I leaned over to touch the necklace he never took off; the necklace that had our quote inscribed on it. "I don't want to share
Great Expectations
with anyone but you. Let's keep it between us. Why don't we name the yacht something that we won't have to explain to people?"
I could see him chew over my words before giving me that glorious dimpled smile.
"I like that … I agree. I don't want anyone knowing about our love affair with Pip and Estella. No one knows me like you do and I like it that way. Sometimes I can't believe I found you. I can't even think about my life without you and Rose in it."
We ended up naming the vessel
La Vie en Rose
, which means
my life through pink- colored lenses
. But to Louis and I it meant our life through my nana and our baby. It was a small dedication to the wonderful roses who'd blessed our lives.
Once our yacht was ready for sailing we spent a whole week cruising from one Caribbean island to the next in our new extravagant toy. My parents stayed with baby Rose at home while we went off on a romantic getaway.
"I can't believe you know how to sail this monstrosity. Shouldn't there be a qualified captain?"
"Do you not trust your husband to get us to our next destination, little girl?" I hated when he did that. Always joking around, answering a question with another question. This was not the boardroom; we were not negotiating a deal.
"Louis, can't you ever answer a question rather than turn it all around and make me seem like an ungrateful, stupid kid?"
"Em, what the fuck? I was kidding around with you, why are you getting all bitchy on me? I just wanted to play with our new toy for a little bit before I give it over to Franco in St. Bart's to navigate for the rest of the trip. I took courses for this. I'm trying to impress you little girl, not piss you off."
"I'm sorry, Louis. I've just been freaking out about Jenna. She had another miscarriage. My mom told me this morning. I feel enormously guilty that we have a beautiful little baby and Jenna and Mike have been married longer than we have and are having tons of problems. They would make amazing parents. It's just not fair."
I started crying, trying to imagine how empty our life would be without our beautiful baby girl. Every time I looked into her little chubby face I could see my husband, and I fell in love with her and him all over again. We had a great life before having Rose, but our bond became much stronger once we became parents. I really wanted that for my sister and Mike. Louis walked over to where I was leaning on the rail and wrapped his arms around me.
"Mike told me last night about the miscarriage. I didn't tell you because I thought Jenna would."
Louis always knew shit about my family before I did. I gave him the look. He knows this look. It's the
why didn't you tell me?
look. I was sure I was about to hear an explanation of why Mike could tell his best friend about his wife's miscarriage, and yet I was probably the last to know, as always.
"Jen knew we were going away and she probably didn't want to ruin our trip. Don't be sad, baby. Their time will come. I know how lucky we are for having Rose. But I'm sure Jenna wouldn't want you feeling guilty for having her beautiful little niece. They love her and I'm hopeful that they'll have their own baby one day soon. We should ask Nana to help them out."
"So besides being handsome, sexy, and smart you also always know what the perfect thing to stay to me is when I'm being a total bitch?"
"You forgot to mention that I'm a sex god … I also happen to know what the perfect thing to do to you when you're being a total hot bitch."
Only he could make me forget about the world around us. We kissed each other passionately for a few minutes before Louis remembered he was supposed to be the captain.
"Em, will you look down on me if I tell you I'm ready to retire as the naval captain of this vessel and resume my obligations as your little pussy whipped sex slave?"
"There is nothing little about you baby … and you're too tall for me to look down at. As for the pussy whipping I'm more into sucking than flogging."
He liked me being playful and sassy. Louis lifted me off my feet and swung me over his shoulders, swatting my ass before I could get away. He knew exactly how to cheer me up.
"I'm glad you mentioned sucking. I know just the perfect thing."
"I married a sex maniac," I groaned and tried unsuccessfully to escape.
"Don't pretend you don't love it, little girl."
"Louis, who's sailing the boat?"
"Franco … I quit."
After that Louis never tried to sail our yacht sans captain again. He decided it was too much responsibility. Our master bedroom on the
La vie en Rose
was bigger than most hotel suits so we could stay in bed and at sea for days.
I called Jenna the next day giving her a chance to tell me herself about her latest miscarriage. This was number three.
"How's our little angel—a.k.a. home grown terrorist?" I asked Jen playfully when she picked up the phone at my parents' house. We'd set up my old room as Rose's new sleep over room at my parents' house. She had everything there; her crib, toys, and clothes. She loved spending time with my parents. My mom and dad melted at the sight of their only granddaughter. My mom kept telling me that Rose was my carbon copy.
"Stop, Emmy, she really is an angel. I don't know what kind of voodoo you spin at home but the kid goes to sleep at seven, like magic. Before we even leave the room she's out like a light."
I smiled, thinking back to how her behavior came to be. I'd read a book one of the nurses had recommended. It was almost like a recipe book for training and house breaking babies. People don't give babies enough credit. You can't let their minuscule size fool you. They are way smarter than we think. If we don't train them they will train us to rock them, walk them all day and night. I had to fight Louis and my mom off the first couple of months. Every time Rose would make a peep they would run over to try and make her stop crying by picking her up. I went all Nazi Mama on them and refused to let them near the baby or pick her up when she randomly cried. If she was fed and changed, it was time for her to sleep. I struggled at first, getting dirty looks from everyone. But now my husband worshiped at my altar every night when he put his little munchkin down after we bathed and fed her. Louis puts her down at seven o'clock every evening and gets a full night's rest before she wakes us up at seven o'clock the next morning. No magic involved. Sara once told me if she ever found a dude to marry and have his babies, that I'm training them for her. Mike also said he'll be signing his babies up for The Emily Bruel Training Camp.
"So what's going on with you? All is well?" I was trying to sound as clueless as possible and to give Jenna a chance to tell me herself. I didn't do such a good job.
"Oh for God's sake, don't pretend to be stupid. I'm sure either Louis, Mom, or Mike told you about my useless uterus."
"Jen, it's not about someone telling me. You're my sister; why wouldn't I be the person you tell after Mike? Why does Louis know something incredibly intimate before your own sister? I feel like you hate me Jenna. I even feel guilty for having Rose. It's like you resent me for being able to have a baby."
I could hear Jenna crying on the other end of the line. What's wrong with me? She just had another miscarriage and I was upset at her for not telling me first. I'm a fucking toddler.
"JenJen. Fuck … I'm sorry. That was stupid and selfish. I don't know why I just said all that shit to you. This must be horrible for you guys. I'm sorry I can't be there for you the way you need me to. I'm sorry I don't know how to make it better."
We were now both crying on the phone. I was hiding in the master bathroom with the shower running so at least Louis wouldn't hear how childish I was being.
"Emmy, I didn't tell you because I'm embarrassed. I'm a woman; this is my job and I can't seem to get it right. If I could, I wouldn't tell anybody, Mike included. I just want to cry myself to sleep. I look at Mike holding and playing with Rosy and I want more then anything to give him a baby. Emmy, what if I'll never be able to give him that? What kind of worthless woman did he get himself?"
"How could you say that? Mike loves you so much. I have been reading your love story ever since I could remember. You guys will have a baby—if not naturally, then you'll adopt or find a surrogate. Don't ever call yourself worthless, Jenna. You are my sister and my role model. I love you and whatever is happening is not your fault. You can't blame yourself."
"Thank you, Emmy. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to ruin your first romantic getaway on the love boat. I'm sure you guys have already christened every inch of that cruise ship you call a yacht. Mike told me Louis has been preparing some new moves for you."
We both snorted at that comment.
"I hope he hasn't been practicing those new moves on someone else."
"Emmy, don't worry. I'd rip his dick off if he ever tried."
"Promise?"
"You know I'd do anything for you little sis … including castrate your cheating husband if need be."
The good, the bad and the sad...
W
hen Rose was five, I gave birth to our little boy. We kept the sex of the baby a surprise this time. When Dr. Naderman told Louis,
Mr. Bruel, congratulations you have a son,
I thought he would faint. I was holding our baby boy in my arms. I was amazed at how we managed to clone Louis into a 7lbs 3oz and 20-inch long baby. The only difference between Louis and his son was that the baby had my aqua-colored eyes.
"Louis I'd like to name him Eric in honor of your dad and have my grandpa's name Nathan as his middle name…"
Kissing his son's little head, Louis nodded with tears in his eyes. "Thank you, my love. That would be perfect, just like my son."
I couldn't ask for a better father for our kids. Louis was the most amazing parent anyone could wish for. His whole life revolved around the kids and I. Our life was pretty wonderful and I always made sure to take a moment and thank whoever was looking out for us.
You couldn't have the good without enduring some bad. Unfortunately, I recall some low points, too; the worst being when Louis' mom, Elizabeth, was diagnosed with breast cancer. Rose was almost six years old and Eric was eight months. It was the first time since we got engaged that we spent a night apart from each other. Elizabeth had no one but her son and I couldn't blame him for wanting to spend every minute with her. Louis was by her side and got her the best possible care.
He came home one night after not seeing the kids and me for two days. His mom was going through a treatment of chemotherapy and he had stayed by her side 24/7. I remember looking at him and thinking that he'd aged ten years in two days. My defeated husband walked over to me and buried his face in my neck. He just stood there breathing me in.
"How's your mom, baby?"
He started sobbing into my neck. I'm sure he was strong for Elizabeth and didn't shed one tear in her presence, but he needed to let it out. Elizabeth had to get through this; her son needed her. She had no idea how many specialists Louis flew in from across the country to make sure she got the latest and best cancer care money could buy.
"Do you want me to spend the night with your mom tonight and you can sleep at home with the kids?" I asked, knowing he needed someone to take the burden off him, even for a little bit.
"I can't be away from you another night. Could your parents come to stay with the kids and you'll sleep with me at the hospital?"
"Louis, it's too last minute for my parents to change their work schedule and Jen and Mike are away until next week, but I can call Sara. She'll stay over."
"Okay … I need to go kiss my babies."
Seeing this bigger-than-life beautiful man deflated and dejected was pure anguish.
We spent the next two weeks in the hospital with Louis' mom. I slept by his side every night and came home first thing in the morning to be there before the kids got up. Only Louis Bruel could've arranged for us, including his mother, to have a private suite at the hospital.
Thank God for my best friend. Sara was a lifesaver and stayed at our house the whole time. We had a full staff but I always wanted a family member to be there when we didn't sleep at home.
Sara and I were having breakfast, just the two of us, one morning. I had just come back from the hospital when she sprung some very disturbing news on me.
"I'm moving to London next month."
I just looked at her. I was going to let her continue before I'd start ripping into her. I knew it wasn't just because she loved London. She loved New York more.
"I can't be around him and his family anymore. Every time we're together I feel like this is it … I feel like he loves me and will choose me. But then after we fuck he leaves and goes back home to her. Sex is not love. He fucks me and I think he loves me … isn't that grand?"
I was still silent. That was the most she'd said to me about her and Jeffery in the last six years. She'd been dating random men but I had this feeling deep down inside she was making sure she was unattached, ensuring that she'd be available for that cheating scumbag.
"Do you love him?" I asked, which was a dumb question. Obviously, she loved him. I just had to hear her say it. She smirked at my question.
"I love me more," she answered.
Good, maybe there was hope.
"Why are you going to London? Just tell him to leave you alone. Tell him you'll tell Eddie if he doesn't leave you the fuck alone. Do you think his wife knows? Better yet, tell him you'll tell me and I'll tell Louis and Louis will ruin him and his law firm."
Sara always enjoyed when I got myself all worked up. She laughed at me and said, "Frankie Goes to Hollywood says
Relax
…" She knew how to diffuse my anger with jokes.
"
Tainted Love
by Soft Cell is calling your name, Sara," I answered her back. This was us. When shit hit the fan we went super ‘80s. It's how Sara and I always dealt with life.