Authors: Elena Matthews
As I pull away, the question I constantly asked myself when Lily was about to be born comes to the surface.
“Can I ask you a question?” I ask, wrapping my arms around his neck, my thumbs caressing against his skin. He nods, while his hands move down to my naked hips, the bed sheets that were wrapped around my body lay discarded on the bed.
“Do you think he might have caused damage to me, internally? The miscarriage and abuse, do you think they’re the reasons why Lily was born early, has he damaged me?”
A mixture of pain and anger crosses his face, his fingers tightening around the flesh of my hips.
“It’s possible. Your cervix and uterus could have possibly sustained severe trauma and could have caused long lasting gynecological problems, but it’s hard to be a hundred percent sure though. It could be from injury or simply coincidental. It isn’t even worth thinking about, baby. Just be thankful Lily is here with us and is doing brilliantly.” I smile at his words. I internally shiver whenever he says, 'us', almost as if we are a family. I’m not dysfunctional enough to think we are a family, but I want to be. I want to be with Ashton, even though I know I’m going to hurt Sebastian when I tell him, when I tell him I have fallen in love with somebody else...
For now though, I’m not going to think of how this news is going to kill
Sebastian, or the guilt of it. I am going to concentrate on returning home to my daughter.
“I love you.” His eyes widen at my sudden declaration and honestly it just slipped out, but I mean it though. I do love him. I can’t help but chuckle as I bury my head into his chest.
“That wasn’t what I was going to say.” I look back up to him, his face an image of pure shock. “I was supposed to say thank you and take me home to my daughter, but then it came out I love you, which I do, by the way, but it just slipped out…I-”
“S
hut up, Ava.” Ashton interrupts with a growl, and he slams his lips onto mine. Suddenly I am on my back, and he’s looking down at me.
“Say it again.” he demands, and I am only happy to oblige.
“I love you.”
“Say it again. This time,
slower
.”
I laugh and say it slower
,
“I. Love. You.”
I feel hi
s hands clutch through my hair, working through the strands while his eyes bore into mine, locking me into place.
“I love you too, and as much as I want to make love to you here in this bed right now, I can’t bear to do it again in the place that holds all of your nightmares and fears. Will you let me take you home?”
“Yes, take me home, please.”
The wheels of the plane barely touch down in Seattle, when I already have my seatbelt off, eager to get off this moving contraption, desperate to see Lily. I practically drag Ashton off the plane and almost run through the airport, not even bothering to apologize to the other passengers who I barge in front of in my hurried state, passengers who are clearly agitated after the six hour flight.
Before we know it,
we are hailing a cab in the cool Seattle sunshine, luckily not having to wait at the baggage claim, since we took our luggage on board with us. After a little prompting to the driver, we make it to the hospital in record time. Ashton walks me through the foyer, in the direction of the elevators. Ashton has to see his boss to discuss the repercussions of his injury, and what it could mean for his career.
“Wish me luck?” he says with a smile, but his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes. I can see the worry in his eyes.
“You don’t need luck. Everything will be fine.” He edges towards me, almost cornering me against the wall, his hips flush with mine. My eyes dart to our busy surroundings in panic at the sudden intimacy between the both of us, seeing if anybody is watching, somebody who might know Sebastian.
“I hope so.” He leans in to kiss me, but in fear I push at his chest, shaking my head, darting my eyes to see if anybody saw the near-kiss between us. A look of confusion, then hurt, crosses his face, until u
nderstanding painfully ignites. “Oh, yeah, I’m sorry.” he says sheepishly, pausing awkwardly. I take a step forward, when my stomach lurches with sadness, but he steps away from my grasp, grimacing through a smile. “I forgot where we were. I’ll…um catch you later.”
My eyes widen at the hostility in his voice. I watch in shock as he suddenly turns and starts to walk away from me. I shout out his name in desperation, and he comes to a reluctant stop at the sound of my voice, turning around to face me. I smile and walk the distance to him, pressing my lips against his, praying that nobody here knows Sebastian or that Caleb isn’t nearby witnessing my declaration of love. I rise onto my tiptoes
, pressing my mouth to his ears “I love you.” I pull away, noticing the scowl has disappeared in place of a smile.
He nods and mouths, ‘I love you too.” Then I move into the direction of my daughter. I am so giddy with excitement that I almost skip through the corridors,
eager to set eyes on my little girl for the first time in two days. I have missed her so much, too much. I almost feel like I am turning into one of those overbearing moms, but it’s only because of how much I love her. I do my usual sanitizing when I get onto the NICU, and then wash my hands and arms. I see Caleb immediately when I walk in, sat comfortably in the chair beside Lily’s bedside, then my eyes fall onto Lily. That’s when I halt my steps, in surprise. Before I left for Miami she had been in her incubator, but now she is in a white metal crib.
I laugh quietly as I approach, taking my first appreciative look at my Lily in
over forty-eight hours. “Now what’s going on here? I go away for two days, and I come back, and you’re in a crib? Way to go, Lily.” She’s asleep, but that doesn’t stop my quiet ramblings. I adjust her little pink hat and press a kiss against her little head. “I’ve missed you so much, sweetie pie, and you,” I finally say to Caleb with a smile, pulling him into a hug.
“How was your flight?”
Caleb asks once he pulls away, looking down at me.
I glance down at Lily for a moment, my heart swelling at seeing her in a crib, the
n I move my eyes back to Caleb. “Too long, I couldn’t get off the plane fast enough. I’m glad to be home.” I glance back down at my daughter, placing my forefinger into the crook of her little hand, my heart tingling when she latches on fist tight. “I can’t believe she’s in a crib, when did this happen?”
He goes to stand on the opposite side of her crib an
d takes hold of her other hand. “Yesterday. Her vitals have improved so much that the neonatologist wanted to see if she could maintain her own temperature, and so far she’s doing well. It’s still early days, but if she keeps it up, it could just be a couple more weeks in this place.”
I cannot keep the smile off my face at the
prospect of taking her home. “I guess I had nothing to worry about, huh?” I say, unable to take my eyes off Lily, admiring her beautiful little face, looking every bit like her father. At that thought, I have to fight away at the penetrating guilt that simmers in my gut. I can’t deal with that right now. I’m still trying to come to terms with my sister’s death and the demons that bind us together.
“I told you she would be fine.”
“I know, I know. I’m a mom, it’s my job to worry.” I look back down and I smile when her big bright brown eyes open, exploring her surroundings. I stroke gently against her soft cheek, unable to keep my hands to myself. She’s so delicate, and after my sister’s funeral, the magnitude of having to bury her makes me feel even more blessed to have Lily in my life. She is my life, and I will protect her until my last dying breath. Something I never did with Fran and I will regret that for the rest of my life.
“
It seems your mom didn’t get that memo,” he says, with a roll of his eyes.
“
Yeah, let’s not go there. She isn’t even worth my thoughts. I just want to concentrate on Lily.”
Lily
’s nurse comes over smiling when she notices me. “Hey, Ava, I didn’t realize you were back. How are you doing?” she asks with a hint of sympathy, which tells me Caleb’s been telling her my life story while I’ve been away.
“
I’m okay, I’m all the better for seeing my baby girl though, it’s been a long two days without her.”
“
I bet,” she says, taking a glance down at Lily, before looking back up at me. “How was Miami?” I have to refrain from rolling my eyes at her question. She asks the question like I went on a short vacation, topping up my tan, drinking mojitos by the beach all day. It was anything but an exotic vacation.
“
Depressing. Let’s just say I’m glad to be home.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, sweetheart.” I give her a sad smile and look back down at my daughter.
“Do you think I can hold Lily? I desperately need her in my arms.” I must sound pathetic, but I’ve missed her, so damn much.
“Of course you can, go ahead.” I smile eagerly as I gently adjust her white-fleeced Winnie-the-Pooh blanket, gently maneuvering her bod
y comfortably until she is lay central to the blanket and then I wrap it loosely around her entire body. Once she is nice and cozy in the warmth of the blanket, I pick her up with one hand supporting her head, while placing my other hand under her bottom, lifting her up to my chest, cradling her and it feels perfect. I make myself comfortable in the rocking chair and admire her, in complete silence. I can feel overwhelming tears blur my vision at the feel of her little body in my arms.
“You’re so perfect, I love you.” I press a tender kiss against her head, and then I latch onto her hand that has escaped the blanket, with my pinkie finger.
Caleb crouches down beside me. “You’re a natural.”
I smirk, laughing lightly at his hushed tone, watching as Lily’s eyes wander over
his face, almost entranced by what she is looking at. “I don’t know about that, but I’m trying.”
I see Caleb take out his phone from the back pocket of his jeans, slides his thumb against the touch screen, then he lifts it up as
if wanting to take a snap shot. “Let’s take a picture, I’ll send it to Sebastian.” I can’t help but tense up at the mention of Sebastian’s name. I feel guilty every time I hear his name. It’s only for a split second but Caleb notices. “What was that?”
“What was what?” I ask, acting the innocent.
“The tension at the mention of your fiancé’s name. What’s going on?” He gives me an inquiring look, but I just brush it off.
“Nothing’s going on. Are you going to take our picture or what?” I press on, giving him my cheesiest smile.
He just holds his phone limp in his hand, his forehead wrinkling with suspicion. “Not until you tell me what’s wrong.”
“There’s nothing wrong, I’d tell you if there was. I promise,” I say, with my most convincing smile. He gives me one last suspicious look before lifting his phone back up and snapping a couple of pictures, discarding his worries. I hate lying to him, but I have to until I get my head around everything.
During the next two hours, I feed Lily, then bathe her and get her dressed into a fresh little romper suit, before placing her back into her crib, where she falls into a peaceful sleep. It isn’t too long after when I start to feel the effects of the last two days, and I suddenly feel exhausted. I kiss my daughter goodbye, and without any arguments I let Caleb take me home.
The first thing I do once I get home is take a long and refreshing shower, and it seems to wake me up a little. I change into a pair of purple sweats and white tank top, leaving my wet hair hanging over one shoulder and head out into the living room. When I pad my bare feet against the wooden floors, I notice Caleb is sat on the sofa
pulling out takeout boxes from a paper bag and placing them on the coffee table. My stomach growls as the aroma of Chinese hits my senses, and it swiftly reminds me that I haven’t eaten since last night.
“
I hope there’s some orange chicken in there for me?” I ask as I sit crossed leg beside him, gently elbowing him in the side of the ribs.
“
Of course, and your usual fried rice and egg rolls. It’s not as if I can forget, you’ve ordered the same thing since college,” he says through laughter.
“
What can I say, I’m predictable.” I dish out a small portion of orange chicken and fried rice onto my plate and take out an egg roll from the carton, biting a small piece off and chew it appreciatively, moaning as the flavor hits my taste buds. The innocent moan triggers a memory of when Ashton took me to that Mexican restaurant and how he could barely control himself around me with my appreciative sounds for food. Then that triggers another memory, the memory of last night and the moans that rolled off his tongue when he was buried deep inside of me. The thought has my insides clenching and shuddering with sexual need, and I can’t keep the blush from covering my face and neck when I feel myself becoming damp with arousal. Luckily, Caleb is so involved in his own food he doesn’t notice my blush. I pick up my bottle of water from the coffee table and take a refreshing sip, hoping the liquid will cool down my libido. Finally, feeling composed, I continue with the delicious Chinese meal while chatting idly.
I clear the empty cartons and plates from the coffee table and make my way into the kitchen, placing the cartons in the trash, and plates and cutlery into the dishwasher.
“Your phone keeps beeping in your purse; do you want me grab it?” I hear Caleb shouting from the living room.
“Yeah, please!” I shout through to him without any thought as I push the dishwasher door closed with my hip.
When I casually walk back into the living room, that’s when I see Caleb intently reading something on my phone, and my heart skids to a stop when I see the scowl on his beautiful face. He turns to look at me, his shoulders heavily rising and falling, nostrils flaring, his head shaking with disapproval, an angry glint in his eyes. “You. Got. A. Text.”
My eyes widen at his angry growl. He throws the phone at me in anger, but I manage to catch it with both hands before it smashes into pieces against the wooden floor.
“You lied to me.”
“W-what?” I stutter, nearly breaking my phone in half with my intense grip.
“Don’t act innocent, Ava. You told me nothing was wrong!” I shudder as his voice becomes louder with each furious word.
“I don’t, I don’t understand…” I feel my eyes filling up with unwelcome tears.
He charges at me and grabs the phone out of my hand and forces the lit up screen in front of my face. “Read it,” he spits out. I take an uneasy gulp, my eyes retreating from my scary friend, to the lit up words on my phone. Taking the phone from Celeb’s hand, I realize it’s a message from Ashton. Just seeing his name is enough for my heart to flutter but as I continue to read his words, I understand why Caleb is angry with me. He has every right to be. My heart drops.
Ashton:
Hi baby,
Everything went okay with my attending.
Just had to tell a little white lie.
Can I see you later?
I can’t stop thinking about last night.
I Love you.
x
Seeing the realization cross my features, Caleb walks away from me, pulling at the strands of his hair in frustration. Slamming my eyes closed, I allow the tears to run down my face, despising the look of disappointment I can see in Caleb’s eyes. This boy is the brother I should’ve had, and the disappointment from family hurts the worst, and I have disappointed him in the worst possible way. I have fucked up.
“Caleb I…” I begin, but the words feel restricted at the edge of my throat. I have no words. I am speechless.
“I knew this would happen, I just fucking knew it. Jesus, the way he was looking at you. It was blatantly obvious from the start, but he couldn’t have stayed away could he? He couldn’t keep his goddamn hands off you! I should have never let him go to Miami with you. He took advantage of you, just like I knew he would have. Jesus, Ava!” I startle at his outrage. This is a side of Caleb I rarely see, and I don’t like it. Especially with the way he’s bad mouthing Ashton. He should be bad mouthing me. I’m the one in the wrong, not Ashton.