Authors: Ruth Logan Herne
But now, as ever, her manner was aloof, reserved and cool.
Time to go.
“So, the bunkhouse?” Tanner asked Monty.
“It's all fixed up. Do you want me to bring you there? It's not locked.”
“I'll be fine.”
“I'll come over with clean sheets for the bed,” Alice said, getting up from her chair.
“Just tell me where they are. I can make a bed.” She was the one who had taught him, after all.
“Of course. I'll get them for you.”
She left and Tanner caught Ellen watching him, the neck and chest brace supporting her head giving her a vulnerable look. “We've missed you, Tanner. I'm glad you're staying here.” Her voice, sounding so strained created an extra poignancy.
“I'm glad I'm back, too,” he said quietly, though staying on the ranch with Keira so close by was not how he had envisioned his temporary stay.
His mother came back with a stack of sheets and some towels. “I gave you extra. Just in case.”
Tanner gave her a tight nod, then took a step back. “I better get myself set up.”
“And we'll see you for supper tonight?”
Resistance rose up again but the expectant looks on Monty's and Ellen's faces quashed it. Surely he could manage this for these dear people, who had been such a part of his life so long?
“Sure. What time?”
“Come at six.”
He gave them another smile, glanced over at his mother, who stood with her arms crossed, her stolid expression making him wonder if he had imagined that momentary bond.
A few moments later he was walking toward his truck, his breath creating clouds of fog in the chill winter air. He stopped at the truck, dug his keys out of his pocket one-handed and caught a movement from the saddle shop.
Keira stood in the doorway and his heart pounded doubletime in his chest. For a moment his thoughts drifted back to times he would help her in the shop, then go out for a ride in the hills. He watched her a moment, but he could see her eyes weren't on him. They were on the mountains just beyond the edges of Refuge Ranch.
Her arms were wrapped around her midsection. Then, to his surprise, he saw her hand swipe at her cheeks.
As if she were crying.
* * *
“Excellent meal, Ellen,” Tanner said as he set his knife and fork on his plate and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “I haven't had a good Angus steak for ages.”
“I'm glad you could be here to share it with us,” Monty replied, taking another bite.
“Keira made supper,” Ellen said, taking a careful sip of the smoothie Alice had concocted for her. “She's learned to cook.”
“That's a surprise,” Tanner said, glancing over at Keira. “I didn't think you enjoyed cooking.”
Keira managed a half smile at his attempt to engage her in conversation, then looked back down at the steamed vegetables she'd spent the past ten minutes pushing around her plate. She knew what Tanner was thinking. Ever since she was a young girl she would try to find a way to get out of any kind of kitchen duty. Ellen and Keira's sister, Heather, were the ones who cooked, baked, made jam and gardened.
Keira had always been more interested in tagging along behind her father, helping him in the shop and helping him and her brother, Lee, work the cows.
“I've learned a few other skills lately,” she said, stabbing a piece of cauliflower with her fork.
“I can see that,” Tanner said.
She wanted to look at him but chose to keep her attention on the plate in front of her.
Keira, her parents, Alice and Tanner were gathered around the large table that filled the dining area tucked away in one corner of the large open main floor. The lights around them were turned low, a fire crackled and popped in the stone fireplace. Curtains were drawn across the windows, creating a peaceful and cozy ambience.
But for Keira the meal had been an ordeal. Tanner had ended up sitting across from her, and every time she looked up she caught him watching her, then giving her a faintly mocking smile.
Tanner had always been someone who deflected with sarcasm and could put on a cynical facade with people he didn't care for.
But he'd never been that way with her. Which was why his half smile and slightly hooded eyes created not only a deep discomfort but also a pain that she felt she had no right to experience.
“It's been a long time since I enjoyed a meal here,” Tanner said, turning his attention back to Monty and Ellen. “Actually it's been a long time since I had a home-cooked meal, period.”
“I know how you feel,” Ellen said, setting her smoothie down. “I'll be so happy to be off this liquid diet and sink my teeth into a juicy steak or pork chop soon.”
Monty patted her lightly on the arm. “Patience is a virtue,” he said with a smile.
“Spoken by the man who just finished an eight ounce sirloin,” Ellen returned with a fake glower. “But I should be thankful for small mercies. Only ten more weeks, four days and twenty hours till this thing comes off.”
“Not that you're counting,” Tanner said with a grin.
“Can you tell she's a bit testy?” Monty asked. He glanced over at Keira. “Honey, are you feeling okay? You've hardly eaten anything.”
“I'm not hundred percent,” was her vague reply. Which was the truth. Ever since Tanner had come into the shop, she felt as if her emotions had been tossed over like a bucket of nails she didn't know how to gather up again.
She took a bite of her now cold cauliflower, choked it down and decided to give up on eating altogether.
“Is everyone done?” she asked, glancing around the table as she reached for the bowl of potatoes.
“What's the rush?” Monty asked, stopping her by placing his hand on her arm. “We can sit awhile.”
“No rush. Just want to get this cleared off,” Keira said. “I want to get back to the shop to finish up a few things before tomorrow.”
Her father held her gaze, a faint frown wrinkling his forehead as if trying to see into her mind.
Tanner wasn't the only one who didn't know all the reasons she had left Saddlebank all those years ago. Though she had kept in touch with her parents, she had never answered all their questions about her and Tanner's broken engagement. Her mother and father had dropped some gentle hints, but for the most part they had never probed too deeply.
“If you want to go out to the shop, I can take care of the dishes,” Monty said. He got up but suddenly his cell phone beeped. He glanced at it, then emitted a huge sigh.
“Everything okay?” Ellen asked.
Monty shook his head. “Not really. Giesbrook just called John. He wants those heifers delivered tomorrow.”
“You have to go all the way to Missoula on Sunday?” Keira asked, suddenly concerned.
“Not until later on in the day. I'd like to get some work done on the saddle, but I won't be able to finish it.” He gave her an apologetic look. “Do you mind finishing it up for me?”
Keira glared at her father. She did mind and he knew it. If she didn't know better, she would have guessed he'd engineered this particular change in plans. But what else could she say with Tanner right there? So she nodded and started stacking the plates.
“I told you I'd do that, honey,” Monty said.
“No, you can't,” Ellen protested. “You promised me and Alice a game of Scrabble after dinner.” Ellen glanced over at Tanner. “Tanner, do you mind helping Keira?”
“Never been too proud to do dishes,” Tanner said, getting to his feet, giving Keira a careful smile. But from the tightness of Tanner's lips she guessed he was as unwilling to be around her as she was around him.
They cleared the dishes as Ellen, Monty and Alice retreated to a corner of the living room that held the game table. Monty held Ellen's arm, guiding her awkward steps, but they made it to the table without mishap.
“Your mom seems frustrated,” Tanner said as they brought the dishes to the kitchen. “Not like her usual bubbly self.”
“She's fragile and can't do much for herself, but she hasn't complained yet.” Keira stacked the plates by the sink and started cleaning them.
“I'm sure having Alice around helps a lot.”
“She's helpful. Of course, part of the reason she's here is because of her house getting fixed up.”
“I thought Alice was here to help your mother,” Tanner responded.
“She is, but she doesn't need to be here 24/7.” She didn't mind Alice, but having her around day and night was tiring.
She busied herself with scraping the leftover food off the plates. Tanner left to get more dishes and she took a deep breath, chiding herself for being such a wimp around him. Goodness, it had been years since they had seen each other. Surely she could get over this?
Tanner returned to the kitchen, and over the clink of cutlery and the swish of water over the plates, the only other sound was the muted laughter from Monty, Ellen and Alice playing Scrabble in the other room.
Keira reached for a plate just as Tanner did, and when their hands brushed, Keira jumped. She dropped the plate the same time he did and it clattered to the floor, shattering on the slate tile.
“Sorry.”
“My fault.”
They both spoke at once, both knelt at once and both tried to pick up the broken pieces at the same time.
Flustered, Keira grabbed blindly at a shard, which immediately cut into her hand. She yanked it back as blood dripped onto the floor.
“Here, let me help you with that,” Tanner said, catching her hand to hold it still.
She tried to pull back, which only made the blood flow more freely. “I can take care of this.” She didn't want him touching her. Didn't want him so close to her.
“Hold still,” Tanner said, frowning as they both stood up. “Where's your first-aid kit?”
“It's nothing. Just a small cut.” She tried once again to pull her hand free but she had forgotten how strong and stubborn he could be.
Tanner's mouth thinned into a grim line. “Just tell me where the bandages are,” he growled.
“Is everything okay in there?” Keira heard her father call out.
“Just fine,” Tanner yelled back. Then he turned to Keira, grabbed a towel and wrapped it tightly around her hand. He made her sit down at the small table in the breakfast nook. “Now. Bandages?”
“There's a first-aid kit in the bottom drawer of the island. Far left side.”
“Good girl.” He strode to the island, retrieved the kit, then brought it back to the table. He opened it, then found what he needed.
“Give me your hand,” he said, his voice now quiet as he ripped open a bandage.
Keira tamped down her reaction and held her hand out to him. He knelt down in front of her, carefully removed the towel, dabbed at the cut as he examined it. “You won't need stitches,” he said as he quickly wrapped a bandage around the wound. “But you'll need at least two bandages.”
Keira tried to distract herself from his large hands gently maneuvering the second bandage onto her cut. She felt the calluses on his palms, caught the familiar scent of the aftershave he used, the smell of the shampoo in his hair. The overhead light shone on his hair, bringing out a faint sheen of gold in the brown, and Keira found she had to make a fist of her free hand to stop herself from reaching up and smoothing it away from his face.
The way she always used to.
Just then he looked up and their eyes met. Held.
His expression softened. She couldn't look away and for a moment it was as if all the years between them, all the events that kept them apart, had been erased.
“Is everything okay?”
Alice stood in the doorway of the kitchen, her arms folded over her chest.
And her presence brought stark reality back into the moment.
“I...I cut myself,” Keira murmured, pulling her hand out of Tanner's.
“Oh, my. Here, let me help you,” Alice said, skirting the broken dish to get to Keira.
“It's fine now,” Keira said, tucking her hand against her side as she got up. “Just a cut. Tanner bandaged it up.” She was about to walk back to finish the dishes when Alice stopped her.
“Why don't you take my place at the Scrabble game?” Alice said. “Tanner and I can finish up.”
“Sure. That's a good idea,” she said, thankful for the reprieve.
But as she walked past Tanner, she caught his cynical smile, firmly back in place.
She paused just outside the kitchen, where neither Alice and Tanner nor her parents could see her. She took a moment, leaning against the wall, trying to get her bearings.
A little help here, Lord,
she prayed, willing her tangled emotions to find the peace and equilibrium she had managed to attain before Tanner had dropped back into her life.
All she had to do was get through the next few days, she reminded herself as she pinned a smile on her face and walked out to where her parents sat by the table. Dad will get the saddle fixed and Tannerâand all the memories and pain he evokedâcould be out of her life. Soon.
Chapter Three
T
he last time he'd been in this church building was for David's funeral.
Tanner stood in the back of the foyer of the Saddlebank Community Church, looking over the gathered people, painful memories leaning into him. He pushed away his sorrow as he thought of his father and his brother, both now buried in the graveyard beside the church. For a moment he wished he hadn't come, but lately he had felt the old hunger for his faith gnawing at him.
He'd arranged to meet George Bamford, owner of the Grill and Chill, about a place he could stay while he waited for his saddle to get fixed. There was no way he was staying at Refuge Ranch another night.
So he had two reasons to come to church this morning.
“Welcome to our services.” An earnest-looking young man wearing a skinny black tie and mustard-yellow shirt with a badge that said Usher handed him a bulletin and added a broad smile. Tanner didn't recognize him. “Are you visiting?”
“In a manner of speaking, yeah,” Tanner said, taking the bulletin.
“Let me find you a place to sit,” the young man said, spinning around and starting down the center aisle, giving Tanner no choice but to follow him.
He stopped at the end of a pew and waved at Tanner, who gave him a quick smile and was about to sit down when he froze.
Keira had just walked in, and was moving into the same pew, sitting down beside Brooke, her old friend.
He couldn't sit here.
He was about to move on to another empty spot in the opposite pew when Keira looked over at him. It would look too strange if he moved now, so he settled into the pew. But he couldn't help a surprised look at what Keira wore.
Her long-sleeved black T-shirt and pants, and stark ponytail were a far cry from the bright colors, swirly skirts, dresses and done-up hair that she used to favor. Many a Sunday morning he would come to Refuge Ranch to pick up Keira for church. He'd always had to wait as Keira and her sister, Heather, chose their makeup, clothing and jewelry.
Today she looked as if she didn't want to draw attention to herself. As if she were trying to hide.
He shot her another glance, surprised to find her looking at him. Then a flush colored her cheeks and she looked quickly away, turning back to Brooke. But her friend was leaning past her, looking at Tanner, the faint frown on her face telegraphing her disapproval of his presence there.
For a moment he regretted coming. But he pulled in a breath, ignoring both of them and looking at the front of the church, centering himself. He was here to worship. He shouldn't care what Keira or her friend Brooke thought.
The worship team was assembling at the front, another surprise for Tanner. For as long as he could remember, Laura McCauley had played the old organ, coaxing maximum volume for her favorite hymns, making it barely wheeze for the songs she didn't care for. In fact, she had played for David's funeral, a long, steady requiem of mournful songs that had served only to make Tanner even more depressed.
But this group started a lively song that got Tanner's toe tapping though he didn't recognize the song they were playing.
Halfway through the first song he felt a nudge on his shoulder.
“You're in my spot, young man.”
He looked up, puzzled, then repressed a grin.
Keith McCauley glared down at him, his mustache quivering over tightly pursed lips.
He had forgotten that Mr. McCauley had always sat here. His three daughters always took up the space between him and Keira. But that was many years ago.
“So. You're back,” Keith said, his frown easing as he recognized Tanner. “You don't usually sit here.”
Tanner shook his head as he moved over to give Keith room yet still preserve some space between him and Keira. “No. Me and my family always sat in the back.”
Keith dropped into the pew beside him and let out a mournful sigh. Keith always had an air of long-suffering, which, Tanner suspected, had as much to do with his estranged daughters as it had with the arthritis he knew had been bothering the man as long as Tanner could remember. “So what you been doing since you left Saddlebank?” Mr. McCauley asked him.
“Been busy with work,” Tanner said with a polite smile. He knew his sudden appearance after a two-year absence would engender commentary, welcome or not.
“You sound like my daughters,” Keith grumped, tugging a folded-up bulletin out of the pocket of his shirt. “They're always busy, too. Too busy to see their dad. After all I've done for them, all the sacrifices I made.”
Tanner kept his smile in place, fully understanding why Lauren, Jodie and Erin had stayed away from the ranch and their father. Keith and Tanner's stepmother, Alice, would have made a good pair. Both intent on letting their offspring know exactly how much they were owed and not letting them forget it.
Tanner folded his arms over his chest as the music group began another song. The song wasn't familiar to him and he felt a moment of irritation. He had hoped to find some comfort in the familiarity of the church service. He focused on the words of the song the group was singing, flashed on a screen at the front.
“My refuge, my fortress, sanctuary to me. My God, my father, my eternity.” Tanner let the words wash over him, realizing that of all the relationships in his life, all of the changes and losses, God had always been there, waiting.
Forgive me, Lord,
he prayed, and made himself concentrate on the service. The group was finished playing, and Pastor Dykstra, a young man with a beaming smile, came to the front. He looked over the congregation and welcomed everyone, then encouraged the congregation to welcome the people around them with a handshake and a smile.
Tanner turned to Keith first but only received a cursory nod. The man had his arms folded tightly across his chest, the black look on his face clearly showing his feelings about this new development.
“Don't care for all that hand shaking or these new songs,” he grumped. “My aunt should be playing the organ, not these young kids who don't know the first thing about music.”
And welcome to the service to you, too,
thought Tanner, stifling a grin at Keith McCauley's attitude.
“Tanner Fortier, how wonderful to see you here,” Sadie Properzi, an middle-aged woman sitting in front of him, said, clasping his hand with both of hers, her warm demeanor the perfect antidote to Keith's ill temper. “We missed you.”
“Probably because I don't live here anymore,” Tanner said.
Sadie's smile slipped as if she understood why that was, but she recovered quickly and patted him on the arm. “That's too bad, of course.” Her eyes darted to Keira in silent question but Tanner wasn't drawn in. He looked behind him, but no one was sitting there, and then he had nowhere else to turn but to Keira. Should he hold out his hand? He was the guest. Should he welcome her or should he wait for her to talk?
So he simply nodded at her and went with, “Hello, Keira.”
Her response was a tight nod. “Welcome to the service,” she said, then looked straight ahead.
He looked at her a moment longer, fighting the same urge he'd felt every time he'd seen her the past couple of days. The urge to demand answers to questions that had tormented him for the past two years. Why hadn't she been willing to give him a second chance? Why had she ignored his phone calls?
Why hadn't she called him?
But from the determined set of her jaw and the quick frown thrown his way from Brooke, he knew he wouldn't be getting any answers in the near future.
He pulled in a long breath and hoped that George Bamford would be able to talk his buddy into letting Tanner stay at his place while he was here.
Refuge Ranch was certainly no refuge for him.
* * *
“I can't stay long,” Keira said to Brooke, as she glanced at the oversize clock hanging on the wall of the Grill and Chill behind her friend. “Alice said she wanted to visit a friend today and I promised I would make sure Mom had company.”
Brooke owned a hairdressing shop in town and though she and Keira saw each other regularly, Brooke had suggested they meet up for coffee.
But Keira's hopes for some quiet time were ruined the moment they stepped inside the bustling café. The tables were filled with chattering hockey moms and dads full of excitement for the game they had just played.
“So, what happened to your hand?” Brooke asked, pointing to the bandages that Keira still wore.
“Cut myself doing dishes yesterday,” Keira replied, feeling her cheeks flush as she relived the moment when Tanner bandaged up her finger.
Brooke leaned forward, her brown eyes bright with expectation as she toyed with the purple streak she had put in her hair a few days ago. “So? Tanner? How's that going for you? Is it hard to see him again? Has he missed you?”
She paused to let the barrage of questions linger, as if hoping Keira would answer one of them.
“So? George?” Keira parried, referencing the thirty-five-year-old bachelor owner of the Grill and Chill, who had held Brooke's heart for many years. Unfortunately Brooke didn't hold George's, a matter that had caused Brooke endless indecision.
“You and Tanner were engaged. You have history,” Brooke said, implying that she and George had far less than that. “You haven't seen him since you left Saddlebank. It's got to be hard to see him now.”
“He's part of my past. I've got my future to think of.”
“I saw how Tanner looked at you in church,” Brooke continued. “I think he still likes you.”
Keira clenched her fists against a sudden and unexpected pain. “Please, Brooke, can we stop talking about Tanner?” she asked, keeping her voice quiet, her tone neutral.
Brooke sighed and nodded, then glanced past Keira, her face lighting up. “Oh, my. Here he is.”
Groaning, Keira closed her eyes and prayed for strength, for patience and for the next few days to fly past.
Keira knew the moment Tanner stopped by their table. She had no choice but to look up at him. His head was bare; he tapped his worn cowboy hat against his leg. His cheeks still shone from his shave this morning and she saw a tiny nick on his chin. His white shirt was wrinkled but his blue jeans were brand-new. His gaze landed on Keira, his smile as forced as hers, the tension between them thick as syrup.
“Good to see you again, Tanner,” Brooke said in a falsely cheerful voice. “How do you like our new pastor?”
“He's good,” Tanner said, turning his attention to Brooke. “I appreciated his message and how he delivered it.”
Keira experienced a stab of jealousy at how his smile softened and grew more genuine when he looked at Brooke but tamped it as quickly as it came. She couldn't allow herself to want or need anything from Tanner.
“And I hear you're going to the NFR,” Brooke continued, switching topics with lightning speed, obviously ignoring Keira's faint nudges against her leg.
“Yeah. I had a good year.”
“So, what brings you to the Grill and Chill?” Keira finally asked, knowing her silence was creating a continued awkwardness.
“George here said he could hook me up with a friend who has a place to stay.”
Keira felt relief, with a surprising touch of regret.
“That's good,” Keira said with false heartiness. “I hope you find a place.”
“I thought you were staying at the Bannisters'?” Brooke asked.
Tanner's eyes slid from Keira's back to Brooke. “It's just easier if I don't. Alice is there already and I don't want to be a burden to anyone.”
“A burden,” Brooke scoffed. “Refuge Ranch was like your second home. Though I can see why you wouldn't hang around Alice. I still can't believe she hasn't offered you part of the ranch. She knows it only came to her because she married your dad.”
This netted her another nudge from Keira, which Brooke also ignored.
“Have you thought about hiring a lawyer?” she continued.
Another nudge. It was as though her friend was poking a stick around in a bear's den, determined to get a reaction from Tanner. Brooke knew as much about the history of Tanner and his stepmother as Keira did. Why was she pushing?
“It is what it is,” Tanner said quietly. “I can't spend too much time looking back over my shoulder. I have to look ahead.”
Keira heard an underlying tone in his voice and knew that in some oblique way he was referring to their old relationship.
“Are Monty and John still leaving today?” Tanner asked, glancing at Keira. “I offered to help load the heifers but they said they would be okay.”
“I think that's the plan,” Keira said. “Though Dad said he wanted to get some more work done on the saddle this morning before he left, which is why he didn't come to church.”
“When will Monty be back?”
She knew he was thinking about his saddle. “They're staying at Giesbrooks' tonight and coming back tomorrow.”
He nodded. “So will he get the saddle done on time, you think?”
“If he gets at it as soon as he comes back. How long can you stay?”
“I wanted to head back before Thursday.”
That meant he would be gone for Thanksgiving. She felt a touch of relief. It was hard enough that Lee and Heather weren't coming for Thanksgiving, having Tanner around would make the celebration that much harder.
“Hey, Tanner. What ill wind blew your restless self into town today?” George Bamford joined them, wiping his hands on a towel, his dark brown eyes flicking over the group. George was tall, lanky and favored plaid shirts, khaki pants and sneakers. He'd moved to Saddlebank ten years ago, bought the Grill and Chill and had been cooking up hamburgers and fries ever since.
“Nor'wester,” Tanner quipped.
“Nasty one. Though I hear there's a storm coming in from the north. Another one of those Canuck clippers that never bring anything good.”
“There's always a storm brewing in Montana in the winter,” Tanner returned. “So, you find a place for me to stay?”