Lizzie's War (33 page)

‘All right,' Beth said and walked up to the desk. She inquired about Tony's whereabouts, was asked a few questions and then returned to Lizzie. ‘He's only allowed one visitor a day and I'm it. I'll see you later.'

‘Yes,' Lizzie said and squeezed her waist. ‘It will be all right, I promise.'

Beth nodded and walked off in the direction she'd been given. Lizzie went back to the hospital entrance and stood outside in the cool air. At least it was dry. She could walk into the town and have a look round but she would be back in plenty of time, because Beth was bound to be upset when she left Tony… but at least she knew that he was still alive.

Lizzie knew now that it was more than likely that Sebastian had been killed. Seventeen months had passed and she'd heard nothing from him. She was a fool to go on hoping, but Lizzie couldn't let go. Something inside her just refused to give up hoping.

*

Beth gave her name to the nurse in charge of the ward and was directed to the bed at the end of the ward. There were screens separating each bed and that made her heart catch, because she thought it might mean that the patients were dangerously ill.

‘How is he today?' she asked.

‘About the same,' the nurse said. ‘You can have twenty minutes with him, but he is still very easily tired so you mustn't expect too much.'

Beth walked towards his bed, her heart pounding, because she wasn't sure of Tony's reaction when he saw she'd come instead of Vera. She paused outside the screens, took a deep breath and then went in. She felt her throat tightens she saw the white bandage around his head. The lower half of his face was unscathed, but there was a red line just beneath where the bandage finished. A cradle in the bed held the bedclothes off his legs; one arm lay atop the sheets but Beth's stomach turned as she realized that the left arm of his pyjama top was empty. He'd lost an arm… For a moment the pain of it took her ability to speak, but then in another heartbeat she'd recovered. Whatever her pain and shock she had to be strong for Tony, because he would need her.

‘Tony,' she said softly, because his eyes had remained shut even though she was sure he sensed someone was here. ‘It's Beth… I wanted to see you…'

‘Beth…' Tony opened his eyes and for a moment hope flared and she knew without a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to see her, even though the look had gone in an instant and he was frowning. ‘It was good of you to come all the way down here – who told you?'

‘Vera came to see me,' Beth said, because there was no point in pretending. ‘I'm so sorry, I have to tell you… She has found someone else, Tony. She gave me the keys to the shop and, if I have your permission, I'll find an assistant and look after things myself until you come home.'

For a few moments Tony just stared at her, then inclined his head, a slight twist to his mouth. ‘If you remember it was what I always wanted… for you to look after the shop and…' the words died on his lips but Beth knew that it was a reproach for her refusing his request when they'd been courting before the war. She'd been so young then, not ready to settle for being tied to a shop, but now she knew she would give anything to turn back the clock.

‘Oh, Tony, please don't…' she begged because it hurt, especially when he was lying there so pale and still. ‘I wish…'

‘What do you wish, Beth?'

Tears caught the back of her throat and she couldn't speak for emotion, but then she sat on the edge of his bed and her hand reached for his; he seemed to resist at first but then took her hand in his own. ‘I wish we could go back…'

‘So do I,' he said fiercely. ‘You don't know how much…'

Beth was close to tears. She knew she had to steady things down, for both their sakes.

‘We can't change things, but I can look after the shop if you want? I work three days a week for Lizzie, but that gives me plenty of time to do your accounts, order your stock and make sure everything is running properly. If you'll trust me to choose a new assistant to serve in the shop?'

‘I don't have much choice…' he said, a note of bitterness in his voice, but then shook his head. ‘I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, Beth. If you have time…'

‘I'll make time for you, though I can't promise to turn the business round immediately…'

‘Well, you won't do any worse than I did,' he said flatly. ‘I might have known Vera would run out on me the minute she found something better.'

‘I'm sorry, Tony. I didn't like telling you, but you had to know.' Beth pressed his hand, her throat tight with what might have been sympathy or even love, because seeing him was making her remember how much she'd cared for him. ‘I didn't want to hurt you…'

‘You haven't told me anything my mother hasn't already hinted at,' Tony said bitterly. ‘She thought I was a fool to break up with you, Beth. Go round and tell Mum that you've taken over managing the shop. She thinks Vera has been helping herself to the till for months, so she'll be pleased.'

‘Oh, Tony. I am so sorry.' Beth wanted to put her arms about him, hold him and take his pain away, both mental and physical, her eyes stinging with the tears she couldn't shed.

‘Nothing for you to be sorry about.' He closed his eyes for a moment. ‘They tell me I'm lucky. Most of my injuries are superficial. I'll be out of here in another month or so… and the loss of an arm is nothing. I'll have an Army pension and maybe a desk job somewhere – I might even get a false arm if I'm lucky. Some of the chaps were promised their prosthetic limbs ages ago and they're still waiting. Too many of us, I suppose – dumped on the scrapheap now that we can't fight…'

Beth was close to tears. He was so bitter and she couldn't blame him; he'd lost an arm in the service of his country and he'd lost the girl he'd loved because she'd gone off with another man and she couldn't even be bothered to tell him herself: little wonder that he was angry. Suddenly, she knew that it was important to her that he survived, came out of this as a whole man ready to live again and find happiness. She bent down to him, willing him to hold on to her, to her strength and her love. Yes, the love she'd once felt for his was still there, perhaps it had never gone away.

‘You can fight, Tony,' she said fiercely. ‘You can fight the way everyone is – by not letting them kick you when you're down. Maybe you will still have to do a desk job for a while, but if they give you a pension and demob you, you'll have the shop. It was what you always wanted, your ambition to have a newsagents and tobacconists like your grandfather…'

‘I wanted the shop, but I imagined you looking after it and me working, bringing in a wage so that we could really get on – make something of our lives… have a nice house and a car.'

‘Well, perhaps you can find some sort of a job. Not what you were doing but something else…'

‘Don't humour me, Beth. I get it from my mother all the time when she visits – I don't want it from you too.'

‘Please yourself,' Beth was suddenly angry, desperate to pull him out of his despondency. ‘You always were damned hard to please, Tony. You can lie there and wallow in self-pity for months if you really want to – but you should work at getting out of that bed so someone who needs it more can get in. Yes, you've lost and arm but you're alive. Don't throw that gift away by moping here. The hospitals are overflowing and the nurses have more to do than look after you.'

Tony stared at her, his eyes opening in shock. Beth knew she'd taken the wind out of his sails, so good, let him get mad at her; it was better than feeling sorry for himself, even though he had the right. Suddenly, he gave a harsh laugh.

‘You never did let me have my own way, did you, Beth? I was a bloody fool to let you go – I should have hung on to you tight.'

‘Yes, why didn't you?'

‘Pride, I suppose. Why did you let me go?'

‘Pride, I suppose.' Beth smiled as she saw the beginning of hope in his eyes. Now he looked more like the old Tony – the man she'd loved, but there was something more mature, something new she liked there too. ‘Well, do you want me to take care of the shop until you're ready to take over?'

‘It would be a start,' Tony said and there was a definite gleam in his eyes now. ‘How did you get in here? Sister said only relatives or my fiancé could visit…'

‘Well, I was your fiancé once, so I lied,' Beth said. ‘I wasn't going to come down here just to be turned away, was I?'

‘No, not you,' Tony said and he was smiling the way she remembered so well. His hand gripped hers with renewed strength. ‘So I've got to fight, have I? Fight to get on my feet and out of here – fight to lead a normal life… and what do I get if I do all that?'

Beth leaned down so that her face was opposite his. She bent and brushed her lips over his softly, a naughty smile in her eyes. ‘Well, we'll just have to see, won't we?'

‘Donkey and carrot?' Tony asked, amused.

‘I've got a big stick I can use instead,' Beth challenged and he held up his hand in mock protest.

‘Don't think I'm quite up to that yet, Beth.'

‘Your time is up,' a nurse said, coming round the screens. ‘I'm sorry, but Sister is very strict about visiting times for our boys…'

‘My fiancé had a long journey to get here – couldn't you let her stay a few more minutes, please?'

The nurse gave him a long hard look and then nodded, ‘Well, you've certainly cheered him up, miss…'

‘Beth – and thank you, nurse. I'll only be a few minutes more.'

‘Ten minutes, because Sister will be here after that and she'll have my guts for her garters if she catches you still here…'

‘She's all right, Nurse Joan,' Tony said as she left them alone. ‘When can you come again, Beth? I know it's a lot to ask; you've got work and the twins…' He grabbed her hand. ‘What I said to you about them when I first knew you were pregnant was rotten. I was jealous and angry and I wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry, Beth.'

‘It's all right,' she said and squeezed his fingers gently. ‘It was a long time ago, Tony and we've both grown up since then… You mustn't worry about the shop. I'll make sure things are up and running as quickly as I can – and I'll try to get down to you every weekend.'

‘They might transfer me to London soon,' Tony said. ‘You're right about them needing the bed for more seriously ill patients. Once I can manage to get out of bed by myself and go to the bathroom alone, they'll send me closer to home. Unless they send me to a rest home for a while, but I'd rather come home… to you.'

‘I want that too, Tony. I'll come down again next week – and now I'd better go. I'll write to you in the week… Oh, I nearly forgot, I brought some grapes…'

‘Thanks, the nurses will enjoy them,' Tony said. ‘We all give our fruit and sweets to them, because they have to put up with so much from us when we first come in.'

‘All right,' Beth said and bent to kiss him briefly. To her surprise he caught her behind the head with his good hand and kissed her firmly on the lips. She smiled when he released her. ‘That's better… I expect to see you out of bed when I come next time.'

‘Yes, doctor,' Tony said and sent her a mock scowl. ‘Thanks for coming, Beth. I know it can't have been easy for you – but like Nurse Joan said, you've cheered me up.'

Beth touched his hand and then turned away and went round the screen. She deliberately didn't look back because her eyes were blurred with tears. Tony had cheered up because she'd reminded him of old times and brought him out of himself, but what kind of a future did he have to look forward to – what did any of the men in this ward and all the other wards have to look forward to?

This wretched, wretched war had robbed them of their health, their limbs and so many of their lives. Tears were trickling down her cheeks as she made her way to the canteen. It wasn't fair and it was going to be hard, but Beth was determined to make things better for Tony somehow.

‘Miss…' a voice called to her and she stopped, seeing the Sister approaching. ‘I'm glad I caught you. You've been visiting Sargent Tony Armstrong. How did he seem?'

‘He was a bit down at first, but he cheered up a little when we talked.'

‘Yes, that's what we'd hoped, Miss… I'm sorry I don't know your name?'

‘It's Beth Court,' Beth said.

‘You're Tony's fiancé?'

‘Yes, I am.'

‘And you're prepared to stand by him?' Sister asked

Beth raised her head, a gleam of determination in her eyes. ‘Yes, of course.'

‘Good. He has some way to go yet – one or perhaps two operations and then a period of convalescence, which we'll try to arrange in London so that he's nearer his family.'

‘What operations?'

‘There is some shrapnel in his leg… and we're not sure about his head wound yet, but the doctor will know more soon.'

‘I see…' Beth took a deep breath, because getting Tony better might be even harder than she'd thought, but she would support him and pray for him and hope that was enough, because she wasn't going to give up on him. ‘I'll be around whenever I'm needed.'

‘Very well, Miss Court.' Sister nodded and walked off, leaving Beth to continue to the canteen.

Lizzie wasn't back yet so she ordered a cup of tea and sat down, but made no attempt to drink it. She hadn't let Tony see her shock and grief, but she knew he was still in pain and despite the fact that she'd made him smile, the anger and bitterness of war was still there inside him. She could only pray that somehow they could make a future together.

*

Lizzie looked at Beth as they sat on the train. She'd bought magazines for them both but neither of them felt like reading. Her hand reached for Beth's and held it tight.