Love Rewards The Brave (26 page)

171.

The hall is on their feet again

cheering, clapping.

For me.

I did it.

I did it.

I really, truly, did it.

I wish Benji could have been here.

He would have been so proud.

I chose to talk

before it was too late

for someone else.

I’m shaking in my boots

the combat kick-ass ones.

I’m shaking in my dress

the bright white one.

I’m shaking in my skin

the skin that’s been so scarred for forever

that can finally be released

from worry

from shame

from insecurity.

If this crowd is saying something

it’s speaking to my core

setting me free.

They accept

Me.

172.

After the last performer

offers his piece,

the judges call people on stage who have

placed.

And the thing is

the crazy thing is

they call me

last.

That’s right.

Louisa.

Are you effing kidding me?

I won!

They hand me my scholarship

and the gift certificate to

6-Spot.

Funny, right?

I hold tight to the flowers and the ribbons they

place in my arms.

Heavy from the trophy placed in

my hands

and

I don’t think I can stand

because the weight of being

FREE

is not crushing—-it
releases me.

Afterwards, after the moment on stage

I get down and find the place

I really belong.

With my people.

“Louisa, that was stunning! Absolutely stunning! You nailed it, babe!” Margot throws her inked-up arms around me, squeezing me until I laugh.

God it feels good to have that all behind me.

I feel like I haven’t taken a real breath

since I signed up

for
this
life.

“Thank you, Margot. Thank you for telling me about it. I can’t. I mean…there are no words.” I say.

“There are words, Louisa, and you said them, on that stage!” she answers.

And I guess that’s true.

I did say all the words up on stage.

Except for a few.

A few very important ones.

I get a picture with

Markus and Jess and me.

Jess says I’m basically famous now

and that she’s so amazed by what I do

(like I’ve been doing it longer than one night or something).

And Toby kisses my check telling me, “Bravo! Baby!”

And finally

waiting patiently in the very back of the pack

is the one.

The one who is still there

just like always, waiting for me.

Ms. Francine.

173.

“You did it, Louisa,” Ms. F says.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” I say.

“It was everything and more than I imagined it would be.”

“I was so scared, right before it started. But you know what got me through, gave me the courage to just, you know–– start speaking?”

Ms. F tilts her head, listening.

“The things everyone has been saying to me these past few months. Like, that I was strong, that I could be brave, with my words.”

“Your words are lovely, Louisa.”

She pulls me into a hug.

The kind that feels right and tight

and

safe.

“Thank you, Ms. Francine. For everything. For driving me everywhere and putting up with my dirty room…and just…I want you to know, I love you.”

“I love you too, Louisa.”

And those are the best words I’ve heard in a

really

really

long time.

174.

I’m back in Terry’s office.

There’s much that’s the same before

I bared my

soul

on the stage.

Like,

yesterday I still had to go to school.

But it was different somehow

and it wasn’t just me.

My non-descript English teacher

said she’d heard some really

good things.

I was like “What are you talking about?”

“Your slam poetry, you’re in the paper, Louisa, you should be so proud.”

I mumbled something about nothing,

but inside I

know I am.

Proud, I mean.

Jess practically spent the whole day walking around telling everyone how amazing I was

and I just kind of shook my head

because really

what am I supposed to say?

Yeah, I was really good.

Obviously not that.

So, instead I just pretended to be embarrassed,

but for the first time in forever,

I was holding my head so high

I felt like I could fly.

“So I heard it went well, Louisa! Everyone here at the office is just buzzing about it and I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it.”

“Don’t worry, I mean, it’s good that you went to your daughter’s dance recital. That’s like, most important.”

“I read in the paper you received first place, but tell me about it, how did you feel, standing on stage?”

“At first, you know, I was kind of freaking out, but when we were driving there, Ms. F, I don’t know, like, she talked me down. I kept thinking how there were all these people who who believe in me. And I just kept telling myself that even if it’s scary, I can be brave.”

“
Even if it’s scary, I can be brave
. I like that.”

“I think my first tattoo, is going to be something about bravery,” I say, smiling.

“Oh really? I don’t think you’re supposed to tell your counselor that. At least not one who works for the state.”

“Not now. I get it, I’m only sixteen. But when I’m old enough, I think I will. I just never want to forget.”

My eyes get full as I say those

words.

Because I spent my forever

wanting to forget

and now I never want to let the

memories slip

away.

“I just never want to forget, Terry. Forget my story. It’s what you’ve always said, if I don’t talk I’ll never be free. And now I just…I feel so free.”

I wipe my eyes

erasing the tears.

Knowing, always knowing,

the reason they’re here.

Knowing, always knowing

that I don’t want to live in

fear.

175.

“So now, Louisa, what are your plans?”

“I can keep coming here, can’t I?” I ask Terry.

“Yes, I’m glad you want to. Because in two years I don’t think I have ever heard you say so much, so easily. This is what they call a
break through.”

She laughs,

but I know she means it.

That this, me coming here every week

for two years straight

and finally talking was a long time coming.

“I’m glad you never gave up on me. And I wanted to tell you, because I never could before, thank you.”

“For what, Louisa?”

“For getting me my journals. Without them I don’t think I could have ever had balls to do this.”

“You’re welcome, Louisa. You’re very welcome.”

And she breaks protocol

for like the millionth time

by standing up and giving me

one of those hugs

I finally can’t get enough of.

176.

I go to work, after Terry’s and my

appointment.

I wanted to call in sick or whatever people do

to get out of things

I just feel like I haven’t had a chance to talk

with Ms. Francine

and that’s what I still really
need
want to do.

I go to work anyway

don’t want to let Margot or Toby down

not now after all that they have given me.

Confidence in my own self-expression

Confidence in my new life-direction.

And I’m glad I didn’t make an excuse

because when I walk in the doors of the 6-Spot

everyone who I work with

is here.

“The Lady of the hour has arrived!” Toby yells in his blow horn.

The music is turned up even louder

and I get showered

with love

from above

as everyone tells me how proud

they.are.of.me.

Proud of me.

And then someone turns the music down

and I notice the projector screen pulled down

from across the room

and Margot’s at my side

squeezing me

shushing the people around me

and my eyes get wide, freaked out by what

we see as Toby makes another announcement.

“Everyone, in case you missed it, I mean, I was there, as a supportive friend, but in case you weren’t––” Everyone snickers appropriately. “Here’s the performance our shining star gave just two nights ago at the Young Slam Poets Competition, to win her first place!”

The video

starts playing my performance

back to me

letting me see

the emotion I was sharing

as I blared to the world

my story.

The room goes still as they listen.

And seeing it like this

from the other side

I’m so glad I didn’t choose to hide

for even one more day.

The party goes on even as customers enter

and we have cake and

Toby asks if I’d like to propose a toast

and I know just what to say.

“Thank you for the support –– but mostly I want to thank Benji, my brother, who was brave enough to tell the truth about our story first. And I know it’s heavy for a toast…but it is true. To Benji.”

And I raise my plastic cup of fruit punch

to the air

so glad I had the guts
to spill
to share.