Authors: Heidi McLaughlin
My dad comes around the front of his truck. His coveralls are stained with grease. He’s wringing his hands together with an old towel. His blue eyes bore into me. I have to look away, breaking eye contact and remembering that I’
m almost eighteen and I’ll be leaving soon. My intention is to stay until graduation but I may not make it.
“Hi,” I say meekly. My dad scares the living shit out of me and I don’t want to cross him. The way he’s looking at me makes me think I’m about to b
e told to go out back and pick my own stick for an ass beating.
My mom looks over and smiles. I wish she’d smile more. Somehow I think when they started dating she expected a bit more out of their relationship, but no, Joe Stone was destined to stay in Br
ookfield and follow in his daddy’s footsteps. I don’t know what my mom wanted to be, but it couldn’t be a receptionist at a small construction company. I’m sure she had dreams.
“I’m just going to go shower.”
“Hold up,” my dad barks out. I stop immediately, afraid to move a muscle. “You have a curfew and you missed it. I know your mom gave you permission to attend the concert, but this other crap you pulled doesn’t fly. You’re grounded for a week. The list of chores is on the counter.”
I knew I’d have some sort of punishment when I got home, but I wasn’t expecting this. I nod as I walk into the house and head straight for the bathroom. I take my allotted five minutes and wish they weren’t home so maybe I could sneak another three
minutes. In and out as fast as I can and into my room before my dad comes down the hall. I slip into clean boxers, shorts and a t-shirt and lie down. I know I have chores to do, but I need a moment to figure out what I’m going to do tonight.
Hadley
“Stop pacing.”
I turn and glare at Alex. I can’t stop. I’m anxious and nervous. More nervous than the first time I went out on stage at twelve. Performing is second nature, almost like sleeping. But this… this decision has so many ramifications
– not only for me, but for Ryan – and I can’t help but feel my heart in my throat right now.
When he texted and told me he was grounded I wanted to cry. I did cry. I also screamed into my pillow and kicked my feet. Only when he texted back saying he’d do s
omething he had never done before did I start to smile.
And now I’m pacing. My hands are red from the constant pulling that I’m doing on them. I should sit, but I’m afraid I’ll wrinkle my dress. All I want is to see him again.
“You really like him, don’t you?” Alex asks as she places her hands on my shoulders in an effort to calm me down. I look at Alex and admire how beautiful she is. Tonight she’s wearing a light brown mermaid-style dress with a chocolate brown bodice. The contrast with her skin tone is perfect. Her long, dark hair is swept up into a French twist with just minimal make-up highlighting her eyes. I’m in awe of how natural she looks tonight.
“I do. I can’t explain it, Alex. It’s almost like the sun is shining on me for the first time. Lookin
g at him from across the room the other night was one thing, but talking to him or when we touched for the first time, it’s like I burst into flames.”
“Are you going to ask him to finish the tour with you?” she asks this jokingly. My face deadpans and hers
morphs into nothing less than horror. “What is it?”
I shake my head. “I’m in so much trouble.”
“Why? Did you have unprotected sex?”
“No, nothing like that, although with what I’m feeling right now I probably wouldn’t have told him no.
But we can’t do anything like that, at all.”
“Does he have a girlfriend or a wife?”
I look at Alex with tears forming in my eyes. She dabs them gently before they spill over and ruin my make-up. “He’s only seventeen, Alex.”
Alex doesn’t need to tell me what she’s thinking. I
can see it on her face. I imagine that is what my face looked like when Ryan told me, but everything told me to forget that he’s not yet of age and still be a part of his life. I can wait. I can be patient.
“Hadley –”
“I know, Alex,” I interrupt her. “Believe me, I know, but I can’t be away from him. I just can’t. He makes me feel…” I cover my face with my hands and fight the tears. Her arms wrap around me. She’s soothing me even though she knows I’m making a huge mistake.
“This can become dangerous, sweet
ie. You’re an adult and should know better, but I understand the feelings, sometimes they’re so strong you just can’t ignore them,” she whispers into my ear.
I nod because she’s right. If I ignore them not only am I denying myself happiness, but I’ll be hu
rt and sad and can see myself withdrawing from my life. “I have to have him in my life,” I mumble from behind my hands.
“How far did you guys go last night?” she asks as she steps around me, pulling my hands away from my face.
If it was anyone but Alex asking, I’d punch them. I know she’s asking because she’s my best friend and that’s what best friends do.
“Nothing at first, just holding hands and I fell asleep on him. I couldn’t help it. But in the morning, he kissed me and I wanted it so bad.
I didn’t stop him, I couldn’t.” I want to look away from her, but don’t want her to think I’m ashamed of what happened with Ryan, because I’m not. If I had to do it all over again, I would. I wouldn’t hesitate.
“You need to be careful, Hadley. I’m not goin
g to give you a tongue lashing because you’ll end up getting that from Ian when he finds out. Besides, I’m your best friend and I like seeing your face light up when you talk about him.”
I pull her into a fierce hug. “Thank you.”
She taps me on the shoulder, I look at her and she points. I turn and there he is, dressed head to toe in black with the black bowtie hanging loosely as if we were just returning home after a long night. Alex releases me and walks over to Ryan. His eyes go wide as she reaches for his neck.
“Let me fix this for you,” she says so sweetly that I want to hug her again. We could have a love-in and I’d be happy missing the party just for that. I stifle my laugh as she tugs and straightens the tie for Ryan. He stands there, stock still, pr
obably afraid to move.
“There, now you’re perfect.” She turns to me and winks. “I’ll just be outside the door.”
Ryan watches me as I watch Alex leave. Once the door is shut, I move to him, faster than I mean to, but I need to touch him. It’s been under ten hours and I’ve missed him so much. My hand reaches for his, his fingers interlocking with mine. I pull him gently to me. He almost stumbles into me before he catches himself.
“Sorry,” he says. He’s biting his lower lip, trying not to smile.
“Were you trying to tackle me?”
“Maybe.”
He shrugs and looks away before I catch the smile. I reach up and pull his face toward me so I can see him.
“I would’ve caught you.”
“You already did.”
I want to kiss him, desperately. My eyes go from his eyes to his mouth and
back again. This time he does smile, but not the ‘
I got a puppy’
smile, but the ‘
Yeah, she’s my girl’
smile. And I definitely like being on the receiving end of that one.
“So what did you do?” I’ve been dying to ask him since earlier. All he said was to
keep the plan as we had it.
“I snuck out. My parents, they don’t check on me, haven’t in years, so I figured why not? You wouldn’t happen to know how a car ended up in front of my house, would you?
One that just so happened to have this tuxedo and invite?” Ryan pulls the ball invitation out of his coat pocket and shakes it.
“I haven’t a clue about the car,” I say while trying to fight a grin. “I can’t believe you snuck out. I don’t want you to get into trouble over me.”
Ryan leans in. “Hmm… I heard that you like bad boys so I thought I’d give it a try.”
I’m not sure if I should be happy or pissed off that he did this to be with me, but the thought of him being a bad boy is exciting. My heart and brain aren’t agreeing once more. The logical part is saying h
e shouldn’t be doing this, but my heart is screaming for me to jump in his arms and show him how thankful I am.
There’s a soft knock at the door, I look over his shoulder and move to answer. His hand finds my waist, holding me in place. Before I can say a
nything his lips are on me, soft and slow. He pulls away too soon, but his expression tells me that he’s happy he did that.
“I wanted to do that before we went out there.” His head motions toward the door.
“Yeah, we can’t do that out there with all those people. Listen, when we're out there, you’re with Alex. I don’t like it and I don’t expect you to either, but we can’t be seen together because there will be questions and we can’t have that. I won’t be able to do this,” I press my lips to his briefly. “Know that I want to.”
He nods and grabs my hand pulling me toward the door. He swings it open, startling Alex. Her smile brightens as her eyes take in our handholding. Ryan gives my hand a squeeze before letting it go.
Alex opens the next set of doors and stands aside letting me go through. As soon as I am over the threshold, the music shifts and the master of ceremonies announces my arrival. I plaster my bright
I’m happy to be here
smile and stand there for a few moments allowing people to take my picture. This will be the first time Ryan and I are photographed together even though he’ll be standing next to Alex. Only he and I will know the significance of what tonight means.
I turn and look at Ryan. He extends his arm to Alex as if he’s done this a hundred
times. Alex takes his arm and leads him through the maze of tables, whispering something into his ear. A server signals to my table; I offer him a slight nod. Ryan releases Alex’s arm and pulls out her chair first and then mine, effectively dismissing the server. As soon as I’m seated, he pushes me in slightly before taking the seat next to Alex. I try to hide my jealousy. I’m sure it’s evident on my face. Alex snickers at me. I roll my eyes and lean over toward Ryan so I can talk to him.
“Where did you l
earn how to act like that?”
Ryan picks up the glass in front of him and takes a sip of the water. He holds the glass in his hand, as if he’s admiring the glasswork. “My grandma made me take an etiquette class once.”
“Why?”
“I had to escort
her to the opera once and she wanted everything to be proper.”
“Just once?”
Ryan looks away and shifts in his seat. I wish he was sitting next to me so I could reach under the table and comfort him or maybe take back the question. He looks down at his place setting and fiddles with the napkin sitting there. A server appears, placing his dinner in front of him. He looks up quickly and says thank you.
He watches the server as he places my dinner in front of me. I look at the server briefly before gazing back
at Ryan, waiting for an answer.
He clears his throat. “She died the night of the opera. We went out to dinner, to the opera and out for coffee afterward with some of her lady friends. The next morning she never woke up.”
“Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry.” My heart breaks not only for Ryan, but for myself because I can’t comfort him. Alex rests her hand on his arm, playing the part just so I can be in the same room as him. The things she does for me.
Ryan
I spend a lot of time
with Alex as Hadley has to be on stage or meeting with other people. Alex tells me that Hadley is a very private person and that although she can’t be with me tonight, she wants to be.
I wish I knew what is going on with Hadley and me – or maybe there isn
’t anything going on at all. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act around her, but everything feels natural and exciting. Kissing her tonight was something I had thought about since I left her hotel earlier this morning. I didn’t know if she’d want me to, but she did. I haven’t a clue where all these feelings are coming from, but I know it’s Hadley. She’s bringing them out of me. I just don’t know how to control them.
I watch as she works the crowd. I’ve never looked at how women dress before. My mom has the
same look all the time. She never varies. Dylan wears a lot of jeans and shorts. I’ve never seen her in a dress. I guess it’s because she’s just one of the guys. Hadley, though, looks so beautiful in her pink dress. Her hair is pulled up away from her bare shoulders. When we were together earlier, I saw glitter sparkling off her skin and thought how lucky it is to be the inanimate object that gets to be a part of her for the night.
Her dress isn’t bulky like the one Dylan wore to prom last year. I remember
shopping with her and having to carry it to her car. I don’t know how she moved in it, but when she tried it on, she declared ‘this is the one’ by spinning in front of the mirror.
Hadley’s dress fits her, showing me the perfect spot to place my hands when
we are able to head back into her private dressing room. Never have I had the desire to kiss a girl until I kissed her this morning. I wasn’t nervous or anxious. Everything felt right and now I want more. So much more of her and her lips pressed against mine.