Lost Angel (The List #1) (15 page)

I let out a sigh—or rather, a lie—of pleasure
and we continue like this for a few minutes. Leaning back down, I kiss him again
but reluctantly concede that nothing about this foreplay is going to miraculously
blow me away so I reach for the condom.  

Silently I pray that he’s holding back some
tricks and it’s going to be a good finale… Then as he moves his hands to clasp
them behind his head, I notice him wiping his fingers on his pillow, almost it
some sort of neat-freak way of disgust. Any morsel of desire I had left, just
sprinted out the room screaming ‘
You’re having a fucking laugh’
. He
should be licking his fingers clean as though it’s water in a desert because it’s
a miracle there’s any lubrication there in the first place—it certainly wasn’t from
his doing.

I need to get this dick inside me before I
decide to lean forward and suffocate him with my breasts instead. My inner Miss
Fierce is trying to convince me that it’d be a good way to go…

I take the condom out and hand it to him as I shuffle
down his thighs to give him access. He fumbles around with it for a while—he can’t
even manage this. Just as I’m about to take over he pulls my hips back into position.
As much as I’d prefer skin to skin, it’s too much effort now. I don’t think he’ll
appreciate it and he hasn’t earned it so he doesn’t deserve it anyway. Fuck it,
my dress is staying on.

Steve stares deeply into my eyes. “Are you
ready?” I nod slowly and close my eyes briefly, hoping that he can’t see into
my mind as my alter ego double act are rolling around on the floor in
hysterics.

I take hold of him, pulling my thong back to
the side and get him in position. Lowering myself down, I finally feel some of
the pleasure I’ve been chasing for the last… well it’s got to be what… nine
maybe even ten minutes!? My expectations have been overinflated—I’m going to
kill Willow.

Steve is lying back grinning like a cool Cheshire
cat until I lock down my hips hard and roll forward taking him as deep as he’ll
go. He quickly loses his arrogant pretence and shifts his hands to my hips in a
panic. “Whoa there, eager beaver!”

‘Eager fucking beaver’!? Sorry Steve, I’ve
given you plenty of chances to call the shots, too little too late now I’m
afraid. I shut him up with a kiss and repeat my rolling hip action over and
over. He tries to mumble something but I just deepen the kiss, not wanting to
hear another word from him. God knows what’s gotten into me but I like the
feeling of taking charge, even if it is out of desperation for an orgasm.

I have to give myself permission to imagine I’m
straddling Jaxson’s tidy waist instead, it’s the only chance I’ve got. I lean
back up, closing my eyes, visualising myself towering over Jaxson’s
immaculately muscular upper body, staring into his lovely eyes. I must’ve
thought of Jaxson’s body so much lately it’s not difficult to picture him lying
beneath me. I rotate my hips and push down as hard as I can each time trying but
failing to hit the spot. My mind’s all over the place.

Opening my eyes and resting my hands on his,
Steve’s breathing has hitched. I can see he is close to coming already. I
haven’t got long so I have to morph him back into Jaxson and move my hand between
my legs. I squeeze my fingers around the base of his cock and he grunts in
pleasure, thinking this good deed is for him. In reality, I just want to rub my
palm against my clit for some much needed extra stimulation.

I replace my palm with Jaxson’s and I’m finally
reaching… and reaching… for a long awaited orgasm tha—at… has just fucked off out
the door to catch up with my scraps of desire. It’s flatlined before it ever
really began and I don’t even get chance to fake an orgasm for him. Not that he
deserves it, but that’s my usual protocol at the end of unfulfilling sex.

My vagina must be cursed. I am still the best
person to make me come and at my age, that’s just depressing as hell.

Steve immediately pushes my hips up and mutters
something about me getting off him so he can take off the condom. What a
gentleman!

I oblige feeling used, how the fuck did that
happen? He blatantly knows I didn’t come but I can tell by his body language
that he got what he wanted, the shutters are down and he has no intention of turning
any attention to me. Possibly that’s because he hasn’t got a fucking clue how
to please a woman anyway. I shake my head in irritation and I go to the
bathroom. I lock the door and perch myself on the side of the bath to finish
the job and ease this pent up frustration. Then I need to get the hell out of
here.

I vow to go shopping with Wills as soon as
possible to treat myself to a new vibrator.

Men are totally overrated.

I hitch my dress up to my hips and feel my
thong is soaking wet. My blood chills my veins at the realisation that there is
no way in the world this is all me.
Fuck!
I wipe and wash myself feeling
physically sick then return to the bedroom.

The look on Steve’s face confirms my suspicion
and then I see the near empty condom in his hands.
Fuckity, fuck, f-fuck!
Can this get any worse?

Thursday 26
^th
March 2015

2:01pm

W
illow called around places first thing this
morning and managed to secure me a cancellation appointment at a private sexual
health clinic for this morning. I had a full house of screening and took the
morning-after pill.

What an ironic position I’ve found myself in… A
fortnight ago I wanted my husband to commit to trying for a baby in the future…
Now my body is currently absorbing an emergency contraception to prevent
pregnancy from a stranger on a one night stand.

I barely said a word at the clinic; just
nodding and answering questions when prompted. I now have to face an
agonisingly long week of waiting for the results. Steve was fairly convincing
with his argument as to how clean he is but I need to hear it from the
professionals. I already feel like he hoodwinked me, albeit unintentionally.

Once we’re back at home, I take a long bubble
bath to wash away last night and my visit to the clinic. My thoughts carelessly
travel to the lovely warm fuzzy feeling of being called ‘
Angel’
by my
horny forbidden gladiator. In truth, Jaxson hasn’t been far from my thoughts
since Tricks, which seems like so long ago. How can I allow somebody to dominate
my thoughts after such little interaction? It’s as if I don’t have a choice in
the matter, which is ridiculous and proves that my decision not to instigate
anything more with him is the correct one. I’d be like a lamb to the slaughter.

After last night, I feel like I’ve taken ten
steps backwards and for the first time since moving in with Wills, I begin to
doubt myself and the way that I’ve handled my separation. Maybe I shouldn’t
have started being physical with anybody so soon. Maybe I wasn’t ready, emotionally
or even physically, as much as my body would argue the point. I feel disorientated
inside my own head, empty and confused.

My life has always had a definitive path to
follow. I should know, I stupidly paved it myself, brick by brick. Now I’ve come
to terms with my biggest mistakes and I admit that I wasn’t anywhere near as
happy as I’d convinced myself that I was. My structured relationship gave me false
security, it was my comfort blanket. Everything was simple; black or white. Now
I’ve plunged so far into the grey that this so-called angel feels more lost now
than ever before. I’m trying and failing to find my way. I want to feel like I
belong but I’m not the type of person who feels at home in the grey and I can’t
imagine that ever changing.

5:46pm

Willow has made me something to eat and won’t
take no for an answer. We talk and talk at the kitchen island, which I know is
better than locking myself in my room stewing over it. When I do that, my
obsessive melodramatic mind quickly manages to blow situations way out of
proportion.

I repeat to her all the feelings of doubt and
anxiety I was thinking about in the bath. She knows I am questioning how I’ve
handled myself over the last week or so and that I’m regretting that stupid
‘Fuck It’ list. I feel better for just airing my thoughts.

Wills makes us a hot chocolate; comfort drinks
to match the unhealthy comfort snacks she thoughtfully picked up from the shops
on the way home. We go through to the lounge.

Feeling a little lighter, I tell her all about
last night in more detail and she doesn’t laugh once, which I was half
expecting as it sounds like a crazy comedy sketch when I recall it.

“B, if it makes you feel any better, my guy was
utter shite too. Maybe these stocks and shares guys don’t have it in them. Too
overworked and
underplayed
!”

“What?
Really
? I can’t imagine you
letting anybody get away with not satisfying you!” I always assumed Willow made
sure she had a good time every time.

“Beth, I’m not some man-eating sex mad bitch
you know, well maybe a little but you can never truly know if somebody is going
to be decent in bed or not, it’s always a gamble. I’ve had super shy girls that’ve
turned into pussy eating tigresses and knobnoxious beasts that’ve turned out to
be tame and lame. You win some, you lose some.”

“Knobnoxious? Is that a thing?”

“It is now! But seriously though, aside from
the whole condom splitting bullshit,
please
do not let this throw you
back. It might not feel like it now, but you’ve come a long way—Well not last
night, you didn’t
come
at all last night, but—” She’s smiling with sweet
innocence, taking my silence as an invitation to continue. “Joking aside B,
you’ve gotta get up, dust yourself off and get back on the
looooove train
.”
She makes a ‘choo-choo’ gesture by repeatedly fist pumping the sky.

“Oooh okay, okay, now you’ve got jokes?” I
raise my eyebrows and fold my arms, semi-serious. I can see her trying to judge
if she can push it a little bit more…

“Oh sorry, I thought you liked it…
Tell me
you like it
—” She pretends to zip up her mouth as I shake my head, but I
can’t hold in a little smirk. “That’s it, I’m done now, I promise.” Wills holds
her palms up to me in surrender. “Just let me know when you’re ready to laugh
about it though ‘cause I haven’t even started on whole finger wiping—”

“Yeah yeah, I get it. I’m such a joke. My sex
life is so ridiculously funny right?” She hears my sarcasm and comes to sit by
me on the sofa. I take a few deep breaths and she holds my hand, sensing the
storm that’s brewing. My eyes well up.

“It’s not just last night Wills, I feel out of
control and not in a free spirited, eleutheromaniac kinda way. I’ve kissed a
guy who didn’t stick around long enough to ask my name, kissed a girl, told a
gladiator I’m a lesbian and finally had a shit one night…
wait
… a shit
fifteen-minute-stand
and because the idiot fucked up the condom I’ve been to a fucking clinic to be
tested
.”
My tears are falling thick and fast now and my voice is barely understandable.
“No, you’re right Wills. We should be sitting here laughing our tits off at my pathetic
attempts to be sexy and single… You even had to make a list because I’m that
inexperienced, I don’t have a fucking clue what the—” Muffling my words, Willow
buries my tears into a bear hug. I give in and shut up. I didn’t expect to get
that emotional but as I hear myself, I feel like not only did I already fail at
being a wife but now I’m failing at being single.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, ssshhh. I didn’t mean to
upset you babes. I didn’t realise you were so cut up. I’m sorry.” Willow holds
me, rubbing my back until I’ve completely calmed down, which takes forever.

Willow puts on her serious face to make up for
failing at the light-hearted approach.

“Okay. Please just bear with me and listen… In
the time I’ve known you, I’ve
never
seen you consistently as happy as
you’ve been since living here. When I told you that you’d got a sparkle, it was
true and you’ve still got it. Even when you’re sitting here upset, you’ve still
got it. You’ve been so positive, free, open and just
happy,
that after
that shitty mess from last night, you’re understandably questioning everything.
But you can’t deny the fun times we’ve had in such a short amount of time.
Imagine what the future holds when you have such a positive, free spirited outlook
on life and live in the moment, just like your mom said.”

Wills lets go of my hands and passes me my mug.
“And I still think the ‘Fuck It’ list is a wicked idea. You know it wasn’t
written as a ‘dummies guide to getting laid’ so don’t even try and play it like
it was some sort of ‘pity plan’… The list is brief and leaves everything in
your hands; it was always just a bit of fun to help you be less controlling. Don’t
trample on it please, it will work if you give it chance.”

“Maybe.”

“I’m here for you but I’m not letting you go
into self-destruct mode so don’t bother thinking that I’m gonna be taking my
foot off the pedal because as your friend I honestly don’t think that’s what
you need.”

“Oh really? And what exactly do you think I
need?”

“You’re not a fragile little girl B, so I’d
never insult you by treating you like one. You’re a fucking strong woman who’s
accomplished so much but now is the time to ‘Fuck It’ and have some fun.” I’m
stunned by her words because without realising it, they’re exactly what I
needed to hear. She knows me so well. “Look, I’ll give you grace until you get the
all clear from the clinic. But then it’s game on. Back on track.” I blow my
nose with a tissue and pat my cheeks dry with my sleeve. Finally, I smile at
her and I can see in her eyes that’s she’s relieved. “Agreed?”

I know she’s right. I love that she talks
straight and tells me how it is. It somehow realigns me from my wayward
tendencies. I’ve let the dark cloud of negativity come and ruin my sunshine.
I’m going to use my time waiting for the results to get my head together and
then yes, it’s game on! “Fuck It!
Agreed,
you ruthless cow.” Another hug
and a high five, we clink hot chocolate mugs.

“Soooo Jax, the
gladiator
huh?” She
winks but knows it’s not the right time to press. “Anyway, you can cross off
number 2 – handjob! It may have been rubbish but it was an
experience
all the same. Two down, twenty-eight to go!” Forever the optimist.

We finish the evening watching “Mad Men” and
have a much needed early night. Later on I notice Wills work rota suggests she
should’ve been at work but I find out she’s called in to be with me.