Lone Star Baby (McCabe Multiples Book 5) (14 page)

Violet set down her keys and purse. She walked over to where he stood, a wide-awake Ava cradled in his arms.

“I saw Mitzy as I was leaving the hospital.”

Uh-oh. Gavin did not like the sound of that.

Violet held out her hands.

Realizing what she wanted and needed, he shifted the baby to her.

Yet to burp, Ava blew out a tiny milk bubble between her rosebud lips. She turned her big eyes up to Violet.

She smiled down at Ava with what could only be interpreted as a mother’s fierce and abiding love. Then turned back to Gavin, a hint of sadness in her eyes. “The visits between the first two sets of prospective parents are set up for ten o’clock tomorrow morning, in the visitation room at the family services center. Mitzy will be there the entire time, monitoring and recording the interactions for us to view later.”

Aware she looked as anxious as he suddenly felt, Gavin reassured her, “I’m sure it will go smoothly.”

“I know Mitzy will see that it does.” Violet swallowed. “You’re not working tonight, right?”

Gavin shook his head. “I’m off until midnight tomorrow.”

“So we’re both going to be here this evening?”

“Looks like. Unless you have errands or something you want to do.”

“No. I’d just like to stay and enjoy what little time we have left with Ava.”

“Sounds good to me,” Gavin returned gruffly. It was the thought of her leaving, and of Violet maybe going away, too, as a consequence, that damn near broke his heart.

For a man without a romantic bone in his body, who would have thought?

* * *

O
VER
THE
COURSE
of the next twenty-four hours, Gavin and Violet shared taking care of Ava, made love several times and even managed to watch a DVD movie both had been wanting to see. And yet, even as things proceeded perfectly, Gavin could sense Violet slipping away from him.

It was as if to place Ava with another family, one much better suited to care for her than the two of them, she had to shut down part of her heart.

And while Gavin understood—he was having to compartmentalize his emotions, too, to get by—he worried her distance wouldn’t end when this was over.

And that would be a problem.

For both of them.

Violet, however, didn’t seem to realize that, as the morning of the prospective-family bonding sessions dawned.

She rushed around, doing everything that needed to be done and a lot that did not. “We should make a list. Shouldn’t we make a list of her likes and dislikes?”

Gavin nodded, holding the infant so she, too, could watch Violet gather everything for Ava’s very first tub bath. “Absolutely. These families shouldn’t go in blind. They should have every advantage when it comes to bonding with Ava.”

Violet knotted her hair on top of her head, then paused to kiss the baby’s cheek. “That’s what I think, too.” Looking a lot more composed about the impending separation than he felt, Violet checked and then had him test the comfortably warm water in the baby bathtub that her sisters had loaned them, which was situated, along with several thick and fluffy bath towels, on the counter next to the kitchen sink.

Although the temperature outside had gotten cool overnight, the morning was warming fast. To ensure that Ava would stay warm enough, though, they had turned on the heat.

“What does the thermostat say?” Violet asked.

“Seventy-three, inside.”

“That’s good, don’t you think?”

“Yep.” They did not want the infant getting chilled when it came time for her very first tub bath.

With another quick efficient smile, Violet made sure she had everything ready. Gavin handed her over, staying close as Violet gently laid Ava on the towels and undressed her quickly.

“Okay, sweetheart.” Violet cooed. “Here goes...” She cradled the baby’s small body in one hand, her head and neck in the other, and then lifted her gently into the bath.

Ava’s eyes widened in surprise.

Gavin wet a washcloth, as they had discussed, and placed it over the infant’s chest to keep their little darling warm and calm.

And what do you know, Gavin mused, it worked. Violet smiled victoriously, too.

Together, talking softly, soothing all the while, he and Violet massaged a small amount of lavender-scented baby wash over Ava’s hair and body, taking care to get the creases in her neck and arms and legs, and the area behind her ears.

An equally gentle rinse and she was done.

“Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Violet lifted the blinking infant out of the bathwater and into the thick, soft towel Gavin had waiting.

Gavin exchanged triumphant glances with Violet. “I thought we did great.”

Maybe they were parent material, after all.

To the point they should be thinking about having one of their own one day.

When he and Violet could offer an infant everything he or she needed in life.

He snuggled Ava while Violet brought out the clothes.

“The pink onesie or the yellow?”

Contentment rushed through Gavin as he cradled Ava tenderly in his arms. “Pink.”

The baby blinked up at him. And was that a
smile
?

Violet was grinning happily now.

“Pink it is,” she declared with the same tenderness Gavin was feeling.

Keeping Ava’s top half covered, Violet diapered her, then removed the towel and slipped on an undershirt for extra warmth. The onesie followed. So did a cute little hat. And matching sweater. Unexpected tears misted Violet’s eyes. “She looks...beautiful, don’t you think?”

“Best. Baby. Ever,” Gavin agreed hoarsely, barely able to get the words out.

Luckily, he had composed himself by the time they settled Ava into her carrier. Not daring to look at Violet, for fear if she were feeling as oversentimental as he was it would send him over the edge, Gavin hoisted the diaper bag over his shoulder. Violet fell into step beside him. Then they were out the door, in the car and on their way.

* * *

V
IOLET
KNEW
SHE
was doing the right thing. But it still felt as if someone had reached into her chest and yanked her heart right out.

“So what now?” Gavin asked after they had reluctantly handed Ava to the waiting social worker.

Violet couldn’t help but note it seemed as though he was doing all he could to contain his emotions, too.

But letting their conflicted feelings affect Ava’s future happiness would only make the situation all the more difficult when the time came to let her go. So, once again, Violet did what she had to do.

Calmly thrusting her hands into the pockets of her suede jacket, she walked with Gavin to her SUV. “I have to go out to McCabe House to check on the progress.”

His gaze on the distant horizon, he asked, “Want company?”

More than he knew. “Sure,” she said as if it was no big deal, when to her it was a
very
big deal.

Sterling had pushed her away when they had needed to be there for each other. It helped, having Gavin want her close instead.

The estate was quiet. Devoid of any other vehicles. Gavin frowned as she parked outside the stable-house. “Shouldn’t the crews be here?”

Violet shook her head. “There’s nothing for them to do right now. They’re waiting on county inspectors to approve the structural changes made to date. I still need to check on things, too. Make sure there are no other broken pipes, or whatever.”

When they entered McCabe House, there was nothing but a big, carved-out space on each of the two floors. All the drywall had been removed, the wood framing reconfigured.

Even the bathroom fixtures were gone. It was an open slate. And for Violet, who recalled visits to her grandparents when she was growing up, it was suddenly devastating to see.

Without warning, she burst into tears.

Alarmed, Gavin took her in his arms and held her close. “Hey,” he said, stroking her hair. “Are you okay?”

No, she wasn’t, and she didn’t want to discuss why, so she offered the excuse that usually made men stop asking questions immediately. “Sorry. Hormones.”

Maybe it was the fact he was a physician, or maybe it was the fact that he’d made love with her and slept with her wrapped in his arms, or spent hours taking care of a tiny little infant with her, but
whatever
it was that gave him superior knowledge about her, the end result was the same. Gavin wasn’t buying it.

“You seemed fine this morning.”

And last night, when they’d made love—twice—while Ava had slept. And cuddled after.

She blinked fiercely, willing away the moisture in her eyes, then rubbed at them, as if she had gotten some dust in them. “I probably just haven’t had enough sleep.” She waited until she had composed herself, lifted her head from his chest and shot him a look. “Neither of us has.”

He studied her, apparently still thinking it was something else. Like, maybe, Ava, causing her to cry.

Not used to such scrutiny, Violet pushed away from him and strode out of the house. He followed her down the steps and across the yard to the stable-house. She walked inside, expecting to feel sanctuary.

Instead, as she looked around at the glamping setup that had once held such romance and promise, she felt another sucker punch to the gut.

Gavin curved a comforting hand over her shoulder. “What is it?”

Although her initial impulse was to push him away—again—Violet knew she needed to unburden herself, and she knew she could talk to him frankly, that he wouldn’t judge her.

She turned on the ceiling fan and walked around, opening up the windows to let out the stale air. “A few weeks ago, I thought I had it all figured out. I was excited about taking the time off and being out here on my own.” Whirling back toward him, she met his eyes and admitted, “I thought roughing it—”

“If you can call all this roughing it,” he teased, working a laugh out of her despite her low mood.

“Okay,” she corrected just as facetiously, “I thought glamping here would not only help my extended family and my grandparents’ legacy, but clear my mind, help me figure out what the next step of my life should be. Instead, I’ve barely been out here the past couple of weeks.”

“With good reason, given you were seeing to Ava.”

Violet pushed her hands through her hair. “I’ve also reneged on my promise not to get too close to her.”

He nodded, not arguing that. “I think we both have.”

A contemplative silence fell.

“I no longer want the San Antonio job I worked so hard to get.”

He shrugged, perching on the arm of the sofa. “So don’t take it.”

Violet paced closer, knowing, like it or not, this had to be said. “And most damning of all, I started a fling with you at the worst possible time.”

He caught her as she passed and pulled her onto his lap. “Why is it the worst possible time?”

She splayed her hands across his hard chest. “Because I’m so confused!”

He rubbed his thumb across her lower lip. “Are you?”

She looked into his gray-blue eyes and saw the sexual intent. “What do you mean?”

His grin widened as he led her to what always made them both feel better. “I don’t feel any confusion when you kiss me like this...”

Violet moaned and melted into him. “Gavin.”

He cupped her breast. “Or I touch you, like this...”

Her nipple pearled against the center of his palm. Tingles of need swept through her.

He trailed kisses along the shell of her ear, down the nape of her neck. “Or you snuggle in my arms all night. Times like this—” he lifted his head to kiss her hard and long “—I think you know exactly what you want. Which just so happens—” he unbuttoned her blouse “—to be exactly what I want.”

Violet snuggled close, her promise not to be distracted fading as the passion between them escalated. “And what’s that?” she asked, cupping his face in both her hands.

His eyes grew shadowed; his voice, sexy-rough. “Time. Alone with you. Time to make love to you and hold you in my arms, and make love to you again and again and again.”

So that’s what they did.

Violet opened herself up to him, body and soul, and he took her with a masculine prowess that soon had her whimpering in pleasure. Blood rushed, hot and needy, through her veins. And then all was lost as they moved together toward a single goal, finding it, clinging to it, savoring the release. And in that instant Violet knew. She could really, really get used to having him in her life.

He held her tenderly. “So...still confused?”

The need on his face matched hers. “Not about wanting you,” she whispered.

Rolling, so he was beneath her, she linked her arms around his neck. Kissed him sweetly. “I want you, too. In my bed, in my life.”

And most of all
, she thought wistfully,
in my heart.

Chapter Fourteen

“So what do you think?” Mitzy asked later that afternoon, after they’d viewed the tapes.

Glad to have their young charge back in her arms, Violet observed, “Both couples seemed to interact well with Ava.”

Gavin sent a fond look at the infant. “I thought so, too.”

Mitzy made a few notes. “Which family strikes you as the family for Ava, though?”

Violet blinked, a little surprised by the pressure. “You expect us to make a decision
now
—based on one meeting?”

Mitzy’s gaze narrowed with friendly rebuke. “It’s not good for anyone involved to drag it out longer than necessary.”

Violet stiffened. “I don’t think we’re dragging it out.”

“We just don’t have all the facts,” Gavin said.

“Okay.” Mitzy rocked back in her desk chair. “What else would you like to know? You have the financial statements of both families, the background checks, the statistics on how long and happily the couples have been married. Both also have large extended families in the area who have promised to care for Ava should anything happen to the parents before Ava is grown and on her own. Both have also agreed to allow you to be godparents and to see her as much as you wish. What else could you need to approve them?”

Violet looked at the split screen on the TV monitor, where both prospective couples could be seen on tape, mooning over the baby. Ava was seemingly content with both.

“What else do you need to set your mind at ease?” Mitzy continued helpfully.

“I don’t know. A crystal ball?” Violet said finally, only half jesting. “Some way of knowing whether we are making the right decision here. Or which couple we should choose.” Because right now, even though both visits had gone admirably well, all she felt was unbearably sad and confused.

Gavin was brooding, too. “I think we’d be more comfortable if we had more time to consider this.”

“I’m sure you would,” the social worker said, her voice taking on a harder edge. She leaned forward, her forearms on the desktop, hands folded. “Unfortunately, the standard of care is not what’s in the best interest for the two of you. It’s what is in the best interest of the child. And that’s to be placed with the couple who is going to raise her so that she can begin to bond with them before she gets any further attached to the two of you.”

Mitzy paused to let her words sink in. “You can see that, can’t you? That if this current arrangement continues, Ava will decide that you are her mommy and her daddy, and will make her preferences clear. In fact—” Mitzy nodded at Ava, who was clasping Violet’s blouse with both tiny fists “—she may already be doing so. I have to say, she didn’t physically cling to anyone else who held her today.” Mitzy’s observation brought a rush of heat to Violet’s face. Was it possible, she wondered, that Ava had already decided she wanted
her
for a mommy?

She turned to Gavin to gauge if he felt the same. As usual, when the subject of Ava’s permanent placement came up, his expression was maddeningly inscrutable.

“Bottom line, I need a decision from you two,” Mitzy continued.

His outward cool fading, Gavin frowned. “You really expect us to decide today?”

The social worker nodded. “If you had to make a decision right this instant, which couple would it be?”

Silence fell as the pressure to let Ava go mounted.

Mitzy turned her head. “Violet?”

She swallowed, wanting to do her duty, but feeling more conflicted than ever. “I don’t know.” Her gut told her that both couples were completely right for Ava, and at the same time, totally wrong, too. Mostly because Ava didn’t know them yet, at least not the way Ava knew her and Gavin.

“Gavin?” Mitzy prompted.

“I don’t feel certain about either,” he admitted with a shrug. “So maybe we should look at other couples.”

Mitzy sighed her exasperation. “You already have. These are the two you selected, and the two who’ve met Ava and, by the way, completely fallen in love with her.”

“Well, that’s not hard to imagine,” Violet grumbled, looking down at the baby nestled in her arms. Ava’s expression was so completely trusting and content it almost broke her heart. “She is absolutely adorable.”

“And in need of a
permanent
set of parents who love her,” Mitzy said firmly. “
Now.
So go home and think about it, and get back to me first thing tomorrow morning.”

Gavin gave Mitzy a challenging look. “Or what?”

She rose to show them out with cool determination. “The department and I will make the decision for you.”

* * *

V
IOLET
WAS
USED
to making decisions under pressure. And feeling good about them. She did it all the time as an oncologist.

In either case the stakes were the same. Someone’s life was in the balance.

So why was she having such a tough time now?

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t known this was what was going to happen all along. As Mitzy had said, the standard wasn’t what was best for her and Gavin, it was what was in the best interest of the child. Still, something about the social worker’s demand did not sit right with her. And she shared her feelings with Gavin the moment Ava had been put down to sleep.

“Mitzy is being unfair. We should at least have a few days to consider this.”

Although Gavin had argued the same, in the social services office, in the short time that had passed, he seemed to have changed his mind. “Mitzy’s right,” he rumbled. “It’s not going to get any easier for us to decide, and they need to know. So we need to deal with this and be done with it.”

Done with Ava? Relegated to godparent status?

It was all Violet could do not to burst into tears. “Then
you
decide!” she retorted furiously. “Because I can’t! Not with any certainty!”

Gavin’s jaw set. He went into the kitchen and took out the coffee. “You’re the emotionally intuitive one.”

She lounged against the counter,
watching
as he filled the brewer with quick, economical motions and then switched it on. “That’s just it, Gavin. As usual, I’m too emotional to be able to think straight.”

“Then go with your instinct.” Turning toward her, he pinned Violet with a hard stare. “What does your gut say?”

To keep her. And to share her upbringing with you.

But if Gavin wasn’t willing...if it was going to be her as a single parent pitted against the possibility of a loving, married couple... Was that fair?

Violet shook off the dagger edge of guilt. And the fiercer feelings of love that filled her heart whenever she was with the child.

She looked back at Gavin and said calmly, “Instinct is telling me to wait.”
Until you know your own heart, too.

Because, Violet thought, with a little more time, she was certain Gavin would reach the same conclusion she had come to. That the two of them should be in the running, too.

After all, Tammy had said in her videotaped will, Violet and Gavin didn’t need to be married to be Ava’s mom and dad. All they had to do was give Ava all the love in their hearts, which was considerable, and work together to raise her.

The fact that she and Gavin had proved they could live together under one roof, even in very small quarters, and were now friends—and lovers—well, that was an even bigger bonus. Because it portended well for their future as a “family,” even if it wasn’t a traditionally assembled one.

Unfortunately for all of them, Gavin did not appear to be thinking along the same lines.

As the smell of fresh-brewed coffee filled the small kitchen, he lounged opposite her, hands braced on the counter on either side of him. “You heard Mitzy. That’s not an option. We have to pick one of them or social services will do it for us.”

Hurt, confused and most of all scared she was going to make the wrong decision for all three of them, just the way she had once made the wrong decision when it came to her and Sterling’s future, she threw up her hands and spun away. She set the papers, detailing all the information about the families, aside. “I still can’t do it.”

“Come on, Violet. We
have
to come to some conclusion.”

“Then, as I said, if it’s so easy, tough guy, you do it!”

Abruptly, he moved toward her and took her in his arms. Only this time the feel of his warm, strong body pressed against hers felt like an invasion, not a comfort. He tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. “Why are you so angry at me?”

Because
, Violet thought as a tidal wave of emotion swirled through her,
you don’t feel the same way I do. You’re not rushing to say this is all wrong. That you’ve changed your mind. That Ava doesn’t belong with anyone else, she belongs with us.

Because I can’t understand how you can even consider giving our little baby girl—and I feel like she
is
our little baby girl in so many ways—over to strangers to raise. Especially after all we have been through.

And yet I feel incredibly selfish, too.

Am I acting in the best interest of the child?

And if I’m not, what does that say about me as a potential mother, that I would put my own heart and well-being ahead of the child I swear that I love?

Aware he was still waiting for an explanation, Violet sighed. “I
am
angry with you—with everyone and everything really—because I think that you and Mitzy are pushing me into a situation I don’t want to be in.”
The same way I once trapped Sterling into an engagement.
“And are trying to make this quandary a lot simpler than it is.”

He stroked a comforting hand down her spine. “It is simple. Ava needs to be with the people who are going to raise her. We have two excellent options. We just have to pick one.”

And then walk away.

The lump of misery in her throat tightened. It was all Violet could do to push the next sentence out.

She splayed her hands across his chest. “That means we’re back to square one. Which parents do we choose?”

Gavin shrugged, his confusion mounting as surely as hers. “To be honest, much as I tried, I couldn’t find anything even the tiniest bit disqualifying about either of them.”

Fresh anger surged. She shoved at his chest. “That’s no help.”

“I agree. It isn’t.” He released her and moved away. Pausing, he poured two cups of coffee. “So maybe we should do the smart thing,” he suggested finally, pushing the beverage into her hand. “Let Mitzy and the rest of the department decide. They’re not so emotionally entangled. And they have a lot more experience than us in this kind of thing.”

* * *

V
IOLET
LOOKED
AT
Gavin as if she knew he was right. At least on an intellectual level.

Drawing on every bit of practicality he possessed, Gavin tried to reassure her they were doing the right thing. “Either couple will give Ava the kind of secure, loving upbringing Tammy would have wanted for her little girl. And since it’s going to be an open adoption, and we are still going to be her godparents, we’ll be able to watch over Ava. You know Mitzy and the rest of the department will do so, too.”

Everything he said made perfect, rational sense. So why, he wondered, was he suddenly having doubts about what they were doing?

He’d never been a baby person.

Never particularly wanted a family of his own.

But now that he’d been with Violet and Ava, he was beginning to wonder how he’d manage
without
a wife and kids. And how crazy was that, especially for a guy without a romantic bone in his body?

Abruptly, Violet seemed to shake off the emotions that had threatened to overwhelm her. “You’re right,” she said quietly, the determination he loved about her resurging even as her slender shoulders slumped. She stirred vanilla-flavored creamer into her coffee and took a tiny sip. “This was our original agreement, after all. That we’d step in only as long as need be and then see Ava off to a loving mom and dad with a solid, mapped-out future. And let’s face it, Gavin, as much as we both care about her, and I know we both do care about her—”

“Yes,” he interjected, his heart wrenching in his chest, “we do.”

“We can’t give her all that,” Violet admitted reluctantly.

Yet
, Gavin thought, wondering where that emotion had come from.

Lifting her chin, Violet gathered steam. “It’s not fair to ask Ava to wait for us to figure everything out, and come up with a way we could make this all work on a long-term basis.
If
we could even do that, given the fact we’ve just recently hooked up.” She sighed. “Ava has already suffered enough turmoil in her young life. She had a traumatic entry into the world and lost her birth mother in the process. She had to struggle just to survive.”

“The little darlin’ sure has been through quite an ordeal,” he agreed.

“So, after everything she’s gone through, she deserves a
real
home,” Violet went on softly. “Two parents with a stable, loving marriage to serve as a solid family foundation.” She shook her head in regret even as her eyes grew moist. “It would be selfish for us to keep her, given the fact that neither of us can compete with that, much as we might wish to do so.”

She was finally seeing reason again, Gavin noted. So why wasn’t he more relieved?

“You want to call Mitzy?” he asked in a rusty-sounding voice.

Reluctantly, Violet nodded. “Yes, I’ll do it first thing tomorrow.”

Aware she sounded as if her heart was breaking as much as his was, Gavin swallowed against the rising lump in his throat. He set his coffee aside and reached to take Violet’s hand. “In the meantime, we’ll have one last evening together, at least before I head to the hospital at midnight, to take my shift.”
An opportunity for the three of us to say a bittersweet goodbye.

“Actually, Gavin...” Violet surprised him by ducking his grasp. Pivoting, she collected her handbag and keys. “I have to go to the hospital.”

Gavin blinked. “Now?”

Nodding, she took one last gulp of coffee, then headed for the door. “If I’m not going to be caring for Ava, I’ve really got to go back to work. Pronto.”