
Giving her a grin, I continue, “Pax doesn’t know yet. I needed to square things away with you before I told him. Of course, he’ll probably call you a few names and accuse you of being a gold digger. You’ll want to prepare for that. Even for all his bitching, Pax knows you’re mine. He knows, but me moving out of this area isn’t something he can tolerate. I know that sounds childish, but…”
Shay caresses my forearm. “You and Pax have always been you and Pax. I understand.”
“Of course, you do.”
I want to show her around the house, but I need to get her back to my bedroom. She’s driving me crazy with her hungry looks.
Taking her hand, I head outside where we ride the few houses down to our place. Pax is outside, working on his Harley. He barely acknowledges us as we hurry inside. He’s just as quiet when I return an hour later.
“Fucked the hell out of her, did you?” he says when I sit on a step near him.
“I’m keeping her.”
“I know.”
“Her brothers are moving out here.”
“Probably a bad idea, but you’ve had worse.”
Pax takes a swig of beer then narrows his eyes. “You’re bringing a family into our world at a bad time.”
“I can’t let her go and she needs those boys here for her to be happy.”
“Fine. If she’s yours, I’ll kill to keep her safe. The boys too. What’s yours is mine and all that shit.”
“We’re moving down the street into Dave Mooney’s house.”
Pax gives me a dirty look then shrugs. “Good. I don’t want kids around the house while I’m fucking chicks. Me and Shay have loud fucking in common.”
Standing up, I force Pax to look me in the eye. “I’ll need to tell her where we stash our money.”
I expect him to pitch a fit, but he nods immediately. “Blood is coming and we might not survive. You need to make sure your woman and those boys are taken care of.”
Pax tries to turn away and blow off this moment, but I make him look at me.
“It’s always been us and that won’t change.”
“I know.”
“Thank you for knowing. You can’t imagine how much I didn’t want to have to dumb shit down for you.”
“Turd.”
Smiling, I step back. “Don’t know if moving a few houses down will give me enough space to avoid listening to you and your hookups.”
“Life ain’t a picnic, Ford. You’ll survive.”
We share a smile then I leave him to work on his bike. Returning to the house, I find Shay waiting for me.
“You sneaked out.”
“You were sleeping.”
“I was dozing and saving my energy for more fun.”
Pulling off my shirt, I stop and look at Shay. She’s the most beautiful fucking thing I’ve ever seen and she loves me. Not a fairytale version either. The fantasy is dead and we’re living in a perfect reality now.