Living a Lie (20 page)

“Your uncle’s gone, you know,” she said, her head dropping as Kitty stared at her in astonishment.

“He’s taken the kids … said he wouldn’t leave them with a drunkard.” Looking up she pleaded, “Why would he do that? I’d never hurt my kids. I’d cut off my right arm first.” Digging beneath the settee cushion, she withdrew a bottle of gin. With shaking fingers she undid the top and took a long drink.

Afterwards she let the bottle rest in her lap and dropped her head to her chest, staring at the carpet while rocking herself backwards and forwards, oblivious to Kitty’s presence.

Kitty watched her for a minute. Never having come across a situation like this before, she wanted to do and say the right thing. But the one question that now burned in her mind was “Are you a drunkard?”

Mildred stopped rocking, but kept her face averted and her eyes on the carpet.

“I think so,” she answered. Then she looked up, slowly raised her arm and with a jerk of her wrist, sent the half-filled bottle flying across the room;

it shattered against the wall and showered its contents over the bureau.

Kitty got the impression that she was expected to clear up the mess.

Instead she remained seated, her eyes firmly focused on Mildred’s face.

“Did that solve anything?”

“No!” came the surly answer.

“What wilIT ” Nothing. It’s too late for all that. “

“Why did you send for me?”

“I wish I hadn’t now.” Mildred still couldn’t look her in the eye.

Kitty sensed the game she was playing.

“I’d better go then.”

“That’s right. Bugger off!”

Rising from the settee, Kitty crossed the room without a backward glance. She sensed she would not get as far as the door before Mildred called her back. And she was right.

“Don’t go yet. Kitty… please.”

She turned but made no further effort to move.

“Why shouldn’t I go?

You just said you wished you hadn’t sent for me. “

“I didn’t mean that.”

“What did you mean?”

“Please, Kitty. I have to talk to you.” Mildred’s voice shook.

She returned, but this time she sat a short distance away.

Mildred fidgeted nervously.

“I can’t blame him for taking the kids.”

She lowered her gaze.

“Sometimes, when I’ve been drinking, I’m not responsible for my own actions.”

“Can’t you get help?”

“It’s not as easy as that. It isn’t just the drinking. That’s only half the problem. It all started when your uncle lost his first job remember I told you that the last time I saw you?”

Kitty nodded. God! The times she had thought about that. But it didn’t matter now. The hurt had passed.

Mildred continued, “He soon got another job… better paid, with a company car and all the perks. We should have been happy then, but things were never the same between us.” She was wringing her hands, sweating profusely

“There was another woman… I started drinking.

We fought about this and that and the kids sided with him. Oh, I don’t blame them. I was hell to live with. “

“Will he come back?”

“I hoped he would, but I know now I was just fooling myself.” She made a bitter sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

“Now, he wants to bleed me dry… see me in the gutter!” Clambering out of her seat, she went to the bureau; it was wet and sticky with gin. Impatiently wiping away the spilled liquid, she winced when a fragment of glass sliced into the palm of her hand. Ignoring the trickle of blood she opened the bureau and took out a long white envelope.

“He’s washed his hands of me,”

she muttered. Tossing the envelope at Kitty she told her, “There’s your answer. See for yourself.”

The letter was from a solicitor, a formal notice that Mildred’s husband was filing for divorce.

Kitty read it with a solemn face. Afterwards she laid the letter on the coffee table.

“He might change his mind?” she suggested hopefully, though in truth she realised the hopelessness of Mildred’s situation.

“He won’t.” She had no illusions.

“He’s set up home with that slut!”

“Is she a slut?”

“Course she’s a bloody slut! She stole another woman’s husband, didn’t she?”

“Sounds to me like he didn’t need much persuasion.”

“That’s spiteful.”

“What about the children?”

Mildred stared at Kitty, and there was a world of regret in her eyes.

“He wants custody of them… and to ” negotiate our joint assets”. As for the children, they’ve turned their backs on me. Edward has a job and a flat of his own. He doesn’t visit… says I’m an embarrassment.

The other two have always been their daddy’s little darlings. ” She gave a hard laugh.

“Poetic justice you might say. I turned my back on you, and my kids turned their backs on me. I expect you’re thinking I’ve got what I deserve?”

“I wouldn’t wish that on you.”

Mildred was shocked into silence. She had seen something in Kitty that made her mortally ashamed. Returning to the settee, she stared into space.

“I really am sorry for what I did,” she confessed.

“It wasn’t all for selfish reasons. I hoped it would shake your father out of his grief… make him live up to his responsibilities.”

“I understand that now.”

“And do you forgive me?” Her gaze was intense as she waited for Kitty’s response.

It was not an easy question, and for Kitty there was no easy answer.

Though she truly believed that Mildred had been punished enough, there was still a deal of resentment in her heart. There was also a fervent wish to make peace.

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

Mildred visibly sighed with relief.

“You don’t know how grateful I am for that,” she said.

“I honestly didn’t think you’d come.”

“Why did you send for me?”

“To confess.” She put up her hand, as though to stern any further questions.

“This is very hard for me.” She turned away and stared into the empty fire grate her hands folded on her lap. They were trembling uncontrollably. A moment to gather her courage before the words came out in a rush.

“The money from your father’s house… the business…”

She turned to look at Kitty, and the tears were running down her face.

“It’s all gone, Kitty.” Her voice broke on a sob.

“God forgive me!”

Kitty had half expected something like this. Harry’s earlier warning returned to mind, and she felt numb.

“Is there nothing left?” Her voice was flat, emotionless.

“I’ve signed papers, taken the money out bit by bit until now there’s nothing left.” Mildred continued to stare at Kitty, her face contorted with pain and her eyes red from crying. Her whole body was shaking.

“I’ll make it up to you somehow,” she promised.

“My solicitor says Len has the right to half of everything. I might have to sell this house. I don’t care about that any more, but when the house is sold, I’ll give you what I can… it won’t be enough to right the wrong.

Nothing ever will. “

“I don’t want a penny of your money.” There was an unnatural hardness to Kitty’s voice.

“You’re right. Nothing can ever excuse what you did, but making yourself destitute isn’t the answer either. I don’t want that on my conscience.” She rose to leave.

“If that’s all, I’ll be on my way.” It had been a mistake coming here, she knew that now.

“Don’t go, Kitty.” Mildred was blocking her path to the door, “Please!

There’s no one else you see. only you. “

She braced herself.

“I’m sorry, Aunt, I have to go now.”

“And you’ll never come here again, will you?” Her voice rose hysterically.

“You’re like the rest of them… none of you want me.”

Waving her arms frantically she bawled, “GO ON THEN! Leave me here to rot. I don’t suppose you’ll mind having that on your conscience!”

Kitty’s temper snapped.

“Why should I care what happens to you? You never cared about me. You made your excuses and left me to the authorities. You stole my father’s money and now you expect me to pick up the pieces?” It was too much.

“Look at yourself! Look in the mirror and you’ll see why your life is falling apart. You’re a mess! That’s not my fault. So why should I have you on my conscience?”

Mildred couldn’t let her leave. If Kitty walked out of that door now, she would end it all. Summoning the small amount of dignity she had left, she squared her shoulders and looked her in the eye. Sighing from deep down, she pleaded with her eyes as she said softly, “Because you’re family… and you’re all I have left in the world.”

Her softly spoken words jolted Kitty out of the rage that was swelling inside her. She looked at Mildred and saw a pathetic thing, wretched and haggard, her bloodshot eyes swimming with unshed tears and her breath smelling of booze; she saw a creature close to destruction, and suddenly her own mother was in her mind . that beautiful lady in a red two-piece, with a world of sadness in her eyes. She saw the same sadness in Mildred’s face now.

“I can’t stay,” she muttered.

“Please, Aunt, don’t ask that of me.” How could she stay? Why should she be responsible for a woman who had treated her the way Mildred had treated her? How could she face her every day, living in this pig-sty and letting herself be drawn into a situation that was not of her making? With steely determination she brushed past her aunt and hurried to the front door.

Before she could open it, Mildred was on her.

“DON’T LEAVE ME!”

she cried, just as Kitty had cried for her when she was taken from the court to the children’s home.

Struggling to shake her off, Kitty was appalled when Mildred fell to the floor and there, on her knees, grabbed hold of her hem, clinging like a drowning man to a life raft.

“I’m frightened,” she sobbed.

“There’s no one else I can turn to.”

Kitty’s heart felt like stone.

“You know how
felt then! You know what it’s like to be thrown aside… to feel alone in a world filled with strangers.”<
p>

Mildred lowered her gaze.

“I know what I’ve done,” she whispered.

“I

only wish I could turn the clock back. “

“Well, you can’t!” A kind of hatred overwhelmed Kitty then. With a clenched fist she thumped the door and shattered the glass panel. She ran, out of the door and down the street, her mind in a whirl and her heart black with rage. Mildred had tapped something deep inside her, some awful festering resentment that she had long suppressed. But it was released now, surfacing with a vengeance as she sped blindly down the street, fighting the urge to go back and strangle her aunt with her bare hands.

Behind her, she could hear Mildred calling out. Kitty didn’t listen.

She didn’t stop. She ran and ran, until somewhere between the bus station and Mildred’s house, she slumped against a wall and burst into sobs.

“Are you all right, dear?” an old woman asked as she passed by.

When Kitty nodded, the old soul went away, occasionally looking back and shaking her head.

It took a while before Kitty was composed. Wandering into the John Bunyan gardens she sat on a bench and watched the traffic go by. She became mesmerised by the traffic lights. green, amber, red, amber, green. Her eyes followed the sequence, while her mind played tricks. A young man ran for his bus, tall and athletic with dark wayward hair.

She saw him from behind and for one moment thought she knew him.

“HARRY! HARRY… WAIT!”

her voice rang out.

He turned. It wasn’t Harry. And she was devastated.

She sat a while longer. A woman walked by with her young daughter.

Kitty was put in mind of herself and her mother. Her brown eyes grew softer, she almost smiled. Her rage was over, but the loneliness was overwhelming.

Kitty knew what she must do. It would not be easy, but she would not forgive herself if she did not try. Getting up from the bench, she made her way back towards Park

Road. With each step her heart grew quieter and, as she neared her aunt’s house, she felt older somehow, as though she had finally left her childhood behind. She could hear her own steps echoing against the pavement, slow and measured.

The front door was wide open. Kitty went through to the lounge and there was Mildred, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a bottle of gin raised to her mouth. When she saw Kitty, her eyes opened wide and slowly the bottle was lowered. Her face melted into a sad smile and she took a deep breath, held it for what seemed an age, before exhaling, seeming to shrink like a deflated balloon.

“You came back,” she whispered, her head lolling to one side as she looked up.

“Oh, Kitty! You came back.” She began crying.

Kitty knelt beside her.

“I had to.”

“Thank you.” That was all. It was enough.

Closing her fingers round the gin bottle, Kitty asked gently, “Do you really need this?”

Tears flowed down her aunt’s face. She couldn’t speak. Instead she moved her head slowly from side to side.

As Kitty removed the bottle, Mildred threw her arms round her.

“I’ll look after you,” she promised.

“As God’s my witness.”

Holding her at arm’s length. Kitty regarded her through misty eyes.

“We’ll look after each other,” she said, and her smile was the smile of a woman at peace with herself.

On their knees they clung to each other, and laughed, and cried, and thanked the good Lord for bringing them together. It was a wonderful thing.

Miss Davis was both delighted and intrigued.

“Whatever do you mean, Kitty?” she enquired.

“Either your aunt is going to take responsibility for you, or she is not. Which is it?”

Kitty was in a dilemma.

“It isn’t as straightforward as that,” she said lamely. The fear uppermost in her mind was that the authorities would not allow Mildred to foster her; after all she hadn’t even been able to take care of herself, let alone be a responsible guardian for her niece.

Miss Davis pointed to the chair before her desk.

“It seems to me you have a problem,” she told Kitty kindly.