Authors: Kelly Jamieson
Derek’s eyes widened. “What? No. Of course not.”
“Yeah, yeah. Come on be honest, you two don’t need me hanging around. You need your marital privacy.”
Derek shook his head, squinted. “No, it’s fine, Nate. We don’t mind you being here. In fact…you may be able to do something…no, that sounds really bad.”
Nate frowned. “What sounds bad? What do you mean?”
Derek sighed. “I don’t know how to say this.” He looked away. “You know Krissa and I have been trying to have a baby.”
“Yeah.” Nate wasn’t sure where this was going. If Derek’s problem was his sterility, they couldn’t blame Nate being there and interfering in their sex lives for their lack of children.
“She wants a baby so bad.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t even totally understand it. It’s a woman thing, I guess.”
“I don’t know,” Nate said quietly. “Some guys want kids, too.”
“I do want kids. But…well, I already told you how I feel about it.”
“Yeah. And I know how disappointed Krissa is.”
“Yeah.”
There was silence. Both men gulped their beer.
“Well.” Derek swallowed, drank more beer. “Uh.”
Nate stared at his friend. Derek, the smooth talking salesman, was having a hard time spilling what was on his mind.
“What’s up buddy? Tell me.”
Derek rubbed his face. “This is the most bizarre conversation I’ve ever had. Okay. Here it is. We want you to donate your sperm.”
Nate’s head dipped and his eyes went wide. “Huh?”
“We want you to be the father of our child. Since I can’t.” Derek’s voice sounded different…thick. “Oh, man. This is hard. I never thought I’d be asking this. But, Jesus, if I have to…Krissa’s right. I want it to be you.”
“Me?” Nate still wasn’t sure he understood what Derek was saying. “I don’t get it.”
“Artificial insemination is one of the only options left for us. I don’t want to use an anonymous sperm donor, even if I can pick his IQ and eye color.” Nate heard the bitter tone in his voice. “But…” Derek lifted his eyes and met Nate’s. “I’d pick you.”
Nate shook his head. “You want my sperm?”
“Yes.”
Silence expanded in the room. Nate heard the faint tick of the clock in the kitchen.
“Jesus,” he finally said. He drained his beer and clattered it down on the coffee table. “I’m flattered, buddy, but…wow.”
“I know.” Derek blew out a breath. “I know. There are a lot of things to think about. Things we’d all need to agree on. We wouldn’t expect you to have any obligation to the child…we wouldn’t even have to tell the child.”
Nate shook his head. “Jesus Christ.”
“That’d be my preference,” Derek said. “Only, you, Krissa and I would ever have to know.”
Nate’s mind spun in circles. He didn’t know what to think. He’d be giving them a baby. He’d be giving Krissa a baby.
For some reason that touched something deep inside him. Like a finger poking him. He closed his eyes.
It would be his baby. But it would be their baby. Not his.
It was too much to comprehend.
“I would really love to help you two,” Nate said slowly. “You know I would. But this is…big.”
“Yeah, I know. Look, don’t make a decision right away. Think about it. Talk to Krissa about it, if you want. You know how much she wants this.”
“Does she know…you’re asking me this?”
“Yeah.” Derek smiled crookedly. “This was her idea.”
“Oh.” Nate shook his head, rubbed a hand over his mouth. “Okay.”
Krissa’s idea. She wanted this.
“But you’re okay with it?” Nate eyed Derek.
“Yeah, actually. I am. I thought about it and she’s right. I don’t want an anonymous donor. I want someone I know. I don’t have any brothers, so who else would it be?”
It touched Nate that they would think of him, but the whole idea scared the hell out of him. “What all is involved?”
“Hell if I know. Krissa’s the one who’s done all the research. She’d know. Talk to her tomorrow. After you think about it. Just…” Derek hesitated. “Don’t say no too quickly, Nate. She wants this so bad. It’s putting a strain on our marriage—has been for months. You’d be doing more than just helping us…you’d be saving us.”
Nate’s gut clenched. “No pressure, huh.”
Derek grinned. “Sorry. I really did not want to pressure you.”
“What if I say no? You gonna kick me out?”
“Christ, no!”
“You won’t be mad?”
Derek sighed. “Well, I can’t say I won’t be disappointed. And I can’t speak for Krissa. I warned her not to get her hopes up, because it’s your decision and you can say no. Absolutely. But I hope she wouldn’t hold it against you.”
Nate nodded. “I’ll think about it.”
Derek sagged with relief. “Oh, God. Thanks, man. That’s all we ask right now.”
Nate stood. “I think I’ll go turn in. Not that I’m likely gonna be able to sleep.”
Derek stood too. “Okay.”
Nate went upstairs to his room, past the closed door of Derek and Krissa’s bedroom. He’d heard the water running earlier, knew she was in there naked in the tub. Probably sick with worry and fear about the conversation they’d just been having.
Well, no more so than him. He couldn’t stop the string of curse words that ran through his head. This was so outrageous, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever been more dumfounded.
He threw himself down onto his bed, tossed the hated sunglasses aside in the dark room. Okay, yeah, there’d been times in his life when he’d been just as stunned. The day his wife had died. There wasn’t much that could compare to the shock, horror and disbelief of something like that. This was big, but not like that. Not life-altering.
Or when he’d found out his wife had been having an affair. Also an event that had changed him forever. Destroyed his trust, the love he’d had for his wife. Then of course he’d felt guilty, because she was dead. And he’d never gotten to ask her the one question that was left hanging over his head…
Who was the father of her baby?
But even if she’d still been alive, she couldn’t have answered that question, because according to her journal, she didn’t even know. Fuck.
His chest tightened and his eyes ached at the memories. Why was he reliving this now? He’d done his best to run and hide from the pain. Now it was back, biting him on the ass.
He got up and paced around the bedroom, adrenaline flooding his bloodstream and making him unable to lay still.
He could donate sperm. It was no big deal. He wasn’t ever likely going to have kids of his own, and even if he did meet someone someday…he shivered. Even if he did marry and have children, what difference would it make?
People donated sperm all the time. That’s how sperm banks existed. He’d go into some clinic, jack off into a cup, and be done. He’d take off as soon as his sight came back, leaving behind a happy couple with their marriage saved.
Fuck off, he thought. Having babies doesn’t ever save a marriage if it’s in trouble. If Derek and Krissa thought this was the way to fix their problems, they needed to get over that pretty fucking quick.
But he had no idea how big their problems were. And if the stress of trying to have a baby really was the problem, then maybe this would help.
He fisted his hands in his too-long hair and yanked on it, let out a growl of frustration.
There was no doubt he wanted to help his friends. Of course he did. And when he thought of Krissa, something softened inside him. He’d become…fond of her the last few days, spending time with her while Derek was at work, getting to know her better. The image of her holding the baby in her arms, the tenderness on her face as she looked down at her, grabbed at his heart.
Why wouldn’t he do that for her?
Krissa sat at the desk in her office, compiling the feedback she’d received at the end of her sessions the day before. She enjoyed working with Phoenix Insurance. They were committed to making things better for their employees and she appreciated that.
She heard Nate get up, use the bathroom, go to the kitchen. She should go out there. But her tummy fluttered and leaped and her fingers trembled. She tried to keep Derek’s advice in mind—don’t get your hopes up. She’d been disappointed so many times over the last couple of years. Every twenty-eight days, basically. Every month when she’d hoped her period wouldn’t arrive. And then it did. Disappointment had sucked her down into a morass of self pity and every month it was a harder and harder struggle to get out of it.
This felt like the last time. The last hope. If Nate said no…how was she ever going to go on?
Don’t be ridiculous. She shook her head at her melodramatic thoughts. Of course she’d go on. Life went on. She’d be disappointed, but it’s not like she was going to die or anything. She shook her head.
But she couldn’t tame the flock of butterflies inside her that easily.
She finished compiling the feedback, calculated averages for responses and entered them in a spreadsheet. She’d send the report to Phoenix so they’d know their training had been well-received. She saved the spreadsheet in her Phoenix file, then closed it and stood up.
She went out to the kitchen, wondering if Nate was there.
But the kitchen was deserted. Nate’s empty mug sat on the counter, along with a plate with crumbs and a knife. She sighed, but a smile tugged at her lips. He must be feeling at home, because at first he’d been so careful to clean up after himself. Unlike Derek, who thought nothing of leaving plates and dishes all over the house, empty beer bottles on the floor next to the couch, dirty socks beside the hamper instead of inside it. Men.
She put the dishes into the dishwasher, wiped the counter although it was clean. She refilled her own coffee mug, went back to the office. Nate must have gone out, or maybe downstairs to the gym to work out.
She needed to work out. That would be a cure for her tautly strung nerves. But she’d wait until Nate was done. She had work to do anyway.
Her cell phone rang, which was her business phone, and when she answered it, Gemini Technologies was calling to tell her she’d been awarded the contract to work with them on their merger with another software company. They wanted help to merge the two corporate cultures, and since she’d worked for both companies and knew them well, she had an advantage over other consultants. This was a big contract—the money was equivalent to a whole year’s salary in her last job. One contract!
This was huge! Big enough to actually distract her from worrying about Nate’s response to their request. She talked to the client for nearly half an hour, working out details and arranging to meet the following week.
This contract ensured her business success. Excitement bubbled up inside her. She had to tell someone.
She hurried out of her office and downstairs to the basement. Sure enough, Nate lay on the padded bench, pushing weights above his shoulders.
His bare chest gleamed with sweat. His biceps bulged as he lifted the weight, muscles in his chest and abdomen rippling. His body was tanned and fit, and she didn’t know what he’d looked like before he’d gotten food poisoning and lost weight, but he definitely looked incredible now.
She stopped in the door, dry mouthed, her news momentarily forgotten. She swallowed with difficulty.
Nate noticed her standing there and the barbell across his chest wobbled. Then he slowly lowered it. “Hey.”
“Hey. Guess what?” She took a step forward. “I just got a call from Gemini Technologies. They just gave me a big contract!”
Nate sat up, grabbed a towel from the floor and wiped his face. The sunglasses hid his eyes as usual, but she could see his smile. “Hey, that’s great. Congratulations.”
“This is so incredible!” She clasped her hands together and walked closer. The musky male scent of Nate’s body tickled her nose. “The money is great and it’s such an important client—their name will look so impressive on my client list.”
“Awesome.”
“I just had to tell someone and I thought you might be down here.”
“Yeah. I like having the gym right here, it’s been so easy to work out.”
Her eyes moved over him again. “Mmm. I was thinking I need to work out. I haven’t lately and it would definitely help with all the stress.”
Well, she’d said it and now it was out there, hanging between them. She knew that he knew exactly what all her stress was related to.
He paused, sitting on the weight bench, the towel clasped in his hands.
“Did you call Derek?”
She blinked. “About what?’
“About the contract.”
“Oh. Oh, no. Not yet, I will.”
“He’ll be happy for you.”
“Um. Yeah. Probably.” She paused. “Well, I’ll let you finish your workout.” She turned to leave.
“You know, if you want to work out, don’t let me stop you. There’s room for both of us here.”
She turned. “Yeah. Okay.” She went back upstairs. No way was she working out with Nate in the same room. Much as she’d like to admire his gorgeous muscles, the outright sexuality of his body and her inappropriate appreciation of it made her uneasy. She’d been married for five years and had never even given another man a second look.
Well, that was a lie. Of course she’d looked. Who didn’t look at attractive people? She looked at attractive women, too. She was honest enough to admit she checked out other women. She liked to see what they were wearing, how they accessorized, how their body compared to hers. It wasn’t a sexual thing. And sometimes she looked at good-looking men that way, too. Just…looking.
She went into her office and sank into the chair.
But when she looked at Nate, it wasn’t just looking. It was…feeling. Feeling something way down deep inside, a quivering, fluttering something…something like… attraction.
And that was waaaay off limits.
And she hadn’t even asked him if he’d thought about giving them a baby.
Sperm donation. She needed to think of it clinically. She’d go into the clinic and the doctor would artificially inseminate her. Her body tensed at the thought. Was it painful? It seemed such a…cold way to make a baby.
But she’d have a baby. She’d endure whatever she had to.
If only Nate would agree to do it.
Restless, impatient, and distracted again, she tried to return to her work.
She heard Nate come up a while later, heard the shower running, and then a soft knock at her door.
“Come in.” The door wasn’t even closed. She swiveled on her office chair. Nate stood there in one of his several pairs of faded, ripped jeans, riding low on his hips and a snug grey T-shirt. Stubble shadowed his dark face, his thick eyebrows low over his eyes, his mouth hard.
“Sorry to bother you.”
“You’re not a bother! Come in.”
He took two steps into the room, shoved his hands in his pockets.
“We need to talk.”
Nate studied Krissa. She looked adorably tense and nervous, a tight smile on her lush mouth, eyes sliding all over the room, everywhere but at him.
He watched her throat ripple as she swallowed, her lips tighten. Pretty lips. Full and pouty, pink and shiny, the corners always tilted up in a faintly happy way, even now.
He fisted his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
“Derek talked to me last night.”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure, Krissa?”
She met his gaze and held it steadily. “Yes. I’m sure, Nate.”
He drew a hand out of a pocket and laid it on his chest. “I’m honored. I hope you know that.”
She nodded, eyes huge, pouty mouth trembling.
“I thought about it all night.”
Again, a jerky nod of her head. Her fingers twisted together in her lap.
“And I decided…I’ll do it.”
The expression on her face didn’t change for several heartbeats. Then joy exploded across it. A smile widened her mouth and she jumped out of her chair, flew across the room to him. She took his hand, where it still lay on his chest, in both of hers and grabbed it tightly.
“Oh, Nate. Oh my God. Thank you. I can’t believe it.”
He smiled, not sure what else to say. Then somehow they ended up in each other’s arms, hugging fiercely. He felt wetness seep into the T-shirt over his chest, where Krissa’s face was pressed. He put a hand on her head, held her gently there, her hair silky beneath his fingers. Her body was small and warm and soft in his arms, and she wrapped her arms around his neck. A soft sob escaped her, but he couldn’t see her face covered by a curtain of glossy dark hair.
“It’s okay,” he whispered. “Just hold on a minute, though.”
“What?” She drew back. Tears glimmered in fine lines down her cheeks. He brushed them away with his thumb.
“I’m willing to do it, but it’s a conditional yes. I need to know more about what’s involved. I expect there’s some kind of testing or screening, and who knows…I might not be…um…acceptable.”
She blinked at him, wet eyelashes spiky around her shiny eyes. “I’m sure you will be. I don’t know that much about how it works when you choose a donor, either. I looked into it a bit. But if you’re agreeable, I’ll make an appointment for you with Dr. Edgar. He’s at the fertility clinic in Ventura.”
He nodded. “The food poisoning—I’m over it. I don’t think there’s any long term effect—other than my eyes.” Goddammit. “I’m pretty healthy otherwise.”
“I’ll go make the appointment right now.”
He huffed out an amused breath. No patience whatsoever. But hey, let her do it.
She went straight to her desk and picked up her cell phone. Apparently she had the clinic number programmed into it. Which was kind of sad.
She spoke to someone and after a little argument, arranged an appointment for the next afternoon. She grimaced as she clicked her phone shut. “They were trying to tell me next week,” she grumbled, but smiled at him. “Next week is no good. I’m ovulating next week.”
Nate gulped. Uh, did he really need to know that?
“Next week? You think we can do this next week?”
“God, I hope so! This is so exciting! Oh, Nate, thank you again.”
He held up his hands. “Hey don’t thank me yet. And you know, I don’t even know for sure if I’ve got what it takes…nobody’s ever tested my sperm.”
She looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment. “Well. We’ll just keep our fingers crossed.” She dragged in a breath, expelled it. “Okay. This is good. We should call Derek and tell him.”
“The father’s always the last to know,” Nate murmured. He listened with amusement to her frustrated conversation when she couldn’t reach Derek.
“Where is he? Why isn’t he answering his cell phone?” she demanded of whoever was on the other end of the line, presumably Derek’s secretary. “Oh. Okay. Tell him to call me as soon as he can.”
Again she snapped the phone shut, her brows joined between her nose. Her adorable, pink little nose.
“We should go buy some champagne,” she said decisively. “We’ll celebrate tonight. With any luck, in another week I’ll be pregnant and won’t be able to drink anymore.”
With bemusement, he followed her out of the house.
After buying champagne, they went to the fish market on the Breakwater and bought fresh fish and mussels for dinner. Then they drove inland to a farmers’ market and spent an hour browsing through fresh produce. They laughed over the masses of shiitake mushrooms on display. For reasons he couldn’t even begin to explain, Nate bought a bunch of flowers, brightly colored daisies and gave them to Krissa. Her eyes shone as she took them in her arms.
“Thank you,” she said wonderingly. “That’s so nice. And they’re gorgeous. I love these gerbera daisies, the colors are so vivid.”
The sun illuminated the flowers and glowed on her fair skin, darkening the faint freckles ever so slightly. Her hair gleamed richly and her smile was happier than he’d seen it since he’d arrived. He longed to photograph her and capture the joy sparkling in her eyes.
Unfortunately all the outdoor activity took its toll on his eyes, and they burned and stung by the time they got into the car. He sat in the passenger seat with his head leaned back, eyes closed, felt the tears gather. Christ, he was like a baby. Maybe Krissa wouldn’t notice.
But of course she did, and fretted all the way home. “Get your drops,” she ordered once inside the house. And again, she ministered to him, handing him tissues to mop his face, drawing all the blinds and curtains so the whole house was dim.
“Fuck. This is never going to get better.” He clenched his fists at his side, sitting on the couch, head back.
“It will.” She put a soft hand on his forehead. “It will, Nate. I thought it had been better lately.”
“Only because I’ve been stuck inside here like a goddamm vampire, afraid to go out in the daylight.”
She laughed. “I’m sorry. What can I do?”
“Nothing.” The word snapped out of him mouth. Shit. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Didn’t mean to sound rude.”
“You’re entitled. I’ve done my share of bitching and whining lately.”
Well, it was nice that he could make at least one of them happy. Or two of them, even, considering Derek. Hopefully he was going to be happy. Meanwhile, his own life was still in the toilet, career on hold, wife dead—oh yeah, cheating wife—carrying a baby he didn’t even know for sure was his.
He was going to create another life. It might be his only chance to do that, and Krissa and Derek would be great parents to him or her.
Krissa bustled around the kitchen, cleaning the mussels, making a salad. When Nate’s eyes had calmed down and stopped burning and watering, he helped her. They decided to grill the fish with some fresh lemons and herbs, and they opened a bottle of wine to drink while they worked together side by side at the counter, talking and laughing.
Derek never called.
Krissa let herself into her parents’ home in Hope Ranch. Her dad was at work of course, but she’d called her mom to see if she could come over and visit. She had exciting news, she’d told her.
She had to share with someone. As with Cameron, Krissa had never confided their attempts to have a baby to her mother. For similar reasons. Krissa’s mother Lizbeth wasn’t one of those mothers who wanted to be a grandmother. Not like Derek’s mother, who thankfully lived on the other side of the continent so they didn’t have to endure her constant nosy questions about their family. No, Lizbeth constantly reminded Krissa about the sacrifices a mother made for her children. She’d despaired of Krissa’s job-hopping over the years. She’d envisioned Krissa taking after her father, who’d worked his way up through Capitol First Bank to President and CEO. Because, that’s what Lizbeth had always wanted for herself. She and David had met in college, both pursing business degrees. Except she’d gotten pregnant before they’d even graduated. And somehow that had knocked her off her career track.
“Kris!” Her mother greeted her with a hug. “How are you? I haven’t seen you in weeks.”
“I know. We’ve been kind of busy with Nate staying with us.”
“I suppose. Come in. Would you like some coffee?’
“Sure.”
Krissa dropped her purse on the living room floor and followed her mother into the kitchen. Their home in Hope Ranch was even bigger than hers and Derek’s. Her parents did entertain a lot, though, with her father’s business networking and her mother’s charity work.
“I ran into Cameron the other day,” Lizbeth said, pouring coffee.
“Oh. Where?”
“At the hospital.” Her mother did a lot of volunteer work with the hospital’s charitable foundation. “She had her twins there for some kind of testing.”
“Oh, that’s right. At the Child Development Clinic. She was all worried about them because they were still in diapers, until a few weeks ago.”
Lizbeth shook her head. “Diapers. My God. I’m so glad you and your sisters haven’t forced us to deal with that.”
Krissa’s two younger sisters, one traveling in Australia, the other trying to make it as an actress in L.A., were definitely not on the mommy track. But Krissa was. Her tummy fluttered with excitement. It would feel so good to finally tell someone.
“Don’t worry, Mom, if I have kids I won’t make you change diapers.”
Her mother handed her a cup of steaming fragrant coffee and wrinkled her pretty nose. “Thank goodness.” She shuddered. “It was bad enough going through that once—or rather, three times—I have no desire to do it again. I’m so glad you’re not rushing into having children.”
Krissa sighed. She’d just walked in the door and they were there already. “I know, Mom. But …”
“Children just suck the life out of you,” Lizbeth continued.
Krissa’s stomach tightened. She sipped her coffee.
“Cameron looked a mess,” Lizbeth added. “No makeup, she had baby spit up on her shirt. In fact,” she lowered her voice. “She’d forgotten to do up her nursing bra and her boobs were bouncing all over. It was so embarrassing.”
“Oh, no.” Krissa’s heart ached for Cameron. She did struggle. “She has three kids, Mom. It’s hard. I was just over helping her the other day.”
“I had three kids and I didn’t need help.”
Maybe you didn’t care as much, Krissa thought and then felt ashamed. She looked down at her coffee.
“I gave up my life for you three girls,” Lizbeth said. That must have been what…the thousandth time Krissa’d heard that? “But since I had to stay home with you and give up my career, I made the best of it. You didn’t catch me going out of the house without makeup and hair done.”
“Wow,” Krissa murmured. “I don’t know how you did it, Mom. You know, though…why did you have to give up your career?”
“Well, I just did. Some women were working outside the home back then, but not many.”
“Lots were. Women had choices. You didn’t have to stay home.”
Lizbeth blinked. “Why are you arguing with me about this? You were a baby, what do you know about what went on then?”
“Nothing.” Krissa sighed.
“Just don’t rush it. You’ve got your career to think about.” Lizbeth poured cream into her coffee and stirred it.
“I’m thirty-two, Mom. That’s hardly rushing it.”
“You have lots of time. So, what’s the exciting news you have to tell me?”
Krissa nibbled her bottom lip, her heart sinking like a stone in water . “Ah. Well.” She lifted the coffee cup to her mouth, swallowed scalding liquid. “I have a big new client.”