Lorie's Heart (25 page)

Jonah had brought the tractor to pick up Lorie thinking she might prefer the faster transportation since she had spent three weeks riding around in cars.

“It's hard there.”

He frowned at her too simple answer. “What do you mean?”

“To live.” She turned toward him, and he could see the sadness in her eyes. “I don't know how Luke managed it.” She shook her head and faced forward once again. “Everyone expects you to have more schooling. You have to learn to drive. I guess that wouldn't be so hard for you since you can drive this. But I don't know how. The only job I could find was making minimum wage. A person can't live on that. I was staying with Zach's sister. It's just hard.”

He wished he hadn't asked. She didn't hate the people or how they treated her. She hated the fact that she didn't fit in. “If you could drive and had more education, would you have stayed?”

She tilted her head to one side. “I don't know. Maybe.”

He really wished he hadn't started this conversation. Things were going fine between them. Maybe not great, but fine. So why did he have to go and ruin it?

“Are you going to stay here, Lorie?”

“
Jah,
” she said. But she hesitated before answering.

“If he came after you would you go?”

“Jonah.”

“Would you?”

“Don't make me answer that.”

“I need to know, Lorie. I need to know where we're headed.”

“Can we just start from now and go forward from this point? Why do we have to go back?”

Because back was safe. Back was before her father died, and she discovered the secrets he'd kept. Before the fancy
Englischer
came into their lives and ruined everything. Before she left and returned a different person.

It was on the tip of his tongue to ask her if she loved him. If she loved Zach the
Englischer,
but he managed to bite it back. Some things he was better off not knowing.

“
Jah,
” he said. “Forward it is.” At least then they would be together, and that was all he had ever wanted.

 

 

“Lorie.” Sadie's voice drifted across their darkened room.

Lorie had thought her sister asleep when she had let herself in from her date with Jonah. She had been extra quiet as she changed into her nightclothes and climbed into bed. Not quiet enough that she didn't disturb her sister.

“
Jah?
”

She heard Sadie turn over in her bed. “Did you have fun tonight?”

“I s'pose.”

“Are you going to marry Jonah? I mean, I know you're not supposed to tell and all, but I just want to know. Melanie's getting married in a few weeks. If you marry Jonah that will leave me and Cora Ann.”

“I don't know,” she answered truthfully. “We talked a little about it tonight.”

“You did?” Sadie's voice was a mixture of happy and sad. “If you marry him, you'll stay,
jah?
”

“Of course.” Wasn't that the whole point? Come back and start over as a good little Amish girl. Pretend that she had not lived among the
Englisch.
Or tasted the freedoms there. Pretend that her father had not lied to everyone. Keep the secrets he started.

Thinking about it pressed against her shoulders like the weight of the world.

“I want you to stay,” Sadie started, “but I don't want you to get married and move out. I would miss you so.”

Lorie turned to her side to face her sister even though she could barely make out her form in the dark. “Me too. But it'll be a while before that happens. I still have to join the church. If we get married, it'll have to be next year.”

“I hadn't thought of that.” Sadie gave another sigh. “I don't think I'll ever get married.”

“Don't say that. Of course you will.”

“
Nay.
I'm twenty years old. And Chris . . .” Her voice trailed off into the darkness between them.

“You never know what God has in store for you.”

“I've told myself that for so long, I was almost starting to believe it. But now I realize God may have different plans for me.”

“Like what?”

“I do not know, but I'm searching for signs.”

Lorie smiled in the dark. Her sister was special. She always had been. She was kindhearted and sweet, the favorite cook and waitress at the restaurant by far. “What's wrong with wife and mother?”

“Have you not been listening to me?” Sadie asked without malice.

“I guess we will find out in His time.”

“
Jah.
” Sadie grew quiet and for a time Lorie thought she had fallen asleep. “I don't know if I told you, but I'm really glad you're home.”

“Me too,” she said, hoping her sister didn't hear it for the lie that it was.

 

 

She had to be
ab im kopp
for coming here. Or maybe she was off in the head because she thought Merv King might have the answers she needed.

He was sitting on his porch when she pulled the team into his drive. Two glasses and a pitcher of lemonade sat on the small table next to him. He smiled and waved, then waited patiently for her to tether her horse. She wouldn't be there long enough to turn the mare out into the pasture. She shouldn't be there at all.

“
Oi,
there, Lorie Kauffman. It took you long enough to get here.”

She wasn't sure how to respond so she gave him a quick hello in return and climbed onto the porch to sit in the chair next to him. “How was Pinecraft?” she asked.

“How was the
Englisch
world?” he countered. He poured them both a glass of lemonade. Lorie realized he was waiting for her to start her story, but she was at a loss. How was the
Englisch
world? Big? Scary? Hard to survive in?

But it was really none of those things.

“It was sad for me,” she finally managed.

“Sad how?”

“Sad because I couldn't see everyone here. But I still liked it. I mean, it was hard and different, but it was an adventure, you know?”

“
Jah,
” he said. “I know.” They sat in silence for a few moments. “Are you going back?” he asked.

“
Nay.
” She took a drink of the lemonade to ease her suddenly dry throat.

“Tell me,” Merv said.

How did he do that? How did he know that she was holding back things she hadn't even admitted to herself? “The thought of never going back fills me with such sadness it makes my knees weak.”

“And thoughts of leaving here?”

“Are the same.” She stood and went to the porch railing, staring out toward the road. A few trees blocked her view, but she could still see a bit of the asphalt ahead, Merv's dented mailbox, and the rusty fence on the other side of the road.

“So you are trapped in between. The girl who wants to be in both places and belongs in neither.”

“What do I do?” she asked into the wind.

“What do you want to do?” Merv asked in return.

She had no idea. “Why is this so hard?”

“Everything worthwhile always is,” Merv said. “But you're a smart girl. If you want something bad enough, you'll find a way.”

His words echoed in her head all the way back to her house. She unhitched the buggy and turned the mare out into the pasture. Then she wandered down past the old smokehouse to the bottom of the hill. There used to be a creek there, but it had long since dried up. Or had the water gotten tired of its home in those banks and just gone somewhere else?

She sat down in the tall grass and looked out over where the creek used to run. Was it as simple as Merv King said? Was there an answer that she wasn't seeing?

She missed Zach, Betty, and the rest of the seniors at the living center. But if she left Wells Landing, she would miss her family, the restaurant, and the friends she had made over her lifetime.

Merv was right. She belonged neither place. So where should she stay?

The rumble of an engine sounded from the direction of the road. Daniel was home.

She pushed herself to her feet and brushed the dried grass from her skirt. Life without Zach or life without Daniel. The choice was clear. For now she was staying right where she was.

July faded into August and before Lorie realized it September turned to October. The atmosphere around the Kauffman household was happier than it had been in a long while. The closer they got to Melanie's wedding the more the air crackled with excitement. Lorie floated along doing her best to fit back into daily Amish life while trying not to miss Zach so much it hurt. Every day she had to stop herself from going to the phone shanty to call him or the Sundale Retirement and Assisted Living Center to find out how he was. How Betty was and how the rest of the seniors at the living center were doing. Had they figured out what leprechaun pudding was?

And painting. She missed painting so bad it left a metallic taste in her mouth. But staying Amish meant living by the Amish rules. Technically she was still in
rumspringa,
but it wouldn't be any easier to give up painting next year once she started her baptism instruction again.

She sighed and plunged her hands into the large bowl of biscuit dough. It was her turn to serve time in the kitchen. It wasn't so bad. She actually enjoyed her days of solitude when she was head cook. She didn't have to force a smile or pretend to enjoy chatting with
Englischers
who didn't know how lucky they had it. They weren't caught between two worlds. They didn't have to choose between the two things that made them the happiest.

She had finally come to terms with what happened between her and Zach. But she had to remove herself from him in order to see it. It was just another example of what happened when two people from two different backgrounds collided. Regardless of her feelings for him or any feelings he might have had for her, how were they supposed to overcome everything that stood between them? She was Amish, and they were expected to marry earlier. They looked for a mate, and she had projected those feelings onto Zach.

Lorie took out a handful of dough and patted it flat on the floured counter. She rolled it to less than an inch thick, then started cutting out biscuits for the dinner crowd.

“Can I talk to you?”
Mamm
stuck her head in the kitchen, her gaze settling on Lorie.

“
Jah.
Of course. Just let me finish these biscuits.”

“Cora Ann can do that. Come on.” She motioned Lorie toward the door.

Lorie washed her hands and dried them on a towel before following
Mamm
into the back offices of the restaurant. The space was cramped and filled with boxes filled with years of bookkeeping. She perched on the metal chair in front and waited on
Mamm
to scooch behind the desk. Lorie squirmed in her chair as her mother stared at her.

“What?”

“It's not easy,”
Mamm
said, her mouth turning down at the corners. Lorie had never seen her look quite as old and tired as she did in that moment. And for the first time since her father's death, Lorie wondered how she was handling life without Henry Kauffman. “It's not easy for me to admit that I've been wrong.”

To Lorie's dismay
Mamm'
s eyes filled with tears. “
Mamm,
what's the matter?” She leaned forward in her chair and clasped Maddie's hands into her own.

Maddie shook her head. “Let me finish while I still can.” She took a deep breath and squeezed Lorie's fingers. “When I told you that you had to choose, I thought I was doing what was right for everyone. But then you left. I prayed for you day and night. Daniel hardly ate anything while you were gone. Sadie cried herself to sleep every night. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to live through. I don't want to go through that again.”

“You won't,” Lorie promised. “I never meant to worry you.”

“You are worrying me still.”

Lorie shook her head. “I don't mean to.”

“You smile and act like everything is okay, but when you think no one is looking, I see the sadness in your eyes.”

Lorie blinked back tears of her own. She released
Mamm'
s fingers to dash them away with the back of one hand.

“I should have never made you choose.”

“You were only looking out for the family.”

Maddie gave her a patient smile. “I was only looking out for myself.” She shook her head. “When I first saw your father's tattoo, we were already married. I needed him. He needed me, so I chose to believe what he told me about it.”

“That he got it during his
rumspringa.
”

“I believed him because it was easier than facing the truth.”

“Which was?” Lorie asked.

“That maybe he wasn't who he said he was.”

“He wasn't,” Lorie whispered.

“I know.”

“But that doesn't mean he wasn't a good man.”

“I realize that now, but at the time . . .” She sighed. “I'm only human.”

“He was only trying to protect me.” She told
Mamm
about the letter she had read. All the things her father did to protect her from her mother's family's influence. And how Zach had taken her to Dallas to meet the Prescotts.

“Zach. That's the
Englisch bu
you've been seeing?”

“
Nay.
I mean,
jah.
Yes. But that's over now.”

“He is the reason you are so sad.”

Lorie nodded. “It's just . . . I don't think he cares about me the same way I care about him.”

“Then he's more of a fool than most
Englisch
.”

Lorie smiled at
Mamm'
s motherly attitude. “It's all right.” Her heart was broken, but one day soon it would be whole again. She hoped.

“So what now?” Maddie asked.

“Nothing, I guess. Help Melanie get married. See where things go with Jonah. Baptism classes next year.”

“You don't want to return to the
Englisch?
”

“I didn't say that.”

“So you do.”

“I didn't say that either.”

“Either you do or you don't, Lorie. It can't be both. What is it that you want?”

She wanted to be able to see her family, but she wanted to know who she might have been had her father made different choices all those years ago. She might not be the exact same person, but she would be different than she was now. She might have been a secretary in a big office building, a teacher for young children, or even an artist.

“There was a time when I wanted to see what was out there for me,” she finally whispered. She stiffened her spine and waited for
Mamm
to redden with anger. But that didn't happen. Instead of frustration and ire, Maddie looked at her with love and hope.

“Then you should go back.”

Lorie shook her head. “I don't have money or a job. No schooling to help me get a job.” No Zach.

“You think you are the only Amish to ever leave?” Maddie asked. “If you want it bad enough, you will figure out how to get it.”

Hadn't Merv King said almost those same words to her? The problem was she didn't know what she wanted. Well, she did. But she wanted both worlds and that was the one thing she couldn't have.

“This might help though.” She extracted an envelope from the top drawer of the desk and pushed it across to her.

“It's open,” Lorie said as she studied the return address. Sundale Retirement and Living Center. And it had arrived almost two months ago.

“I meant no harm.” Maddie shrugged. “I only wanted to protect you.”

Lorie pulled out the letter and unfolded it. Another piece of paper fluttered out and landed in her lap. It was a check for a thousand dollars! She scanned the letter, suddenly realizing why Luke had called and asked her what she wanted to do with her paintings. She told him that he could keep them. She had no idea he might have other plans.

“He sold my paintings?” She looked to
Mamm
for confirmation.

“I had no idea there were any paintings.”

Heat filled Lorie's cheeks. She had kept so many secrets herself. “I was afraid of disappointing everyone.”

“You seem to have a talent,”
Mamm
said. “I can hardly find disappointment in that.” She took a deep breath. “And I won't stop you.”

“Are you saying I can go back to the
Englisch
world?” She had to have misunderstood.

“That's exactly what I am saying.”

“What about the family?”

“If you are following your heart, I won't keep your siblings from you.”

“You mean that?” Lorie could hardly believe her ears.

“More than I've ever meant anything in my life.”

Lorie launched herself across the desk and wrapped her arms around her
mamm.
Not an expressive person, it was a few minutes before her arms came around and squeezed Lorie in return.

“Does this mean you are leaving?”

Lorie shook her head. “I don't know what I'm going to do. But when I decide you'll be the first to know.”

 

 

It was the hardest decision Jonah had ever made in his life. He prayed about it, consulted with his father, even asked his mother what to do. In the end they told him that it was his decision whether or not to take his relationship with Lorie back to the level it had been before she left. It wasn't that he didn't love her. He'd loved her since he was eighteen years old. The question was should he put his heart on the line again. Was she happy back with the Amish or would she leave once more only to break his heart in two?

He swung down from his tractor and straightened his suspenders. He repositioned his hat, cleared his throat, and stared at the sky as he gathered his thoughts and his courage. He'd parked directly in front of the Kauffman Family Restaurant in hopes of talking to Lorie today. Settle this between them. Get both of their futures outlined and facing forward.

He stepped inside the restaurant, his gaze immediately seeking her out. It had always been that way between them. She captured his attention from the start. Always had.

She was standing by the ice machine. He caught her attention, sending a wave in her direction. Then she wiped her hands on a dishtowel and headed his way.

“I didn't expect to see you today.”

Jonah tucked his hands into his pockets, suddenly more nervous than he had ever been. “Can I talk to you for a bit?”

“
Jah,
let me get Sadie to watch my table for me.”

“I can wait.”

“No need. I just have the one.” She went back to the waitress station and spoke to her sister for a minute before joining him at the door once again. “Do you want a cup of coffee? Or an iced tea?”

He shook his head. “Can we walk for a bit?”

She frowned. “Sure.”

Together they headed out the door and down the street toward the small city park that split Main Street down the middle. Despite the encroaching autumn, the sun beat down on his shoulders as he led her toward the park.

“Why do I have the feeling this isn't going to be good?” she asked.

“Is that how you want it to be, Lorie?”

She shook her head. “I don't want to fight with you. It's just been a long . . . day.”

It had been a long summer.

They wandered over to a picnic table and sat on the tabletop, their feet on the bench below. A few kids were playing on the swings while a couple more were at the slide, one trying to go down while the other crawled up the chute.

“When you left, I didn't know if you were ever coming back.”

“I'm sorry.” She clasped his hand in her own, squeezing his fingers. “I worried a lot of people and that was never my intention.”

“I know that now.” He turned her hand over in his and looked at the tiny creases lining her palms. “But at the time I was angry and hurt.”

She nodded, but otherwise didn't respond.

“I've prayed even more since you came back.”

“Why?”

“For understanding and wisdom. See, I didn't know what I should do. The girl I love has come back home, but we can't get married now.”

“Because of the baptism instruction.”

“
Jah.
” He looked out over the playground. The wind blew a wayward kite across the ground. It tumbled and turned in the Oklahoma breeze. A young boy about eight years old chased after it, a chocolate Lab on his heels.

“But I also realized a lot of other things while you were away.”

“You did?” she asked.

“I learned that it's not
gut
to take someone for granted.”

“You think I took you for granted?” she asked.

“I think I took you for granted.”

She tilted her head to one side, the strings from her prayer
kapp
brushing against their fingers. “What are you saying, Jonah?”

“I'm saying that I want to marry you, Lorie Kauffman. I have wanted nothing more since I was eighteen years old. But in all that time I never once asked you to be my wife.” He moved down to the bench below her. He held one of her hands in his while she pressed the other one to her mouth. Her brown eyes were wide and filled with tears. He could only hope that was a
gut
sign. “Will you?” he asked. “Marry me, that is.”

“Jonah, I—”

“Wait.” He held up one hand. “Before you answer. I need to tell you something else.”

She swallowed hard and nodded, dropping her hand into her lap as she waited for what he would say next.