Authors: Elena Matthews
He is bent down on one knee and holding a ring box between his thumb and
forefinger with an anxious smile on his face. “Ava, you made me the happiest man on earth when you agreed to be my wife over the phone, two weeks ago. So I am doing it again, properly, with a ring, the traditional way, my way. So, Ava Jacobson, will you marry me?” I gape down at him, with tears streaming down my face and that’s when I notice the most elegant yet beautiful diamond ring I have ever set eyes on. It’s a simple white gold band with a single princess cut diamond dominating the center. I push down the lump that seems to be forming in the core of my throat, and I kneel down to his level.
“Yes, I will marry you,” I say through my tears. He enthusiastically takes the ring out of its box and places it on my ring finger. He smiles at the elegance that is sitting perfectly on my finger and kisses the diamond. He slides both hands to the back of my head, tangling his fingers through the silky strands of my hair. Pulling me forward, he places his lips to mine and kisses me with a gentle force.
God, I love him so much.
I glance down at my diamond ring, twirling it with my forefinger as it hangs loosely against a silver chain around my neck. I decided to put my engagement ring on a necklace for now, until Lily finally comes home and I can wear jewelry on my hands again. I have to take my necklace off when I hold her but other than that, it stays with me, resting perfectly over my heart. I gaze down at the beautiful reflective colors in the hope that it might take my mind off the fact that Sebastian is currently packing his life away, but it doesn’t. I have to face the fact that he has to go back to Afghanistan tomorrow.
I look up from studying my engagement ring, forcing the excruciating lump back down my throat. Sitting cross-legged in the middle of our king sized bed, I smile sadly at my fiancé still holding on to my ring
. “I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow,” I murmur like a sullen child as he adds clean boxer shorts to his rucksack.
“I know. I wish I didn’t have to go either.” He looks up and gives me a grim frown as he continues to pack his bag. He then suddenly stops placing everything into an organized ‘military space-saving’ way and places the rucksack gently on the floor beside the bed, and crawls over the quilted bed sheets until he finally reaches me. It only feels as though it were yesterday when he came home, and now I have to say another goodbye. The first time was so painful, it literally broke my heart into a million pieces having to watch him walk away from me. I don’t think I can cope with it a second time around. But at least this time will be for the last time. Four months, then he will be home, and he will never have to endure the horrific warzone ever again.
“Then don’t,” I say with a smirk, wishing that it could be as simple as that. He smiles, embellishing a kiss against my nose, grasping my fingers in a tight lock.
“I wish I could, but if I did, then I would be reported AWOL and quite frankly, that it isn’t something any
soldier would want on their record.”
“It sounds pretty romantic though, going AWOL for the love of your life.” I try to use humor as a defense mechanism, a way to conceal the pain that is currently ricocheting through my body, but it
’s useless. I feel sick to the stomach at the mere thought of tomorrow.
“Four months, then I will be home, and then you
’ll probably get sick of seeing my face every day.”
I shake my head in immediate disagreement
.
“Never. I can’t wait to see your face every day, it’s just cruel that I have had you all to myself for the past two weeks, and now I have to let you go back for another four months. I hate it. I wish you didn’t have to go.” I pull out my bottom lip with a trembling cry. He looks at me with such heartbreak that I feel my own heart shatter with the sadness of his turmoil.
His hand gracefully grazes my chin, his thumb stroking gently against the softness of my skin, forcing me with a telepathic gaze to look directly into his glistening tear-filled eyes
.
“Trust me, there isn’t anything I want more in the world than to stay here with you and Lily. I wish that I could stay so much.”
I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything because anything I might say could cause me to burst into tears at any second, and I want to leave the hysterical craziness of sobbing until tomorrow, when I am on my own and I can wallow in my own misery. He must take my silence as a negative response.
“Do you think it’s going to be easy for me to leave you both for the next four months? Do you think I want to go back to that war zone, witnessing people dying left, right and center?” I wince at the disturbing visual thought that just erupted inside my brain, and I try with all the strength possible to push it to the back of my mind.
“Do you think I don’t know that there is a tiny possibility that I might not return home? That I could be one of the unlucky ones, and eventually I might come home inside a wooden box? That I might not get to see your beautiful face again, that I won’t see my daughter’s beautiful face again? It is all I have thought about.”
I shake my head frantically as the tears run painfully down my heated cheeks
.
“Please don’t say that, you have to come home.” I wipe my falling tears with the back of my hand as I look desperately into his eyes, the possible truths hitting me hard, especially the same fears I have had for the past four months are identical to my fiancé’s fears. It is almost too much to bear.
“I’m sorry babe, I didn’t mean to upset you. I guess I’m just scared.”
I hold onto his hands in a death grip, feeling the tears gradually beginning to subside.
“It’s okay. It’s okay to be scared.”
He smiles sadly at me, pulling me onto his lap
.
“I’m not usually this much of a wreck. I’m just going to miss you so much, and now that I have decided to leave the army, I wish I could just leave, without having to go back.”
I trace p
atterns along his chest with my finger as I look up at him. “Well, if anything is like these past two weeks, the weeks will fly by.” I smile, trying my best to make light of the whole situation, even though my heart cracks at the physical thought of being apart from him for another four months.
“You think?”
“Yes, and if it doesn’t, just keep this in mind, when you come home, Lily will most likely be at home with us.” I know I sound certain of this even though I technically don’t have any scientific proof. But I have to send Sebastian away with a positive thought, or I think he might break down. Lily is, however, getting stronger, but she isn’t out of the woods just yet. I have faith in her though.
“You
’re amazing, do you know that?” He doesn’t give me chance to reply, he just slams his lips onto mine, and a battle of ecstasy instigates immediately. I am on my back in a split second as he deepens our kiss. A moan of pleasure leaves my lips at the feel of his arousal pushing against my overly aroused sex, his fists gripping tightly in my hair.
“Usually I would just fuck you senseless right about now, but seeing as though I can’t do that, I’m going to kiss you senseless for the rest of the night, is that good with you?”
“
Yes,” I breathe out as he kisses me deeply, his tongue melting into mine. And we do just that, we kiss for the rest of the night, and it’s the perfect way to say goodbye.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The next morning comes around agonizingly fast, and once Sebastian has had one last hold of his daughter, it’s time for him to go. I can already feel my chin tremble with the build up of tears as he says goodbye to Lily, telling her how much he loves her and how much he will miss her. Then I nearly lose it on the spot when he promises Lily that he will come back to her and her momma. I grind my teeth together, swallowing the lump that is lodged deep inside my throat as I try to clamp down with every muscle in my body, urging myself to keep strong until I am out of the NICU and away from the prying and sympathetic stares of the medical staff. The same sympathetic glances that have been thrown my way since the moment I walked in here with my hand clutching tightly to the brave soldier walking beside me.
I feel my heart double over when we eventually find ourselves outside the main building, gazing at each other intensely, awaiting for the doom of our goodbye. He
drops his bag beside his feet and pulls me into him, enveloping me in the warmth of his strong arms.
“Are you okay?” he whispers in my ear. Of course I’m not okay, how could I be? I am sending my future husband into a death trap, and I don’t have any guarantees that he will even come back to me. I shake my head as heat fills my face and tears furiously fall down my face as I cry into his arms. He pulls me in closer and his hand caresses my hair, lingering kisses against the side of my head.
“Four months and then everything will return to normal, and then we can be a family, be husband and wife. I love you so much; I’m coming back, okay? I’m coming back.”
I nod even though I’m not truly convinced that this could be the truth, but I know what I have to do. It is what I have been focusing on to help Lily-Mai fight through the intense battle
of her life since day one, and what I continue to focus on in order to get her out of the hospital, and that is putting my trust in faith. I have to believe that he will come back to me. If I don’t, then what will that leave me with? Nothing. Faith is I all I have, and I plan on grasping it with both hands, praying with the universe that I can have my happy ending, praying that my life won’t suddenly be crushed into a thousand pieces.
“I’m coming back,” he repeats in my ear, and I grasp him as tight as possible, desperately not wanting to let go of his loving arms. I want to cherish his hold with every essence of my body. And I do. I learn by heart the distinctive smell of his cool fresh scent, the warmth of his body against mine, the feel of his mouth against my lips, the feel of his tongue sweeping against mine. I memorize the way he is huskily breathing against my ear right now, saying how much he loves me, and as I glance up at his beautiful blue eyes, I memorize how incredible he looks
in his Army uniform, with his name standing proudly on the badge against the right side of his chest. I am extremely proud at his selflessness of being a soldier and how brave he is to return, even though I desperately don’t want him to leave.
“I love you
too,” I croak as emotion breaks through my voice, while the tears continue to build. He brushes his lips against mine, and I lose myself in his mind-blowing kiss. Everything and everybody dissolves around us as his kiss consumes me until all I can feel is our pounding hearts beating as one. I feel light on my feet as I kiss him back with the equal intensity. I feel heat radiating deep within me as he puts every last drop of emotion into our gut-wrenching embrace. It says everything words could never express.
I stumble backwards as Sebastian pulls away from my lips just a fraction and
chuckles breathlessly against my mouth.
“Wow.” He brushes another longing kiss against my swollen lips. He pulls back, bringing his hands up to my face, caressing both thumbs against my flushed cheeks.
“If I hadn’t had already proposed to you I would have been on my knees begging you to marry me in an instant. That was some kiss.”
I smile as I glance over his shoulder, noting that his taxi still hasn
’t arrived.
“Well stop talking and kiss me until your taxi comes.” He doesn’t argue with that. He gently presses his lips back onto mine, sucking against my moist lips as I eagerly accept his beautiful mouth. My tongue sweeps lightly against his as tingles erupt up and down every molecule of my body, both inside and out. I can’t help the moan that echoes against his mouth at the sensation his lips bring me. We enjoy the closeness of our embrace for as long as physically possible, but I know it will only be a matter of seconds before he has to leave me.
I sob against his mouth as soon as I hear the distinctive sound of a car horn, and I know that our time is up. My tears fall as I
cry into his chest, clinging onto him as though my life depends on it. He tells the taxi driver he will just be a minute. He holds me tight against his body and presses his lips against the top of my hair, caressing the ridge of my spine with his fingers.
“I have to go,” he chokes with a whisper. I nod as tears continue to flow against my weeping face and I pull away. I die a thousand deaths when I look up t
o him. His face is haunted with a look of despair that I feel crippling at the center of my own heart.
“I’m going to miss you so much.” I press a final kiss against his lips, trembling as I pull away for one last time. “I lo
ve you. Go be a soldier.”
He takes a step back, a sad smile fading on his face
. “I love you too,” he says. I close my eyes for a split second trying to force the tears back as he walks into the direction of the cab.
Once he is safely inside the taxi I take hold of my engagement ring that is draped around my neck on a chain, and I kiss the diamond, and then blow the kiss to him. He smiles and returns the gesture.
I choke on a sob as his taxi begins its decent. Then he’s gone and unable to hold back, I burst into tears in the middle of the outside courtyard. I drop down to my knees, allowing the heart-wrenching tears to shake through me.
I don’t know how long I am
bawling into my hands, but eventually the tears start to dry up, and I take the first step of courage forward without Sebastian and decide that I have to go back to my daughter. Wallowing in self-pity isn’t going to be much use to Lily-Mai.
I stand up, taking a deep breath as I wipe the concrete dust away from my knees with the palm of my hands. Once I feel a little more composed and less likely to break down at the thought of my heartbreak, I turn around and make my way back into the hospital. As I approach the double doors, I notice a familiar face walking in my direction, and I pause for a moment as my heart jolts to a stop when his gaze falls onto mine. I sniff and wipe my eyes from the moisture of my salty tears, and just for one moment I think he
’s going to say something, but instead he looks at me, sorrowfully, with a hint of sympathy in his eyes. I grind against my teeth in agitation.
He can’t just suddenly start talking to me again now Sebastian isn’t here anymore. No, no way. Plus, I haven’t spent the past two weeks trying to get him out of my head just for him to confuse me again. No, it isn’t fucking happening. With the dirtiest look I can muster, I glare at him head on, then I walk away, ignoring the heated stare I can feel directed to the back of my head as I stride in the direction of the elevators.