Authors: Heidi McLaughlin
It’s Hadley’s fault. I’m not strong enough to tell her that with the time difference, I should b
e sleeping instead of waiting for her to call after her show. I wouldn’t tell her anyway, I need to hear her voice. It doesn’t matter what time it is or if I’m asleep. She’s all that matters.
And it scares me.
Everything about being in her life scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do about the emotions I’m feeling. I can’t talk to my dad and talking to Dylan is out of the question. There’s no way I can talk to Hadley about what I’m feeling. What if she doesn’t feel the same? Then I’d look like some lovesick teenager. I already feel weak around her. Never in a million years did I think I’d fall for someone famous, yet I did and she’s interested in me. But the feeling of inadequacy nags at me. What if I’m not enough for her?
When the bell rings, I’m
up and out of my seat before the rest of the class puts away their binders. My phone is out of my pocket just as I step over the imaginary line separating the classroom from the hallway. I have thirty minutes to talk to Hadley and I don’t want to waste a single second.
I push open the door leading to the courtyard. I’ve eaten lunch out here every day so I can be on the phone. I’d never be able to talk to her and sit in the cafeteria, especially with Dylan glaring at me.
“Hi.” The way she says hi makes me weak. Who knew a simple one-syllable word could bring me to my knees.
“Hi,” I say back to her, probably not as eloquent as her, but I try. I sit down and lean up against the tree. The ground is uncomfortable because of the overgrown roots, but this little p
rivacy is enough for me.
“How’s school?”
“It’s dragging. I’m ready for winter vacation.”
Hadley starts laughing. “School just started and you’re ready for vacation?”
Of course I am. “I’ll be eighteen then.”
There’s a long
silence. I can hear her shuffling around her room. “How many days?”
“I don’t know, but I could count them and let you know.”
“I’d like that.”
I’d like it too. I want to know how many days until I can start making my own decisions. Until my parents don’t ha
ve any control over me. I want to leave, but I’m not stupid enough to quit school. I need my diploma.
“Are you ready for your show tonight?”
Hadley sighs. “Not really. Ian, my manager, is on my case about some shit.”
“Like what?”
“You.”
“Me?” My voice cra
cks when I ask her.
“It’s stupid, a mistake because I wasn’t paying attention.”
I don’t know what to say. I always knew the day would come when she’d realize we’re a mistake. That nothing about us makes sense. I guess it just took her manager to say something to her about it. Help her see the error of her ways, as they say.
“Ryan?”
“Yeah?”
“I know you’re thinking I mean you and I don’t. We’ve been through this. I want to be with you. Thing is, someone took a picture of us when we were sitting outside and
it’s suggestive. They know it’s me, but they don’t know who you are, so for right now we’re safe. We just can’t do something like that in public again.”
I’m relieved when she tells me that my name isn’t mentioned, although I feel bad for her not having an
y privacy. Another reason I can’t wait until my birthday. I want to be able to hold her hand and walk down the street.
“The bell is going to ring.” I hate saying this to her. It makes me feel like a child.
“I’ll call you after my show, but I did want to tell you this – I’ll be there next weekend.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. It will only be two days, but I need to see you. We’ll figure out the rest later, you better get to class.”
“Bye, Hadley.” She says bye and ends our conversation. I hold my phone, the one she made s
ure I would take, pressed against my mouth in deep thought. I’ll be seeing her next weekend, which cannot come fast enough.
“You’re talking to her on the phone?”
I jump at the sound of Dylan’s voice. I look up to find her standing there, in front of me. I never saw her come in the courtyard. Her hands are on her hips and she’s scowling. We haven’t spoken much since church. She still picks me up in the morning, but our conversation is very minimal.
I stand and brush off my pants, pocketing my phone. I know
she saw the iPhone. Her eyes are trained on me. She looks different. Not the same Dylan I’ve known for the past few years. Her expression is hardened, almost as if she’s upset.
I know I have to answer her. I also know she’s not going to like it. That day d
riving back from Hadley’s Dylan made it very clear how she felt. Those feelings don’t change overnight.
“We talk.” I shrug and step forward. Her hand comes out and stops me. We’re standing shoulder to shoulder, facing in opposite directions. The air is thi
ck with tension. My relationship with Hadley has caused this hiccup in our lives.
“You talk?” she asks in barely a whisper. I nod and step back to look at her. To really look at the girl I’ve called my best friend, my only real friend. Her eyes are swimmin
g with tears and I don’t know why. Is it so bad that I’m talking to Hadley?
“Why are you crying?”
Dylan shakes her head. “It’s nothing. I just miss my friend.” Her head falls forward to my chest. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her into a hug. We’ve done this before, but it feels awkward now. Her arms hold me tight, as if she’s trying to hold on for dear life.
“Do you want to hang out after school?” No, I don’t, but I can’t say that to h
er. Things shouldn’t have to change for us, even though I know they have. I’m not sure if I want things to change because I, too, miss my friend. I miss having someone to talk to. Maybe I can discuss my feelings about Hadley with Dylan.
“Sure,” I say, know
ing this makes her happy. I should want to hang out. It’s not like Hadley will be calling after school anyway. She has work.
Dylan pulls away, looks up at smiles, her gray eyes shining. By saying yes, I’ve made her happy. When she tries to hold my hand, I
pull away. I know Hadley and I aren’t defined, but I like Hadley and don’t really want to jeopardize whatever it is that we have. The look on Dylan’s face tells me nothing. Her eyes drop, but she stands next me. She keeps in step with me as we walk to our side-by-side lockers and pull out our textbooks for our next class.
She waits for me to shut my locker before turning into the hallway traffic. We have only two classes left before we can leave, both of us having a free period at the end of the day. From
looking at her though, I have to wonder if she still wants to hang out after school. Who knew that not holding hands would get this reaction?
I sit down behind her. The same seat I’m always in when we share a class together. I lean forward, moving her ha
ir out of my way and whisper to her. “Are you mad at me?”
She shakes her head and hands me a note. I stay where I am, allowing her long, dark hair to be a curtain from the teacher’s prying eyes.
We have the homecoming dance in a few weeks and I was wondering if you’d like to be my date?
We’ve never done the dance thing before; she’s always had a date. I’m surprised she’s asking when I know there will be a line of guys waiting to take her. I’m not sure how to answer her. I know I can’t take Hadley, but woul
d hate to say yes to Dylan and find out Hadley will be in town that weekend. I’d miss time with Hadley and I don’t want that. There is also the possibility that Hadley and I are no longer together, or whatever it is we are, and I’d miss the opportunity to take my best friend to homecoming. Not that I can afford homecoming.
Don’t you want to go with someone who can afford to take you out?
I hate writing those words, but it’s the truth. Dylan deserves to be treated like a princess, not a second-rate citizen from the slums. I have nothing to offer her except my discount at
Stan’s Burger World
. I fold the paper and slide it under her arm. The teacher is lost in a lecture and I’m not paying attention.
The note is back under my hand within seconds. I’ve never und
erstood how girls can be so stealthy.
I don’t need those things to have fun. Just you ;)
I read the words over and over. I’m caught on the ‘just you’ part. Dylan has never said things like this to me before. It’s all new. I’m not sure what to make of it and, once again, wish I had a guy I could talk to.
OK
.
I slide the paper back to her and wait. I’m staring at the back of her head, wondering what I just agreed to. She doesn’t write back, nor does she turn around, so I have no idea if she’s happy. I mean
, she should be happy, right? She asked me to the dance and I said yes.
I should be happy too, right?
Except I’m not, because all I can think about is telling Hadley what I’ve done and what her reaction might be. Maybe she won’t even react because I’m reading too much into what we have going on.
I don’t know.
The only thing I do know is that I’m confused about her and now Dylan. Being with Hadley, my thoughts are places they’ve never been before. My body is directing me to do things I haven’t even dreamed about with her. With Dylan, I look at her as if she’s just one of the guys, yet we are going to a dance together.
Hadley
“What’s this?” I ask as Alex tosses a newspaper in front of me. “Am I front and center again?”
She sits down,
falling into the white overstuffed chair. She kicks her legs over the side and smiles. I know something’s up. Picking up the paper, I open it. There are red circles in the classified section highlighting houses for sale. I look up at her. Her smile is devious.
“I have an apartment. I don’t need to buy a house.”
“I don’t think you looked at where those houses are located.” She pulls up her hand and starts looking at her freshly manicured nails.
I turn to the front page and stare at the name that has been
a part of my life for the past two weeks,
Jackson
. Alex wants me to buy a house in Jackson. Doing this would give us a place where we can be together without having prying eyes around us or having to pretend. It’s still not being public, but it’s better than nothing.
“I don’t know, Alex. Don’t you think this is sort of presumptuous? I mean, what if he doesn’t want to be with me like I want him. He has his whole life ahead of him to pick someone. I’d look like an idiot if I bought a house and he didn’t want
me there.
“He has a life away from me. I’m this weekend thing, occasionally. He probably has another girlfriend that he’s keeping from me.”
“You’re impossible.” Alex gets up and moves to the window, throwing open the curtains. The sun is shining. Misleading the people of Chicago in thinking it’s a gorgeous day. That is, until you step outside and get whipped by a gust of wind, which is the main reason, I’m holed up in my hotel. I wanted to shop today, but am not in the mood to deal with the weather.
“I’
m not. I’m being realistic.” I set down the paper and pull my knees to my chest. “What if I’m just passing his time? He’s said so himself that he plans to leave when he’s eighteen. What if I don’t factor after that?”
Alex turns with her hands on her hips.
She’s glaring at me. “Like I said, you’re impossible. That boy let you come to church, where his parents were, just so he could have a few hours with you before you left. He snuck out of his house to attend a charity ball with you. That boy is smitten with you, probably just as much as you are with him.”
I roll my eyes at her. She walks away, leaving me to contemplate what she’s said. I’ve been so scared to love since my last boyfriend.
I swore off relationships. Then I met Ryan.
I wipe the errant tear fro
m my face and go to look for Alex. I find her, reading on her bed. I crawl up beside her and snuggle into her. I love her. She always knows what’s best for me.
“I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just seeing things with clearer eyes.”
“I’m
scared to open up to him. I’m going to get hurt.”
Alex rolls on her side, moving me in the process. “I don’t think you have to worry about that with Ryan. Hadley, he didn’t even know who you were. This is
a guy who sat in the corner of a meet and greet with you and almost left the after-party. Clearly if he wanted you for your fame or money, he would’ve been all over you the first chance he had.”
I nod, knowing she’s right. I close my eyes and think about Ryan. I’ve been counting the days, only a few more
until I can see him. Even if it’s for minutes each day, seeing him will be enough to hold me over for the next time.
If I buy a house in Jackson, I could be there more often instead of being in New York. Nothing is holding me there, especially when I’m no
t touring.