Love Lost (Love's Improbable Possibility) (2 page)

I
gazed at myself in the mirror and thought about all of the endless possibilities of becoming O’s girl. The older girls would notice and respect me. My only problem was my mother. Hopefully hanging out with Ann down the hall would have an impression on her decisions concerning me dating a drug dealer.

Two hours later
, he was waiting downstairs right in front of the building, blasting some underground rap song from a ’88 money-green BMW. I knew it wasn’t his but he looked damn good in it. I looked around three times as if I was crossing the street to see who was watching.  I jumped in the car. O started laughing hard as hell. I grew more embarrassed by the second.

“What’s so funny?” I asked,
flaring attitude.

“Damn
, girl, you ran in this mother-fucka like you was dodging bullets or sum’ shit.”

I just smiled wanting him to hurry up. He took me to practice from that day on
, borrowing a crack-head’s car until he got up enough money for his own. He put it in his mother’s name because I was too young. From there on out the two of us were inseparable. O helped me transition to the next stage of my life. He bought me gold earrings, rings, necklaces, and bracelets with his name in them. He would even buy my little sister, Chyna, jewelry and clothes from baby G.A.P.  In his mind, I was his.

He didn’t pressure me for sex. Little did I know at the time, when he was pressed
for sex he had girls lined up for that. I was his good girl who never gave it up. Eventually we got to the point of touching and licking and he would go down on me every now and then, which I quickly learned to enjoy. He took me with him Uptown to flip. Bought me coats and shoes that I couldn’t explain to my mother, and by this time, my father moved out of the house. Akeem knew the deal. He felt as long as O didn’t hurt me he didn’t have to get involved. Plus, he helped take me of out the shell Akeem claimed I was in. Akeem thought I was a cornball until O snatched me up.

O taught me street slang
and how to protect myself on the streets. He helped me with my schoolwork when I had difficulties. He was a smart student as a kid. That science and math type of genius. He attempted a year at Ramapo College but couldn’t let go of the streets and ended up flunking out. He went right back to the same streets his mother had hoped he had been saved from.

For some reason Samantha adjusted to the idea of
O and me quickly. She had eventually began inviting him over for dinner, to my delight.
This is one of the advantages of my dad being gone
, I thought. I was a B+ student all throughout high school. I figured as long as I maintained good grades my mother wouldn’t mind my relationship with O.

Over the next year
, rumors started circulating about Samantha getting high. People would watch what they’d say around me out of respect for O. One day, when basketball season was over, I came home and mom wasn’t there. I dismissed my curiosities until I noticed my five-year-old sister there asleep. I had been there for over fifteen minutes before l had noticed. My head began to spin. I was not accustomed to my mother performing irresponsible acts like this.  I immediately called my confidant, O. He told me to calm down and not to think the worst; she’d be home soon. Strangely, twenty minutes after we hung up the phone mom came keying in the door. She ran into the bathroom to shower saying that she’d be out in a minute to start dinner. I didn’t know what to say so I said nothing.

Later on that evening
, the doorbell rang while I was in bed listening to music at a moderate volume. My mother answered the door and after hearing her mumble a few words I assumed the door was for her. A few seconds later, my bedroom door opened and my guest entered the door with a smile and flowers; it was O. He didn’t say much. I was so happy to see him all I could offer was a split face grin. He asked me how I was feeling about what had happened earlier. “I don’t know,” was all I could say.

August
, before my senior year in 2006, I’d just returned from Ohio, visiting relatives for almost the whole summer. The only way I could communicate with my first love was via letters and every once in a while a phone call when I spoke to my mother, he’d be there to speak to me. The day I came home, he surprised me at the airport along with Samantha and Chyna baring "
Welcome Home
" balloons along with a herringbone gold necklace.

It was clear that
O had missed me. He wanted to express that to me and I thought of a way to express it to him as well. All summer I had been planning to lose my virginity to O. He stood there with a powder blue oversized sweat suit on, a fresh haircut, sharp shape-up, with waves that looked as if they moved. His lips were full and moist. We embraced each other and waited for Samantha to turn her head to kiss. Chyna caught it and began to giggle.

Once we arrived home, I immediately spotted Keysha
and she ran up to me and bestowed a bear hug to show how much she, too, had missed me. She whispered in my ear, “Girl come back downstairs when you’re done unpacking. We need to talk.”   

My heart pumped fear. I’d heard lots of rumors of O cheating with other girls but he denied every accusation. I couldn’t prove it and figured that if he was messing around
, those whores knew I was his girlfriend and that made them look just as stupid as I did if not more, I didn’t know about them. I did just as Keysha asked and got right back downstairs.

“Girl, why O was up here hoe’ing while you was in Ohio?” Keysha announced.

My heart began to bleed.
“Oh, yeah? With who?”

I’d hoped Keysha didn’t see the sweat accumulating on my forehead.
Never let them see you sweat
was my mantra.

“That bitch LaTavia. I told you she wanted to be you,”

“How you know?”

“Tracey told me that Angie from Brownsville told her she saw ‘dem at the movies. And I saw ‘dem two dancing at Star’s party last week.”

“Word?” I responded.

“Word!”

“A’ight.” I walked away torn to pieces refusing to let it be known to my friend. I did what I would always do when upset. I walked to the park. Ann, my mother’s newfound friend, saw me and asked where I was going. I hissed, “The park,” and kept it moving.

I was at the park for about two hours. Many thoughts ran through my mind.
Why is he doing this to me? Just as soon as I decided to open up to him, he lets this happen. He’s supposed to be my best friend. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him. He knows that. If it’s about sex, why doesn’t he just ask or something? I can’t lose him, not now with my mom getting high and all. What is he going to do when it’s time for us to go?

I just sat there and thought very hard and long. O
and I had been making plans to move out of Jersey when I graduated from high school. Wherever I went to college, he would follow and we would get away. I eventually came to the conclusion that if I wanted O to take me serious I had to start behaving like an adult. All my girls were doing it. Why wasn’t I? Was it because I didn’t want to disappoint my faith? Well my faith had disappointed me by allowing my father to leave without formally saying goodbye. It had seen my mom smoke crack and did nothing. Since my faith obviously didn’t look out for me, I wouldn’t concern myself with it. Well, whatever it was, that was keeping me from making love to my true love would no longer stop me. I was about to go along with my plan to have sex with O. Just as soon as the thought popped into my head, I heard someone call out my name. It was O riding along the street in his car.

“What the fuck is wrong with you, girl?” His voice was laced with anger.

“I’m chillin’. What the fuck is wrong with you?” I responded.

Shocked, he looked at
me and said, “What’s wrong, man?”

“LaTavia,” I yelled.

“LaTavia? What the fuck about LaTavia?”

“You fucking her now. Why am I always hearing shit through the grapevine? I’m sick of it!” All of this was new to O. I almost never cursed unless I was quoting someone. He was angry and immediately thought of Keysha.

“Yo Im’ma get my cousin to fuck Keysha and her big ass mouth up. Why ‘dem broads always putting shit in your head? They jealous of you—”

“No. Fuckin’ LaTavia is jealous of me. Just leave me alone. I’m going home!” I interrupted and began walking towards home.

Twenty minutes later
, he convinced me to get in the car and we drove home.  He never denied the allegations, but that realization didn’t come for quite some time. When we arrived in front of my housing building, everyone was outside because a fight had just gone down. Suddenly, all eyes went to O and his girl with the blood shot eyes. 

O
got arrested the week after I’d gotten back from Ohio. He was incarcerated for three weeks. It’s absurd how they do young black men who don’t have the money for low tolerant attorneys that could solve many issues by just appearing in court and speaking three or four words. They sit in jail for long and unnecessary periods of time. They claimed that he got lost in the system after they raided a party up on Montgomery Ave. I recalled begging him not to go to that party but he insisted. 

One day O said he had a surprise for me. He told me to tell my mom that I was going to Keysha’s house
one night. I just knew that my mother wouldn’t fall for it but did it anyway. She bought the story much to my surprise. That Thursday night O picked me up from Keysha’s place around the corner from the projects and took me to The Loop Hotel.

That night I became a woman, O and I went all the way. It wasn’t as good as Keysha described it to be but it was definitely satisfying. The next day I went to school with a huge smile on my face. I was now a woman, so I thought.
That’s it for LaTavia
, I figured.

Over the next few months
, I began to focus on college since there were offers left and right for scholarships. I made sure to include O on every decision concerning my tertiary education. I wanted to move out of Jersey, possibly south, anywhere away from the dreaded place called home. O would always say, “Anywhere you wanna go, baby girl.” 

I sent off applications and from tha
t point on things just got worse. Samantha began to stay away more frequently. The hot, home cooked meals would stop. Chyna would constantly be at our grandparents’ because I had basketball. Akeem would grow distant, taking up long hours in the streets. Whenever I would try to discuss our mother’s new habit, he would give me the cold shoulder and walk away. One day he even had the nerve to say, “You need to stop fuckin’ wit dat nigga, O. Worry about that first! Open your eyes to what’s goin’ on!”

That statement
had taken me aback. Akeem never got in my business concerning O. He would just tell me to be careful; O was an older more experienced guy. “He’s been around the block before,” was all that he’d say.

I fired back, “Keeme, how ‘bout you stay out of my business and get yourself a girl instead of sleeping
with all those dope heads you be servicing!” Akeem left the room shaking his head, clearly exasperated.

J-Boog would soon move in. His mother, Karen, went off to rehab again for the fourth time, which left him and his older brother homeless
—
again
. J-Boog was a good person in my eyes. He always respected me because of his relationship with my brother. He would be the only other person besides O that I could talk to about my mother’s drug habit, of course when Akeem was not around. But even J-Boog acted as if he was keeping something from me.

In April
of my last year in high school, I decided on the school I would attend, Duke University in North Carolina. I’d always heard nothing but awesome things about southern schools. I actually chose this school because I figured that it would be easier for O to adjust considering it was close to the metropolitan culture he was accustomed to. When I approached him with the idea, he just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Okay”. I thought it was strange but was too excited to deal with it right then and there.

Two weeks after graduation I visited the school for orientation in June. It was an adventurous weekend. During orientation
, I met a lot of people from all over like a girl full of all things eclectic named Michelle from California. She was the orientation leader with a bright smile and a warm, familiar and energetic reception. The orientation group had just broken for lunch and I sat at a table alone when suddenly I felt a strong flow of energy emanating from near. I looked up and there was the orientation leader.

“Hi! I didn’t catch your name…” Michelle’s presence was bold and uncomfortably confident. I’d never seen anyone so forceful who wasn’t attempting to be intimidating.

“’Sup…my name is Rayna.”

My delivery
was simply ghetto, so unrefined. I wasn’t accustomed to friendliness from other females and therefore would always come across guarded just in case. Where I was from girls had ulterior motives for wanting to be friendly, like cheating off your test or the attention of your brother. Especially being O’s girl, I’d become the object of lots of unsolicited attacks. You can’t trust anyone in the hood, no one. 

Also
, I couldn’t tell if this girl was black or white. She had fair-skin with curly, sandy blonde hair and brilliant hazel eyes. She was absolutely beautiful, but not in a vain sense. There were so many oddities going on with her. I wouldn’t trust what I couldn’t identify.