Louise: A New Beginning (13 page)

Maybe if I didn’t love him so much, my life would be so much easier. I would be free. . .

But Kate was right – I couldn’t be free when in love with William. And at this very moment, I hated him for that, for being too freaking good for me, for loving me more than life, for trying to be the answer to my every question, for being my only chance to become truly happy.

“What do you want?” I asked, already knowing the answer to my question.

“You,” he said. “I never stopped wanting you, Louise.”

For a few moments, neither of us spoke. We kept staring at each other, as if trying to make the other one give up and step back.

“Then what are you waiting for?” I finally said with a challenge in my words. “Take me. Like you have been dreaming of doing all the time we have spent apart.”

His jaw tightened, lips turned into one thin line.

“This is not how it was supposed to be. I have never wanted to just. . .fuck you, and you know that.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t want to think about doing it all right now. Let it be wrong, at least for once.”

He stared at me, obviously too shocked to speak. 

“Let’s pretend you never knew the real me,” I said. I felt like I was missing something very important about the whole thing happening in the room, but I didn’t care. “Let’s pretend you never let that blindfold you put on my eyes back in
Le Papillon
fall from my eyes. Let’s pretend I never knew the real you. . .”

He swallowed hard. “What if it’s true, Louise? What if you never knew the real me? What if the Will you see now is who I really am? Indifferent, soulless monster, too selfish to let you go.”

I could feel tears burning in my eyes. I don’t know why I suddenly felt like crying. I was losing control over myself. My mind refused to shut off the feelings my heart had been trying to suppress for so long. 

We were so screwed. . . Both he and I knew that this conversation was not going to end well, but neither of us cared. We went too far, we let our desires blind our eyes. He was not the only selfish person in the room. I wasn’t much different from him. I put my dreams first, and let Will stay somewhere behind those beautiful curtains opening into the room full of flies and admiring eyes, watching me dance for them. I never put him first. I never tried to imagine being him, to feel the things he must have felt all the time that I kept pushing him away from me.

I thought I knew what he felt. But I was wrong. I didn’t have a clue about what was actually happening in his head, or in his heart. I thought his love was strong enough to help him get through anything. Only I never thought that if it wasn’t for me, he would probably be so much happier now, maybe even married and with the kids he had always wanted to have.

“Stop thinking,” he said, as if he could actually read the thoughts running through my head. Ugh, if only he knew how much I wanted to stop thinking. . .

“Only if you do the same,” I said, again making it sound like a challenge. Because just like me, Will never stopped thinking, never stopped making a big deal of every small problem we faced. He didn’t know how to take things easy. He didn’t know how to not care, even if right now he felt like he didn’t gave a damn.

“We’re gonna regret this, Louise. . .”

“I don’t fucking care.”

I rose on my tiptoes, wrapped my arms around his neck and crashed my lips on his, drinking away every small doubt his blurred mind was still capable of thinking about.

He broke the kiss way too soon and turned me around, so that now my back was pressed to his chest.

He whispered into my ear, “I want to make love to you, Louise. Will you let me?”

His words sounded both soft and firm. He wouldn’t let me out of this room until he got what he wanted.

“Yes,” I said, breathing heavily. I didn’t want to think, I let my feelings, both good and bad, take over.

For the first time in what felt like forever, I just let it go. . .

William

It was wrong. . . The things we were about to do were so wrong, in so many ways. But neither of us cared. We were too drunk to stop and consider the consequences, too sick and tired of all the shit we had to go through just to give a fuck. I was drunk from the alcohol, and Louise – from the weight of everything she thought she was strong enough to do on her own. It was the worst possible moment for us to be together, but we weren’t capable of pretending we didn’t want each other any longer.

After her competition, I left before she could notice that I decided to come to watch her dance. She looked so happy up there. . . I felt like an intruder, breaking into her world of youth and freedom, a world she should enjoy without stressing about any aspect of her life with me. The stage is where she belonged, and while she was on it, it was hers, it made her happy; and I couldn’t take that bliss away from her. Though while I was there, I drank in every second of her dance; I couldn’t avert my gaze. . . I could see her emotions and the thoughts she was thinking while putting the routine together. It spoke to me – her body spoke to me. But I couldn’t ruin it for her, I had to get out of there, and so I did.

As I watched the love of my life move as gracefully as waves in the ocean, I kept thinking how the situation was impossible for me. It wasn’t because I wanted or planned to ruin her happiness. . . It was because she couldn’t allow herself to be happy with me until she was certain she could be happy alone first; I think it was like that saying: you have to love yourself before you can fully love another. And today, I actually saw and acknowledged, how complicated her life had become from my presence. Trespassing into her world was a mistake from the very beginning, and this was beyond watching her on stage. Louise would be just fine, even without me watching her every move. She was strong and brave; she was a warrior, who didn’t need an entire army to win over the world, or her battles. . . The fact of the matter was, she didn’t need me to fight for her anymore, she could do these things all on her own. All I did was complicate things for her.

I stood up, said good-bye to Sabine, and walked away, without giving a second thought to the fact I was walking out on her.

I was running away. . .from her, from myself, from all the feelings I had for her.

I just wanted to die, right then and there; and never have to look into her eyes again. . . Those beautiful eyes of hers. . .eyes that could see right through me, and deep into my soul. And every time they did, it made my heart race and my body tremble; and when I gazed back into those eyes that were more like a trap, I would drown in their deep blue bottomless depths. Like I said, her eyes were like a trap laid out just for me, and that was why I needed to get away before she could see me.

I left the building practically running. . . I needed to put some distance between us, I got into my car and sped off. I didn’t look back, or even glance in the rear view mirror. I thought it was for the best. For a moment, I imagined leaving her forever, walking away, and never allowing myself to even speak her name again.

I pulled up to the hotel I usually stayed at when I wanted to be alone, and hastily parked my car in its parking lot. I got checked in and walked to my room, feeling both a sense of defeat and victory for getting away. As I was drowning my sorrows in the drinks from the minibar, I decided I might need to run even further away from her, so I wouldn’t give in and go running back –

Tap. . .tap. . .tap. . .
There was a knock at the door.
The stupid fucking hotel staff needs to leave me. . .
I opened the door and began to yell, before I noticed she was the one standing in the threshold of my hotel room, as gorgeous and desirable as ever. I groaned.

I was lost again. So fucking lost to everything but her. I don’t think I had ever hated myself more than I did now. I wanted to use her to satisfy the hunger that I couldn’t continue to bottle up. When she made the offer, the cap came shooting off the bottle, and my feelings and thoughts combined into one inexplicable desire that I had no idea how to suppress, and instead of even attempting to control myself, I just let that desire take me away. . .

“Relax,” I whispered, placing a small kiss on the curve of her neck. I intentionally made her turn away from me. Apparently, a tiny part of my conscience was still present. It was telling me that I would never be able to forgive myself if I were to be so primal and rough with Louise; however, I spend for-fucking-ever without her, and I pushed my worries to the back of my mind and made it to where I didn’t have to see her eyes. I convinced myself it would make it better if I couldn’t… I wanted her… I
needed
her… Now.

I could feel her chest rising and falling beneath my exploring hands, reaching for the bottom of her light-blue shirt. After a few silent moments, I removed it. I rubbed my hands down her back, and moved them back up to the clasp of her deep-red bra, unsnapping it in one smooth motion, letting the straps slide down her arms.

“I’m gonna tie your hands,” I said, reaching for my tie, left on the back of a chair.

She didn’t protest when I pulled her hands behind her back, and tied them together with the silky piece of fabric.

I pulled her to my chest again, using my palms to massage her body: up and down her sides, rubbing them across her belly, and stopping at her perfectly shaped breasts to lightly pinch her exquisite pink nipples.

“Why exactly are you here, Louise?” I asked for the hundredth time in the last half hour.

She knew what I needed to hear in response. “To please you,” she said, joining in the unspoken, sick game that at that very moment, somehow felt like the only way out of the mess she and I had gotten ourselves into.

“That is the right answer,” I said, still too drunk to think clearly. . .or maybe I was just enjoying the feeling of complete loss of control too much to try to be reasonable again.

No amount of alcohol could get me more drunk than her body and her unique scent. . .I knew I would always be able to remember the smell of her skin even when she was not around. It was enough to make me close my eyes and have her scent wash over me, filling every fiber of my body and mind.

Her tight jeans didn’t leave much to my imagination. . .that is, as far as the shape of her body was concerned anyway. They showed every sexy curve she possessed, and I couldn’t wait to go exploring and navigate my way around her entire body; inside and out. I reached for the zipper of her jeans and pulled it down, I pushed the jeans down her legs and when they got close to her ankles, she lifted one foot up, and then the other, slipping her legs out of the pants, and then kicked them off to the side.

She was still standing with her back to me. Her blond curls cascaded down one shoulder, giving me an amazing view of her perfect back, great ass, and very long legs. I ran my palms down her spine, cupping her ass lightly. The deep-red thong she was wearing didn’t cover much, which was a huge advantage at the moment.

I gripped her ass a little tighter, and slid one hand in between her legs, bringing her closer to me. My breath caught the moment I felt her wetness, through the silk of her thong. God, she was worked up and ready for me. I couldn’t believe she wanted me despite how much of a first class asshole I had been to her tonight. It was sick, so sick, but I couldn’t wait for the moment we would get lost in the pleasure of our bodies becoming one, skin to skin, hip to hip, lip to lip.

Minutes ticked by as we stood there, too shattered to step away from each other; too broken to breathe, and too scared to even think. It was like we were about to give up on each other, but we couldn’t do that without hurting our bleeding hearts even more, no matter how impossible it felt, considering they were irreparably broken to the extent where neither of us knew how to cure the scars they were covered with.

I was ruined because of her, and no one could fix it but her. . . I wanted to punish her for it, even though I realized it wasn’t exactly her fault, it was my own stupidity. I allowed myself to get too close, and the blame for that was all my own. . .and at this point, there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.

I pushed her over to the couch, and bent her over its back. My hands landed on her ass again, then slid up and down her sides, catching the edges of her thong and let it fall down her legs, when it hit the ground, she gently stepped out of it and kicked it away, and her leg brushed against my cock.

My dick hardened. I had never seen her act like that, all obliging and quiet, and innocent. . .and she seemed to be a little obsessed with the idea of me taking her in the most primal way. I didn’t need to see her face to feel it. Her body spoke for her; every single thought crossing her mind was reflecting in the way she was breathing, throwing her head back, with her eyes closed, and her shameless lips pattered. I don’t think she had ever looked sexier than she did now.

I kneeled down on the floor, and licked a line in between her smooth lips. She moaned loudly in response; her back arched at my touch, and her entire body trembled beneath my palms. Then I rose to my feet and reached for the bottle of champagne sitting on the coffee table where I had put it earlier. I turned it upside down, and let the golden liquid flow all down her back, ass, and legs. I bent down and started licking the small, shining drops from her skin, running my tongue across her gorgeous curves, and caressed her in the most sensual way with my hands.

“I want to taste it too,” she suddenly said, turning her head slightly to see me better.

I leaned closer to her face, pulling her hair back and making her lean into me. Then I covered her lips with mine, sliding my tongue inside her mouth and let her taste the champagne from my lips.

“You are my worst distraction, Louise. . . My curse. My perfect imperfection. You are my better half, and my darkest wish. My greatest victory and my saddest loss. You are my everything. . . Everything I want to forget, and everything I never want to let go. . . What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to live?”

“No more thinking tonight, remember?” She bit her lower lip, letting her head rest on my shoulder, her eyes closed again.

I reached down for her clit, drawing invisible circles around it. She let out a pleased moan, leaning into my hand. God, I wanted her, now more than ever.

Shaking from head to toe, I took off my clothes and went to stand behind her again.

“Please,” she whispered, “Make me yours, Will. I want to be all yours. . .”

What was I waiting for? For a moment, I felt like stopping before it was too late, but then she pressed her ass against my throbbing cock, and my mind just shut the fuck up. I grabbed her ass, placing my arousal at her entrance and pushed myself in, hard and deep.

Moans of pleasure resonated from her. Her wetness welcomed me, embracing me with its warmth, flowing down my length, and making my every thrust so easy.

Shivers ran up and down my spine, like cold, metal blades, igniting the dangerous fire burning inside me. She shuddered with my every thrust, my hands and lips were everywhere they could touch her, our bodies slamming against each other.

The sounds of our lovemaking filled the room. I set the pace and she adjusted to it perfectly. I never doubted that she could read me so well, she knew exactly what to do and how to move to please me.

My thrusts got faster, rougher.

“Untie me,” she said, gasping for air.

“What for?”

“Just do it.”

And I obeyed.

She turned around and wrapped her hands around my neck.

“Lift me up,” she breathed against my lips.

And I obeyed, again.

She wrapped her legs around me, then lowered herself onto me, kissing me deeply.

I bounced into her dripping pussy, making more small sounds escape from her throat. They vibrated on my lips as she kept kissing me, sucking and biting on my lower lip, then licking it with the tip of her tongue, painfully slow.

I started to push faster, her moans became louder, breathing heavier; the drops of sweat started to roll down my back.

Fuck, I was close, so close I couldn’t wait to feel her coming with me.

Her eyes rolled back, and I felt her cunt tightening around me, bringing me even closer to the edge.

Wave after wave, the climax took us over. I felt like I couldn’t restrain it, but I wanted more.

“Turn around,” I commanded.

With a knowing smirk in her bewitching eyes, she did what I told her to do. I bent her over the couch again and started fucking her hard from behind.

It was freaking too much. . . I couldn’t hold back any longer. With one final thrust, I came hard inside her, feeling a long-awaited relief roll over me, washing away the tension, the pain, the anger.

So  perfect. . . Always so perfect. . .

“You are one selfish bastard, William Blair,” she said, trying to catch her breath.

“Oh, I’m not done with you, Louise. Not just yet...”

I couldn’t let her go after what just happened between us.

“I want you to be feeling sore,” I whispered, gripping her hair again. “You were not supposed to be here tonight, but you are. And since you so kindly showed up at my door, there is no way in fucking hell I am allowing you to leave this hotel before I get exactly what I want first. . .and that just happens to be you, I want all of
you. . .
”