Locked and Loaded (Bullet, #6) (25 page)

“I’m so proud of you.”

He swallowed and Jennifer noticed his eyes growing watery.  “I did it for you.  And her,” he said, grinning at his daughter.  “You’re my family and I can’t risk losing you, Jen.  You’re my fucking lifeline and I can’t jeopardize the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  I know that.”

She nodded and grabbed his hand.  “This is huge, Zane.  Huge.  It’s got to get easier, right?”

“God, I hope so.”  She saw the relief in his eyes as he added, “But I’m going to have to change to the men’s only group.  I’m not tempted by guys.”

Jennifer laughed.  “Thank goodness.  I don’t think I’d have a chance against them.”

Zane chuckled as he squeezed her hand back.  “Dr. Harvey suggested couples therapy a while back.  He said it might help us both work through things together.”

“Yeah, you’d mentioned it before.”

“It might be the best thing for us.  I’d still have my own therapy too, but Dr. Harvey said it could help you work through a lot of your anger issues.”

“Who says I’m angry?”

“I didn’t say that.  I just...I know I’d be pretty damn pissed at me for all I’ve put you through.”

She was afraid to talk about tomorrow, but she felt hope.  “That’s maybe behind us now, though, yeah?”

Zoe began toddling back to them, the same blocks in her hand that she’d shoved back together, only to not be able to separate them again.  But Zane didn’t take them from her; he instead picked up the child and placed her on his knee while kissing Jennifer on the forehead.  “Yeah, I hope so.  I know I still have a way to go, but life doesn’t mean shit to me without you two.”  The way his eyes bored into hers left her feeling breathless, something she hadn’t felt for this man in a long time, and it filled her with such lightness that she nearly cried.  “Marry me, Jen.  Not now, not tomorrow, but promise me that you’ll be the girl for me forever.  You’ve been with me so long and for so far, and it’ll take me the rest of my life to make it up to you...but I want to.  I
need
to.”  Jennifer still couldn’t catch her breath and that she could hardly believe her ears didn’t help.  “Say
yes
.”

She was filled with so many emotions, but the heaviest was the one that consumed her—the never ending love she’d felt for this man, the passion, the fire, the devotion, even when he hadn’t deserved it.  That he’d tried for her and succeeded...that told her all she needed to know.  She took Zoe’s tiny hand in her fingers and said, “We both say
yes
, Zane.”

“I love you, Jen.”  That was nothing new, but the manifestation of his love was, and that was what had sold her.

“I—
we
—love you too, Zane.”  She let the tear fall down her cheek as he consumed her in a kiss, promising that he’d try for her forever—and that was all she’d ever asked.

––––––––

V
ALERIE AND BRAD had a beautiful house, a
big
house, one that could fit everyone all together.  Zane wasn’t exactly sure when or how it had happened, but Val and Ethan now got along well enough that they could do big get togethers with their new families without animosity or even any weirdness.

It felt like one big huge family...and like they all belonged together.

Zane and the guys and most of the kids had been hanging out in the living room, enjoying warm apple cider.  They were almost done mixing the new album and would be going out on tour that spring.  For now, though, they were celebrating Thanksgiving the Fully Automatic way.  It was really the day before, Wednesday, because Val and Brad had to spend the actual day with her parents, Ethan and Jenna with his mom, and Nick with his family from their old hometown.  Zane and Jen had made plans to have their own little Thanksgiving, just the three of them and then, at the last second, had invited Jen’s mother, and he’d paid an expensive damn catering company to take care of it for them.

For now, though, they were with the only family he’d known for a long time.

The women were in the kitchen helping Val with the final details, making Zane feel bad, like the whole group was falling prey to old gender roles; in all fairness, though, Val had shooed the men out of the kitchen and, as they left, he could hear Nick’s girlfriend Gracie asking Val about her pregnancy.  It was hard not to, considering Val’s belly was slightly swollen, making the t-shirt she wore tight around her middle.

It was good being with his brothers, though, surrounded by kids and laughter.  Chris, Hayley, Scarlet, and Zoe were already forming friendships that Zane hoped would last a lifetime.  Chris, the oldest, had the three girls sitting beside the coffee table, and he was telling them about the new brother he and Hayley were looking forward to greeting.  Nick, meanwhile, said, “Gracie’s trying to understand my obsession with horror movies, right?  And she’s managed to make it through a few of them...shit like
The Evil Dead
, most of my collections of
Friday the 13
^th
and
Nightmare on Elm Street
.  But, for some reason, we were watching
Scream
last night, and we only made it halfway through when she was begging me to shut it off.”

Years ago, Zane knew Nick would have been raunchier than hell, possibly suggesting Gracie had been begging for his cock.  So he couldn’t help but laugh when he asked, “Why?”

“She said Ghostface was gonna give her nightmares for weeks.”

Brad said, “You have to admit that face is pretty scary.  I don’t think I’d even let Hayley see a picture of it.”  Hayley heard her name and looked up from the little circle of kids, beaming at her daddy.  He grinned at her, the apple of his eye.

And that made Zane think of his.  He regretted missing the first year of her life, but he wasn’t going to hold that against Jen.  He understood why she’d made that choice and, much as it hurt, he couldn’t mourn it.  He honestly wondered if, in his haze, he would have remembered much anyway.  He had the little girl in his life
now
and he was a clean and sober dad, and he knew the child hadn’t been scarred from his absence.  It was something Zoe would likely never know.

She was still busy looking at Chris and listening to him when he heard Nick say, “Yeah, but I was
right there
, man.  She coulda grabbed me and cuddled me all she wanted.  It’s a good damn movie.  I told her to power through it.”

“Jenna doesn’t like horror movies either, and she hasn’t watched a single one since she was in her last trimester.  I can’t remember what the hell movie it was, but I wanted to go to the movie theater to watch it and she begged me to wait till it was on DVD. 
It’ll make me go into early labor
, she said.”  All the guys laughed at Ethan’s story and the man shrugged.  “What do I know?  It could have.”

As if on cue, Jenna popped her head in.  “Time to wash up, guys.  And, uh, if you could get the kids cleaned up too, that’d be great.”  She looked at Ethan.  “You telling stories about me, mister?”

He stood and kissed her on the cheek.  “Nope.  All true stuff.”

She smacked him on the butt and then looked at Nick.  “You’re the childless guy, so you get to set the table.  After you wash your filthy drummer fingers, report for duty to the kitchen.”

Nick stood up straight, his fingers pointing down and his arms at his side until he brought the right hand up to his forehead and saluted.  “Yes, sir!  I mean
ma’am
!”

“Glad that’s settled.”  Ethan kissed her again and then she scooted off to the kitchen.

Brad said, “We’ve got bathrooms all over the place, but the one just down the hall is the closest.  Do we want to take turns?”

Nick said, “No, man.  Let’s all race and duke it out.  Make it exciting!”

Ethan looked at Nick and said, “Maybe once the kids have cleared up, I’ll whip your ass.”

“You’re on, dude.”

Brad gave Zane a look.  He grinned back and they all began making their way toward the bathroom.  The men stood just outside while the kids worked their way around the room, cleaning up.  Chris was trying to teach Scarlet and Zoe how to wash their hands using the stool at the sink, but Zane predicted disaster.  He and Ethan wound up washing their little girls’ hands while Chris and Hayley took care of their own, and before he knew it, they were all in the bright, cheery dining room.  The windows in the room were huge, overlooking Val and Brad’s back yard, normally green but receiving its first dusting of snow.  The big flakes were coming down fast, and Zane wondered when they’d have their first big snow so he could take Zoe out in it and build her a snowman.

Ethan walked around the room, filling up the cider, and when Brad asked them all to raise their glasses for a toast, Zane understood
why
there was a huge emphasis on cider.  This damn band had gone through so fucking much together—not just emotional times but addictions as well—that they were staying away from the wine.  In Zane’s case, he knew it wasn’t a bad idea.

Brad looked around the room—first to his wife and the kids—eventually making eye contact with each one of them.  “Can you believe we started this shit in high school?  More than ten years ago?  Before I knew it, I had an awesome band with three of the finest men I could ever hope to work with, talented, intuitive musicians who understood my vision and came along for the ride.  We had a little garage band called Bullet that made a hell of a lot of noise.  And then Ethan met this girl named Valerie, and she decided to shake stuff up. 
Bullet’s a crappy name for a band
, she said.”  Val dropped her jaw, her eyes lit up, and she started laughing.  The guys soon followed.  “
Your words are generic
, she said. 
You guys suck!
  Okay, so she didn’t say that, but you know what?  I don’t think—hell, no.  I
know
Fully Automatic wouldn’t be here today if not for Val’s artistic vision and contribution.  And Fully Automatic led to other amazing projects—Val Hella and Sinful Disobedience—and we’ve got many years more.  I’m not even thirty yet, and I’m living my dream.

“But to hell with the dream.  What’s more important is what’s right here.  All of you.  Each one of you.  My brothers, my wife, our kids, all of you—you’re all my family, and you’re what matters.  Yeah, the music matters and it’s what brought us together but at the end of the day?  It wouldn’t mean a thing without the people.”  He raised his glass.  “I thank the universe for each one of you every day.  I couldn’t do this without you.”

Zane blinked.  Brad really
was
like a brother to him, but the man had been right—he loved Ethan and Nick just as much as Brad.  Sure, they’d had their fights, some that had been downright vicious, but he’d rather it be with them than anyone else on the planet.

He looked next to the little girl in the highchair between him and Jennifer, the love of his whole fucking life.  She meant more to him than she’d probably ever know, and he was starting to believe it was thanks to her that he’d finally been able to shake the demons that had been holding him in their grip for so long.  If it hadn’t been for her love—and his fear of losing her for good—he knew he would be on the short path to destruction.

He looked in Jen’s eyes and beamed, but then he let his eyes drift back to Zoe.  The little girl was holding a stainless steel spoon, wielding it as though it were Harry Potter’s wand, and it was apropos because her hold on him was nothing short of magic.  He was entranced by this lovely little thing, and he never wanted to escape from her spell.  He honestly didn’t know what he’d do without this little girl in his life.  Every day he looked into her clear blue eyes, he knew he’d found heaven on earth.

And it was thanks to Jennifer.  If his child was heaven on earth, her mother was the angel tending the gates.  Zane’s heart swelled and he didn’t give a shit as he felt one warm tear fall down his cheek.  He smiled through it.  The cheers through the room as they continued toasting and drinking the apple cider made sure no one else would hear, but he leaned over and touched Jennifer’s cheek.  “I love you.  My heart is yours.”

She smiled, rubbing her cheek on his hand.  “My heart is yours too, Zane.”

“Thank you for joining me on this journey but especially...thank you for the best little girl in the whole world.”

Right on cue, Zoe made a noise and threw her spoon on the tray.  It clattered enough that it got everyone’s attention, and the room filled with laughter.  Zane sat back down and touched his nose to his precious child’s.  “Yes, thank
you
, sweetheart.”

“Good food, good meat—” Chris began, and Valerie looked at him with one eyebrow raised.  Ah, a talented mom, anticipating her child’s next move.  “Let’s eat,” he said, his face beaming, having escaped his mother’s wrath.

Ethan tousled his son’s head.  “Yeah, let’s.”

Zane looked at his soon-to-be wife and daughter, knowing that this was just the first of many good times to come.  He didn’t know what the future held, except for one thing—
hope
.  And that was something it hadn’t held for him in a long time.  He looked forward to seeing what would come next.

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