Love Beyond Words (City Lights: San Francisco Book 1) (32 page)

David hadn’t wanted to wait too long after leaving Natalie’s place to get to Julian. The fear that she’d call the police anyway was as sharp and hot as the slap on his face.
No. She knows he’ll die if that happens. That I would end him…
But would he? He recoiled from the thought. He wasn’t a murderer, of course not. But more and more the gun in his hand seemed less a weapon and more of an escape. A respite from the pain of watching that which he loved most in the world give his love to another. And perhaps stronger than that, the gun promised an end to the maddening chorus of whispers in his mind that constantly reminded him of his failures, of his loneliness, of the immense pressure that pushed down on him like an unseen hand.

No, I can handle it,
he told himself.
Natalie is stupid, but not stupid enough to risk Julian. I’ll just have to be vigilant.

The hours just after the break-up were crucial, and he wanted to ensure Julian’s train of thought started heading in the right direction. Julian would need a calm, steady hand to lead him away from these crazy notions of coming out of seclusion and back into the security and safety of anonymity.

But first he had to wait until the damned imprint of Natalie’s hand faded from his cheek. David sat in his car in the parking garage under Julian’s building. He checked his reflection in the rear-view, cursing the humiliation of it.

Fifteen minutes later, the mark on his cheek had faded into a blotch of redness. It would have to do. He raced up to the penthouse to find Julian standing ramrod straight, staring at the night skyline with bloodshot eyes, his arms crossed over his chest, his face expressionless.

“Oh, hey,” David said. “I…hope I’m not disturbing you. Just…uh, left something in the office.”

Julian didn’t reply; didn’t acknowledge his presence.

“Is…everything okay?

“No, David, it’s not.”

“What’s wrong?” David approached and stood beside him. “Are you all right?”

“Natalie and I…” He clenched his teeth. “We’ve broken up.”

“Oh gosh, Julian. I’m so sorry. That’s a real shame.” He laughed shortly and said, “Well, sure sounds like you could use a drink—”

Julian rounded on him with a sudden speed made all the more startling for his stillness before. “Why aren’t you surprised?” he demanded, his voice hoarse and thick with old tears. “Why aren’t you asking what happened? Did you have something to do with her leaving me?”

David stammered and stuttered, tripping over the coffee table in retreat.

“What? No…Of course not! Who am I to Natalie? She hates me. What could I possibly say that she would listen to?”

Julian considered this and then abruptly turned away, the haunted expression returning. “Someone said something to her. I just can’t believe that she would do this when…when we were so happy.”

“What happened? I mean, what reason did she give?”

“She wants the writing instead of me. And…” he added, hardly audible, “she’s…afraid of me.” His jaw worked for a moment. “She’s afraid I’m violent.”

David opened his eyes wide, aghast. “What? But that’s crazy! You’re the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful—”

“My temper is bad,” Julian said, without hearing. “I told her that I struggled with it, with being hurtful and cutting with words. But I never…I don’t know how it got into her head that it’s worse than it is.”

Yes, I wonder…
David stood beside Julian and laid his hand on his shoulder. “What are you going to do?”

Julian’s eyes flickered to David’s hand and back. His tone was dangerously casual. “I’m not sure, David. What do you recommend I do?”

David turned his caress into a hard pat and then withdrew. “I recommend you do what any man would do in this situation, and that is get good and drunk.”

He watched as some of the tension eased out of Julian, his eyes lost their suspicious glint and all that remained was pain. His sank down on the couch and laid his head in his hands.

“It doesn’t make sense. None of it. It’s not her. Something’s happened…”

David sat down on the couch’s arm, resisting the urge to touch Julian again. Julian’s sweater was fine, black cashmere, fitted to his beautiful physique. David loved him in black…

“Sounds like typical, fickle female behavior to me,” he said, and then regretted it.
As if I would know.
But Julian seemed not to have heard.

“What if she was…mistaken? Listening to bad advice from her friends…?”

David frowned. “Mistaken? Julian, she broke your heart. She accused you of abuse! Abuse that never happened! You can’t reconcile with her.”

“I can’t?” Julian asked from inside his hands.

“Why would you?”

Julian raised his head. He was defeated. The fire of his anger had gone out, and the formidable man was gone. “Because I love her.”

“Sometimes that’s not enough. Or maybe, in this case, it’s too much.”

“What do you mean?”

David kept his gaze straight ahead, speaking in a casual tone, as if his observations were just coming to him off the top of his head and not crafted out of Natalie’s own words.

“Maybe it was all too much for her. Her favorite author is Mendón. She falls for you. You’re Mendón. And then there’s talk of you coming out of seclusion…” David shrugged. “It was probably overwhelming to the poor girl. She was used to such a simple life.”

“If that’s true, then perhaps she just needs time…”

“No,” David said, “I think, maybe, she
belongs
to her simple life. She belongs in it and wants to keep it. Things were moving very fast for a while there, and even I was worried for you. I mean, the ring? Marriage?”

He watched those words strike Julian a one-two punch.

“You seemed to forget the reasons why you keep Mendón private, how dangerous it could be for you.” He slung his arm around Julian’s shoulders and squeezed in a half hug. “I hate to see you get hurt.”

Julian glanced up. “What danger? You think the world cares whether I’m some…writer?”

“You’re not just
some writer.
You’re a genius. Young and talented. Brought up in poverty by a single mother. Overcame incredible odds. Yours is a remarkable story, and the world would go crazy to hear it. They wouldn’t leave you alone.” He saw his words were having no effect on Julian. David swallowed and tried a different tact. “Your mother was a wise woman. I’m just thinking about what she would have wanted.”

The icy stare that met this comment could have frozen a desert. Julian slid off the couch and returned to his cross-armed post, staring out of the windows at the magnificent cityscape lit with a million lights. “It’s late,” he said tonelessly. “Go home, David,”

David tripped off the couch, his feet tangling clumsily. “Well, I came over because I have a bit of work to do in the office here…”

“Fine.”

David eased a sigh. “Okay, good. Maybe later you’ll be up for a drink or two.”

Julian said nothing.

“I hope you know I’m here for you should you need me.”

No reply.

He didn’t want to leave but Julian’s wintry silence was pushing him toward his office. “Okay, good night, Julian.”

Julian didn’t move or respond. David was inclined to feel hurt over Julian’s cold shoulder until he remembered his victory that day. He’d won. Natalie was gone and he had Julian all to himself again. All the man needed was time to realize who had always been there for him and who had smashed his heart to pieces.
I would never do that to him. Ever.

On his way past the kitchen, he saw Julian’s cell phone on the counter. David snatched it without breaking his stride. In his office, he flung himself on the couch. The gun-wielding unpleasantness with Natalie had left him more drained than he realized. He patted his pocket where the weapon hung heavy next to Natalie’s cell phone. Julian’s cell phone joined it. Another precaution. Not enough, not by a long shot but it would have to do for now. His eyes immediately began to close. The worst was over but he still had a long way to go to keep Julian safe.

#

Julian watched the night’s shadows thicken until the twinkling panorama of city lights was his apartment’s only illumination. The awful conversation with Natalie scrolled through his thoughts, like a passage from a book that he was unable to rewrite into something that didn’t make his heart ache or his stomach writhe. He sat on the couch, bending knees that creaked from stiffness and stared at nothing.

David’s words filtered into his mind. Danger. There was danger in coming out of his self-imposed isolation. His mother’s warnings about low men and dishonest women joined David’s words. He thought of Natalie. He had revealed himself to her and she had discarded him, taking what she thought was the best part of him. Is that what his mother had meant? Was that the price that she feared he would pay again and again?

“She was right after all,” he muttered darkly, and anger lanced through him…and then faded. To lose Natalie…to never talk to her, or hear her laugh; to never touch her or kiss her or make love to her again…Pain gripped his heart in a vise and seeped into his gut, twisting his insides until he thought he’d be sick.

David’s advice to get drunk sounded better and better. The pain needed dulling. But not with David. He guessed his assistant was still in his office. Or maybe he’d gone home. It didn’t matter. It was astonishing how quickly nothing really mattered.

Julian went to the liquor cabinet off the kitchen and grabbed the first bottle—some expensive French brandy—and swigged it straight. He coughed after it went down, and took another. It wasn’t working; the pain felt bottomless. He took the brandy back to the couch and slumped down.

Something wasn’t right. Natalie wouldn’t end it with no warning. Just like that? He felt as if she’d taken a shotgun and blasted him in the chest. He drank deeply from the bottle, again and then again, until his stomach began to protest.

“The heart wants what it wants.” His words were already starting to slur.
I have to see her again. I can’t let it end like this. I can’t…

He stood up and fell back down. He peered blearily at his watch and deciphered that it was near midnight. Too late to return to her place, drunk and desperate.
I don’t want to scare her.

“But I already have.”

He flung his arm over his eyes, and lay back on the couch. That was the real reason. She was afraid of him and so there was no going back. How could he? He could promise he’d never hurt her; could tell her he wasn’t capable, that his soul recoiled from the very idea. But it was too late. The seed was there, planted by him even as he’d sought to expose his flaws to her honestly. Any time they argued, it would be there, lurking, and he knew that neither one of them could live like that.

“What happened?” he moaned. “We were happy. So happy…”

The bottle fell out of his hand and the dark liquid poured out, like blood from a deep wound.

Panic raced through Natalie in currents that left her weak and shaking. She called Liberty on her landline, her hands trembling so badly she dropped the phone twice. “Come over and bring Marshall. Please. It’s serious. I need help.”

“Of course, I’ll tell him to pick me up right now,” Liberty said. “But Jesus, you sound terrible. Are you okay?”

“Just…hurry.”

They arrived together and her she burst into tears at the sight of them.

“Oh honey, it can’t be that bad,” Marshall began but Liberty elbowed him quiet. She studied Natalie’s face that was pale and blotchy, her eyes alight with fear.

“No, this is serious. What is it, Nat?”

Natalie sat on the couch and told them about David’s visit. They listened raptly, Marshall next to her and Liberty perched on the ratty chair. Their faces morphed from disbelief to concern to outrage. When she’d told them David pulled out a gun Marshall jumped in his seat and Liberty hiccupped, “Holy shit!”