now but leave Dallas.
Never
come back. Without another look at Gev or his family’s home, Lee
headed down the street and left their lives forever.
He only wished he could leave the rest of his past so easily.
Gev watched as Lee drove away—and with him, any hope that things could be somewhat
normal again. He couldn’t believe this had happened. Clapping his hands to his head, he stared at
the asphalt beneath his feet, seething and sick as hell that it had all ended like this.
He’d had no fucking idea his mother would go crazy like that.
“Fuck. Fuck fuck
fuck
,” he said, dropping his hands to his side.
“Uncle Gev? What’s wrong?”
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Fuck
! He turned to see his nephew standing on the front porch and thought about lying, but
being as the kid was almost the exact same age Gev had been when Stefan died, he wasn’t about
to perpetuate the dishonesty that plagued his family.
“Lee left, kiddo. Grandma got upset.”
Colby appraised him for a moment. “About Uncle Stefan?”
Gev joined his nephew and placed an arm around the kid’s shoulder. “Yeah, afraid so. We
had to bring her some news she didn’t really want to hear.”
They walked back inside the house together. Gev was grateful Colby’s intervention had
forestalled the course of action he really wanted to take—confronting his mother in a screaming
match, hitting a few walls.
He still intended to. At least the confronting part.
“Mom told me about Uncle Stefan. How he probably died. That Mr. Nelson was there too,
and they were only kids.”
“That’s right—they were only kids. Just kids.”
Colby hesitated as they reached the door. “Are you leaving too?”
Gev paused. “I don’t think so. I’ve got nowhere else to go tonight.”
“What about your house? Is Chad sick too?”
Gev sighed, wishing Nina had told him this too. “That’s what I needed to tell Grandma.
Chad’s gone.”
“Dead?” Colby looked up at him, and Gev hoped Nina wouldn’t wring his neck for telling
the kid. But he was staying here while his sisters were sick and deserved not to be kept in the
dark, at least not completely.
“Yeah. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time.” Like Gev’s bed.
Colby nodded. “Oh. That’s sad. Are they investigating? Like on
Dexter
?”
“Yup, they sure are. Just got back from the police station, gave an interview and
everything.” There was no sign of the others. He hoped they’d stay out awhile longer. He didn’t
want to see his mother yet. He didn’t trust himself to keep cool, though his temperature was
coming down. A bit.
“Cool! Did they fingerprint you? Take your picture? Did you see the prison?”
Gev steered him toward the kitchen. He was damn hungry. Maybe there were cookies left.
“No, to all of those. I’m not a suspect, you know.”
“That’s good. So Grandma should be happy.”
“Yeah, she should, kid. She should. It’s just that—”
“It reminds her of Uncle Stefan.”
Gev ruffled his nephew’s hair. “You are wise, Obi-Wan.”
“What’s that from?”
He stared at Colby. “Maybe not so wise.” But Colby burst into a betraying grin. “Smarty.”
“Mom calls me worse.”
“Wait until you’re older.”
“She says I’m too old already.”
“Know something, kid?”
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“What?”
“You’re one amazingly wise kid. A little wise man.”
Colby wrinkled his face. “You’re weird, Uncle Gev.”
“Yeah, I know.” He pulled open the refrigerator and took out some deli ham and mustard.
White bread would have to do; right now, he didn’t care. “Want a sandwich?”
“Nah, I ate already.”
“Cookie sandwich?”
Colby wrinkled his nose. “That’s disgusting. Mustard and chocolate? Sick.”
Gev started building his sandwich. Colby had some cars on the table, which he began to
run up and down, as far as his arm would reach.
“Grandma will get you for that.”
Colby smiled, impishness at its best. “But she’s not in here.”
Gev felt like hugging the kid. “True,” he said as he completed his sandwich. He pulled out
a chair at the end of the table and took a bite. To his surprise, it didn’t taste like sawdust.
Gev watched Colby play for a moment, then finished his sandwich, got up, and put
everything back in place. The others still hadn’t come inside, so now that he was calm enough,
he decided he might as well go back out there and see what the hell was going on.
“Okay, kid, I’m going to go talk to your mom.”
Colby rolled his eyes. “I know, I know, ‘stay put; don’t leave the house; don’t come out
there,’ et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.”
Definitely too damn smart. Gev ruffled the kid’s hair and left him to his cars.
Walking out the back door, he felt, unfortunately, a return to the anger he’d had when Lee
walked out, but it lacked the edge it had had then. He reached the workroom door as Nina, grim-
faced, came out.
“Might want to wait to go in there,” she said.
“Why—”
His dad’s voice called out. “No, Gev, come in.”
He looked down at Nina. “Kid’s in the kitchen.”
“You okay?”
“No. Not at all. Lee’s left.”
She huffed, casting an angry look back inside. “I’m really sorry. For once—”
He touched her shoulder, then bent and kissed her cheek. “I love you, Sis. You know
that?”
She sank a little, then hugged him. “I know. Just… Tell me what happens.”
“I will.”
He waited until she was gone before looking inside the workroom. His mother sat on the
couch, her face tearstained, hands clasped together. She looked so small, so old, yet she had such
power to hurt him. Always had.
“Lee left?” his dad asked.
“Of course he did,” Gev bit out. “
She
made it clear that he was unwelcome.”
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His father glared at him. Gev knew he should be more respectful, but he was long past that.
“I’m tired. Tired and scared half to death. It’s been a fucking long day. You can’t imagine what
I’ve seen, how it felt to look into my room and see Chad dead and think maybe that should’ve
been me.”
His mother tensed. Gev looked at her. “But you would’ve been fine with that, wouldn’t
you?”
She jerked her head up. His father said, “Gevan! Of course not!”
He looked at his dad. “I know
you
wouldn’t. I know you love me. But I want Mom to
answer.” He turned back to her. “I want to know the truth—like Lee wanted, and yet dreaded, the
truth. You can’t fucking imagine what he felt like, how you made him feel. So do you wish it had
been
me
too?” He fought the urge to scream, fought for calm. “Do you hate me for still being
alive as much as you hate Lee?”
She stared at him. “I—I don’t hate you. Why do you think I hate you?”
He clenched his fists. “Because you haven’t touched me, hugged me, kissed me, said a
damn thing except to tell me how disappointed you are in me, since I was ten years old. Since the
day Stefan died. I was ten, Mom. Ten years old! And Lee was only thirteen! Why do you blame
him? Why?” He wanted to punch the wall, walk off. But he also wanted to watch her squirm,
watch the misery fight with the disbelief, like she hadn’t known what she was doing to him. To
them both.
He wanted her to be sorry. He wanted his mom back.
“Gev,” she wrenched out.
“
I
am alive. I’m flesh and blood and breathing. I take care of myself. I have a great
education. I’m talented. I turned down a chance to become principal in Florida to come back
here. Did you know that? Of course not. Dad does. He’s seen me dance. So have Nina and her
family. But not you.” She looked as if she’d been punched. “What a show you put on for anyone
who will listen, but you’re lousy on the follow-through. Why do you ignore me?”
“Gev,” his dad said softly.
“I want her to answer.”
His mother looked up at his dad pleadingly. He looked every bit as old as his wife, which
Gev hated, hated so damn much. He didn’t want his dad to get old. “Gevan’s right, Irini.”
“But you always said—”
Gev cut in. “Dad and I made our peace two years ago. This is about you and me. Why
aren’t you proud of me?” The next words wrenched out. “Why do you hate me for being alive?”
Her eyes bright with tears, she bit her lip. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I—” She looked at him. “I
don’t know. I know it’s wrong. It’s horrible and selfish, and I don’t know why I said those horrid
things to Lee. It hurts. It hurts every day. Every time I look at you, I think of what he could’ve
been.”
“I know. I feel it every single time you do it.”
She closed her eyes, wincing. “I’m sorry. It’s so hard. It seems like it just happened. And
that man… Knowing that he’s come back, and now Chad is dead, and it could’ve been…”
He wanted to hear it. She had to say it, or he would walk out right now and be done with
her. He was tired of trying to please her, to be someone he wasn’t. To be Stefan. He would go
back to Florida, or go to New York, somewhere, anywhere, see what else he could do. The
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competition was fierce, but he would work hard. He knew he was talented—gifted, even. He
didn’t need this.
Say it, Mom.
“I—I couldn’t have withstood it if you had died.”
Her words came woodenly. Obediently. And that almost freaked him out more than had
she said nothing at all. He closed his eyes, his throat tightening as he struggled for control.
Finally he opened his eyes. His mother stared at her hands. He couldn’t say anything, he hurt so
bad inside. He’d always hurt so bad.
“Y-your father, he wants me to go to counseling. I’ve told him I would. I told him I would
apologize to Lee, if he’ll give me the chance.”
Gev wasn’t sure what to say. Anger roiled together with disbelief. He didn’t trust her, he
realized. “I don’t know if he’ll listen. I am not even sure how
I
feel about all this.” He turned
away. He couldn’t look at her anymore. He needed to get out of that room. Neither of them
stopped him.
Around the side of the house, he stood for a long moment, staring down the street, the way
Lee had gone. He didn’t know where Lee was staying or if he would even talk to Gev. He pulled
his cell phone out and scrolled through it to find Lee’s number. He stared at it for a long
moment, clutching the phone tight in his hand. He felt like hurling it across the street. He should
never have brought Lee here. He should’ve gone in by himself, told them what was going on by
himse—
“Gev?”
Gev turned to find his sister behind him, watching him. “Hey.”
“You okay?”
He looked down the street again, as if he could possibly will that long-gone car to turn
around and come back. It’d been a hell of a day. He wanted to get drunk and sleep for a week. “I
don’t know.”
He sensed her come up behind him. She leaned her chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. You
really like him, don’t you?”
The hard truth punched Gev in the stomach. “He’s straight, Nina.”
She chuckled, then turned him around and hugged him. She released him after a moment.
“I’m not too sure about that.”
Gev stared at her, confused. Denial followed the quick flip of his heart; there was no way
Lee wasn’t straight. Was there? “Why do you say that?”
Then she too looked down the street before turning back to him. “I don’t know. Just this
weird feeling. Or maybe he
is
straight. But that doesn’t matter—he’s attracted to you.”
Gev was incredulous. “No way. Why would he be?”
“You really don’t realize how hot you are, do you?”
His face heated. “Cut it out. I’m serious. The guy’s not going to be—” He stopped at her
curious expression. “What?”
“Did you know our dear, departed brother was gay too? Exactly like you.”
“But—How do you know that?”
“How? By looking at pictures of him, reading his journal.”
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“
What
journal?” Stef had had a journal? “How do you know he had one?”
“I’m snoopy; that’s how. It’s in Mom’s dresser, bottom drawer. I found it one day when
they were on vacation.”
Gev headed for the porch steps and sat. He didn’t want to go inside. He reached up and
pulled Nina down to join him. “That’s… What did it say?”
“I didn’t get to read much of it, but it seemed it was mostly kid stuff, really, at first. Lots
about Lee and the things they did. There was a lot in there about one of his teachers he liked a
lot. Did you know a Mr. Karsonov in school?”
“No, Stef went to a different school, remember?”
“Oh yeah. It was a long time ago anyway. I read the last part, though. I often wondered
what Mom must’ve thought, reading those parts.”
His imagination went flying into areas and thoughts and even hopes that he dared not
voice. He waited, his breath tight, his hands curled into fists. He couldn’t look at her. “What do
you mean?”
“Our big brother liked to write,” she said, her voice lowered. “He was pretty descriptive,
especially about when he and Lee were… Well, let’s just say, they liked to mess around in