Losing Gabriel (23 page)

“Did you know he was using, Bobby? Did you know and not tell us? Did you?” The four of them were standing outside the bus. Sloan peppered Bobby with questions.

“I didn't know. Swear to God!” He looked to Hal and Sy to rescue him from Sloan's fury. “Did you guys know?”

Sloan spun to face the others.
“Did you?”

The others shook their heads. “I never saw him use,” Sy said.

“
You
were sleeping with him,” Hal sniped. “If you didn't know, how could we?”

Sloan rushed toward Hal, but Sy caught her before she could rake her nails down his face. “Shhh. Calm down. This isn't helping. None of us knew, Sloan. My guess is he just did it on the fly. He hooked up with some dealer and bought himself some junk and paid for it with his life. Shit happens.”

She couldn't hold back the sobs fighting to get out. Sy folded her in his arms, let her cry herself out. After the storm of tears, she pulled away, saw how the others had tears of their own. The loss of Jarred was sinking in and they were all unraveled. Heat radiated from the outside of the bus, the metal hot enough to burn bare skin. Sloan blew out a lungful of air, struggling to regain control. “Sorry, Bobby. I shouldn't have—”

“Not a problem. We're all wrecked.”

The sun beat down without mercy.

“What now?” Hal asked.

“Soon as the cops say we can leave, we'll go back to my place…regroup.” This from Sy. “For now let's get back on the bus. Hot as hell out here.”

Hal cranked up the generator to get the AC going. Sloan took a seat, leaning her forehead against the warm glass of a side window. She gazed at the flat fields, the trampled brown grass, empty of Bonnaroo fans but spotted with crews of maintenance people cleaning up the site, where soon, like her dreams, all debris would be hauled away to the trash.

“P
ops go bye in plane?” Gabe asked, looking bewildered.

Standing in the Nashville airport, near the TSA line where only ticketed travelers were allowed to pass through, Dawson held Gabe for a last look at his grandfather. Minutes before, Franklin had told his son and Lani goodbye, kissed Gabe, waved from the far side of the security checkpoint, and disappeared into the flow of passengers. Gabe had seen no airplane, so Dawson understood why he was confused. “Yeah, little man. Pops is going on the airplane.”

“No plane! Gabe want Pops.”

Dawson watched Gabe's face begin to crumble into a good cry.

Lani, standing next to him, came to his rescue. “Hey, Gabe. How would you like a special treat?” She pointed to the place selling miscellaneous goodies to departing travelers.

Gabe's face lit up. Dawson lowered Gabe and Lani took his hand, and together they walked into the grab-and-go, where Gabe selected a bag of gummy bears.

“Thanks for the save,” Dawson said as they walked toward the escalator. “He was about to have a meltdown.”

“Distraction. A potent weapon.”

Dawson nodded, but deep down he was as disconcerted as Gabe over saying goodbye to his father. The last week had been a whirlwind of packing up boxes of books, papers, clothing, memorabilia, and keepsakes that would be shipped to Chicago from both Franklin's home and Windemere hospital offices. Franklin had rented a place to live, arranged by a Chicago broker and seen only through photos online. The loft he'd chosen was a modern spacious two-bedroom near the Medical Center. A new way of life for all of them.

Once in the parking garage, Dawson asked, “What do you say we go find some dinner? I mean, since we're in the big city. That okay with you, Lani?”

“Love to. I'm starving.” With last-minute details, the rush to get Gabe up from his nap—which left him cranky—and the fifty-plus-mile drive to the Nashville airport, Lani hadn't taken time to eat since breakfast. Once they'd piled into the SUV, she'd sat in the backseat with Gabe strapped in his car seat and read to him during the trip.

“Eat!” Gabe yelled. “Chicken nuggets.”

Dawson rolled his eyes. “Don't want to go any place where we have to read a menu off a wall. Your thoughts, Lani?”

“Let's just drive until we see a place that we like.”

Dawson opened the sunroof, remembering how Franklin had handed him the keys and said, “Don't need it in Chicago.” The year before, Dawson had traded in his old car for a pickup, and although Gabe's car seat fit snugly in the truck's rear seat, the SUV was far more comfortable. Another gift from Franklin he couldn't repay.

Dawson turned out of the airport and headed into the sprawling city. A plane taking off roared above the SUV. Gabe, looking up, waved. “Bye-bye, Pops!”

They settled on a Western-styled restaurant chain known to be kid friendly and took a booth by a window with a view of the evening sky. Gabe sat in a booster chair, enthralled watching his dad shell peanuts from a bucket on the table and drop the shells on the floor.

Lani shelled a few nuts and gave the husks to Gabe, who tossed them downward and leaned over to see where his shells landed. “Must be a guy thing.”

“Hope he doesn't carry the habit home.” Dawson flashed her a grin.

They ordered and when the waitress dressed in a blue T-shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots, brought their food and set down the plates, she smiled and said, “Y'all have the cutest little boy.”

“Oh. I—” Lani started to correct her.

Dawson shrugged it off and said, “Thank you.” The waitress hurried away. To Lani he said, “Why explain? We do have a cute kid with us.”

Lani busied herself with cutting up the restaurant's version of chicken nuggets for Gabe, enjoying the simple pleasure of the three of them.

Dawson thought she wore contentment like some girls wore new clothes.

She felt Dawson's eyes on her. Wondering if she had food caught between her teeth, she glanced at him self-consciously.

Gabe grabbed a french fry, brandishing it in the air like a sword. Dawson parked his fork on his plate of barbeque ribs. “Lani, there's going to be some upheaval in the house for a while.”

She looked up, wary, wondering what “upheaval” meant for her.

“I'm trading in that shoe box–size bedroom on the other side of Gabe's room for the bedroom Dad was using.” When he had turned his high school basement bedroom into Gabe's playroom, Dawson had moved into the third upstairs bedroom, a space barely big enough for a bed and dresser. The middle room, the former guest room, was Gabe's, his crib replaced by a toddler bed shaped like a train engine and with side guards so he wouldn't roll off but that he could easily exit. Gabe loved it.

The basement now held a sleeper sofa, a craft table and chairs, and walls lined with cubbies for toys, puzzles, and books. Riding toys were scattered for play on rainy or high pollen days. “I'd like to paint the room before I move in, but I'm wondering about the best way to deal with the smell and how it will affect Gabe.”

“Don't worry…we'll figure it out.” Lani was relieved that the upheaval was something simple and only involved sweat equity. Her job would remain the same.

The child looked up. “I paint too, Daddy.”

Dawson tousled Gabe's hair. “Probably not this time, buddy.”

By the time they were finishing their meals, Gabe was nodding off. Dawson put the boy in his car seat and drove to Windemere, trading a mix of music from his and Lani's phones on the SUV's audio system. At the house, Dawson carried Gabe upstairs, settled him in his bed, and turned on the bedroom's night-light and air purifier.

When he came downstairs and onto the porch, Lani rose from a wicker chair. “Did he wake up?”

“Never blinked.” Sounds of tree frogs and crickets filled a night scented by summer jasmine. “I kept you too late.”

“No way. I wanted to come with you. Your dad helped me go after my dream of becoming a nurse, and I'll always be grateful to him. I hope he'll be happy in Chicago.” Now that they were alone and she was to leave, she thought of the waitress thinking she was Gabe's mother. She had to accept that she was Gabe's caregiver, nothing more.

Dawson couldn't shake a feeling of loss. His father was gone, just him and Gabe now. He stared down at Lani. And this girl…this tenderhearted girl who had come into his and Gabe's lives and made both their lives better. Somehow, over the months, his feelings toward Lani had changed. He wanted to take her in his arms, touch her skin, kiss her mouth. He wanted to feel her body pressed to his. He
wanted…
He stepped closer.

Lani's heartbeat quickened. She wanted him to kiss her. From down the street came the sound of a car door slamming, and with it the return of reality. Life had boundaries. She was a caregiver. She could not afford to alter her commitment to the child no matter how much she wanted Dawson Berke. She took a step backward.

Dawson saw her move away, and it stopped him cold. If he touched her, if he kissed her the way he wanted to, everything would change. Gabe needed Lani more than Dawson, and for much longer than this moment, this single night. In the final equation, Gabe was what mattered. Dawson sucked in his breath, stepped aside, and jammed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He cleared his throat, hoped his voice held steady. “See you in the morning?”

“Seven sharp.” Trembling with what had almost happened between them, she hurried down the porch steps and jumped into her car. She backed out, glancing at her cell phone, dumped earlier on the front seat, and saw that she had a text from Ben sent hours before.

Where are u? When I came to pick you up tonight Mel said you went to airport. Why didn't you tell me? What's going on?

Lani groaned. She had totally forgotten her movie date with Ben. Feelings of guilt and self-recrimination flooded through her. She was an awful girlfriend! Ben deserved better. Her feelings for Dawson had resurfaced, taken root. How could she stay with Ben when her heart longed for another?