When sorting out how to slow down the Crazy Cycle, it helps to remember that men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and on the other side, women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally. If the Love and Respect Connection is to make sense and work in a marriage, the wife, in particular, must conquer any feelings about her husband needing to earn her respect. I have counseled many wives who love to love, but they do not love to respect. When these women feel unloved, often they will try to improve the situation with even more love. That’s natural. But when these women feel unloved, it is hard for them to show respect. That’s unnatural. They act disrespectfully, but they don’t really want to. They are merely reacting to their built-in feelings. Not realizing how contemptuous she sounds, a wife might say, “He’s blowing this ‘respect thing’ out of proportion. He’s too sensitive. My scolding and sour look stay. That’s who I am at times. He needs to get over it! This is
his
problem.”
But, of course, it isn’t his problem; it’s
their
problem. How would this wife feel if her husband would say, “You’re blowing this love thing out of proportion. You’re just too sensitive. You’re always telling me I’m too harsh. You need to get over it”?
Husbands, of course, also have their work cut out for them. Because they are feeling disrespected, they can lose sight of the heart of their wives. It is easy to lose fond feelings of affection in the face of what appears to be contempt. But is her goal to emasculate you? Not if she is goodwilled. Even if she is unfairly nasty, this is no excuse for a man of honor to refuse to obey God’s command to love his wife. I believe the men who are reading this book are men of honor, and my appeal to them is this:
Love your wife. Always try to see what is in her deepest heart.
If a husband has any honor and goodwill at all, he must step up to the plate and start figuring out this business of “being loving.” And he must conquer any fears he may have of her contempt. Her criticisms may not be contempt at all; they are simply her way of crying, “Please love me.” When a husband can decode that cry and respond to his wife with understanding and love, he will experience the joy of a fair and balanced approach to marriage, and those fond feelings of affection will return. I have talked to many men who say they want to try but are clueless as to how to go about it. Fortunately, there are plenty of clues, which I am always happy to share with any husband who is willing to listen, learn, and then change his approach to his wife. (See especially chapters 5 to 7, as well as chapters 8 to 14.)
MARRIED COUPLES ARE AT A CROSSROADS
Today married couples are at a crossroads. Will she appreciate her husband’s need for respect, or will she denounce his feelings? Will she discover that the best way to love a husband is by respecting him in ways that are meaningful to him? Or will she focus totally on what she feels is the key to a happy marriage—her womanly feelings—and dismiss his needs as antiquated or male arrogance?
At the same time, will the husband appreciate his wife’s need for love or just continue to ignore her feelings? Will he discover the best way to love a wife is to look beyond her criticisms and complaints to see why she isn’t feeling loved? Or will he just cower before her apparent contempt and retreat to the shelter of his “stone wall”?
In a marriage, the wise person give[s] thought to their ways”(Proverbs 14:8 NIV).
Increasing numbers of couples who are at the crossroads are taking the right fork—the one labeled “Love and Respect.” One wife, a strong-minded career woman, wrote to tell us of how she and her husband were using the Love and Respect Connection concepts and that their Crazy Cycle is slowing down and has all but stopped. She wrote:
My husband was able to see that when he would withdraw (often because I was disrespectful), I would feel abandoned or unloved. So I would go after him with a vengeance that would make a warrior cower . . . which would disrespect him and hurt him deeply, causing him to withdraw even more severely—the whole “Crazy Cycle.” But he, for the first time, was willing to see that he had acted “unlovingly.” He was able to own some part of it. I think he was able to see that I was more delicate (even though I try really hard to sell my strength to everyone, including him) and that I do need him and want his support and strength. I asked him to forgive me for being so disrespectful. We have been talking and things have been gradually changing. Mutual understanding is setting in.
At some points in this chapter I may sound as if I’m trying to hammer the wives on their lack of unconditional respect for their husbands. But I’m not trying to hammer wives—
I’m trying to help them
, because I know how pivotal the wife’s respect can be in slowing down the Crazy Cycle. Yes, many men are unloving clods to one degree or another, but they can change. In fact, many of them want to change, and the best way to get them to change is treating them with unconditional respect.
In our conferences and counseling situations, we deal constantly with husbands and wives who quickly grasp the concept of the Crazy Cycle. They would like to get off—as soon as possible—but there are still a few reservations. They have been spinning for so long they wonder,
Can this stuff really work?
In chapter 5, we will start looking at answers to some typical questions and give practical advice for stopping the Crazy Cycle.
CHAPTER FIVE
SHE FEARS BEING A DOORMAT;
HE’S TIRED OF “JUST NOT
GETTING IT”
I
have counseled many wives who want to try the unconditional respect approach, but they are still not totally convinced that it will work. That old, “The rat needs to earn my respect” attitude dies hard. And I have counseled many husbands who truly want to be loving men. They are willing to try but are wary of looking like unloving fools—again.
Questions from wives and husbands who want to try to stop the Crazy Cycle, or at least slow it down, usually focus in three general areas:
1. She wonders,
Won’t I wind up just being a doormat?
He wonders,
Why can’t she see I’m tired of hearing, “You just don’t get it!”?
2. She thinks,
But if I don’t really feel respectful, I’ll be a hypocrite.
He thinks,
I get no respect—what’s the use?
3. She thinks,
Can I really ever forgive him?
He thinks,
I blew it again . . . nobody can love that woman!
I want to deal with all these reservations to show husbands and wives that, while these concerns are typical and natural, there are answers that can give them courage and motivation to start using the Love and Respect Connection to stop the Crazy Cycle. As we will see, in each of these areas the wife’s concern is a mirror image of her husband’s concern in many ways.
WHO SHOULD MAKE THE FIRST MOVE?
But before we start, there is one critical question for husband and wife to consider. As we think about stopping the Crazy Cycle, who makes the first move? As a wife, whatever you do, don’t say, “Emerson is right. I need your love, so start loving me and I’ll show you respect.” That simply won’t work because that attitude is in itself disrespectful, and it triggers an unloving reaction. You are making your husband responsible for both the love and respect in the marriage. He will simply shut down.
On the other side, as a husband, never say, “Emerson is right. If you respect me, all will be well and I will be more loving.” That won’t work either because that attitude is in itself unloving, and it triggers a disrespectful reaction. You are making your wife responsible for both the love and the respect in the marriage. She will simply shut down.
So who should make the first move? In our marriage conferences, I explain that I prayed about this, and here is the answer God gave me:
the one who sees himself or herself as the most mature.
You see, you can’t wait for your spouse to go first, even though it’s preferable. All of us want our spouse to be the first to start doing the respecting or the loving. But can you afford to wait passively for this to happen, like some kind of neutral bystander? Can a husband wait for his wife to respect him before he becomes more loving? Can a wife wait for a husband to really love her so she will then show him respect?
The fear, of course, is that you will show love or respect to your spouse, as the case may be, and get a bad response. So you tend to pull back, waiting for the other person to move first. But what are your options? Holding back your love or respect will just keep the Crazy Cycle spinning away, but being mature and making the first move could slow it down.
Think about it this way. It is absolutely ineffective for a husband to shout, “I’m not loving that woman until she starts respecting me!” It is pointless for a wife to scream, “I’m not respecting him until he starts loving me!” Taking the role of the mature mate and moving first may be risky, but it is very powerful. Rarely can you lose. Think about it. You know if your spouse acted first, you would respond positively. Knowing that, do you really believe that your spouse doesn’t have enough goodwill to react lovingly or respectfully if
you
make the first move? When you touch your spouse’s deepest need, something good almost always happens. The key to energizing your spouse is meeting your spouse’s heartfelt desire. (For how to say it, see appendix A, p. 305.)
In your marriage, be the first to “seek peace and pursue it” (1 Peter 3:11).
In this chapter, and in chapters 6 and 7, we will be looking at three general areas of concern held by husbands and wives who would like to stop the Crazy Cycle but still have a few reservations. The first concern is one we hear a lot in our conferences: the wife fears that unconditionally respecting her husband will guarantee that she will wind up being a doormat.
NOT A DOORMAT BUT A WOMAN WITH POWER
As I encourage some wives to use unconditional respect, I can tell they suspect that I am a chauvinist in sheep’s clothing trying to set them up for a life of subservience. I remind such a wife to be patient. I’m trying to help her get her husband to love her
more,
not run roughshod over her.
When I talk about respecting your husband, I do not mean being a doormat. I do not mean burying your brains, never showing your leadership ability, or never disagreeing in the slightest way. I do not mean that he is superior and you are inferior in some way. Nor do I want you to ignore your hurts and vulnerabilities.
Despite my assurances, some wives fear that taking a respectful attitude during a conflict with their husbands will render them powerless. These women do not believe a husband will change into a loving man unless he is awakened to his flaws. And the only way he will awaken to his inadequacies and faults is to hear his wife’s grumblings, corrections, and contempt. One wife confessed, “I would listen in on phone conversations (or conversations in a group of people) to ‘correct’ any misstatements he might make.”
Another wife admitted “mothering” her husband. “As mothers, it is built into us to be instructors—that’s a major part of motherhood. But it is extremely difficult to differentiate our roles between mother and wife. For instance, when baby comes along, Dad seems at a loss as to what to do and we ‘instruct’ Dad. Over time, we start instructing in many areas.”
Wives, “do what is right and do not give way to fear”(1 Peter 3:6 NIV).
The typical wife knows instinctively that correcting and mothering her husband are not good ways to approach him, but what else can she do? If she keeps winning battles this way, it could help her win the war of changing him into the kind of man she feels he ought to be. She keeps on using negativity because she feels empowered by it. She thinks it gets through to him. She knows being nice doesn’t get through to him because he just seems to ignore that. Her disrespect gets his attention and she seems to win the skirmishes, which are usually about the same problems: being late, working too much, poor parenting, insensitivity,
etc.
But none of these problems is the root of the issue. Lack of love and respect is at the heart of it all. (To evaluate your approach to your spouse, see appendix B, p. 309.)
As John Gottman observes, “The major goal is to break the cycle of negativity.”
1
One wife confessed, “Most people would label me ‘one of the happiest, most positive people I know,’ but then something happens behind closed doors. I can yell and scream and rant on about little issues forever.”
Unfortunately, the wife who feels empowered by negativity isn’t even aware she needs to break that cycle. But she may sense that her criticisms don’t motivate him to be more loving, so she tries to apologize after an argument or a conflict. He may accept her apology because he knows she is a goodwilled woman who feels badly. But as the Crazy Cycle spins again the next month (or week) and then continues in a distinct pattern, he begins to believe that she has contempt for him as a human being—that she secretly despises him.
Because he is confused, he doesn’t ask the question, “Don’t you respect me?” for fear she’ll say, “No, I don’t.” That frightens him so he avoids it. As a result, she gets locked into disrespect as a way of communicating her irritation and goading him to change. But over the course of the marriage, something slowly dies between them. She wins the battles, but deep down she knows she is losing the war.
WHAT IF YOU’RE AFRAID TO TAKE THE RISK?
But suppose she attends a Love and Respect Conference and learns what can happen if she begins showing her husband unconditional respect. She sees a glimmer of hope, but possibly she is afraid to “take the risk.” I talk to many wives who find themselves in this state of mind after hearing our message for the first time. A wife wrote, “I am willing to try this approach as a key to improve my marriage relationship. It’s a risk because I do not know what my husband’s response will be. I am holding God’s hand and trusting him.”
In ages past, wives were “holy women . . . who hoped in God” (1 Peter 3:5), and today God calls wives to do the same.
To this dear woman, and to all others like her, I say taking the risk is the way to achieving your goal! If a wife can trust her husband’s basic goodwill and his good intentions (even though he may be acting unloving at times), she can turn her marriage around, as the following reports testify. One woman wrote to admit she was sad because she had been married twenty-two years and was just starting to understand the Love and Respect message. She said: