Love for the Cold-Blooded (50 page)

A sudden confused heat flooded Pat, drying out his mouth. Wow, this was so not the moment, but — man, that uniform looked as though it’d been designed to lovingly hug every line and curve. And that dive really showed off the clean v-shaped lines of Nick’s back, his strong shoulders and biceps…

Memories rushed him, making him tingle all over. That back stretching warmly beneath Pat, the intoxicating scent of Nick in his nose as Pat bent down to taste the nape of his neck. Those shoulders bunching as Nick pushed into the rhythm Pat set for him. Those washboard abs tense and trembling beneath his touch…

Pat swallowed and shook his head, willing himself to tear his eyes away from Silver Paladin banking in mid-air.

A bolt of energy came from nowhere, smashing into the rock floor at Pat’s feet to sizzle out in a cloud reeking of ozone. It left a black streak scored deep into the rock.

What the fuck, where had that even come from? A rebound, had to be —

On the other side of the cavern, Serpentissima was laughing, rearing up in a nimbus of cold venom-fire, regal and terrible to behold.

What was it Pat had been thinking, before he’d gotten distracted? Prudence, that was it — prudence and what it dictated. Which was (Pat was pretty sure) something like getting out of the line of fire. Yeah, the prudent course of action was definitely to take his Sluts and duck into the protection of the corridor leading to the labs, where they could wait out the battle in safety.

Whatever. Who was Pat trying to kid? He’d never been prudent. Prudent people never seemed to have much fun.

A fresh volley of Serpent’s Teeth disintegrated in a spray of fragments, raining down to the cave floor like a miniature meteor shower. Nick remained hovering in place, defensive shield glowing.

Pat hoped the cameras were getting all this. It was an awesome show; by rights, it should be making highlight reels for decades to come.

Nothing happened for a minute as the combatants sized each other up. Cap Cool’s low cursing seemed loud in the silence. (The Sluts had tied him up with one of the many left-over mounds of Ariadne’s yarn, and he was not happy about it.)

So far, Nick and Mom had been feeling each other out. From what Pat had observed, they seemed fairly evenly matched. They’d both been holding back on their more brutal attacks, but presumably those would match up more or less evenly, as well.

Which basically meant there was no call for going there at all, right?

Maybe Pat should suggest something to that effect. Or maybe that would be stupid, considering that neither of them were best pleased with him right this moment. On the other hand, he hadn’t actually done anything wrong, so…

He was just about to open his mouth when Serpentissima preempted him.

“Whatever else may be said about you, Silver Paladin…” The Snake Ascending lashed her tail, her massive form framed imposingly against a backdrop of broken ceiling and blue sky. “You are at least competent, when judged by today’s lax standards. I suppose it would not be fair to measure you against heroes like Vindicator.” On her shoulders, Marlene uncoiled enough to lift her head, peering critically in Silver Paladin’s direction. She probably couldn’t see him at all; boas had lousy eyesight. She was almost certainly scenting the air with her tongue, though, and when Serpentissima bared her fangs, Marlene did the same.

Two drops of iridescent venom fell from Serpentissima’s fangs to the floor. Tiny, winding columns of greenish-white smoke rose up from where her venom ate into the stone.

Whoa. The gift of venom from her own fangs? Pat gaped for a moment, disbelieving. Serpentissima had always been extremely sparing with that particular gesture — not many opponents were sufficiently worthy in her eyes.

But the twin wisps of smoke were still rising, and his mother’s bared fangs glinted as her hair flared out like a serpent’s crest.

A warm glow seized Pat’s chest, making him grin ridiculously. See, everything was working out, just as he’d always known it would! Or, okay, maybe not
known
exactly, but —

“Thank you, Dread Serpent,” said Nick, after a noticeable pause. The
I think
went unsaid, but was clearly audible even so.

Pat bounded out into the middle of the cavern. There was no way he could contain his burgeoning excitement any longer. “So you’re done fighting now, right? I mean, you should be. It’d be totally stupid if you kept on fighting for no reason, or because of some stupid challenger and superhero thing or whatever.” Two separate incinerating gazes hit him in the same instant, but he was used to not going up in flames by now and just waved his hands, a little wildly. “Come on, dudes. Okay, yeah, maybe I should have said something earlier, but I did try. Or I would have tried, if there’d been more time and stuff. I mean — it’s not — just. Come on.”

Maybe he should have planned this speech ahead of time… a little, at least. It was fine, though. He was pretty sure he’d gotten the important things. Captured the essence, as it were.

Serpentissima threw Pat a malevolent scarlet glare, but spared him no more than a moment before returning her attention to Nick. “My son will be stepping down as Slut Leader after today, Silver Paladin.”

“What the hell?” Pat was so not stepping down as Slut Leader. He’d been doing a stellar job, if he did say so himself, and his Sluts were awesome. No way was he abandoning them now, when they’d just started to gel into a real team. “Why would you even say that? I’m a great Slut!”

But his indignant protest went unheard; his mom talked right over him, as though he wasn’t even there. “This means there will be an attractive job opening for a young man with qualifications you certainly appear to possess. However, should you wish for a more challenging position, as I suspect you do, I am willing to rearrange my command structure. I can make room for another lieutenant, right at the top executive level.”

It was impossible to catch much of Silver Paladin’s expression through his visor and the distortion of his force fields, but Pat didn’t need to see it in order to picture it perfectly. He hoped that his own interpretation of ‘complete befuddlement’ was slightly less reminiscent of a stunned trout.

“To clarify,” Nick said at last. “Do I understand correctly that you are tempting me to defect to the side of evil by offering me a job?”

“You needn’t make it sound like a paltry offer.” Serpentissima’s hair writhed testily. “But I suppose it was too much to hope for that you would be reasonable. You have, after all, chosen to take up with my son.”

Wow, harsh. Pat threw his mom a look of hurt reproach, but she was pretending not to know he existed. Which was actually fair enough, he guessed, given his own low blow a bit earlier. Mom had never believed in taking a hit without handing it right back, with interest.

“I am honored by your offer, Dread Serpent, but I’m afraid I must decline,” said Nick. He sounded hilariously stiff and formal. Pat wanted to tease him about it — wanted to catch his gaze and smirk obnoxiously, to get a half exasperated, half reluctantly amused roll of the eyes in return. Nick was still all wrapped up in Silver Paladin, though. Judging by the brief tilt of the visor, he only shot the shortest of glances Pat’s way, in any case. “However, should you wish to abandon your life of infamy and work to redress the many wrongs you have done, there might eventually be a place for you in the Hero Corps.”

It was Pat’s turn to roll his eyes, even if only his Serpent Sluts were watching him do it. Hoagies, man. Like their lame little club was any kind of an option for a self-respecting challenger.

Serpentissima stared at Nick. Then, she stopped and stared at Pat instead. Nick turned his visored face to stare at Pat for a moment, too, only to then turn back to Serpentissima. For his part, Pat had no idea whom to stare at, or what was going on with all the back and forth. It was like a totally ridiculous three-way tennis match played entirely with glances.

“You will excuse me for a minute, Silver Paladin,” the Dread Serpent said after another moment. Hints of hisses sparked off the sharp edges of her tone.

Pat had a fraction of a second to be surprised at the ongoing politeness in the face of extreme provocation — namely, being offered a place in the Corny Corps — before his mother stooped low to grab him and all but carry him over to the far side of the cavern, all the way past the darkly glowering Captain Cool and Pat’s crystallized and yarn-wrapped sisters.

The Sluts were watching with rapt attention, as though this was the best show they had ever seen. It probably was. Pat was proud to see that except for Tom, who was guarding Cap Cool, each of his Sluts had chosen a good spot on the ground on which to recline in languid indolence, lazily stretching their toned bodies. None of them gleamed anymore, and most were slightly bedraggled and/or streaked with dust, soot, and various other non-glamorous adornments, but they were giving it the good old college try anyway.

As Mom dragged him past, Pat twisted in her grip so he could grin at them and give them a thumbs up, showing them that their professionalism and dedication were appreciated.

Stepping down as Slut Leader, yeah right. Not happening, no way, no how. He wasn’t Serpentissima’s son for nothing; he could be stubborn with the best. Olympic grade pig-headedness, that was Pat.

Mom let him go when they were at the far side of the cavern. Pat waited as she took in a deep breath and laced her fingers together in front of her chest. The familiar tingle of gathering energy made Pat sneeze; he was glad it took only a second or two before Serpentissima flicked her fingers outward. Her eyes flashed electric green as the Veil established itself around the two of them — a shimmering privacy curtain of arcane energy.

“You should have told me what you were about, you chucklehead,” she hissed at him. The word ‘chucklehead’ sounded super weird when touched with the suggestion of malicious, slithering echoes.

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Not true, not even a little bit, but Pat made his eyes wide and sad to make up for the transparent lie, blinking up at his mom soulfully. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I guess I was scared that you wouldn’t approve, and —”

Her narrow look cut him off mid-justification. “Taking over the world requires planning and perfect coordination, Patrick. I can’t have minions throwing a mongoose into the nest whenever they take an idea into their heads. That is the quickest way to bite yourself in the foot.”

Okay, slightly weird tangent (not to mention seriously mixed metaphors), but Pat wasn’t stupid. This was a time to agree meekly, not ask for clarification. He kept silent and nodded repentantly, blinking again for good measure.

“Never act on your own authority again. You always come to me first to ask my permission. Always. Do you understand?”

Pat nodded some more, all pliant and obedient. He didn’t really get the point of promising something so absurd — like he was ever actually going to ask his mom’s permission to date someone? or sleep with someone, or impersonate a hooker for them or whatever? —, but hey. You did what you had to do.

There was a pause as Serpentissima regarded him with the weirdest expression — an odd blend of pride and regret. “You were right not to ask permission for this, of course. Had you come to me, I would not have approved… and it would have been wrong of me. But I am not only a challenger. Before that, I am a mother, and you are my littlest snakelet.” She sighed deeply, shaking her head. A bittersweet smile tugged at her mouth. “Sometimes I forget that you are no longer the wide-eyed hatchling who insisted I leave a light on at night so the hoagies wouldn’t get you. But I shall forget no longer, and so I say this: Excellent work, Patrick, my darling grown-up snakeling. I am proud of you, and I admire your gift for cunning and deception.”

Her hair was fretting at itself, individual locks twisting around each other. Pat had never seen it do that before. It distracted him enough that when she began to speak again, it took several seconds for the meaning of her words to filter through to his brain. “Time flies by so quickly. Only yesterday you were the tiniest, most cutely dappled of eggs… and today you’re all grown up and seducing the foremost hoagies of your generation to our side.”

Pat’s startled jerk went unnoticed. His mother was watching Nick hover in the air with his arms crossed and his shoulders squared, radiating an aggressive heroism that (to Pat) spoke clearly of his uncertainty.

Maybe Serpentissima saw it, too, and deemed it an opportunity too good to be missed. Or maybe she’d simply had enough of being sentimental. Whatever the reason, she shook her head in her habitual impatient manner, dismissing all distractions. When she leaned down to put a firm hand on Pat’s shoulder, no trace of nostalgia remained in her expression; she was all challenger, fierce as the ancient statues of lost gods. “You have hooked him with your wiles, my son. Now, it is imperative that you keep him happy and interested while we draw him gradually further in. Ask your Serpent Sluts to teach you some tricks.”

“Mom!” Pat sounded scandalized, probably because he was. Usually he’d have been embarrassed about that, but right now it was pretty much the only option. “That’s not — I haven’t hooked him. I mean, it’s not like that. I’m not involved with him because — just, I
like
him, okay? That’s why I’m seeing him. I like him, period. No wiles here, nothing to see, move along.”

Serpentissima chuckled evilly as she pulled him into a headlock. It was the affectionate kind, complete with friendly cuddling and ruffling of hair. “Ah, there’s my sweet, naive little hatchling. Of course you like him, Patpat. That’s the best part! Silver Paladin is not such a fool as to fall for a lie or an obvious scheme. Subconscious cunning is the most dangerous kind of all.”

Subconscious cunning, seriously? “That’s not even a real thing!” Pat sputtered.

“How would you know?”

There was no good way to answer that, so Pat gaped at his mother while she grinned smugly. Even when her features smoothed into cool haughtiness as she rose to her full height, snapping her fingers to dismiss the Veil, the smugness lurked on in the corners of her mouth and the glint of her eye.