Authors: Elena Matthews
“So what did you get me? Something good I hope because a friend of mine told me I wasn’t eating properly.”
He smiles as he pushes the tray of food in my direction. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I bought you a club sandwich and a tuna-fish, two flavored bags of chips and a water.” Oh wow, he’s supplied a little picnic for me.
“Thank you.” I go for the club sandwich; I don’t have the heart to tell him that I despise fish after he went to so much trouble.
“You’re welcome, and just for the record, your friend is a very wise man.”
“I bet.” I smile as I open up my sandwich and take my first bite. It isn’t the best sandwich but my stomach
sure does appreciate the food.
As soon as I have demolished one half of my sandwich I look up briefly at Ashton who is outright staring at me and I can’t keep the
blush from rising in my cheeks. “What?” When he doesn’t answer and continues to stare at me, I start to think maybe I have some club sandwich on my face. I wipe against my mouth with my fingers with paranoia. “Have I got something around my mouth?”
He shakes his head
with a smile, looking a little flustered. “No, I just…I can’t seem to take my eyes off you.” My eyes widen at his forward confession, and I suddenly feel very aware of my racing heartbeat. Then the racing hitches up a little further when he says, “I don’t think you realize how beautiful you actually are.”
“Do you say that to all of your patients moms?” I say through a nervous laugh as
I try to make light of the situation, but it does nothing to deter my heart rate when a jolt of shivers erupt up and down my body as his hand gently reaches over mine, covering it delicately.
“No, just the ones I can’t stop thinking about and you’re the first.” My heart almost goes into cardiac arrest as his words pierce through my mind. Within a millisecond I know that my heart is past being in a dangerous territory and instead it has fallen head first into a minefield and is moments away from detonating. This doesn
’t feel innocent anymore. I tell myself to create some space but instead I make the mistake of looking directly into those hypnotic eyes of his and I am frozen to the spot. My heart throbs as he starts to move closer to me and for a moment I think he is going to kiss me. In fact, I am certain he is going to kiss me when his lips linger over mine, but it seems fate has other ideas when his beeper goes off, freezing us in time. He sighs as he reluctantly lets go of my hand and looks down at the offending beeper. The look of alarm is apparent on his face immediately.
“Shit, I gotta
’ go.” He looks conflicted as he rushes up from his seat, almost as if he doesn’t want to leave me. I just nod in a daze, unable to find my voice. “I’ll come and see you later, okay?” Suddenly he turns, and jogs out of the cafeteria leaving me breathless and overwhelmed.
It takes me a short moment to tear my gaze away from the double doors he just rushed through. Feeling deflated, I slump back into my chair, and I contemplate what almost happened. Taking a deep breath, the guilt takes residence in my stomach at the realization of my near betrayal, and I am so thankful his beeper went off just in time because I don’t know what I would
’ve done if he had kissed me. In fact, I know exactly what I would have done, and that’s what scares me.
Shit.
I take a glance down at my half eaten sandwich, and suddenly I don’t feel hungry anymore. I take hold of the snacks and head over to the food counter in search of a ‘to go’ bag, ignoring the daggers from the doctor who was sat with Ashton earlier.
I am in an absolute daze as I walk through the hospital and back to the NICU trying to understand what just happened. I am so lost in thought, I don’t even recognize the man dressed in US
Army uniform until I hear my name being called out. I drop my bag of food on the floor in shock, and I just stand and stare at the man I haven’t seen in over four months.
“Sebastian?” I whisper as I walk slowly over to him, trying to work out if he
’s an illusion or not. He nods, confirming that he’s real, and smiles at me with a look of absolute worship. “Sebastian,” I repeat, then move towards him at full speed and jump into his strong arms, ignoring the burning sensation I feel against my cesarean wound, my lips slamming against his.
“I take it you’re happy to see me?” Sebastian mumbles against my mouth. Happy? That’s the understatement of the year. My mouth feels as if I have a coat hanger lodged inside with how wide my smile is. I can only answer with a kiss. The feel of his wonderful tongue coaxing the tip of mine fuels the fire of how much I’ve missed him and I devour him with our first kiss in months, clutching him tight, inhaling his wonderful scent. He chuckles against my mouth as he pulls away, breathless, gazing lovingly into my widened eyes. He presses his lips against my nose. “I have missed you so much,” he says, his eyes taking my entire face in. I smile, still a little shell shocked to find him here, so instead of answering I press my lips against his as I consume him with every force in my body. I don’t think I could answer him even if I wanted to; I’ve been struck silent by his presence.
After I’ve had my fill of kisses, I finally pull away and slide down his body until I’m st
anding back on my own two feet. “I can’t believe you’re here,” I say in disbelief as he wraps his arms around my waist. I close my eyes as I feel his lips brush gently against the top of my head. “I missed you so, so much,” I mumble into his chest. The emotion of seeing him takes its toll, and I feel tears begin to develop. I try to force them away, but it’s useless. My body breaks down in unbearable sobs. I grip hold of him as I unleash the pain and the heartbreak of the past two weeks into his chest.
“S
hh, it’s okay sweetheart, I’m here, I’m here now; everything’s going to be okay,” he soothes as his hand strokes delicately against my back, his lips pressing against my hair. Suddenly the guilt from earlier churns at my gut and the sobs intensify until I am to the point of hyperventilating. I almost kissed another man. That is just unacceptable. Oh God, I’m a horrible person. Sebastian is comforting me yet he doesn’t know half of the reason why I’m crying. If only he knew the truth of my inner battle, he wouldn’t be here right now, comforting me the way he is. He deserves better.
As I continue choking on my sobs, I feel Sebastian lift me up into his arms and carry me a few feet until he sits us down on what feels like a wooden bench. He starts to pull away from my embrace to look at me, and I have to clamp my eyes closed. I don’t deserve his sympathy, and I can’t bear to look at him, it
’s too hard. As I choke on another sob, I feel his calloused fingers linger against my cheek, wiping the tears away.
“Baby, look at me.” Tears stream down my face as the guilt rockets through me, and I shake my head furiously. I can
’t look at him. It’s too painful. “Baby, look at me, I want to see your beautiful eyes, please, sweetheart, look at me,” he urges. Eventually I lose the battle with myself and reluctantly open my eyes. I am met with a concerned and pained looking Sebastian and once again the guilt crashes through my body. It almost has me doubling over in excruciating pain.
“I’
m so sorry I wasn’t here,” he says. I shake my head trying to convey my thoughts. I don’t deserve his apologies. “No, Ava, let me finish,” he demands. Letting out a breathless cry, I allow him to continue. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, and it kills me knowing you had to go through it alone, giving birth to our daughter. I won’t ever forgive myself for that, but for the next two weeks, gorgeous, I’m all yours. A hundred percent. Then I only have to go back for another four months, and that’s it, my contract will end, and I’ll come home. I will only belong to you and our daughter, do you understand?” I nod as I try to catch my breath. He presses a calming kiss against my lips before pulling away slightly, his head lingering against mine. “I love you,” he whispers, causing my heart to double over at his words.
“I love you
too,” I whisper back honestly, but it doesn’t take away the pain of my near betrayal. He pulls me into a tight embrace, and we stay like that for a while. Eventually when my tears have subsided, I pull away, and he gives me his beautiful adoring smile. He sweeps a piece of stray hair away from my face and caresses his fingers across my cheek and down along my neck.
“
Are you okay now?”
Smiling softly I reply with a simple,
“Yes.”
“
Good,” he says pressing a kiss against my lips. “Do you think I could go and see our daughter now? I’ve been dying to meet her.”
With a mock sigh, I pull away from his embrace to stand. Taking hold of his hand, I pull him up to his feet
. “I forgot I have to share you now.”
“You don’t need to get
jealous now, I still love you.”
“Lucky for you, I don’t mind having to share you, especially with our daughter. She
’s incredible.”
We make our way to the entrance of the NICU, but Sebastian unex
pectedly stops me in my tracks. “Hadn’t you better pick that up?” He points to the paper bag in the middle of the floor that I’d dropped. I have to swallow the bile that is threatening to escape from my stomach. The paper bag with the lunch Ashton bought me earlier is a haunting reminder of my near betrayal. I pick it up and walk over to the nearest trashcan and hurriedly dispose of it. Pushing the guilt away, I take Sebastian’s hand and lead him to our daughter.
As we make our way along the clinical corridor of the NICU, I bump into one of the regular nurses.
Her eyes widen in obvious surprise at Sebastian. If she didn’t know who he was, then the uniform would have given him away. “Well this must be your wonderful fiancé Sebastian.”
I smile, clutching hold of his hand a little tighter. Sebastian looks down at me with a look of honor
. “So everybody knows who I am, huh?” he questions, smiling.
“Oh my, she doesn’t shut up about you, Sebastian this, Sebastian that. You’ve definitely got yourself a keeper here.” Again, I have to force the guilt-ridden bile back down that continues to rise from my stomach. I feel sick. I doubt he would feel the same if he knew the thoughts that had been circling my brain of late. His smile widens, obvious
ly unaware of my inner turmoil.
“Well that’s good to hear,
” he says. I smile gently as I push myself further into his side. Even with the lustful thoughts I have been having of Ashton lately, my feelings for Sebastian haven’t changed. His smile still makes my pulse beat faster, his touch causes the butterflies to flutter around in my stomach, the feel of his mouth make the goose bumps prickle through my body. I am still in love with him. Looking up at the man I love, I come to realize the feelings I thought I was beginning to have for Ashton must have been a figment of my imagination. It was just an attraction, a meaningless attraction. I was just in a vulnerable place and unbelievably lonely, and he was there, in the right place, at the right time. I don’t love him. I can’t love him; I barely know him. Well that is what I tell myself, but it doesn’t conceal the fact that I’m still thinking about him right now.
I hear the nurse ask Sebastian when he came back from Afghanistan and how long he’s staying when I fina
lly awaken to the conversation.
“I came back today on special leave for two weeks. It means I get to spend some quality time with my family for a little while.
” He gently lifts my hand that is encased inside of his, up to his mouth and presses a soft kiss against the back of it.
“Well, make the most of it while you’re here,” she says, and starts to walk away but suddenly she turns back to us, a small professional smile curving her lips. “Oh,
and before I forget, thank you for your service.” I smile proudly up at him as she walks away and he just gives her a courtesy nod.
Once she
’s out of earshot, he chuckles, shaking his head. “I still find that so awkward, when I am thanked for my service by a stranger, it’s so surreal.”
“Well you would come to the hospital in your mi
litary uniform, looking sexy as hell.” I turn to face him and caress my hands over his chest, inching closer to him, feeling his hands trace the edge of my arms, while he smiles seductively down at me.
“Sexy as hell, huh?” His smil
e turns into a full-blown grin.
“Yes, so don’t blame the nurse with the need to say thank you, you’re irresistible and gorgeous.” His smile falters as he leans down and presses his soft lips against mine, lingering for a few seconds before edging his tongue between my lips. As I sweep my tongue against his I can’t help the bubble of laughter that escapes as I hear the sound of wolf whistling. I pull away to see nurse Valarie, one of the regular nurses winking at me before
walking in the other direction.
“Come on, you’re distracting the nurses.” He laughs as I lead him to the door of the shared NICU room, in
the direction of our daughter.
Once we are well sanitized, we enter and walk straight over to our daughter. The moment we approach her, I hear Sebastian’s breath hitch, and in that moment, like magic, my baby girl opens her eyes, and it looks as though she is looking directly at him.
“Oh wow,” he chokes out, Sebastian pulls me into his arms, with my back to his chest, holding me tight. “You did amazing, baby. I love you,” he whispers happily in my ear as we look at our daughter. I hear a deep inhale from behind, and I know without even looking at him that tears are falling down his face. My bottom lip trembles and I have to turn my head to kiss him against his neck, whispering, “I love you too,” against his soft skin.
We stay wrapped in one another’s arm for a while as we continue to look down at our daughter, unable to take our eyes away from her. It
’s the first time since the moment she was born that I finally feel like we’re a real family and I grasp it with both hands because I can’t remember the last time that I ever felt like this, not since before I turned eight-years-old. I frown as painful thoughts of my daddy come to the forefront of my mind.
“You okay?” I hear Sebastian’s voice cut through my saddened thoughts.
I just sigh. “I was just thinking about my dad.” I was eight when he died of a brain hemorrhage. He was my favorite person in the whole world and he was brutally taken away from me, turning my life upside down for the worse, leaving me with a more than screwed up family.
“He would be proud of you. I bet he’s looking down on us now.” I smile at the
thought and then my smile widens when I realize that he’s probably looking down on our daughter as we speak. It’s a comforting thought that my daughter has a guardian angel in the form of her grandpa. “I hope so.”
He kisses the side of my head, his lips lingering against my hair
. “God, she’s so beautiful.”
This brings the smile back on my face and I snuggle even closer to him
. “I know she’s just perfect,” I say, pausing for a moment to look up at him. “So how are you feeling, Daddy?” I tease, squeezing his arms tight against my chest.
“
Overwhelmed, trying to take everything in, but I’m good, baby, I’m really good.” He presses another kiss against my head. I sigh, content, glad to have him back, even if it’s only for a little while.
I go on to explain everything, well everything to the best of my ability. I show him how to change her diaper, now that I can do it without a nurse, showing him exactly what to do with the tepid warm water and the cotton balls.
Once we have finished, a nurse comes by to check on our daughter’s vitals and sets her up with her next feed through her feeding tube. The nurse holds it out for me to take as usual, but I suggest that Sebastian feed her instead. Eagerly, he takes the small tube of my breast milk from the nurse’s hand, and he cannot keep the ecstatic look off his face when he presses down on the syringe, feeding our daughter for the first time. He spends a long time by her side, her small delicate hand clasped tight around his forefinger, and I watch from the rocking chair with tears in my eyes, letting him have his moment with her.
A little later on a nurse has to come and get me because Caleb has arrived, but they cannot let him in because we’re already at the capacity of two visitors at our daughters bedside. Hospital regulations. I immediately jump out of my seat, having forgotten he would be arriving
. I leave Sebastian with our baby girl and find Caleb at the reception desk, with a worried look on his face. “Hey, what’s going on, why are they not letting me in?”
“I’
m sorry, I was supposed to text you. Sebastian came back just a couple of hours ago. I’ve been a little caught up,” I say as his panicked frown turns into an enormous smile.
“No, shit. How’s he doing?”
“Good. Tired, but good. You want to come in and say hi to him?”
“
No, it’s okay I’ll catch up with him later, I’ll leave you guys to it.”
I press a kiss against his cheek.
“Are you going to be at mine later or are you heading home?” I ask, taking a few steps back. He’s taken up temporary residence with me while Sebastian has been away in Afghanistan, so I don’t know what his plans will entail, what with Sebastian back for the next two weeks.
“I’ll go home, I
’m obviously not needed for the next two weeks anyway.” He sighs dramatically, making me laugh out loud.
“Don’t worry, you
’ll always be my number one, Caleb.” I smirk, continuing to walk backwards.
“Hell yeah, I
’m your number one. You’re one lucky woman, Ava Jacobson, having all these men constantly at your beck and call.” He walks off leaving me gasping for air when thoughts of Ashton suddenly surface and the guilt rears its ugly head again. I force the thoughts of him to the back of my mind, as I head back in the direction of Sebastian and our daughter.