“I saved your life,” he pointed out quickly. He scooted over, away from me, but only so he could turn and face me straight on.
“Trusting you with my life is different than trusting you with my emotions,” I shot right back.
His eyes narrowed in the low light and the easy going expression on his face hardened into frustrated challenge. “And you’re afraid to trust me with your emotions?” I nodded. “But not your life?” I nodded again. “That seems backwards to me.”
“I put my life in other people’s hands all the time. Even Tyler’s.” I waited for that to sink in before I made a stronger point. “Not to mention the various objects I trust to keep me alive. Once, when Haley and I were low on ammo, we found a battery-powered nail gun in a Wal-Mart outside of Des Moines. I honestly felt like a psycho serial killer with that thing. It was chilling. Have you ever used one before?”
“To kill a Zombie? No.” Kane shook his head at me. He still appeared confused, but amusement danced in his eyes and his lips were twitching. “Go on.”
“Oh, right. Well, we eventually had to toss it. The batteries died and it turns out that it’s harder to find nails than it is to find ammo. Plus it was heavy-“
“No, not the nail gun. I mean, go on with your point. If you
have
a point.”
I avoided eye contact with him now since it was very obvious he found me entertaining and focused my thought. “What I’m saying is that I trust a lot of things with my life that are neither familiar to me nor reliable. I am used to handing my life over to anything with an ounce of ability to protect me and just hoping it turns out well for me. But my emotions are on lockdown. Those haven’t seen the true light of day in two years- unless you’re Haley. And there is a very small group of people that are just beginning to get sneak previews of them. We live in a volatile world, Kane, and I’ve decided I need to be picky with who I allow myself to feel for, who receives the gift of my feelings. But I’m not the only one like this. We’re all just trying to survive from day to day and that means not handing our hearts over to every available person only to watch them die from a Feeder attack three seconds later. You might not die from a Zombie bite, Kane. But you are just as dangerous as losing someone from the infection. I know this.”
He scoffed a little at my insinuation and turned his eyes to his hands. “Yet Hendrix has earned all these coveted Reagan-feelings?”
“His whole family has,” I answered honestly.
“But you don’t give the same feelings to Hendrix and his little sister, Reagan. Come on.” He was pushing me and I was falling for it.
I couldn’t stop myself- mostly because I didn’t want him to see me back down from this and also because this was truth- honest, authentic, real facts that he needed to learn to accept and deal with.
“You’re right, obviously.” I took a deep breath and held it for a moment before exhaling slowly. “You also understand that I feel completely different about Hendrix than I do you, yeah?”
“Reagan, you seriously think I’m like this crazy stalker. And I’m not. I know you’re just starting to get to know me, but I’m not what you think I am.” His eyes pleaded with me to believe him and for some reason I did. I knew he wasn’t what I thought he was, but my stomach started churning and my neck hairs stood up as I realized that this could go either way. Maybe he was a better person than I imagined him to be.
But also, maybe he was worse.
“And I know you like Hendrix,” Kane continued before I could think of something to respond with.
“Love Hendrix,” I admitted for the first time out loud. “I love Hendrix.”
“Oh,” Kane pulled back further away from me and his face was once again cast into shadow. I couldn’t see his expression anymore but his entire body pulled tight with tension. “And he loves you?”
“Yes,” I nodded quickly. “I think he does. I mean, I know he does.”
Kane’s entire body deflated at those words and he relaxed once again. “Ah, I see. You love each other, you just haven’t said it to each other yet. That makes total sense.”
“Hey!” I defended adamantly. “We’re taking our time! We don’t want to rush into anything just because there is a mutual attraction between us and we happen to be one of the last men and women alive. We’re letting ourselves fall in love with each other so that it happens naturally and nothing is forced!”
“That makes total sense,” Kane mocked me. “You just told me you used to carry around a nail gun to shoot Feeders in the head with until you couldn’t find any more refills for it! Your entire life is like that! One miraculous nail gun after another. Yet in this environment- the same one you just told me is volatile- you’re asking a man with feelings for you to take his time. You’re asking him to go slow and let it happen naturally?” He laughed humorlessly. “Naturally implies that things are still supposed to happen like they should, but those laws of physics died two years ago, Reagan. Now the only thing that happens naturally is more humans become flesh-eating Zombies and humanity as a whole regresses into identical looking Zombies. There isn’t a tomorrow or later, or better time for you to wait for.”
“That’s cynical, even for you,” I pointed out. I pushed back until both of our faces were obscured by darkness. I didn’t want him to have the advantage of being able to read my emotions, but also, I hated that he was saying things that sounded smart…. Or worse, they sounded right.
“Really? Because from my point of view I see that Hendrix pussed out and didn’t tell you he loved you, you tried to do everyone a favor by taking care of me, and then you got attacked by an insane amount of Zombies and now you’re trapped in a bunker
with me
. For all he knows you died, and you so very easily could have. Let me tell you something,” he leaned forward so that his face was once again visible in the light. His gray eyes were black behind his thick-framed glasses and his facial features sharp and unforgiving. “Hendrix is back in that compound or roaming the woods playing Hero or doing anything but making progress to get to us and he’s thinking one thought on repeat: I never told Reagan I loved her. And now I’ll never get the chance.”
“I see your point,” And I hated that I saw his point.
He ran a hand through his tussled hair and sucked in his bottom lip before continuing, “I get that you want to feel in control of something so you’re taking it out on Hendrix and trying to control him. But let me tell you something, Hendrix is not the kind of guy that is easily controlled. None of those Parkers are. And you’ll find out soon enough that I’m not either. You need to find a better strategy than telling us you need time. There isn’t time. Figure out what you want and go for it.”
Ah.
And it all clicked for me. Kane wasn’t stalking me- well not in his twisted up little head. He figured out what he wanted and now he was going for it.
He was going after me- in case anyone was struggling to keep up.
I reached forward and took Kane’s cold fingers into my hand. I held the pads of his fingers against the pads of mine and let the feeling of life- whole and unfiltered- beat between us. “Kane, I know what I want. I want Hendrix.”
“For now,” he shrugged casually. His fingertips slid down my hand until they pressed into the center of my palm and instead of a light touch we were now solidly holding hands.
I waited for him to say more- for him to go into some kind of speech about how he was going to win me over or about how Hendrix wasn’t right for me. Or for him to say
something
more. But he didn’t. That was it. His final thought. And I was left with the feel of his hand against mine and his eyes promising me everything his words didn’t.
I pulled back immediately. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t play his game. First, and foremost I didn’t understand his rules or the object of what we were playing for. And second and most importantly, he seemed to think he’d already won.
“I need to…. move.” I stood up and took the camping lantern with me, not caring if I was being rude or not. I turned the dial up as I walked across the small living room and breathed easier when I could see more of our temporary housing.
I could feel Kane’s presence behind me, thick and oppressive as if he were able to suck the space and oxygen directly into his gravity. He didn’t move from the bed, but I got the feeling he preferred it there, preferred being where he could watch me- observe me.
The Zombies continued to pound on the door, but he had been right. With my fears and anxiety out in the open, the power had been taken away from them and I felt decidedly more at ease- although appropriately on edge. But this feeling was more of the general readiness I felt everywhere and at all times since Haley and I first went on the run and forced ourselves to learn how to survive.
I would never completely relax again- not until we eradicated the Feeders from the earth.
Even then…
I had been changed. I’d turned from a simple girl with average goals and a comfortable life into a cold-hearted killer with skills the CIA would have either recruited me for or locked me up in one of those inescapable prisons for. My life would never settle into Pre-Feeder complacency again. I was no longer wired for normalcy.
I walked over to our only exit and put my hand gently against the cool metal. The steel vibrated beneath my fingers, kicking my heart into gear and my adrenaline began to stir once again.
They were just on the other side of that door, potentially hundreds of them. And they were desperate to get to us.
This door was incredibly strong.
But was it strong enough?
And would it need to be?
Hendrix was surely coming for me. I knew Vaughan wouldn’t be able to sit still during this. At this point I even trusted Gage to send out the cavalry.
The door rattled harsher beneath my hands and I wondered if it was because I stood so close to them. Could they smell me? Sense me?
“Reagan, let’s eat something,” Kane coaxed and even he sounded nervous.
I pressed my fingertips firmer against the door, a silent dare for the Feeders beyond to respond. A harsh keening resounded, even through the thick barricade between us and was met with echoing, inhuman cries of desperation.
I felt entranced in this moment, hypnotized by the deadly threat just inches from me. I’d never had to endure them for this long. Always before there was a frantic fleeing for my life and at least the release of fear as bloodshed and gore monopolized my time and thoughts.
This waiting and idleness was pure torture- the purgatory of the Zombie Apocalypse.
Kane’s hand slipped around my waist, pulling me back against the hard security of his warm, bare chest. “Let’s eat something,” he suggested again, only this time it came out more like a command than question.
“I’m not hungry.” I shook my head, but didn’t attempt to move away from his warm body and possessive touch.
“Please, stop antagonizing them,” he begged in a deep voice while his chest vibrated from the words.
“Are you scared?” I asked on a sincere whisper.
“Not for myself.”
I let his words sink over me, feeling the depth of his honesty, of his emotion. He couldn’t care for me. Honestly, these feelings he thought he felt for me just could not be genuine. He hadn’t known me long enough.
We didn’t know each other well enough.
But there was something so close to truth in his reverent tone; I swallowed against the urge to promise him I would be fine.
We stood there for a moment- for eternity- for endless amounts of time until all that remained was our breathing and the small world created by a turmoil of confusing emotions inside the bunker.
And then the gun shots broke through my confused haze and joined in the cacophony of hungry Feeder sounds.
Gunshot after gunshot until they rang louder than any keening or growling could. I sucked in a full breath and stumbled forward a step, reaching out for the door. It no longer vibrated from the banging, it remained still while the world beyond exploded into turmoil.
Grateful tears sprang from my eyes at the same time my lips whispered anxious, desperate prayers for the safety of everyone that had come to our rescue.
The fighting went on for
forever
. The guns never seemed to empty while the muffled shrieking from the Feeders never seemed to diminish.
I hated not being able to see what was going on more than anything else- which was saying something since my list of all things loathsome and vile had grown exponentially today. But it was miserable being trapped behind this door, unable to help, unable to contribute.
We had no guns though, not even a knife to protect ourselves with. Gage had said before that the bunker was armed, but we’d looked everywhere for weapons when we first closed ourselves in here and couldn’t find anything that could be considered lethal.
I needed to stay here until the Feeders were gone, otherwise I would cause an unnecessary distraction. But those moments of fighting against every instinct I had were truly agonizing.
I needed to help.
But even more than my need to be the hero, I needed to make sure that everyone was Ok.
That Haley was fine.