Lost Heartbeats (Alexander & Maya Book 2) (5 page)

“Like this?” I asked, closing the door behind myself. My eyes slowly made their way down his body, noticing that he had on
nothing
but a pair of black boxer briefs.

A
very tight
pair of black boxer briefs.

I lost my train of thought for a second when I noticed the contours of his cock, curving slightly to the left, straining against his briefs. Quickly looking away, I took off my shoes and turned left to enter my small kitchen.

“What’s wrong with
this
?” he asked, the amusement obvious in his voice.

I busied myself with grabbing a glass of water.

“You are half naked, Alexander. You can’t go out like that here,” I said, turning around after I took a few sips.

When he noticed I wasn’t smiling like he was, his face dropped, and he casually leaned his shoulder against the doorframe, his lean muscles slightly bulging as he crossed his arms on his chest.

“Ok. Let’s cut the crap and talk; what’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?”

“You are closing up on me, Maya. I didn’t think you would jump on my lap when you saw me, but you were much more welcoming just an hour ago then you are now. So, I’ll ask again, what’s wrong?”

I took another sip of my water, trying to stall to come up with a good answer. On one hand, yeah, I was ready to jump on his lap and forget why I had to protect my heart when I was around him, savor the moment of having him this close again. But, on the other hand, I was angry at him for coming here. For dangling what I couldn’t have in front of my face.

“Look,” I started. My voice shaky even to my own ears. “It’s obvious that I still feel something toward you.”

“And? I don’t see anything wrong with that. It’s obvious that your feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise I wouldn’t have come all the way here. So, what’s your problem?”

“See,
that’s
the problem. Why would you even feel something for someone you knew for only a few days? I told you when we were in New York, I’m not your plaything, Alexander.”

“So, basically you are saying that it is perfectly okay for you to feel something toward me in a few days, but not okay when it’s me? Is that it?”

“You’re a guy, Alexander,” I answered simply.

“Glad you figured that out all on your own,” he returned sharply.

Leaving my glass on my kitchen island, I took a few steps toward him, making sure to leave some space between us.

“I saw you, Alexander. I saw you with multiple women when I was staying in your hotel, and from what I remember they were nothing but a good lay to you. There is also your wife. I have no idea what went on between you and your wife, but from what I could see you were still hung up on her.”

“You don’t know me, Maya,” he said, his voice cold.

“I never claimed that I do. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. This might be all fun and games to you. Going after the woman who left even after you told her to stay, making it a challenge for you without knowing she did so.”

Noticing the hard set of his lips, I sighed.

“I’m sure you are tired, Alexander. Maybe we should sleep on it and talk tomorrow.”

“That’s the first thing that’s come out of your mouth that I agree with, sweetheart.”

Before I could make a move to get away, he closed the distance between us, swinging me up in his arms.

I gasped and hung on to his neck as he headed straight to my bedroom.

“What the hell do you think you are doing?!” I punched him in the shoulder.

“Going to bed. I didn’t come all the way here to argue with you.”

“Let me down you jerk, I can walk on my own feet. Did you even hear anything I just said, Alexander?”

“Sure I did. Doesn’t mean I have to agree with you. Like I said when I came into your café, I came here because I need to have you in my arms again. I didn’t come here to fuck you again and leave. I’m here because of who you are. Because of what you make me feel.”

He dumped me on my bed and leaned down to take off my shirt.

Shocked at his words, I didn’t even utter a single complaint. After my shirt was thrown away, he unbuttoned my jeans and gently slid them off my legs, his eyes never meeting mine.

“Get under the covers; I’m going to tell you a story. If you want to throw me out, you’ll do so after I tell you why I found myself at your doorstep.”

Not a single word from me. In two seconds, I was on all fours crawling away from him. The groan that sounded like it ripped out of his chest caused goose bumps to appear all over my body. Very aware of the fact that I was mere inches away from him and half naked at that, I got under the covers pretty fast.

The bed dipped and Alexander got in after me. “Come here,” he ordered. Motioning for me to rest my head on his chest, he placed his arm under my head, leaving me no other choice than snuggle up to him.

“You are bei—”

“Shut it.”

He cut me off mid-sentence.

I obeyed. He was too tempting to simply say no to.

“Are you comfortable?” he murmured softly, his arm under my head curving slightly to brush the hair away from my face.

“Now you are worried about my comfort? After the caveman act?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

I grumbled under my breath.

He reached over and took my left hand in his, lacing our fingers, connecting our bodies in more than one way. Our hands rested on his hard abdomen, and I could do nothing but stare at our connection.

I was powerless against him.

It was as simple as that. My body, and especially my heart were simply powerless against him, and that was what scared me the most when it came to Alexander Ross.

“I came here because I need to feel this, do you understand me?” he asked, giving my hand a quick squeeze.

“I understand,” I said. What else was there to say when I understood him perfectly?

After a few moments of silence, I asked, “What now?”

“Now, I tell you a story about a boy that meant everything to me, and after that you help me grieve. Can you do that for me?”

I closed my eyes and hoped my heart would survive the mess Alexander Ross would leave behind when he left me for good.

“Yes, Alexander. I can do that for you.”

“Good. I’m glad. God knows I need to hold you as much as I need to breathe to survive.”

At his words, I lost all hope.

“Natalie, Aaron, and I were college friends. We met our first year and stayed friends throughout the years even though we didn’t have the same classes. I met Claire our second year. She was never really in our group, but she was still a part of it. Anyway, this isn’t about her.”

His hand started to play with my fingers absently as he shifted his body slightly and rested his head against mine.

“When I found Claire, we lost ourselves in each other. I still tried to spend time with Aaron and Natalie, but it was less than before I had met Claire.” He paused. “Truth be told, Claire didn’t really enjoy hanging out with them. A few months after Claire and I started to get serious, Natalie and Aaron became an item too. It’s not fair to say that I didn’t support their relationship; they seemed happy about their new status, but they have very different personalities. I would have never imagined them together. Needless to say, it changed the dynamics of our friendship. We started to hang out more again. For some reason, Claire didn’t seem to mind them when they were actually a couple.”

I heard my phone’s loud ringtone in the living room where I had left my handbag. Alexander stopped talking and stilled next to me. “Do you have to get that?” he asked.

At this hour it could only be Linn, and since I was still pissed at her for leaving me like she had, I didn’t have any problem with letting her call go straight to voicemail.

“It’s okay. Go on,” I said to Alexander.

“I was so blindly in love that I asked Claire to marry me two months before we graduated.”

My breathing changed for a moment, or maybe it was my body that went rigid. Either way, it got his attention and he stopped speaking. He turned into me and brushed a soft kiss on my temple, his breath warm against my skin. Putting my hand on his stomach, he started to caress my wrist with his thumb.

“Before the end of the school year, while we were out at dinner or something simple like that, I don’t remember the exact place, Natalie announced that she was pregnant. Everyone was shocked, even Natalie herself. Fast forward a few months, I got married and Aaron left Natalie.”

“No,” I whispered.

“Yeah, just like that he moved from the city, saying his future was more important than playing house. I think he tried to force Natalie to see a doctor to end the pregnancy, but it was too close to the three-month mark, and I think Natalie was already bonding with her baby, even though in the beginning she hadn’t seemed too happy about the news either. So, Aaron broke up with her, letting her know that he wasn’t interested in becoming a young dad when they had so many options ahead of them. When Natalie went into labor two and a half months earlier than she was supposed to, I was the only one at the hospital, trying to do my best to be there for my friend and her baby.”

His grip tightened on my wrist—just for a second—before he laced our fingers together again. Despite our closeness, he was thousands of miles away from me.

“Her parents weren’t there?”

“They live in Canada. They came as soon as they could, but until then I was all she had. Aaron didn’t even call. If I remember correctly, he sent flowers a few days after the fact even though I’d called him to let him know about the situation we were in.”

“I’m sorry. That must’ve been hell for her,” I murmured.

“Yeah, she was a mess. I think her entire pregnancy was a haze. There was nothing left of the girl I’d known after Aaron left her like he did. I tried to be there for her as much as I could, but it wasn’t the same. How could it be…

“As if she hadn’t suffered enough, because of the early labor, the baby had tons of medical issues. Heart problems. Breathing issues. Liver. You name it, he had it. And I went through everything with her. We even named him together: Lucas. He was like my own son, Maya. I didn’t care who’d fathered him, he was everything. The most thoughtful and smart kid you could ever meet. He was perfect. Then his heart problems became worse. Congenital heart disease
.
”

His voice was nothing more than a whisper, his pain radiating through his words. I untangled my hand from his and turned my body, hiding my face under his chin. In a heartbeat, his arms were around me, crushing me to himself. I doubted he was even aware of his strong hold.

“I did everything in my power, Maya. Everything I could possibly do. I spent all the money that was needed. I found the best doctors. Yet in the end, none of it mattered. I was powerless.”

He left a gentle kiss on my forehead, his pain bleeding into my skin through his lips.

“He was such a happy kid. Always smiling, always keeping his spirits up. Seeing him like that crushed me even more. Lying to him, knowing there was nothing we could do other than hope for the best. Hell, he spent almost all of his life in and out of hospitals.”

I had nothing to say, nothing that would change what he’d had to go through, so I kept my mouth shut, closed my eyes, and listened.

“I…I can’t even talk about our last days, but I know you get how it was. You went through the same thing with your father. You know how soul-crushing it is to feel that useless.”

“I know,” I whispered as a single tear dropped onto his skin.

He shifted.

“Give me your eyes. I want to see your eyes.”

Tilting my head back, I gave him what he wanted, and he gave me a long look as we gazed into each other’s souls, his eyes full of pain and unshed tears. When his palm covered my cheek, I closed my eyes and more tears trailed down my face.

“It never goes away, does it?” he asked. “You can never fill that emptiness.”

“It becomes your constant,” I admitted.

“I guess we can’t strip away the pain and just keep the good memories, can we? There is no going back.”

“After some time, the grief just becomes one with you, a part of yourself you have no choice but to keep with you until the day you die. Then in time instead of pain it will make you happy to think of him.”

“Thank you,” he said and brushed a small kiss on my lips.

I was practically laying on top of him when I caught the sweet scent of pear mixing with his own. I loved that he had been naked in my shower, using my body wash. He was in my little world now.

Holding me.

Needing
me
.

“For what?” I asked after a long silence.

“For not having someone in your life that would complicate things for me. For not sending me away. For letting me have you. You have no idea what a relief it was to see—to feel that I still had you.”

I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t do anything other than look into his eyes and try to understand what exactly I was to him.