Authors: Heidi McLaughlin
“What did you tell these guys?” I whisper to her as she sits down. She shrugs and starts unpacking her lunch. I poke her in the side, but all she does is smile.
I’m included in conversations like we’ve always been friends. I don’t think I’ve ever listened to what these guys talk about. The guys invite me to a party this weekend and Dylan tells them that we’ll be there. I’m not so sure how I feel about that. I don’t know what the shift is. I haven’t changed. But maybe I should enjoy it and think about staying in school for the rest of the year.
I walk into my mom’s office. Her eyes light up as she rushes around her desk to give me a hug. Her arms wrap tightly around my neck and she holds me, much like she did when I was a baby.
“I’m so happy to see you. I miss you.” She steps back, leaving her hands on my shoulders and looks at me. I know she sees my new clothes and if she’s upset, she doesn’t show it. She looks behind
her, probably checking to see if her boss is coming before leading me over to her desk. I know her boss is strict, but I have a feeling this is the only place I can see her without seeing my dad.
“I miss you, too. Is everything okay at home?”
“Things are fine, Ryan. You don’t need to worry about me.”
“But I do.”
She rests her hand on my cheek and smiles. “You’re such a good boy, you didn’t deserve what happened.” I have no reply for her because I don’t think anyone deserves to have that happen. It’s one thing to lose your girlfriend; it’s entirely another to have your dad turn violent on you.
“I’m scared for you,” I say. Her lips tighten into a faint smile.
“Listen to me. I can take care of myself. You don’t have to worry about your dad. The Rosses, they have my permission to let you stay at their house. You’ll be eighteen soon and can do anything you want.”
“What about you?”
She shakes her head. “He doesn’t touch me, I can promise you that.”
“If he does, will you leave?”
“Yes, Mr. Ross and I discussed that this week. You’re very lucky to have them. They love you, but not as much as me. I’m so sorry, Ryan. I should’ve been a better mother.”
I’m not sure if I should believe her or not, but I do. I tried to be mad at her for the way she acted, but Mrs. Ross e
xplained how when someone emotionally abuses you they take away all your self-esteem and that it took a lot for my mom to call Dylan that day.
Her eyes glisten and I smile at her, hoping to keep her tears at bay. This is the most talkative I’ve ever seen m
y mom and I like it.
“I’ll come by next week,” I say as I stand and give her a kiss. “I love you, Mom.”
“Love you, too.”
I wave as I walk out the door and head for home. Home… such a strange word for me now. When I pass the newsstand, the familiar blond h
air mocks me. I know I shouldn’t stop, but I have no control over my feet. She’s there on the cover with him. The headline blurs. All I see is her on her tiptoes, kissing him.
Hadley
Standing off to the side of the stage, I watch as Cole interacts with his fans. The female contingent is in full force for this show and he loves every moment. For the most part the tour is going really well. Each show is sold out and we've added more dates. I think Ian was shocked when I didn’t refuse the additions. Truth is, I love being on tour. Being on stage gives me such exhilaration. I need it to feel satisfied. It keeps my mind off things.
I didn’t want to come back here, to Jackson, but Ian insisted. I balked at doing
this show, begging Ian to cancel, but when the show sold out within minutes, Ian wouldn’t budge. Alex is supposed to be here already and I’m starting to get nervous. Her plane landed over two hours ago and it doesn’t take that long to get from the airport to the venue. I didn’t have to ask her, she just knew I’d need her, especially since the day is
tomorrow
. I’ve tried not to think about how things ended with Ryan. In fact, I try not to think about him period. Out of sight, out of mind, right? It’s easier this way, better really.
Ian surprises me when he drapes his arm across my shoulder. He’s been happier, too, since the tour started and I’m sure it’s because my
issue
no longer exists. I also think he’s over the moon about the display Cole and I have been putting on. Well, more of a display for me, not so much for Cole. Late night conversations with Cole lead me to believe he wants more. I wish I could say that I’m immune to Cole, but the truth is, I’m not. I never have been and it’s always been a fight. But I’m not in love with him. Not the way he wants me to be. I care for him and he’ll always be a part of my life, but that’s all I can be for him.
Ian whistles – you know, that annoying loud thing people can do when they put their fingers in their mouth –
right in my ear. I elbow him and he just smiles. This is the nice side of Ian. I know he wishes he could be like this more, but I stress him out. I cause him more work because of my inability to think straight. I made a vow when the tour started that I’d work hard and be America’s sweetheart.
I’ve been waiting for that reporter to renege on his deal with Ian. Each day I scour the Internet looking for anything related to my time in Brookfield, even though I don’t want to remember the result.
“You ready?”
I
nod. I’m always ready when I’m about to perform. Cole and I recorded some duets when we were dating, but never released them until now. That was part of the agreement. I would sing with Cole and Ian would make sure we had everything we needed on this tour. One thing I asked for was no
Anal Anna
and Ian agreed. It just means he lost interest and I’m okay with that.
The fans chant my name. I close my eyes and savor the sweet sound of their voices. It’s moments like this where I can forget everything. Word s
pread fast that Cole and I are performing together, giving me this surreal feeling. It’s not that I don’t like performing with Cole; it’s just that the song means something different now. The fans though, they think we're together and believe we’re singing to each other. Ian pushes me lightly, getting me moving. He’s had to do this a few times. When I open my eyes, Cole is beckoning me out on stage with a wicked smile on his face. The crowd erupts. I look and see both of us on the jumbo screen. He looks like he’s in love and for a brief second I wish I could return the sentiment.
When I reach him, he places his hand on my hip, pulling me closer. His lips graze my cheek, causing the crowd to go wild, only they don’t know that he’s whispering in my ear that h
e’s tired and really wants to go take a nap. I try not to laugh and the smile that spreads across my face entices the fans.
I’m handed a microphone and our stagehands bring out two stools. Cole helps me onto one stool before sitting on his own. The band s
tarts and we wait for our cue. Cole starts, his words, once having meaning, are now just words he sings to make the girls go crazy. They love him and they should. I haven’t looked at the crowd. I’m afraid. Not that I expect him to be here, but my heart is hoping he’s standing right up front, maybe holding a sign telling me how much he loves me and that tomorrow everything can be different, that he has forgiven me for being such a bitch.
Only when I open my eyes, he’s not there. In fact, from the looks of i
t there aren’t that many guys in the first few rows. There isn’t a sign. There isn’t anyone trying to get my attention. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it isn’t this. My heart starts to ache with thoughts of him. I close my eyes again and breathe in deeply before belting out my lyrics. I think of Ryan and how much I miss him as I sing.
The song finishes. When I open my eyes and look at Cole, he knows what I just did. I can see the hurt on his face, even though he’s trying to mask it. He looks back a
t the crowd and waits for the next song to start. I clear my head. I have to be fair to him. We're supposed to be play-acting for the public. I can’t do anything stupid.
After three more songs, Cole and I leave the stage. We’re going to have a half-hour i
ntermission before I go on. I follow him as he stalks off. I can tell he’s talking to himself by the way his hands are flying around. He throws his microphone at one of the techs. I shrug and apologize when I hand him mine. Cole throws open my dressing room door and stands in the middle of the room. I shut the door behind me, hoping that Ian will give us just a few minutes so I can explain, even though I have no idea what I’m going to say to him.
He turns. His face is red and full of anger. I get that he’s
upset, but we aren’t a couple and I’m allowed to miss the one I love.
“What the hell was that, Hadley?”
“What?” I ask, throwing my hands up in the air.
“Seriously, you don’t know?”
“Obviously not,” I say as I move by him. I sit down at my vanity, resting my head in my hands. I can’t stand vague. When he acts like this it really pisses me off.
“You missed your cue.
Twice.”
“What?” I look up at him and he’s staring at me. The expression on his face tells me he’s serious. “I did not. I know when to come in,
Cole, I wrote the damn song. Remember?”
“Yeah, I remember, but I just sat through it and so did the fans. You missed it and that’s not like you. You’re supposed to be acting like my girlfriend and there you are thinking about some piss-ant teenager, makin
g me look like a fool.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I get up and move over to my rack of clothes. I pull out a couple dresses and throw them onto the couch. Throwing my clothes feels good so I keep doing it until the rack is empty. I pick u
p my shoes and start throwing them across the room. When they're out of reach, I reach for the vase of roses and throw it against the wall. The glass shatters sending shards all over the place.
Cole grabs me from behind, locking my arms down with his. I f
all to the ground. He goes with me, holding me in his lap. I cry hard for the loss of the boy that I love and can’t have and for the man I just humiliated on the stage. I’ve destroyed Ryan, just like Cole destroyed me and there isn’t anything I can do to fix it.
Cole lets me cry. He doesn’t tell me everything will be okay or that he’ll fix it. He can’t. He’s not going to sugarcoat anything for me. He’s realistic and right now I hate him for it. I need him to tell me that he’ll track down Ryan and bring him
to me, that he’ll make sure Ryan forgives me for being a self-centered bitch, but he doesn’t. He holds me, keeping my arms locked so I don’t do any more damage.
I try to calm down, matching my breathing with his. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but think
ing about his chest moving up and down against my back brings things into perspective.
“You have to go on in a few minutes, Hadley.”
I shake my head. He’s wrong. “We just came off stage, Cole. I have thirty minutes.”
He rests his head against my back. I fe
el his lips press against my skin. “I love you, Hadley, probably more than I should, but you’ve got to get over this. I know you love him, but sometimes you have to put those feelings on hold and live your life. This is not the right time for either of you and you have to accept that.”
“We should never have come here.”
“I know. I don’t know what Ian was thinking, but it’s not good and right now your fans think there’s something wrong with you, so you need to go out there and show them that you’re the Hadley Carter they paid to see, not the one they just witnessed singing to her boyfriend.”
“Fake boyfriend,” I whisper.
“Yeah, fake boyfriend,” he sighs. “It doesn’t matter what I am, we have a deal and you need to keep your end.”
“I know.”
Apparently that satisfies him because he lets me go. I slide the rest of the way to the ground and pull my knees to my chest. I wish I could cancel the rest of the show, fake the flu or something, but I can’t.
The door opens, I don’t turn aroun
d because I know who it is and as excited as I am that she’s here, I don’t want her to see me like this.
“
It’s okay, Coleman, I’ll take care of everything.” I feel him shift behind me and hear the door close. Alex runs her fingers through my hair. She knows how to make me feel better.
“I want to go see him. Tomorrow he’ll be eighteen and everything will be fine. We’ll go in the morning and be back before the bus leaves.”
Alex moves and sits in front of me. She looks tired. I reach out and trace my finger under the bags. I hate seeing her like this. She shakes her head, pulling my hand into hers.
“I went to Brookfield, that’s why I’m late. I thought if I could bring Ryan to you, things would be better – not that things are good – but you know what I mean.”
“He didn’t want to come?” My voice shakes when I ask.
Alex shakes her head. “He doesn’t live at home anymore, sweetie. He ran away the morning after you left him.”
“No,” I whisper before breaking down in her arms. I’ve just lost the one I love more than anything and don’t know how to find him.